The Latest Poop On The Kansas City Royals

I have no idea if this clip has made it onto this site in the past, but here it is. Enjoy, after the jump...


Our fantasy baseball league is named after Ted Williams, who was a great American. Its two divisions are the Mark Grace (for all the Cubs fans) and the George Brett (for everyone else). Every once in a while we'll get a new owner, and that new owner will want to rename a division after Ryne Sandberg or Kirby Puckett or Doc Gooden or somebody.

That new owner can go get fucked. I will never play fantasy baseball in a league that doesn't name a division after George Brett.
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Musings From Roy F. Almania: We's Bumpin' Some Swift Guessin'; He's Jumpin' the Smith & Wesson

We were a bit concerned last month when it seemed as if my cousin Roy -- the esteemed author behind this series -- wasn't going to be able to make time for a monthly Kansas City Royals take. He's been a pretty reliable outsource in the past couple of baseball seasons, and I for one, am glad he was able to electronically transmit another take here in '09, in consecutive months, no less. His February offering cautiously tiptoed around the notion of optimism, and I think perhaps that he's built upon that in March. His second spring-training essay, just after the jump.

I ain't a-certain how's things is in your neck of the woods, but I know that the day's a cloudless one both here in Joplin, and down in Surprise. And I don't aim to dive into the half-full team pitcher, but I imagine that the message the boys in blue intend to convey is clear as well: The days of 100-loss seasons are behind us. At least for a spell.

I started to put these thoughts on paper right good and early before dawn this morning, when the sports page of today's The Joplin Globe gleamed a stat that made me smile good and big: The Kansas City Royals are 10-6-2 thus far in Cactus League play, a far better spring training mark than I can remember in a number of years. I'm not afraid to admit that I don't make it to the House of Georges everyday, but that mark looks a bit better than some of the other favorite, often-referenced clubs on this page of the World Wide Web. Having said that, I'm inclined to stick with a categorized approach to how things look for KC at this point.

The Good

I can keep these sentiments to one sentence a piece: I'm pleased that the positives we been seeing appear well-rounded: They've managed to maintain near-decent starts (save for one Brian Bannister) from the fellas that're likely to be starters while there's good, strong potential in middle relief, a proven closer, and an overall motif of better plate appearances.

The Bad

I still finger the rotation as Kansas City's Achilles. I figure they might could open the season in Chicago with nary a southpaw, and that right there's some sour milk on a good crunchy bowl of Grape Nuts.

The However

If and when Trey Hillman finalizes the active roster with all them "right" guys, I gotta believe that better plate appearances, on-par fielding, roughly adequate speed, mixed with a few more veterans and their due-to-develop youth, all yield a harvest that reaps more wins.

The Obvious

It's spring training; no matter what, every team is still trying to put the pieces in place, and there's no sense in getting excited about a good crop when the weather remains unpredictable.

The Opponent of the Day

Now that I'm near the end of this submission, the Royals are a pair of outs away from win number 11, and it makes my innards swell with pride to think that they've gotten decent starts from Zack Greinke, Gil Meche, Luke Hochevar, and Kyle Davies while handling (today) proven starters like Bartolo Colon and Mark Buerhle.

The End

As the boys wrap up their 11th win with 11 runs, I'll add that I'm plum pleased to see the long balls: New Royal Mike Jacobs has four; Mitch Maier hit his third today; Alex Gordon and Billy Butler each have a pair; John Buck, perhaps angry with his demotion, has three; while Mark Teahen, perhaps angry about his non-native Canada's loss in the World Baseball Classic, has also gone yard four times now while several other Royals have hit one homer.

Opening day is three weeks away, and I am excited for the sixth of April.
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What You Need To Know About The World Baseball Classic

If you're a typical baseball fan, you've glanced at the ongoing World Baseball Classic with some mild interest. It sure can't compare to the excitement of Opening Day for your hometown club, but it's way more amusing than typical Spring Training action. These games certainly count for something, and there's the added element of national pride.

