Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Baseball In The Daytime (Playoff Edition): 10-1-08

As Dane Cook once told America, there's only one October. And yet, here we are, barely a year later, with another one. What gives, Dane? You're already not funny and all of your movies stink, do you rally have to lie so brazenly?

Perhaps Dane was speaking of that bizarre phenomenon known as Rocktober. There is, almost certainly, only one of those.

And so today we embark upon the odyssey known as the Major League Baseball playoff tournament, in which eight deserving clubs unsheath swords and joust for a chance at the World Series. Because MLB is a money-grubbing whore farm, the games are dispersed according to perceived market value. The good thing is that we get a couple more instances of day baseball. The bad part is the shittiest series goes first. Jump with us, friends, for a preview of the Brewers and the Phillies game. Hell, we'll just go ahead and hype the whole series...

Milwaukee @ Philadelphia Game 1, 1:07 Mountain Playoff time is when all the lightweight morons who don't follow a sport all year show up. They invade your taverns and living room and pepper you with really dumb questions. Here are a few of those questions:

The Brewers made the playoffs? They sure did, although you could more accurately say that the Mets choked on a slightly smaller dick than in 2007. God bless the Mets. Their epic collapses have given us so much. Back-to-back NL East titles for the Phillies. The spunky Rockies edging out the lame ass Padres in last year's one-game playoff. And now, Milwaukee's first appearance in the postseason since 1982, which is a really long time.

I suppose it's worth noting that these Brewers can actually play a little baseball too. They're powered by a young lineup that can hit the ball a long way and also not hit the ball at all. It's almost as if they have nine Ryan Howards. They've got a little speed and they can't play defense. And their closer has been horrible lately. So, what I'm saying is, way to go Mets.

Will C.C. Sabathia start every game this series? It sure looks likely. Sabathia came over in a midseason trade and pitched in an MLB record 54 consecutive games, compiling a 38-1 record with 615 strikeouts (actually 11-2 with a 1.65 ERA in 17 starts). Really, he'll go in Game 2, his fourth consecutive call on three days rest. Brewers manager Dale Sveum is committed to destroying every fiber in Sabathia's arm just in time for him to sign a lucrative free agent contract with the New York Yankees.

Just how dumb is Dale Sveum? Oh, he's really dumb. He became the manager of this team two weeks ago and has lowered its collective IQ by 20 points. Ryan Braun, widely considered the dumbest player in baseball (he matriculated at the University of Miami), thinks that the Brewers have a chance if Sveum is told that the bullpen phone is covered in poison ivy.

When Sveum was the third-base coach under Grady Little in Boston, fans compiled the Wall of Sveum--a list of baserunners sent home who were thrown out by 20 feet. The list was long.

Are you going to say anything about the Phillies? Sure! Keep an eye out for Brad Lidge. He's come a long way from his monstrous home run served up to Albert Pujols in 2005. In fact, he was named Comeback Player of the Year yesterday, and award also known as Man You Used To Suck Really, Really Bad But This Year Not So Much. Lidge hasn't blown a save all year, but if today's game is close, and Prince Fielder comes up in the top of the ninth, and Lidge hangs a slider...all bets are off.

PREDICTION: Phillies in 4.