I'm not interested in getting into a caption-this type of interaction, but I couldn't resist posting this photo:
It comes courtesy of Arrowhead Pride, and...
...should warrant a few chuckles, from a solid two of the three of you.
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Believe me when I say that taking on anything by Hunter S. Thompson for the Friday Fiction Fix is no small challenge. Selecting The Rum Diary was key in that, by the time it came out in 1998, I figured I'd already read everything great that Thompson would pen in his life. The irony in that is that the author actually wrote this when he was 22, which would be somewhere around 1959. It has even been dubbed "The Long Lost Novel."
At the time of its release, I was roughly a year away from commencing at THE Fort Lewis College, and well, like any other thing not called homework, I devoured the book. It, like everything else I've ever read by the man, was fantastic. So today we revisit it, and given that there has been much ado with the Kansas City Chiefs' end-of-season changes, turmoil since, and the voluntary mini-camp taking place this weekend, it came as a bit of a surprise that running back Larry Johnson would be in attendance.
If you need an introduction to Hunter S. Thompson, find it yourself. If you have no idea of the conduct of Larry Johnson since the Chiefs drafted him out of Penn State in the first round of 2003, I'm confused as to how you wound up here. Assuming you're familiar with both, today's exercise, like all of them, will examine a couple of snapshots into Johnson's, or Paul Kemp's, if you will, post-college days.
One
"My apartment in New York was on Perry Street, a five minute walk from the White Horse. I often drank there, but I was never accepted because I wore a tie. The real people wanted no part of me.
It occurred to me that the real reason these people were leaving this island was basically the same reason I had left...and said to hell with all the things I was supposed to want -- indeed, all the things I had a responsibility to want -- to uphold, as it were -- and I wondered how I might have sounded if someone had interviewed me...on the day I left...with two suitcases and three hundred dollars...
'Tell me, Mr. Kemp, just why are you leaving...where your family has lived for generations and where you could, for the asking, 
have a niche carved out for yourself...so that you might live in peace and security for the rest of your well-fed days?'"
"Sanderson's office was on the top floor of the tallest building...I sat in a leather lounge chair...There was a definite feeling of being in a control tower.
Sanderson had his feet on the window sill.
'Two things,' he was saying. 'This business...won't amount to much...Zimburger's project is a big one.'
'Zimburger?' I said.
He nodded. 'I didn't want to mention it yesterday because he might have dropped in.'
'Wait a minute,' I said. 'Are we talking about 
the same Zimburger -- the General?'
He looked annoyed. 'That's right, he's one of our clients.'
'Damn,' I said. 'Business must be falling off. The man's a jackass...'
...'Look,' he said sharply, 'you've been here long enough to begin learning a few things, and one of the first things you should learn is that money comes in odd packages.' He tapped his pencil on the desk. 'Zimburger -- known to you as 'the jackass' -- could buy and sell you thirty times...'
...'One of these days,' he said, 'this silly arrogance of yours is going to cost you a lot of money.'
'Goddamnit,' I replied, 'I didn't come here to be analyzed.'"
Two
"Sometime after midnight we found ourselves in front of a place called the Blue Grotto, 
a crowded...dance hall with a two dollar cover charge. I tried to pay, but people laughed and a squatty woman grabbed my arm.
'Oh, no,' she said. 'You come with us. We go to the real party...'
...We ran down the street to where they had a car, and about six more people piled in with us...We stopped a a house full of lights and music...The squatty girl gave a loud whoop and ran up the steps...It was jammed from wall to wall, and over in one corner a band was playing...and I began looking for a dark corner where I could drink without being seen...
...A few feet to my left was a door and I edged toward it, bumping more dancers. When I finally got outside I felt like I'd escaped from a jail...The dancing was getting wilder now...There was a driving rhythm to the music; the movements on the floor were jerky and full of lust, a swinging and thrusting of hips, accompanied by sudden cries and groans. I felt a temptation to join in, if only for laughs. But first I would have to get drunker.
On the other side of the room I found Yeamon,
standing by the entrance to the hall. 'I'm ready to do the dinga,' I said with a laugh. 'Let's cut loose and go crazy.'
He glared at me, taking a long slug of his drink...Yeamon was staring at the dancers, looking very morose...
...'Look at that bitch,' he said...
...'Yeah,' I said. 'She's hell on this dancing.'
'She's part nigger,' he replied...
'Careful,' I said quickly. 'Watch what you say in this place...'
...'Fine with me,' he replied. 'Try talking to her...'
...'Hell,' I said. 'Just grab her. Let's go.'
He shook his head. 'I did. She screamed like I was killing her.'"
"Suddenly, I was next to Chenault. I shrugged helplessly and kept up the stomp. She laughed and bumped me with her hips.