Problem is, the whole thing is fucking confusing. Why did the U.S. play Venezuela again Wednesday night? Didn't we already win our pool? And most important, if this tournament is supposed to showcase the finest players from all the baseball-playing countries in the world, why in the fuck is LaTroy Hawkins allowed anywhere near a mound?

All your WBC head-scratchers solved, after the jump...

DOUBLE ELIMINATION

This relic of slow-pitch softball tournaments and children's soccer shootouts is the reason for the perplexing first-round schedule. Every nation, from the mighty Puerto Ricans to the lowly South Africans, had to lose twice to get sent home. This was the reason the Americans had to take on Venezuela one more time (they lost, meaning a quarterfinal opener against Puerto Rico instead of the Netherlands).

The double-elimination format in pool play is a change from the round-robin arrangement in 2006. No one liked that--too many pools were bound up with tied teams and the tiebreakers always came down to run differential. And run differential is about as fun to talk about as your whore mom. So I suppose this is an improvement?

Not really--it's actually quite misleading. By calling the first round "double elimination" you might think that the Netherlands (who lost twice to Puerto Rico) and Mexico (who lost to both Australia and Cuba) would be history, right? Wrong. Both finished second in their pool and get to move on to the quarters.

But, thankfully, the first round is over. Eight teams are moving on to Miami and San Diego, where they'll face off in...another double elimination pool format.

WHO ARE THOSE TEAMS?

Glad you asked. First and foremost is the United Fucking States of America, the country that invented the game and hosts its premier league. It's about God damned time we did something other than suck spectacularly at international baseball.

We Americans have a deep and tremendously versatile bullpen as our greatest strength. That's a good thing, because the starting staff is shaky at best. Roy Oswalt is the guy you want out there, but he's not yet in shape for the season and probably couldn't go 6 innings if he wanted to (the 70-pitch limit from Round One has been expanded to 85 in this stage). Jake Peavy, for all of his greatness, is an awful big-game pitcher. I've come to this conclusion. Ted Lilly and Jeremy Guthrie are filler.

The USA has been blessed with a pretty fine offensive showing this far, with Kevin Youkilis and Adam Dunn--yes, Adam Dunn--providing the stiff wood. The shortstop platoon of Jeter and Rollins is fantastic, David Wright and Ryan Braun are playing well (although Braun is awful defensively, Jesus) and the gritty Mark DeRosa, who was grittily added to this team to add to its grit quotient, provides needed grit.

The weak link to this point has been manager Davey Johnson, who appears to have not seen a baseball game since 1986. I'm not sure he's aware that you need to get relievers up in the bullpen before bringing them into a game. Best case scenario for the U.S. would be a "family emergency" that drew Davey away from the team for a few days. Bingo! Barry Larkin, you can't possibly be any worse.

As for the rest of these squads, let's just say the Americans will have to earn it. Venezuela and Korea are deep and dangerous. Mexico could beat anyone, but they're most likely doomed outside their home stadium. Cuba is, as always, a mystery. They're loaded with amazing 45-year-old communist ballplayers you've never seen before. Japan, the defending champs, are the grand masters of the international game. They pitch, field, and situationally hit with precision and economy and a five-star crash test rating.

As awesome as the Japanese appear, however, I'm convinced that the supreme overlords of the World Baseball Classic are the diamond titans from Puerto Rico. Look at this roster. LOOK AT IT! Okay, perhaps it's only mesmerizing for a true Latino baseball geek, but trust me. They're stacked. Unlike the vanquished Dominicans, however, these cats actually play together as a team. Bernie Williams is there, for Pete's sake, and he's retired from the game. Pudge Rodriguez doesn't even have a job and he is mashing. They're loving this tournament, and I'd be pretty surprised if they didn't take it.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE DOMINICAN REPUBLIC?

