Showing posts with label I'm Begging You to Please Just Shoot Me Now. Show all posts
Showing posts with label I'm Begging You to Please Just Shoot Me Now. Show all posts

Monday, August 31, 2009

Monday Miscellany: Who'll Suck Most?; or Maybe They Should Just Play Each Other 16 Times


Right quick, both House of Georges teams have yet to win a game in the first pre-season to follow franchise overhauls. Crystal ball says it'll be a long season. Linkless highlights after the jump.

Thus far this pre-season, the Denver Broncos have seen their number one receiver suspended, Kyle Orton booed, witnessed him throw a hearty number of picks, and seen Chris Simms, son of a giant pussy, get hurt. They also saw Jay Cutler come into their home (last night) and light up team Orange and Gold.

The Kansas City Chiefs, on the other hand, have seen their number one receiver demoted, repremoted, their number one quarterback sprain his MCL, which of course comes one week after a two-week-long quarterback controversy, and their offense, basically, fail to do much of anything. This last bit resulted in Chan Gailey, offensive coordinator, being relieved of his duties this morning.

So, at a collective 0-6, what do these teams have going for them?

The answer: good kickers.

Yee. Haw.
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Tuesday, August 18, 2009

The Kansas City Royals HiV LOB, Most of July and August

I made a trip to the renovated Arrowhead Stadium Saturday evening, and it poured, and the Chiefs lost to the flippin' Houston Texans. And that's fine with me because it means baseball season is almost over. I say that with a taste of expectations on the tongue, not for my 2009 football team, but for those I once had for this Royals campaign. In sum, great start, which was really great because the Royals typically play awful baseball in April. But, in early May, they were still in first place in the A.L. Central, and then everything went to complete shit. Portions of the best rotation this club had seen in 15 years ailed and crumbled. The usual injury bug bit off its fair share, and then Dayton Moore, the General Manager who was supposed to be taking KC ball back to the post-season, started making bizarre moves, today's Alex Gordon demotion merely the most recent.

There're two aspects to the move: 1) The Royals need 21 days of Gordon-free service to buy themselves another year before he can become a free agent, and 2) the fact that The Professor is the guy coming up in is place. Regarding part one, the author of this fine blog said today on the SportsTalk Radios that the Royals were "Wal-Marting Gordon," or making a cheap, disgraceful move, that one might expect of a lowest-tier, pathetic ball club. He added that "baseball folks everywhere are laughing at the Royals." Ouch, and ouch. Now, Gordon's once Crown-Vision-high expectations have floated down to Dri-Duck-seat level, and frankly, I wouldn't know what to do with him at this point either. If Moore wants to buy some time, a la his move with Luke Hochevar a few months ago, I'm all for it. It basically implies that the tools for success, the need to "believe in the process," as he frequently says, are all down in the minors, and likely not even Triple-A Omaha. The second part is just simply the fact that the exchange was Gordon for Farnsworth, which is just a damn embarassing headline.

I digressed before I even began. The purpose of the HiV LOB -- Hits vs Left On Base -- was meant to explore how these Royals, back when the expectations were high, could move from wildcard status to legitimate division contender in, say, late August and September of this year. That is, I envisioned stranding fewer base runners to be the key to getting those few missed-out-on wins that would become crucial to the post-season push. A 46-72 record, however, means that stranding base runners doesn't matter; there's a much larger piece missing to this pie of success. We will continue, nonetheless, to, at minimum, post the numbers of the feature, and likely never take on such a grueling, meaningless project, ever again.

Early, Middle, and Late July

7/6 @ DET: 3-4 (W); nine hits, seven left aboard
7/7 @ DET: 5-8 (L); 10 hits, six stranded
7/8 @ DET: 5-8 (L); 10 hits, eight left on
7/9 @ BOS: 8-6 (W); 13 hits, seven unscored
7/10 @ BOS: 0-1 (L); four hits, five stranded
7/11 @ BOS: 9-15 (L); 13 hits, nine left on
7/12 @ BOS: 0-6 (L); three hits, three left
7/17 vs TAM: 8-7 (L); 13 hits, seven stranded
7/18 vs TAM: 4-2 (L); five hits, seven left aboard
7/19 vs TAM: 4-3 (L); 11 hits, 13 left hangin'
7/21 vs LAA: 8-5 (L); nine hits, eight unscored
7/21 vs LAA: 2-10 (L); six hits, seven stranded
7/22 vs LAA: 9-6 (L); 11 hits, seven stranded
7/24 vs TEX: 2-0 (L); five hits, six left on
7/25 vs TEX: 3-6 (W); 11 hits, eight stranded
7/26 vs TEX: 7-2 (L); four hits, six left on
7/27 @ BAL: 5-3 (W); 14 hits, 12 abandoned
7/28 @ BAL: 4-3 (W); 10 hits, seven left on base
7/29 @ BAL: 3-7 (L); nine hits, five stranded
7/30 @ TAM: 3-7 (L); 10 hits, nine unscored
7/31 @ TAM: 0-2 (L); five hits, six left on

Totals for this period: 198 hits, 86 runs scored, 153 runners stranded, which means nothing, since we've not looked at groups this large so far this season.

