Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Tradition Tuesday: Brodie Bangs, Jay Jams

The rough focus of this blog sometimes appears to be a Litmus of the best ways in which to ridicule the once-glorious Chiefs of Kansas City, and examine whether or not the Broncos of Denverville can once again achieve the latitude tagged within the walls of this here House as "sustained excellence." We're well aware that the Chargers of Whale's Vagina and the Raiders of Oaktown exist in the AFC West as well, but we really only care about those teams when ours beats them, Hochuli-style or not. We've never taken Tradition chapters to California on a consistent basis; I know that Seven and I have attended at least one contest a piece at the Comms of Qual, wherein we verified that no Chargers fans actually exist, but that's another post for another day.

What is post-worthy for today centers on the contests these two clubs face this coming weekend. Well, by "weekend," I mean that KC will, as usual, play on Sunday like the rest of the league, while the Broncos will play one of their seven primetime games...wait, what? What's this? Denver has a road game? How could this be? The schedule in front of me says that Pat Bowlen's club, with the help of his good pal Roger Goodell, are guaranteed a minimum of 10 home games a year. They've already traveled to Oakland and Kansas City, and it's only mid-October. Seems foolish for the NFL's most favoritest club to be blowing their road load so soon. And they've still yet to play in San Diego! Unposterous!

Nevertheless, with nearly half of their games on primetime television (Editor's Note: As usual.), the other half slated for "flex"ibility, and a mere fourth and inches of them being played away from InVesCo, it's no wonder that these Broncos are in first place in the West. The cake scheduling, the suspect officiating are both trends of consistency, as are the recent abilities to lose at home to Jacksonville, while beating New England in Foxboro. I don't get it, but I'm sure Jaynificent the First will see to it that his club demonstrates: a) minimal defensive capabilities, b) zero running game, and c) his personal no-fools mode of only looking at "Diez y Cinco" every time he steps back to pass. Naturally, the end result will be a victory for the team not just sodomized by Norv Turner on national television.

(image courtesy of Kissing Suzy Kolber)

The end result of course, is that Denver is 5-2, and then faces -- oh, hey, look! -- a home game against the Miami Dolphins (Note: The Broncos may or may not travel to Cleveland the following week; Rog' and Patsy still have to meet for tea and crumpets to decide whether or not they'll make Fatass Crennell and his now-scary-looking Browns board a plane.)

Meanwhile, in the heartland, the ever-intelligent Kansas City Chiefs have announced that there will be a pre-game celebration for certain past-and-present players this Sunday at Arrowhead. While I'm sure the other players that will be recognized in this ceremony are equally important, the one worth mentioning is of course Tony Gonzalez. The greatest tight end of all time wound up three yards shy of a certain record in the victory against Denver, and was less than pleased that certain doofi didn't call one more risk-free pass play so that Gonzalez could set the record at home. Instead, he set it the following week in the worst professional football game ever played, so he had that going for him, which totally blew. Add to that, that in mere moments, the NFL trade deadline expires, and Gonzalez could be a member of another team, which would mean, um, HE WON'T FUCKING BE THERE. Good job, Herm. 'Preciate it, bro.

Once the game commences, however, it will likely be the beginning of the final stages of the Brodie Croyle Experiment. Now, there's no telling how long said stages could last. Many experts are predicting he won't make it through the game unscathed, which would mean that Edwards and Co. would again have to call on Santa Claus just a tad early, hopeful that he has some gifts ready.

Regardless of who's tickling the center's bottom, Larry Johnson will need to gain more than two yards, his net total against Carolina, and only one yard less than the total number of assault charges levied against him since he signed with Kansas City. The game, however, will be interesting in a number of ways. In between stints with the Chiefs as head coach, and his current gig as defensive coordinator (again), Gunther Cunningam was a linebackers coach (or something of that sort) for Head Coach Jeff Fisher and his Titans. It should be noted that Jeff Fisher is pretty rad. His club is now the only undefeated squad around, and he's been putting together some pretty tight teams since the Oilers left for Nashville. The Titan ownership has shown faith in him during the tougher times, and obviously for good reason.

The other interesting aspect of this game is that Kerry fucking Collins is quarterbacking this team. I mean, they drafted this head case

but he's proven to be little more than a Michael Vick or a Reggie Bush -- guys that can't really play the position they're supposed to, but they can run, baby. They can run. I suppose the jury on Vince Young is still sequestered somewhere in Graceland, but if Jeff Fisher says that Kerry Collins is a better answer for your football club than you are, then you's in trubs, boss.

Anyway, I'm not real sure why Old No. 7 elected to give Mr. Croyle the nickname of "Brodie Bangs." I mean, logic would tell me it's either a)

because of the locks covering his forehead, b)

what he actually bangs, or c)

the fact that defensive units bangs him around quite a bit. Don't get me wrong; I'm down with it.

Just as long as Jay can jam.

And something tells me...

...the boy can jam.


Unknown said...

Just to let you know Graceland is in Memphis... But that is ok I didn't know that until I moved to TN. Living in Nashville the last few years the Titans sucked but they are really playing great defensive football. I had a chance to go to the Titans game against the Vikings... AP ran great but the Titans won that game with hard nosed defense. Kind of reminded me of a team i love and how they played in the 90's.

blairjjohnson said...

I be knowin' where Graceland is, 2000. I meant that the jury's safely nestled there, away from the Nashville hype.

Unknown said...

I get shit about using "z" and you go with "I be knowin'?"

Good stuff. The Chiefs are three years too late on the Tony G trade ... shocking.

I love reading you struggle with your baseball problem. Thank you.

Reggie Bush bashing ... weird. I expect he was drafted to get yards and touchdowns. I suppose if, as an RB, he's only supposed to run then he's a failure. But this isn't the 1930s (or the Dolphins of this year), so it's okay to catch a few passes. Hell, it keeps the defense honest. That ol' Reggie Bush argument started dying 6 weeks ago, man.

You're in good company, though. Kornheiser went with the ol', "he's just not fast enough for the NFL." Of course, Reggie went on to run 2 punts back for TDs after that Kornheiser gem and was clocked at 22mph down the sideline.

I liked the Tony piece.

-- TLR

P.S. Reggie Bush has 8 TDs this year.

P.P.S. Where can I order that album, man? Does it come with the collector's edition, "I Eat Chiefs' Dick"? That's a classic, with many new editions on the horizon.