I've heard it called a fluke, and I've heard it said that it's the reason this tournament is an illegitimate joke. The DR dropped not one but two games to the Netherlands in Round One and they're out. It's about as wacky and stunning a development as you could concoct on a bucketful of psillocybin mushrooms, and it really happened. I'm here to say it was not a fluke, and that no one is to blame but the Dominican players--not the tournament, not the format, not the venue.

The DR has the greatest collection of superstar baseball talent on Earth, even missing A-Rod, Pujols and Manny. There are 20 future All-Star selections on that roster, and at least two or three guys who are headed to Cooperstown someday. They laid a massive egg in the first game against the Dutch, allowing three unearned runs in the first and committing catastrophic baserunning blunders late. Still, after a rout of Panama, they were in position to avenge that boner and make the quarters, yet they failed to score a single run for 10 innings. After capitalizing on a Dutch defensive miscue in the 11th, the combination of Carlos Marmol's hanging sliders and Willy Aybar's hands of stone handed the Netherlands a second win on a plate. Embarrassing. Holland can't stay around very long (they can't score), but it's a great story. Hell, this guy's their pitching coach:

WHAT'S NEXT?

Netherlands-Venezuela starts the second round tomorrow at 11 am Mountain on MLB Network, followed by United States-Puerto Rico at 6. On Sunday, those same times see Japan and Cuba in a 2006 final rematch on ESPN2, followed by Mexico and Korea.

And after that, double elimination chaos. Good luck keeping up.

SHIT I JUST DON'T GET

Puerto Rico is not a country.

Half of the Caribbean is crazy about baseball: Cuba, Mexico, Puerto Rico, Panama, Venezuela and the Dutch Antilles. The rest is oblivious: Jamaica, Costa Rica, Colombia, Brazil, Belize, Bahamas, Haiti. I was in Costa Rica for my honeymoon and wanted to watch the All-Star Game, and no one in that country has ever heard of baseball. The island of Hispaniola is half Dominican Republic, perhaps the most densely-concentrated baseball factory ever, and half Haiti, where three MLB players have been born in history. Weird.

Seriously, LaTroy Hawkins?
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Hey, Let's Talk Baseball

All this offseason NFL drama is enough to tucker somebody out. Let's venture, for just a minute, to the pastoral fields of Florida and Arizona. It's Spring Training--Catch The Very Mild Fever!

In every sport, folks wonder how much the preseason matters. At a time when my favorite team sits at 2-5 in the Grapefruit League, and my home-state representatives have posted an 0-7 mark in the Cactus, I'm arguing that exhibition games don't matter at all. Not one bit, nope. Just warming up.

Come along, kids, if you dare. There's much more meaningless action after the jump...

Manny Your Post The Dodgers and estranged slugger Manny Ramirez came to terms on a two-year, $45 million contract that includes a player option in 2010. It's a good thing that Manny employs the cuddly and beloved Scott Boras as his agent--that dude is a negotiating mastermind. Through his incredible willpower and financial savvy, Boras got Manny the exact same contract that was on the table last week, for the exact same money that's been in play for three months. I suppose Boras did allow Manny to miss the first two weeks of practice and stuff, which freed Ramirez up to collect modern art or play with Legos. That is definitely worth ten per cent.

One thing this insures is that the Dodger lineup will be devastating this year. LA Times blogger Jon Weisman projects this:

1. Rafael Furcal (S) SS
2. Russell Martin (R) C
3. Andre Ethier (L) RF
4. Manny Ramirez (R) LF
5. James Loney (L) 1B
6. Matt Kemp (R) CF
7. Orlando Hudson (S) 2B
8. Casey Blake (R) 3B

You may ask what the big deal is, just adding one player, even if that player is as potent as Manny. I think that dropping such a proven vet in the middle of all those young kids is like adding a match to gasoline. If Loney or Martin of Kemp felt like they needed to carry the Dodgers, I think their production would suffer. Let Manny carry that burden and those guys will thrive.

And that, folks, is what will pass for serious analysis in this installment. Back to the snark and fag jokes.