Then she danced back to her partner...the music fromt the crowd was getting crazier...They had made a big circle, and in the middle of it Chenault and the small, spade-bearded man were doing the cance. Chenault had dropped her skirt and was dancing in her panties and her white sleevless blouse. Her partner had taken off his shirt exposing his glistening black chest...
...Now, as if in some kind of trance, Chenault began to unbutton her blouse. She popped buttons slowly, like a practiced stripper, then flung the blouse aside and pranced there in nothing but her bra and panties...
...I looked again at Yeamon. He was waving his hands in the air now, trying to get Chenault's attention. But he looked like just another witness, carried away with the spectacle.
Now they were close together and I saw the brute reach around Chenault and unhook the strap of her bra. He undid it quickly, expertly, and she seemed unaware that now she wore nothing but her thin silk panties. The bra slid down her arms and fell to the floor. Her breasts bounced violently with the jerk and thrust of the dance...
...I watched, fascinated and terrified, and then I heard Yeamon beside me as he lunged toward the dance floor. There was a commotion and then I saw the big bartender move up behind him and grab his arms. Several others pushed him back, treating him like a harmless drunk as they made room for the dance to go on.
Yeamon was screaming hysterically, struggling to keep his balance. 'Chenault!' he shouted...
...Suddenly Yeamon broke loose...The melee stopped the dance...I staggered through the crowd, cursing, shoving...Behind me I could hear Yeamon, still yelling...Several people whacked me before I got to the door, but I paid no attention...
...Sometime during the night it started raining and when I woke up I was soaking wet. I thought it was dawn, but when I looked at my watch it said nine o'clock. My head felt swollen to twice its normal size and there was a big, painful bump in from of my right ear...The more I remembered, the more depressed I became...
...The cop asked if he could come in and take a look...
...'No sign of a white girl,' he said, looking Yeamon straight in the eye...
...I had several Chenaults on my mind right then:
...When I woke up the next morning Chenault was already in the kitchen. 'It's my turn to do something,' she said with a bright smile. 'You just sit there and be waited on...'
...The bathroom door was closed and I pulled it open. The curtain jerked back and Yeamon peered out of the shower. 'Kemp?' he said, peering through the steam. 'Who the hell is it?'
'God damn you!' I shouted. 'How did you get in here?'
'Your window was open. I'll have to stay here tonight...'
'You dumb bastard!' I snapped. 'You might have a murder rap on your ass...'
He jumped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist. 'Jesus,' he said. "I better get out of here.'"
And that'll do it for this week's edition. If you're interested in obtaining your own copy of The Rum Diary, you can do so here.
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The throes of November leave many a question in the mailbox of the Kansas City Chiefs, and perhaps the top three would be the following: 1) How will the return of Larry Johnson factor into the "new look" of the Chiefs offense; Will Tyler Thigpen be able to continue the level of play he's demonstrated in the past three weeks; and 3) How will the Kansas City defense, injury-plagued as it is, handle the high-powered Saints offense this Sunday at Arrowhead? Bad attempts to answers these questions, and not much more, after the jump.
1) Adam Teicher of The Kansas City Star has an article in today's paper on Johnson being back at practice. The overall vibe was that things were quite in all aspects LJ. Even the back himself kept quiet in the running backs room, and slipped out without speaking to the media. Teicher, however, was able to nab Thigpen for some commentary."Larry's not bringing all of that...I guess you wouldn't say 'baggage' or whatever, but he hasn't brought any of that into the locker room with him," Thigpen said. "All he's brought is a good attitude and a willingness to work.
It's definitely going to help our offense having him back. He gives us another threat out there."
2) When local sports talk station KCSP said good-bye to this fine lad, I quit listening for a while, and have yet to return to my once-day-filled tune-innage. In the mighty DA's place is this dingleheimer, and I tuned in to a portion of his program this morning. Apparently, he brings fellow doodleschnitz Joe Theisman on the air every week to discuss the state of the Chiefs. I have to admit, it was a pretty good segment; Theisman sounded much more intelligent, and way less into himself than I've ever heard him sound from the broadcast booth.
He talked about the Chiefs quarterback and made the point that those that play the position depend on more people to do their jobs than any other, i.e. the o-line to block, the receivers to catch, the tailbacks to deliver balance to the passing game, etc. And his point, I think, was that that makes it crucial for the quarterback to do theirs, which he added that that is exactly what Thigpen has done. He also spoke of Johnson's return to the squad, but first offered props to Chiefs O.C. Chan Gailey for sort of redefining an effective offense without Johnson in the mix for a month. Then he said with the preface "I'm a guy that believes that leopards don't change their spots. Plaxico Burress is who he is. Adam Jones is who he is. Terrell Owens will always be Terrell Owens," the point being that new environments don't change these guys. He added that character comes out not in times of glory and success, but in tough times, and finally he said he'd "go out on a limb" and suggest that Johnson recognizes his situation and will now bring what he can to this team to help it win games.
