Bitchin' in the Kitchen
Real quick—all apologies for my inexcusable absence. I’ve been traveling and scouting, preparing the distended mound of awesome that is my 2007 National League Preview. While I finish that opus, I need to quickly call out a few offenders for pissing me off:
DENVER BRONCOS I can’t believe you extended the contract of Dre Bly. The beauty of that pickup was contained in Bly’s lame duck contract status. If he sucked this year, you could wash your hands of him. If he was average, you could negotiate, and if he was excellent you could franchise his ass. Now your stuck with him, at $16 million guaranteed, and I predict awful ramifications.
UNCLE CECIL Since we have apparently picked up an actual reader, it must be explained that Cecil is the most talented writer (link NSFW) here at the HoG. If you think Bly’s contract is measty you should see the compensation awarded to Mr. Superstar Spotlight Editor Guy. I’m happy to work for the league minimum, but as a teammate to this prima donna I’m getting mildly irked at his lack of output. Let’s see it, Unc.
LENDALE WHITE The Titans, after letting Travis Henry go, are expecting big things from the ex-Trojan. Concerns about his gut and character caused him to drop to the second round, and it appears that may have been generous. Lendale showed up for an offseason conditioning program weighing a svelte 260 pounds. I think we’ve solved the dilemma of that missing D-tackle the Broncos were trying to acquire from the Dolphins, Lendale ate him.
THE ONE READER Listen, dude. I’m happy that you read the blog, and I respect your hatred of Red Sox Nation. It’s true, we have a lousy and entirely well-deserved rep. I myself am not a Masshole and have never lived in New England, but I can imagine it’s overbearing and annoying. But here’s my point: KC fans are always bitching that the fans of other teams, in other cities, are mean and lame. Fine. But how do you appear to out-of-town fans that move to Kansas City? What’s that? No one willingly moves to Kansas City? I see. Apparently, your city and your teams are so fantastic that everyone leaves them, moves to actual desirable places to live and then bitches about the hometown fans. Classy.
MICHAEL RAY RICHARDSON Michael Ray is not, apparently, down with the John Amaechis and (Insert prominent Jewish basketball star)s of the world. I don’t take offense with what he said (as I’m neither Jewish nor gay) but I’m very disappointed with his lame, lame apology. Mike, that shit will get you nowhere. Have we not learned anything from Pete Rose, Tim Hardaway, Dan Issel, Janet Jackson, Kramer, etc., etc.? Notice that none of those people have jobs. The half-ass, “if I offended anyone” apology is always more offensive than whatever you said, because it means you really don’t give a shit. Own up, and say that you’re a bigot, or a degenerate gambler, or a crackhead, or a serial boob-flasher, and America will forgive you. By the way, Michael Ray was a very talented hoops star back in the day. Do you know why he is so familiar with the Tel Aviv airport? Because he had to play overseas for decades after getting banned from the NBA. For being a crackhead. Nice life.
DENVER BRONCOS I can’t believe you extended the contract of Dre Bly. The beauty of that pickup was contained in Bly’s lame duck contract status. If he sucked this year, you could wash your hands of him. If he was average, you could negotiate, and if he was excellent you could franchise his ass. Now your stuck with him, at $16 million guaranteed, and I predict awful ramifications.
UNCLE CECIL Since we have apparently picked up an actual reader, it must be explained that Cecil is the most talented writer (link NSFW) here at the HoG. If you think Bly’s contract is measty you should see the compensation awarded to Mr. Superstar Spotlight Editor Guy. I’m happy to work for the league minimum, but as a teammate to this prima donna I’m getting mildly irked at his lack of output. Let’s see it, Unc.
LENDALE WHITE The Titans, after letting Travis Henry go, are expecting big things from the ex-Trojan. Concerns about his gut and character caused him to drop to the second round, and it appears that may have been generous. Lendale showed up for an offseason conditioning program weighing a svelte 260 pounds. I think we’ve solved the dilemma of that missing D-tackle the Broncos were trying to acquire from the Dolphins, Lendale ate him.
THE ONE READER Listen, dude. I’m happy that you read the blog, and I respect your hatred of Red Sox Nation. It’s true, we have a lousy and entirely well-deserved rep. I myself am not a Masshole and have never lived in New England, but I can imagine it’s overbearing and annoying. But here’s my point: KC fans are always bitching that the fans of other teams, in other cities, are mean and lame. Fine. But how do you appear to out-of-town fans that move to Kansas City? What’s that? No one willingly moves to Kansas City? I see. Apparently, your city and your teams are so fantastic that everyone leaves them, moves to actual desirable places to live and then bitches about the hometown fans. Classy.
MICHAEL RAY RICHARDSON Michael Ray is not, apparently, down with the John Amaechis and (Insert prominent Jewish basketball star)s of the world. I don’t take offense with what he said (as I’m neither Jewish nor gay) but I’m very disappointed with his lame, lame apology. Mike, that shit will get you nowhere. Have we not learned anything from Pete Rose, Tim Hardaway, Dan Issel, Janet Jackson, Kramer, etc., etc.? Notice that none of those people have jobs. The half-ass, “if I offended anyone” apology is always more offensive than whatever you said, because it means you really don’t give a shit. Own up, and say that you’re a bigot, or a degenerate gambler, or a crackhead, or a serial boob-flasher, and America will forgive you. By the way, Michael Ray was a very talented hoops star back in the day. Do you know why he is so familiar with the Tel Aviv airport? Because he had to play overseas for decades after getting banned from the NBA. For being a crackhead. Nice life.
INSOMNIA Never again will you fuck with me. I have found the cure, and it's not a pill, it's not a leafy green smokeable, it's not a distilled spirit, nor is it a good jerk into the sleeve of Mike's long-sleeve t-shirt. It's the HoG's hockey coverage. Man, that's some strong sedative. I'm getting sleepy just thinking about it. Good times.
1 comments:
From the Lone Reader,
Ah, I DO miss ol' KC. Newfoundland's sole professional team, the Fog Devils, certainly struggled this year.
I thank you kind sir (Red Sox fan), for reaffirming my very point. I suggest you live in New England (not really, dude .. thought the lobster IS delicious) for awhile, and perhaps you'll understand where I'm comin' from.
Cheers.
Red Sox fans, man. Always good for a smile.
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