In Dusty We Trust Dusty Baker, the Herm Edwards of baseball, was at it again yesterday. Dusty noticed that his best hitter, infielder Brandon Phillips, spends far more time next to him in the dugout than on the basepaths. So Dusty wants Phillips to hone his strike zone awareness.

That's very progressive, Dusty, but where do I get the notion that this whole on-base percentage is very, very new to you? Here. Reds fans, I'm sorry to say it but your manager has brought a knife to a gunfight.

Small Market My Ass I know I've beat this dead horse for years (the HoG turns two in two weeks, we're registered at Target), but I think small-market clubs using financial woes as an excuse for playing poorly is bullshit. The economy is certainly in the toilet and the stock market decimated. This has many teams shedding payroll and many investors bailing out.

You know what smart guys, especially ones with balls, do during times like these? They buy cheap. Warren Buffett has made billions capitalizing on undervalued assets in economic downturns, and A's GM Billy Beane always fields a competitive squad despite one of MLB's skimpiest budgets. Beane inked Orlando Cabrera, vastly underpriced at $4 million, to take over from always-injured Bobby Crosby at short, and added Nomar as a utility man. This after picking up former MVP Jason Giambi for $15 million less than his 2008 salary and superstar Matt Holliday for scraps (sorry Rockies).

Beane knows that the AL West is winnable, and even if his thin pitching does him in, he can unload these veterans in July to rebuild. This is how you play the front office game.

I Love A Parade Captain Cheeseburger wants one. He's come to the right town.

The World Is Bud Selig's Oyster Baseball Classic I guess the World Baseball Classic started early this morning in Tokyo. I'd give you a score, but you're already on the fucking Internet, do it yourself. I'm not your God damned lackey. I think I'm going to love the WBC, but I said that last time and the U.S. lost to Canada. This time we have to travel to Toronto for the first round, and my anger levels are approaching redline. We fucking invented this game, the weather in the southern portion of this nation is gorgeous, and yet our best and brightest baseballers have to go play on the plastic carpet of a second-rate country. I'll ask again, what good is an enormous military if you can't use it to subsume our weak-ass neighbors to the north? Riddle me that, President Obama.

Clever Headline Starting With The Letter A and a Hyphen Goes Here Alex Rodriguez has a cyst in his hip and may have to miss the next ten weeks of baseball. This would knock him out of the WBC and force him to skip the opening of the New Yankee Stadium, where he would be mercilessly booed. Today A-Rod flies to Vail, where he'll get his hip checked out at the world-renowned Steadman-Hawkins clinic. I predict one thing: Rape. You see, Steadman-Hawkins was where Kobe Bryant was visiting when he bent a hotel employee over a chair for some "consensual" good times. And Kobe shared his smooth pickup skills with A-Rod on the set of this commercial:

Of course, A-Rod may have also picked up some party tips from another rocker in that video. Innocent residents of Eagle County, Colorado be warned. Lock up your daughters and your weed.
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Musings From Roy F. Almania: Big Vs In Surprise?

Greetings one, greetings all, and welcome to the first day of spring-training game action, Kansas City Royals style. The House of Georges team is pleased to announce that the one and only, Roy F. Almania will be back in swing to offer occasional opinions and observations regarding the Kansas City Royals. When my illustrious cousin didn't respond to my initial outreaches, I was afeared we'd have to contract out our always-popular Royals coverage. But alas, I heard from him this morning, and he promised to dump some verbiage in my inbox within 10 minutes of the conclusion of today's game. And deliver he did. We'll not say that his swing is full; I'm not even sure that it'll be check. He shrewdly avoided any commitment to a monthly offering, but at least for today, he came through. His thoughts on how things look for the boys in blue, just after the jump.

To all the Royals fans out there, I'd really like to be able enough to say that I told ya' so. Had I offered some off-season insight like I done last year, I'd have a bit of rights to do just that. But, what with the economy and all, I found myself needin' some part-time work this winter, so apply at the Kum & Go I did. They had me workin' nights. Still do, actually, which don't leave as much time as I'm used to for what's to be done 'round the ranch. Most 'specially sleep and study up on my favorite baseball team.