3) Finally, Theisman suggested that the Chiefs have the perfect coach for trying to earn a win with as many injuries as Kansas City has on defense. He said, with a token "that's a credit to the coaching staff, the front office, and the organization" that this team looks impressive in terms of building a strong, quality football game that will one day win a lot of games. He's noted that players in the secondary, are trying (and with some success) to bring the play into the field, as in towards the center of the gridiron, a practice that makes teammate assistance in tackling and coverage much more accessible. Theisman suggested that this is tough for safeties and corners to do because they all want to get on SportsCenter for delivering a massive hit, for crushing a guy. The problem with that, though, is that the fundamentals of tackling are abandoned, and big runs down the sidelines often result.
Theisman suspected that all of the new members recently signed by the Chiefs will do just fine filling in, and that he likes this matchup against the Saints. In the middle of all this, he made countless golf references, and talked way too much about drivers with the show's host, but all in all, it was an educated, well-articulated assessment. Way to go, Joe.
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The InterNets, TalkRadios, etc. are reporting that Chiefs running back Larry Johnson has been suspended for one game (this Sunday's home match against the undefeated Tennessee Titans) for team misconduct. The violation allegedly has nothing to do with the "simple-assault" charge levied against him earlier in the week, but is an in-house suspension supposedly related to missing either practice, team meetings, or both.
This is awesome. The assault charge, the non-trade of Tony Gonzalez, and The Kansas City Star's interview with team owner Clark Hunt have officially made this club look like a joke. Actually, there's nothing stunning in the interview. Hunt answered each question as any front-office cat would in mid-season status; no owner's going to shake the foundation of (in this case an already shaky) his team and split the squad like plate tectonics. It is, nonetheless, awesome that all of this has transpired in a three-day period. Swell, swell times.
Bright side? I guess we'll see how Kolby Smith and Jamaal Charles fare against a real tough run defense.
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The time has come; the day is here. Today is the moment to sheddeth thy back of the evil monkey that lives in your closet. He did not take up residence there because you sub-let him the space. The conglomerate of doubters, the press, and the football fans of America insisted upon his dwelling. So I urge you, young Croyle, to not go gently into that dark Foxboro. Do not be intimidated by the successes, the household names, and the shiny array of secret cameras in the great northeast. Stick close to your roots, depend heavily upon Dwayne Bowe, Tony Gonzalez, and of course, Larry Johnson. Have faith in the greenness of the line in front of you, and of course, throw the ball away rather than trying to force something.
Today could very well be the first day of the rest of your life as a successful quarterback in the National Football League. It could also be the last day of your life as an NFL player, but I don't put faith in that creed. I invite subscribers of naysayage to lap up a warm bowl of bukkake residue. May they be forced to enjoy the...yeah, I dunno what there'd be to enjoy about that, but nevertheless...
...Chiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeefffffffffssss!!!
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After a brief hiatus, we're back with another installment of "Stay Classy, Kansas City." Today, we re-visit the gridiron and examine a 2003 first-round draft choice out of Penn State, a guy that's in tight with Jay-Z, and frankly doesn't give a flip what anybody has to say. Well, anybody except his his dad of course. This guy has been in the headlines more than any KC sports figure in the last five years. Five years? Really? Sometimes for game-day performances, and sometimes not. Though mysterious and intriguing, the one guarantee from the Chiefs running back is that there will never be any shortage of Inverted-Vagina-Symbol flashings. More on this, and more, after the jump.
The locker-room/organization vibe regarding LJ got off to a terrible start. The Chiefs had Priest Holmes listed as number one on the depth chart, and rightfully so, in that in two short years, he was on his way to shattering many a Chiefs rushing record. Number 31, however, was coming off a frightening, mysterious injury, one in which few believed he could re-claim his old form. Chiefs GM Carl Peterson was nervous, and wanted insurance. Then Head Coach Dick Vermeil wanted receivers and defense, but probably just receivers. Hell, he had Greg Robinson manning the D. What else do you need?
Little time was wasted in LJ acquiring this information, and he was less happy that he was by being drafted by a team not called the Steelers, one that didn't need a first-rounder to start. Thus there was a rift between Johnson and Vermeil. Holmes' recovery and production that year was, uh, pretty good. As in Pro Bowl, record-breaking rushing-touchdown good. Ultimately, LJ saw little-to-no action that year, netting 20 carries for 85 yards and a score.
And then he may or may not have hit a girl and threatened her with a gun. Luckily for LJ and the Chiefs, though, the magic drop-charges-against-pro-athletes phenomenon swirled overhead, and the ordeal was swept under the rug.
