Friday Morning Fracas: Another Denver Drive. Through Cleveland.

So maybe he did find his happy place. Maybe he has been in Kelly Clarkson's bathtub. I dunno. What I do know matters little, yet I'm happy to share it after the jump.

First and foremost, I cannot believe what a great game that turned out to be. Earlier in the week, I imagined that Denver would continue their woeful ways and outright lose. When Brady Quinn was named the starter, I then thought that the contest had a chance to go either direction in the form of a lopsided win for somebody. Never did I imagine there would be so many lead changes, and a last-minute victory for the team that was trailing.

Second of all, without really viewing the game, I think Quinn's numbers are impressive for a rookie debut, even if it was against the Bailey-brotherless Denver defense.

Third, how does Romeo Crennell manage to stay employed? For that matter, how does Marvin Lewis. Oh, and of course Herm Edwards. Now, I don't mean to single out African-American coaches, but I do mean to single out coaches that would appear to be downright awful. Speaking of downright awful, Denny Green! He was in the ESPN radio booth with some other turkey calling the game last night. He sounded pretty intelligent, and did a pretty good job, even though his throat sounds like it has tepid applesauce and the contents of an ashtray swirling around in there. I really enjoyed the exchange that went like this, though:

Other turkey: "It's possible that Cutler has the strongest arm in the league. Coach what do you think (Editor's Note: Though I use quotes, I'm paraphrasing from memory.) about that?"

Denny Green: "Well, I know he likes to brag about his arm and say it's stronger than John Elway's. I coached John Elway. His arm is nowhere near as strong as John Elway's."

On the next play, a hook pattern, Green added: "See, it might appear that that was a strong throw, but the receiver was coming back to him, which distorts it."

What? What's Denny's beef with JayJams? I don't get it. Is he not who Denny thought he was?

Next is about fantasy. I drafted Jay Cutler pretty early, and so far he's done a lot of what I asked of him: pile up huge numbers and lose the game. Last night really pissed me off, Jayseph. I might have to bench you in favor of Jeff Garcia or something gay like that. Let's remember the second part of the deal: lose the game, jerkface.

Finally, and most important of all is this: Eat rat poison and fail to vomit while your stomach gnaws itself away, NFL Network. No really, choke down some Mr. Clean with a Clorox back. Want me to pay extra money for Thursday night games because you're a money-grubbing prick of an organization? Fuck. Off.

Oh, and there was Brandon "T.O., Jr." Marshall's post-game sob story. With sunglasses. Yo, B-Marsh, next time you step on a McDonald's bag, please make sure it's in front of a moving bus, you raging tool. (Note: Once we come across the StubTube footage, we'll upload it.)

(Update: Larry Brown Sports has this one, which isn't the one I was looking for, but it'll do for now.)



(Update II: Okay. Some dingleheimer put this together, which is just dandy, save for the fact that there's only two seconds of T.O., Jr. weeping at the podium with shades.)



(props to Westword)
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Tradition Tuesday: Brodie Bangs, Jay Jams

The rough focus of this blog sometimes appears to be a Litmus of the best ways in which to ridicule the once-glorious Chiefs of Kansas City, and examine whether or not the Broncos of Denverville can once again achieve the latitude tagged within the walls of this here House as "sustained excellence." We're well aware that the Chargers of Whale's Vagina and the Raiders of Oaktown exist in the AFC West as well, but we really only care about those teams when ours beats them, Hochuli-style or not. We've never taken Tradition chapters to California on a consistent basis; I know that Seven and I have attended at least one contest a piece at the Comms of Qual, wherein we verified that no Chargers fans actually exist, but that's another post for another day.

What is post-worthy for today centers on the contests these two clubs face this coming weekend. Well, by "weekend," I mean that KC will, as usual, play on Sunday like the rest of the league, while the Broncos will play one of their seven primetime games...wait, what? What's this? Denver has a road game? How could this be? The schedule in front of me says that Pat Bowlen's club, with the help of his good pal Roger Goodell, are guaranteed a minimum of 10 home games a year. They've already traveled to Oakland and Kansas City, and it's only mid-October. Seems foolish for the NFL's most favoritest club to be blowing their road load so soon. And they've still yet to play in San Diego! Unposterous!