I do have some key points to offer, and I'm in a bit of a time crunch to get this off to cousin Bank', so the noggin's a bit foggy and I can't well say what the best order for these is. But here they is either way:

1) I wasn't so sure how I felt about the Mike Jacobs acquistion. Coco Crisp I'm fine with. In him we get a decent bat, decent speed, and an everyday outfielder. Another first baseman, though? I can't quite feel good about that what with the logjam that was already there: Billy Butler, Ryan Shealy, Ross Gload, and Kila Ka'aihue just to name a few. I know Jacobs hit some 32 over the fence last year, but his OPS was dad-gummed awful. Not only that, but factor in that the acquisition was another one with Atlanta, which makes me fear Dayton Moore's ability to contact other clubs. Especially when the other clubs he seems to frequent are known for their worst-in-baseball record last year. I'll do my best to give Jacobs a shot at showin' us he can get on base as well as hit for power, but I'm still feelin' squirrely about the whole darn thing.

2) I may as well move directly left in the infield, and eyeball the dustmite collection going on at second. I just can't put a finger on why a body wouldn't want to move Mike Aviles over, and plug Mark Teahen in at short. Instead, they're bringing more folks like Willie Bloomquist and some random kid named Tug while lettin' that fool of all fools Alberto Callaspo spoil the camp vibe with his Visa/itinerary debacles. Some folks want to point to his .305 average, and error-free, 74-game performance last year, and well, I can't really argue much with the numbers. But Lord, almighty.

3) Much depends on the production of Alex Gordon and Billy Butler this year. I heard from a nearby farm-hand that Moore don't care much for Butler's attitude, but the boy hit a single and a long ball today, so I imagine there was a curious eye or two on the double B this afternoon.

4) Tony Pena, Jr., Mike Moustakas, Mitch Maier, Shane Costa, and Esteban German. I reckon them five names will circulate more than any this year with regards to filling in the holes that need fillin'.

5) Most of all, though, is the rotation. The thought of it gives me a mighty headache without even truthfully thinkin' the thing through. The way I see it, and I seen it this way for some time, now, is that there's only two starters in the five-man pitching staff: Gil Meche and Zack Greinke. Now, we all know that Brian Bannister showed us flashes two seasons past. He also showed us a heapin' plate full of misery one year ago, so the boy's a crapshoot. I understand that a certain Kansas City someone keeps a mighty tight tab on the boy. That leaves Kyles Davies and Farnsworth, along with Luke Hochevar as three guys battlin' for one spot, and they're all righties. So are Meche, Greinke, and Bannister, which leaves the 34-year-old John Bale, a woeful Jimmy Gobble, and an injured Ron Mahay to fill in as the club's only southpaw. 'Cept for one thing: Horacio Ramirez, who did just as I feared he'd do today in his start in Surprise: get rocked. The man gave up six runs in two-thirds of an inning today, and I haven't for the life of me figured out who thought, or why they thought it, that he might be a good nod for this already talent-plagued rotation.

Makes me want to put a pitchfork in the back of a promisin' sow, it does. Now, I can't for the life of me figure out what the story has been with Luke Hudson or Brandon Duckworth; neither's on the roster, though Ducky came in today and gave up half the runs Ramirez did in more than two innings of work. Course, they wanna pin some o' them first-inning runs on Teahen's errant throw, and I reckon that's fair, but I just knew this'd happen either way.

In sum, there'd been two things on the brain this winter: how the Royals'd fare in Surprise, and how their season'd start off. Both are usually stinkin' terrible, and today didn't lend me to think that things'd be much different. I channeled today's game hopin' that KC'd start off with some Big Vs (at's for "victory") in Surprise. Instead, they delivered another Big D. And that, my friends, stands for disappointment.
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