Fast forward a spell and the infamous Dick Vermeil diaper quote occurred, and LJ unsuccessfully (but with impeccable grammar) masked his frustrations, so Dick Vermeil apologized, and that episode was put to bed. But not really.
Fast forward again. Holmes goes down again. This time, however, second-stringer Derrick Blaylock is not the second-stringer. Johnson is. And he hit the field "running angry," as they've said in an effort to tag his style of rushing. Just when everything, a couple of seasons later than Johnson wanted, seemed to be going well, the Nittany Lion alum may or may not have assaulted another girl.
Never to fear. In came the charge-dropping swarms again, and all was right with #27. Then he had to take a secret stab at Chiefs fans by saying that they're a conservative, wine-and-cheese kind of bunch. Now, I didn't poll any other Chiefs fans, but my personal thoughts went something like, This dude has clearly never seen one speck of the Arrowhead tailgating or seating populous.
Since then, LJ has had some great success on the field, 2007 as a whole aside. Last year, the season of his still-unanswered foot injury, came after the Chiefs and Johnson flopped miserably in a playoff performance against the Colts, and the running back called out the coaching staff and their conservative/predictable game-day approaches. It was not the first time, and likely won't be the last.
Johnson, in this off-season, has perhaps unintentionally assumed the role of the once-oft-absent, mysterious Holmes, and stayed out of the media. I posit that that coincides with Johnson's injury/lack of production last season. And I'm certain that, in the future, LJ will offer more tips on just how easy it is, to stay classy.
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The rough focus of this blog is the rivalry between the Kansas City Chiefs (heralded by Bankmeister) and the Denver Broncos (championed by Cecil and Old No. 7). It may seem unfair that it's two versus one, but once KC gets that second Super Bowl win we'll even out the delegation.
Seven years ago we started The Tradition, in which Bronco fans travel out to the Truman Sports Complex with their team, and Chief lovers return to the Rocky Mountains with theirs. We tailgate, we talk massive amounts of shit, our wives are occasionally assaulted by rival fans, and we always almost always watch the visiting team lose. It's a grand old time.
Here at the HoG, we're going to keep The Tradition going with Tradition Tuesday--a weekly state-of-the-rivalry address.
It isn't often that us HoGsters declare ourselves professionals at something. There is, however, the occasional bit of bliss where we rank amongst the top. Jersey collecting is one of those things.
Today, the Kansas City Star announced that wide receiver Eddie Kennison and the Kansas City Chiefs have ended their current relationship with one another. After the jump, check out cool sentences that start with phrases like "Gone are the days."
Yep. Gone are the days of worrying whether I, or my wife, might be battered inside the windsome depths of InvesCo Field, solely for the jerseys on our backs. In the past is an era where Broncos fans, umpteen cocktails into the morning, tell their tales of woe about how a guy named Eddie, "Quittison," if you will, up and walked out on his team.
The sun has set on yet another athlete that has crossed the House of Georges Mason-Dixon Line. At age 35, Kennison finds himself standing in that ol' NFL unemployment line, optimistic that he has several years of good football left in him. Though he missed much of last year due to injuries, there are some feats he accomplished in the red and gold that might make a few clubs take a long hard look at him.Kennison is seventh in Chiefs history in receiving yardage (5,230) and eighth in receptions (321). He is one of two Chiefs receivers to have back-to-back seasons of more than 1,000 yards, joining Carlos Carson.
Nevertheless, my #87 will hang in the closet along with my Dante Hall, my Priest Holmes, my Trent Green, and yes, my Elvis Grbac. At least there's still an Inverted Vagina Symbol on the roster. For now. My colleagues boast a similar wardrobe. Seldom does a HoGster don an active jersey for multiple games, let alone seasons. Seldom indeed.
Update: This. Kicks. Ass. I don't think I've ever been so sad about a cut one minute and thrilled about some others the next. Goooooo, Herm! I think.
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Some time ago, our pals over at Arrowhead Addict ran a poll to determine the greatest Chief Of All Time (COAT). Our own Bankmeister was asked his opinion, and I found that opinion curious. What follows is our discussion.
Old No. 7: Of the available choices in the COAT, I'd say Derrick Thomas is the best player I ever saw in a Chiefs uniform. Football's a hard sport to do this in, because you can't compare stats very easily for different positions and across different eras. But Thomas was the only guy I was ever scared of for an extended number of seasons. Johnson scares me now, especially late in games, because he can singlehandedly drive down the field and kill the clock. Priest used to scare me. I suppose Old Man Montana scared me, if only because I didn't want to see him break a hip.
A sack is a very small part of the game, but it can change a game. It can be huge. The reason great pass rushers are well-paid, remembered and feared is their impact can be devastating. Like a crucial late-inning HR or, to some extent, a big strikeout with men on base.
I can think of a half-dozen Broncos over the same time period (my viewing lifetime) that are better than Gonzalez, and only one of them is named Shannon Sharpe.
