Friday, October 17, 2008

Back By (un)Popular Demand

Yeah, yeah, The Lone Reader finds time to comment--albeit nonsensically--on most every post, and 7 and I are lounging on our respective porches awaiting the Big Gummint Handout from Uncle Sam that's sure to arrive alongside our prospective Socialist Utopia. Understood.

I'd just like to speak in our defense for a quick sec before we get to some actual sportyness. So here goes:

We were late. We were busy. We were stuck in traffic. We had a long, long line at the DMV (and if you've ever been to the one on Mississippi in west Denver you know what I'm talkin' about). We were trying to count the magic beans we got from that guy. We were held prisoner in Marilyn Musgrave's torture basement and had to escape through the sewer. We were sizing up matching "That One" t-shirts. We were apologizing to our wives. We were sobbing quietly in the corner. We were mixing Absinthe and Galliano and Yoo-Hoo. We were visiting our parole officers. We were taking on Big Oil. We were learning to tie a half-Windsor knot. We were sexing up Sarah Palin Bee-Gees style. We were contemplating the end of life as you know it. We were comparing arm strength with Jay Cutler.

So now you know. And hey, speaking of the local 11's starting QB...

One of the things I love about the kid is that he says what's on his mind. He's not going to give the usual "he's a heck of a competitor" quote about a guy he thinks is a douchetard--a guy like, for instance, Philip Rivers.

You all know Rivers. He's the grinning Hillbilly sumbitch who quarterbacks the San Diego Chargers.

He was the focus of a crazy draft day trade with the Giants, he won the MVP of every one of the five bowl games he played at North Carolina State, he's accurate enough with the football to knock a fly off a #4 pencil from 20 yards away, has an excellent winning percentage as an NFL starter, toughed out an ACL injury in last year's AFC Championship while his superstar running back sulked on the sidelines and is a total dickhead.

Marmalard, as the formerly anonymous dudes at Kissing Suzy Kolber call him--who knows why, but it fits--talks a lot of trash on the field. Players around the league know him as a big-mouthed blowhard (just two weeks ago he was named as one of the Most Overrated QBs in the league in a Sports Illustrated poll of NFL players) who likes to yap when his team is doing well, but make excuses when they aren't. The most famous incidence of this occurred on Christmas Eve of '07, when the cameras caught him shouting at Jay Cutler from the safety of his own sideline.

Now, that particular occasion has been talked mostly to death, and clearly Cutler was doing a little smack-talkin' himself. But the taste, the bitter, metallic taste, remains with Bronco fans to this moment.

After all, he's a fucking Charger. We don't care about them. They are, or should be, as nothing to us. The Chargers are eternally meant to be a carbuncle awaiting the lance, not a dominant squad inspiring loosened bowels in the orange-n-blue fanbase...right? Right?

So it hurts. Not only to lose to the soon-to-be-located-in-Anaheim-or-somewhere Bolts--who have clearly upset reality's applecart to become the most talented (if underachieving) team in the division--but to have their nominal leader open his cockwasher and lay down the smack. I mean, ow. That ain't right.

So it makes me feel good when our boy JC The Messiah, shot up with Insulin and feelin' fiesty, chooses to not pull punches when discussing the, er, relationship between the two:

"Visiting on Fox’s The Best Damn Sports Show, Period, Cutler was put on the spot about his rivalry with Rivers. Not surprisingly, Cutler responded candidly. Asked if he thought Rivers was 'kind of an ass,' (Ed. Note: Yes), Cutler laughed before stating the obvious: he and Rivers don’t exactly get along.

'We don’t really have a lot of contact with each other. It’s become a nice rivalry. We’re both younger guys and both on pretty good teams in the same division and get to see each other twice. I’m just not that big of a fan of the guy.'

Cutler continued, 'I don’t like how he carries himself. I don’t like some of the stuff he does on the field.'" (From

Pretty mild by the standards of the intratubers. But remember, this is a fellow NFL QB he's talking about. It's not like they won't see each other again. We say to you, New #6, that's exactly the kind of thing we need around here. When you all meet again in San Diego, I hope you pay a guy to put Icy Hot in his jock.