An Open Letter To The National Baseball Team Of The United States Of America

Gentlemen,

In two hours you will step onto a hostile field in a foreign land to battle a foe that opposes every thing this great country stands for. The nation of Canada is our enemy, an enemy no less vial vile than the jihadists of Bin Laden, the stormtroopers of Hitler, the redcoats of Cornwallis. These mopes, dressed as innocent ballplayers garnished with maple leaves (not leafs, you illiterate colonists) are enemy combatants that deserve no quarter. Bury them as if our way of life depended on it.

American citizens may find the U.S.-Canada game from the World Baseball Classic at high noon Mountain time on the four-letter network. Watch it if you wish, but remember that even if you're doing something else our very democracy is at stake. Should our boys in red, white and blue fail once again to defeat these bucktoothed ingrates of the Yukon, our fragile republic is in jeopardy. We may as well give up and adopt the Canucks' standards: sodomy, socialism, blended whiskey.

I, for one, refuse to bend to these rebels without a bloody fight.

So then, American team, I leave you with the words of General Dwight David Eisenhower on the eve of the invasion of Normandy Beach:

Soldiers, Sailors and Airmen of the Allied Expeditionary Force!

You are about to embark upon the Great Crusade, toward which we have
striven these many months. The eyes of the world are upon you. The
hopes and prayers of liberty-loving people everywhere march with you.
In company with our brave Allies and brothers-in-arms on
other Fronts, you will bring about the destruction of the German Canadian war
machine, the elimination of Nazi ham/bacon tyranny over the oppressed peoples of
Europe North America, and security for ourselves in a free world.

Your task will not be an easy one. Your enemy is well trained, well
equipped and battle hardened. He will fight savagely.

Our air offensive has seriously reduced their
strength in the air and their capacity to wage war on the ground. Our Home
Fronts have given us an overwhelming superiority in weapons and munitions
of war, and placed at our disposal great reserves of trained fighting men.
The tide has turned! The free men of the world are marching together to
Victory!

I have full confidence in your courage and devotion to duty and skill in
battle. We will accept nothing less than full Victory!

Good luck! And let us beseech the blessing of Almighty God upon this great
and noble undertaking.