As far as old-timers, I can guarantee that there were many Chiefs during those old black-and-white days that were better. But it's so hard to pick a great football player you never witnessed. I know that Ted Williams was the greatest player in Red Sox history. I can put his stats up against Manny's or Ortiz's or Boggs' or Jim Rice's or anyone else I actually watched and just know that Williams was better. But I have no idea what kind of player Floyd Little was, compared to TD or Portis or Winder or any of the guys I saw. No matter what OJ's stats or Jim Brown's stats say, I'll never have a concept of what they were compared to Emmitt or Barry or Tomlinson in their primes. Football's awesome, but it's kind of fucked historically that way.
Bankmeister: Okay. We've talked before about Hall of Fame candidates. The example that comes to mind first is Terrell Davis. I guess Rod Smith is right there with him, as per those conversations. I would likely put both in, TD being the shoe-in of the two if I had to pick one. You've mentioned, and I've agreed, that there are some fucked-up criteria for getting in. I've agreed and added to that notion that criteria for receiving MVP awards and the like are also messed up, which brings me to Derrick Thomas.
Don't get me wrong, he's one of my all-time favorite Chiefs. I love the way he played, the fact that his mere presence made you think twice, and the fact that he repeatedly murdered your idol in the backfield. Those were good times. For the past two years, however, local sports talk radio has been saturated, come Hall-of-Fame selection time, with Thomas talk. Hosts, and by hosts I mean Grunhard (God, that's such an unfortunate name), plug Thomas like nobody's business. The non-biased --Grunny's far from my favorite, by the way -- illustrate what the national sports writers and voters suggest, which is that Thomas' play is oftentimes viewed as one-dimensional; he put consistent pressure on the quarterback and that's about it. This is not to imply that he couldn't tackle a runner or drop into pass coverage if need be, but he was so quick off the line of scrimmage, that he seldom had to.
But I meant the reasons I listed as to why Tony was the best. I'm sure I don't need to tell you what I mean when I say that life as a Chiefs fan has been full of, well, Hard Knocks. He has, in the last 10 years, epitomized hope. When our QBs have sucked, and we've had no running game, or Derrick freaking Alexander has been our best deep threat, TG has always been there, a guy you could say "Well, at least..." about. And he's always been a Chief. This just in: Eat shit, Johnny Damon. Naturally, I understand from your perspective why Thomas would get your vote. I'm curious as to why you would say the members of this coveted six are better than Gonzalez. Explain. And in doing so, keep in mind your own cautionary position-to-position predicament.
When you're done with that, let's have this out once and for all. Sharpe vs. Gonzalez. Bring it.
Old No. 7: The six guys that I came up with, just off the top of my head, are Elway, Champ, TD, Gary Zimmerman, Tom Jackson and Sharpe. I did not include Rod Smith because I guess my quick criteria was skill as a football player, and Rod has nowhere near the raw talent of those six. The reason I admire him is what he's done with what he has, but that's a story for another day.
John Elway I don't need to explain. He and TJ are also the only ones on my list that played full-length careers in a Broncos uniform. While that's important, no doubt, I have no problem with someone coming to my team later in his career so long as he's a fucking bad ass.
Champ is either the best player in the NFL right now or a hair behind Tomlinson. He's good at absolutely everything and has no weakness. He'd be a Pro Bowler at any position he was allowed to play for a full season.
Although it will never happen, TD should be in the Hall of Fame. But he didn't play long enough, and he'll forever be downgraded as part of the "system" that mass-produces effective running backs. Bullshit.
Gary Zimmerman was a better offensive lineman than anyone I've seen. I didn't play O-line and I was a miserable blocker in my day--bad technique, bad weight distribution, the whole package. But I didn't play hockey either, and when I watched Ray Borque I just knew that this was how you played defenseman. Borque and Zimmerman made their very difficult jobs look easy.
Tom Jackson, you could put in the Rod Smith category. He lacked the physical tools of a lot of these guys but overcame those deficiencies to become a seriously dangerous man. He made more big plays in key situations than any OLB the Broncos have ever had. He was excellent in coverage, tremendous in backside pursuit, a good blitzer and he shed the blocks of much larger men with ease. And he called Michael Irvin a retard on national TV. Mike, you got Jacked Up!
Now, for Sharpe vs. Gonzalez. Shannon Sharpe changed the position and he won three rings. Done. Gonzalez has been exactly what I described him as--a great player. He's succeeded in all the conditions you listed, he's the face of the franchise, and his statistical accumulations will get him into the Hall of Fame. But if you want me to build my ultimate lineup, and I have the choice of any tight end in his prime, I'm taking Shannon. Or Karl Malone. I think the Mailman would have been the most killer tight end ever.