Nevertheless, with nearly half of their games on primetime television (Editor's Note: As usual.), the other half slated for "flex"ibility, and a mere fourth and inches of them being played away from InVesCo, it's no wonder that these Broncos are in first place in the West. The cake scheduling, the suspect officiating are both trends of consistency, as are the recent abilities to lose at home to Jacksonville, while beating New England in Foxboro. I don't get it, but I'm sure Jaynificent the First will see to it that his club demonstrates: a) minimal defensive capabilities, b) zero running game, and c) his personal no-fools mode of only looking at "Diez y Cinco" every time he steps back to pass. Naturally, the end result will be a victory for the team not just sodomized by Norv Turner on national television.



(image courtesy of Kissing Suzy Kolber)

The end result of course, is that Denver is 5-2, and then faces -- oh, hey, look! -- a home game against the Miami Dolphins (Note: The Broncos may or may not travel to Cleveland the following week; Rog' and Patsy still have to meet for tea and crumpets to decide whether or not they'll make Fatass Crennell and his now-scary-looking Browns board a plane.)

Meanwhile, in the heartland, the ever-intelligent Kansas City Chiefs have announced that there will be a pre-game celebration for certain past-and-present players this Sunday at Arrowhead. While I'm sure the other players that will be recognized in this ceremony are equally important, the one worth mentioning is of course Tony Gonzalez. The greatest tight end of all time wound up three yards shy of a certain record in the victory against Denver, and was less than pleased that certain doofi didn't call one more risk-free pass play so that Gonzalez could set the record at home. Instead, he set it the following week in the worst professional football game ever played, so he had that going for him, which totally blew. Add to that, that in mere moments, the NFL trade deadline expires, and Gonzalez could be a member of another team, which would mean, um, HE WON'T FUCKING BE THERE. Good job, Herm. 'Preciate it, bro.

Once the game commences, however, it will likely be the beginning of the final stages of the Brodie Croyle Experiment. Now, there's no telling how long said stages could last. Many experts are predicting he won't make it through the game unscathed, which would mean that Edwards and Co. would again have to call on Santa Claus just a tad early, hopeful that he has some gifts ready.



Regardless of who's tickling the center's bottom, Larry Johnson will need to gain more than two yards, his net total against Carolina, and only one yard less than the total number of assault charges levied against him since he signed with Kansas City. The game, however, will be interesting in a number of ways. In between stints with the Chiefs as head coach, and his current gig as defensive coordinator (again), Gunther Cunningam was a linebackers coach (or something of that sort) for Head Coach Jeff Fisher and his Titans. It should be noted that Jeff Fisher is pretty rad. His club is now the only undefeated squad around, and he's been putting together some pretty tight teams since the Oilers left for Nashville. The Titan ownership has shown faith in him during the tougher times, and obviously for good reason.

The other interesting aspect of this game is that Kerry fucking Collins is quarterbacking this team. I mean, they drafted this head case



but he's proven to be little more than a Michael Vick or a Reggie Bush -- guys that can't really play the position they're supposed to, but they can run, baby. They can run. I suppose the jury on Vince Young is still sequestered somewhere in Graceland, but if Jeff Fisher says that Kerry Collins is a better answer for your football club than you are, then you's in trubs, boss.

Anyway, I'm not real sure why Old No. 7 elected to give Mr. Croyle the nickname of "Brodie Bangs." I mean, logic would tell me it's either a)



because of the locks covering his forehead, b)



what he actually bangs, or c)



the fact that defensive units bangs him around quite a bit. Don't get me wrong; I'm down with it.



Just as long as Jay can jam.



And something tells me...



...the boy can jam.
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