Quarterfinals Two Weeks Out: Eastern (Team Gay) Conference Preview

Most NHL teams are down to their final six or seven games in this year's regular season, and the league, as usual, is shaping up to have some mainstay post-season appearances, as well as a few surprises. HoG, in this first of a two-part series, takes a peek at what mid-April will bring to the ice. The East has managed to steal the last two cups and, while annually gay in the mouth (not that there's anything wrong with that), threatens to do so again with an array of talent and firepower.

Atlantic Division

No one has yet to clinch here, but seeing the Devils serge in the springtime is about as given as Mexicans ogling big-breasted blond American girls. Marty Brodeur continues to tantalize crease invaders in stud-like fashion, and team point leader Patrick Elias, with the help of Scott "yes, I really am from Alaska" Gomez (46 helpers) and sophomore surprise Zach Parise, their offensive forces hover above average. The Devils' D, however, has been less than attractive this year. Brian Rafalski and this guy -- oops, I meant this guy -- have got to tighten up their zone control.

But clearly, the surprise out of the Atlantic, and perhaps the league, this year, is the gelling of the top-tiered youth known as the Pittsburgh Penguins. Now that they have a handle on some new digs in the Steel City, they can focus on bursting into the race for the Cup. Now. But their youth could kill them. League points leader/Penguin phenom Sidney Crosby never ceases to amaze. Evgeni Malkin and Sergei Gonchar consistenly dish the disc to their teammates, and the grinding of Mark Recchi is always a plus. Add the toughness of Georges Laraque and the surprising output of Jordan Staal, you've got a recipe for a big batch of scary. Their D ain't half-bad either. To make a push, though, they'll need more consistency out of young netminder Marc-Andre Fleury and veteran forward Gary Roberts.

Both New York clubs could sneak in but the Rangers -- these guys thought they were cursed until Weeping Willow Messier lifted them and the Cup, wait 'til the curse of signing that pussy Lindros creeps up on six decades and makes the Bambino's curse seem like pennies -- just plain don't show up for half of their games. When they do -- see this weekend's pair of one-goal victories over the Islanders and the Bruins -- they're squrimish and unpredictable. The Islanders are right behind the Rangers, but, well, no buts, they just blow.

Northeast Division

Two teams have clinched in this barrio. Not surprising, are the ever-unpredictable Ottawa Senators. I never know how to read these guys. They're like the playground bully that instills lifelong fear and nightmares into you while knocking you senseless, then trips over your carcass on his way inside, and cries after skinning his knee on the asphalt. On paper they should push most foes around, but traditionally, they wind up caving. For now, count them in as first-round winners. Stellar play out of the creepy-eyed, man-slaughtering Dany Heatley and Senator touchstone Daniel Alfredsson will be their driving force. The Sens' Zdeno Chara-less D can play some frightening stick. It's just a matter of how much endurance they have. And if I were Head Coach Bryan Murray, picking Ray Emery over Martin Gerber to start in net would be like picking testicle puncturing over repeated sodomy. Yikes.

The other Northeast clincher, the Buffalo Sabres, are to be feared, perhaps like no other. The perennial adult movie award finalist that leads this club not only threatens to advance to the finals with more fervor than perhaps any other, he also may overtake Bill Cowher's longest-tenured professional head coach award, as well as his chin notoriety. Last year's Sabres would not go away. They played insane hockey, and came out of this season's gate pissed off. Their O, Afinogenov, Briere, Drury, Hecht, just to name a few, dominates the attack zone. And they're physical. With Numminen and Spacek anchoring the D, and Ryan Miller between the pipes, all opponents had best look the fuck out. These guys are fast, and they will cum in your Corn Flakes after banging your sister. They're my early pick to represent the East in late May.

Montreal and Toronto are still in the hunt, too. But they're the ice hockey equivalent to the duo that "starred" in the "movie" "Dumb & Dumber." That "film" was so retarded it should've been called "Retarded & Retardeder." Second thought, what was the "sequel" called? Nevermind.

Southeast Division

This pack is kind of a crapshoot at this point. Like the Atlantic, they have some forces, yet no one has pulled away. The Atlanta Thrashers have a slight edge at this stage, but like all Atlanta clubs, they could very well shit the bed before it's all said and done. And that would be dangerous with the two previous Cup Champions waiting to strip the pigskin on what would make this race a two-touchdown lead. Bob Hartley, just as he's done with clubs in the past, has his crew playing tough. Their stacked roster, "added to" by late-season acquistion Keith Tkachuk, has to continue to play tough together, especially when they get down early.

At the back door are the Tampa Bay Lightning. Lightning Head Coach John Tortorella, refuses to not only give up the salt-and-pepper goatee look, but to let his squad play anything less than finesse. The Lecavalier-Fedotenko-St. Louis line outwits any defensive pairing the Lightning will see once they've squeezed in. The Lightning's problem is that that's their weapon, and it's no secret. Their D is either gray or green, and still-young journeyman Marc Denis remains far from late-round-worthy material. Good luck to this club.

That leaves the defending champs. Peter Laviolette is still waving the SuFi at the monkeys that run the New York Islanders, whom thought that canning Laviolette in favor of a sideshow, including current "coach" Ted Nolan, was a good idea. Mega-oops. The often-pondered "How much does a good coach really matter?" skips right over the Carolina Hurricanes' bench boss. He's a bad ass. And a community pillar as well. His club, having lost a few players to free agency, is still playing hard-nosed, smart yet quick hockey. But they're getting old. Fast. Their team captain ain't alone in this regard either. Goalie Cam Ward might be one of five exceptions on this team. The others absolutely have to stay healthy. Or the 'Canes are doomed. They'll scrap their way in, perhaps even to the winning side of a seven-game QF, but not much further. They can match up with most any contender, but they must work doubly hard to stay in the fight 'til the end.

I suppose Florida could bribe someone and get in, but, like the rest of the league, they have no money. So that ain't happenin'. And Washington? Sheesh. They thought they were reaping the harvest when the dumped that ass clown Jagr a few years ago. Survey says? Nope. Still blowing.

Stay tuned for thoughts on the Jim Morrison Conference.