I'm not taking anything away from Gonzalez, I'm just saying that I think these six are better football players, as is Derrick Thomas. There's no shame in that. And as for the one-dimensional pass-rusher thing, I get it. Everyone would like to have their DEs and OLBs be well-rounded football players. But getting to the QB is a skill that wins games. Michael Jordan could have been the best passer God ever created, but at the end of a big game do I want him dishing to Bill Cartwright? Fuck no. I want him getting his ass to the bucket and hammering home the two points that will win the game. That's his thing, the thing he did better than anyone. And Derrick Thomas could kill a QB, a drive and an opponent's chance of winning in a blink of an eye. There are only a handful of guys--ever--that could do it better. We rip on kickers as not being real football players. A guy like Dante Hall is seen as a freak, someone with one special skill but lacking the size or hands to be a real, complete football player.
Whatever. When my team needs a field goal to win, and Adam Vinatieri is on the sideline, he's a real fucking football player. He means more than eighteen awesome tight ends or guards or safeties. When I'm losing at home and I have a perfectly designed punt return alley due to multiple clipping violations, I need Dante Hall to exploit that advantage. He's a real football player. And when the other team has a third-and-eight deep in my territory late in a tight game, and a double-teamed Thomas gets to the QB, wiping out the drive and knocking them out of FG range, he's a real football player. He wasn't any worse in other areas of the game than Bruce Smith or Howie Long, and they're in the Hall. Put him in.
Bankmeister: Oh yeah. I agree. Put him in and put him in now. Let me clear the air, though. I'm not hung up on the playing-for-other-teams bit. I just think it's rad when someone notches an entire career in one uni, and Gonzalez has managed to do that, thus far. I respect most of what you've said, but you forced some table turnage, here.
I'll give you Elway. It pains me, but I'll do it. He was better than Todd Blackledge and stuff. Zimmerman, no doubt. TJ? Love the guy, on and off the field. You know I got respect for TD. Champ? Yeah. He's good. I wasn't sold on him until his recent Opera visit. But, count it! now that that's been leaked to the House.
Here's my beef in a nutshell: Fuck Shannon Sharpe. He didn't change a god-damned thing Ozzie Newsome and Kellen Winslow hadn't already done. He just ran his fat-lipped mouth and loved him some him, making him the pre-T.O. T.O. What that means is that he got himself some coverage. And by "some coverage," I mean a re-donculous amount of hype.
Look at the record books, and yes, his name is all over them. By the end of the day, his name will be under Gonzalez's in every category, and likely Antonio Gates', too. You're right. There's no shame in saying those six are better football players than Gonzalez. Unless of course, you include Sharpe as one of those six. I demand you back up this claim in a fashion that is free and clear of the Wikipedias.
Prove to me that he was a better blocker, pass catcher, route runner, team player, decoy, enunciating of English, anything, than Gonzalez. It'd better be convincing, too, because I'm already stupidly slated to disagree with you based on my rash Irish temper and immense homerisms. I'll add that you've already hurt your case a touch by failing to mention that Gonzalez is and has been the Jordan of the Chiefs. He wins us fucking games hands down. And he doesn't parade around with a stupid horse mask on his head after doing it. He dunks the ball over the goal post (occasional layup notwithstanding) like the mammoth of an athlete that he is, leaving everything Shannon Sharpe-related in his shadows.
Old No. 7: Look...if the criteria was "Tight End You'd Most Like To Have A Slumber Party With," I'd take the fake smile, douchebag personality and latent homosexuality of your boy Gonzalez every time. If Tony Gonzalez was the host of the CBS NFL studio show, I'd watch it way more than I do now. Shannon was great for a sound bite in the locker room, he's horrible on television.
But if the argument is "Who's A Better Tight End?" then there's no debate in my mind. You can allow your hatred of Sharpe to taint your opinion, as you have in the Elway/Montana debate. But look at why you (and many others) say that Montana is better than Elway. Montana was the most clutch QB ever, right? He won all those big playoff games and Super Bowls, while Elway spent most of his career getting blown out in the Big Game until Shanahan, TD (and Sharpe, by the way) helped get this one…for John!
Elway’s regular-season stats blow Montana’s out of the fucking water. He’s twenty per cent better across the board than Old No. 16/19, and better statistically than any QB other than Marino and Favre. Yet you put Joe on top, based on postseason excellence. That’s your opinion, and you have a right to your opinion without folks demanding Wikipedia-free proof that Montana had better footwork, or drew more offsides penalties with his snap count, or executed the play-action fake better, or was better during practice, or played dominoes on the team bus better, or any of the other nonsensical criteria you’ve injected into this tight end discussion.
So, if Montana is better than Elway because he performed better on the biggest stage, let’s apply the same logic to Sharpe and Gonzalez, shall we?
Shannon Sharpe played in 18 playoff games, including three Super Bowls, over eight different trips to the postseason tournament. He amassed 62 receptions, 814 yards and four touchdowns in that span. Most important, his teams went 13-5 in those games, including a perfect 3-0 in the game with the roman numerals on it.
Tony Gonzalez has participated in the playoffs three times, and his teams are 0-3 in those games. He’s amassed respectable numbers in those three losses, 11 receptions, 106 yards and two scores (Note: all statistics courtesy of pro-football-reference.com, a Banky-approved non-Wiki InterWebs resource).
Now obviously, a tight end is not as vital to his team’s ultimate success or failure as a quarterback. But in the offenses that Sharpe and Gonzalez have played in throughout their careers, their efforts have gone a long way to determining the outcome of games. I have seen Tony Gonzalez win many regular season games—he is and has been, in the words of my esteemed colleague, The Jordan of The Chiefs. Well Michael Jordan, in my recollection, won a playoff game. Several, even. He placed his team upon his back and dominated other teams, even when the overall talent of those opponents superceded that of the Bulls.
Now it’s not that Shannon Sharpe singlehandedly won thirteen playoff games. But having watched every one of them, I do know that he converted many third-down conversions and contributed key red-zone grabs to those 90s Broncos. And on the 2000 Ravens, one of the shittiest offensive teams ever to win a Super Bowl, he was their playoff production. He connected with awful Trent Dilfer on a 58-yard touchdown in a 21-3 wild-card win against the Broncos, a play that essentially ended the game. His 96-yard score against the Raiders in the AFC Championship provided the winning margin in a 16-3 game.
Tony Gonzalez, he did score the TD that kept the Chiefs from being shut out against the Colts last year. So he’s got that going for him, which is nice. And while his stats are very similar to Sharpe’s right now, he’ll log a few more years and push those numbers 20 per cent past Shannon’s, similar to the gap between Elway and Montana. So if you’re going to keep Gonzalez as your No. 1 tight end, I assume you’ll soon be switching your top QB?
Bankmeister: Like most people, I certainly despise admitting defeat. There is no way on the planet I could counter the way you've portrayed this paradigm. Granted, it took you three months and several temper tantrums to construe it, it is a work of genius. That said, I place Old No. 16/19 where I place him largely based on SuperBowl MVP awards and resilience. Your boy has some impressive statistics in his admirable career, but they only amount to, in my skewed/biased/tainted/uneducated opinion, fourth best of all time. Conversely, I give Sharpe the nod for number two. If Tony had had one really good, fourth-best-of-all-time QB slinging him the rock for 11 years, his numbers would be 10 times those of Sharpe's. But he didn't, he did it with a handful of better-than-mediocre quarterbacks.
Nevertheless, your logic is solid, and by those measures, your ass-faced Ravens-jersey-renting tight end is the best of all time. Except for the fact that he's not.
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Oh, wait. Sorry. Guess that image is just a smidge out of date.
I missed previewing the Chefs game as per my contract. So let's catch both of you up:
Adrian Peterson humiliates Ty Law on touchdown run, Huard et al appear to have just picked up this "tackle football" thing earlier in the week, Vikings D not giving Inverted Vagina Symbol any room, Vikings kick field goal. Vikings 10-0.
Chefs suddenly show some life, recover a Peterson fumble and complete a few passes. Chefs inside the 30, IVS slams helmet after penalty simply to remove all doubt about what a whiny ass infant he truly is, Chefs settle for a try. 10-3 Land O' a Thousand Lakes.
Now on to the good game. The Broncos of Denver--but really, all of Colorado, not to mention points Montana north and New Mexico south--take on Jacksonville's favorite/only pro team, the Jaguars.
I am of mixed mind about this game. Normally I have a guess, a reading from the ol' Magic 8 Ball that I can feel confident about. Last week, for example, I guessed we'd blow the Raiders back to the East Bay.
I was right about that, except for the long stretches of time that I wasn't. This week is different. The Magic 8 Ball displays a question mark superimposed on an upraised middle finger. Thanks. Fucking smartass Boomer toy.
The Jags haven't run on anyone but have potentially the league's best running game, with Maurice Jones-Drew (when did guys start hyphenating their names? I blame Alex Dorgan-Ross) and Fred Taylor. The Broncos are giving up a 150+ on the turf and haven't faced a team with that kind of legpower. On the flip, we're chokin' the life outta other teams' passing games--even with the McCown/Losman factor on our side. But David Garrard has played well so far. Also the Jags D had 7 sacks last week. No pinche bueno, that.
But their side of beef on the D-line, John Henderson, is doubtful with a "head" issue. Profootballtalk.com raised an interesting notion: what if Mike Tice and Jack Del Rio are calling it that so they don't have to to treat it like what it is, a concussion? A sneaky way around the league's strict new guidelines, perchance? In any case, he's woozy, which will make it easier for some talentless, malevolent scrub like Chris Meyers to cut his legs out and ruin his career.
What it comes down to for me is our run defense against their backs. (I know, that's a hell of an insight. Stick around for my crop forecast. Hint: stay far, far away from beets, sugar and otherwise, in '08). If we hold 'em to 110 yards between the two we win by two touchdowns. If not...I don't wanna think about it.
Broncos 13, Jaguars 10.
And yes, Peter King picked the exact same score. I can hear what you're saying with my interweb mega-ears and you can go choke on a bowl of dicks.
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The rough focus of this blog is the rivalry between the Kansas City Chiefs (heralded by Bankmeister) and the Denver Broncos (championed by Cecil and Old No. 7). It may seem unfair that it's two versus one, but once KC gets that second Super Bowl win we'll even out the delegation.
Seven years ago we started The Tradition, in which Bronco fans travel out to the Truman Sports Complex with their team, and Chief-lovers return to the Rocky Mountains with theirs. We tailgate, we talk massive amounts of shit, our wives are occasionally assaulted by rival fans, and we almost always watch the visiting team lose. It's grand old time.
Here at the HoG, we're going to keep The Tradition going with Tradition Tuesday--a weekly state-of-the-rivalry address.
Well, here we are. Two days from the start of the 2007 NFL season -- five from Broncos/Bills at Ralph Wilson Stadium and Chiefs/Texans at Reliant Stadium -- and the House of Georges, in its near-six-month existence, has taken great delight in bringing you Tradition Tuesday.
With football season upon us, we'll be taking a slightly different approach, one that will keep a keen eye on playoff (playoffs?) baseball, the start of the NHL season, and a continued-swift delivery of your weekly collection of not-rough-on-the-eye females. Most importantly, though, we'll be bringing you exclusive coverage of Chief/Broncos football on a more-often-than-weekly basis, which is good news for everyone.
The talented Cecil has promised to deliver pre- and post-game reports of both clubs (though I'm sure Old No. 7 and I may, on occasion, chime in with our own unsolicited two bits), which, based on his preliminary offerings and summarized theses of professional contests, we can agree is a win/win for us and all involved. Old No. 7, being the gambling man/non-fan of Las Vegas that he is not, will cover spreads, over/unders, fantasy stuff, and all the other erotic-sounding mechanisms numbers-related tidbits in which interest is sought. He has also offered his ever-decreasing time to interview, on a weekly basis, a fan of the opposing team, a project in which I will participate as well. The HoG now has a Broncos/Bills interview and a Chiefs/Texans interview in the shop, as it were, needing only the final spit shines and chrome polishings to get these features on the street.
That said, there are two pressing Choncos-in-my-Briefs issues on which to report today. One: Over yonder, west of the Kansas border, Mike Shanahan and his Broncos inked a deal with Simeon Rice yesterday to help bolster the Bronco pass rush. That should add to the help they gave their squad -- the off-season acquisitions of Dre Bly and four D-line draft picks -- in a major way. In case you've been under a rock, the boys in predominantly orange also added to their offense by signing tailback Travis Henry and wideout Brandon Stokley. The Broncos and their 53-man roster are ready for some football.
Two: The Chiefs finally have all of their starters ready to practice together for the first time in the entire pre-season. Yikes, huh? Mmm-hmm. A good sign for the red and gold. A bit late, but a good sign. Huard, after nursing a sore calf will finally have blind-side protection from left tackle Damion McIntosh, who's been out with a bum knee. And of course, the inverted-vagina symbol and his piles of money are in the backfield. Word has it he'll split time with Michael Bennett until he hits top football shape. Other good news for Chiefs Nation involves their final molding of the roster, which includes the club's decision to cut AFL wide receiver star Bobby Sippio. What? Oh. Good news. Right. Sorry.
The cutting of Sippio was done to make room for third-string quarterback Tyler Thigpen, a rookie out of Coastal Carolina that the Minnesota Vikings were apparently trying to sign to their practice squad. Cut from Thigpen's place were Canada leftover Casey Printers and Jeff Terrell, the only two QBs that showed pre-season mobility and scored against the Saints, respectively. But it gets better. The Chiefs, one week removed from the opener, now have decided to bring in a kicker to compete with fifth-round draft pick Justin "Doink" Medlock. Among the candidates is the 43-year-old John Carney, who was cut by the Saints last year in favor of guys like Billy Cundiff. Sweet.
Yes indeed, folks. Good times. Nevertheless, we'll see if Herm's fixed his "terrible job" in the preparations department. We'll see if he's got his club ready for Houston. We'll see if we'll be offering the tag line "Houston, we have a problem" to Cecil's pre-game review. Or post-game. Or both.
Uh...huh-huh, like...go Bills and stuff.
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