Early-Mid August

8/1 @ TAM: 1-7 (L); five hits, three stranded
8/2 @ TAM: 4-1 (W); five hits, five left
8/3 @ TAM: 4-10 (L); 10 hits, seven unscored
8/4 vs SEA: 7-6 (L); 11 hits, nine abandoned
8/5 vs SEA: 11-6 (L); 12 hits, 11 runners left
8/6 vs SEA: 2-8 (W); nine hits, four left
8/7 vs OAK: 9-4 (L); 14 hits, 12 stranded
8/8 vs OAK: 5-12 (W); 17 hits, seven left on
8/9 vs OAK: 6-3 (L); nine hits, six abandoned
8/11 @ MIN: 14-6 (W); 18 hits, 11 left on base
8/12 @ MIN: 1-7 (L); four hits, four left
8/13 @ MIN: 5-4 (W); eight hits, five stranded
8/14 @ DET: 0-1 (L); three hits, four abandoned
8/15 @ DET: 3-10 (L); nine hits, six left aboard
8/16 @ DET: 3-2 (W); five hits, eight forgotten
8/17 @ CWS: 7-8 (L); 10 hits, five stranded

Totals for this period: 121 hits, 81 runs scored, 107 runners left on base, which also means nothing as far as this chunk of a month.

On the season, however, are numbers look like this: 998 hits, 500 runs scored, and 930 runners left on base. (Editor's Note: Major League Baseball disagrees with these numbers; they show 1,017 hits for and 477 runs scored by the Royals, which shows two things: 1) I'm terrible at math, but that's nothing new. 2) The point of this season-long examination is slightly worse than I had miscalculated. That is, the official stats show that KC has more hits than I'd tallied, as well as fewer runs scored than my abacus revealed. And in case that doesn't spell it out for you: The Royals score even fewer of their base runners than my numbers intended to accidentally lie about.)

Truth of the matter, however, is that Kansas City is, through last night's game, seven runs ahead of Oakland for plating the fewest in the American League. Their hit total leaves them in dead last, four fewer than second-to-last-place Detroit (?). Then there are walks. I show them with 327 BBs; MLB says 326. Tomato, toe-mah-tow. Guess where that lands them: nine more than last-place Seattle.

There's really nothing more to say about the team or the numbers. I'm just excited to be nearing the home stretch of this torturous feature. Good day.

(Update: Rany Jazayerli, arguably Moore's biggest critic, has weighed in on the Gordon move. And he likes it.)
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Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Tuesday Tidbits: Royal Reflection

As a sports fan, there are two things that come to mind regarding loyalty to a team. One came from a Mexican line cook I used to manage, who said this: "You can change your religion, your sex, your wife, or your family, but you can never, ever, change your team." The other is a conversation that Old No. 7 and I had a couple of years ago. It had something to do with Bill Simmons and some other guy having a conversation regarding the legitimacy of geographic ties to one's sports teams. It's a fascinating concept, and if I had the wherewithall, I'd dig up something to support it, but I don't.

Mostly because it's All-Star Tuesday, and the Kansas City Royals have a guy that actually earned a spot on the roster in Zack Greinke. He's the first to do so since Jermaine Dye in 2000. Since then, it's been Mike Sweeney and Mark Redman, and whoever else was plugged in to give the boys in blue someone at the game, and everyone else something to whine about. Whatever. I like the system the way it is, but of course earning a spot is much, much cooler. Unless, that is, said earning is all for naught, all a wash of what might just be a really, really bad baseball team.

The wife and I were out to dinner last night with her folks celebrating her dad's birthday. I can't remember exactly how, but the notion of hustle in baseball and Pete Rose came up, and my father-in-law told me about a game he attended during the 1980 World Series. He was a few rows back, first base side, when a Royal popped up in foul territory. The Philadelphia catcher called the play and the ball hit the heel of his mitt, and popped out. Luckily for him and the team, Pete Rose was right there, just in case. And you know what? Pete Rose caught that ball and registered that out. Just like a good, sound baseball player would do on any play in any game, World Series or not.

Nineteen eighty was a pretty important year in my sports life. One of the most important to date. It was the first year I remember watching professional football, the first year I watched a Super Bowl, and the Kansas City Royals went to the World Series. I don't remember any of the American League Championship games of the late 70s where the Royals fell to the Yankees in three consecutive years, but I remember 1980. I didn't know that George Brett had come ridiculously close to hitting .400, and I didn't know that Willie Wilson won a gold glove and led the league in triples, runs scored, hits, singles, plate appearances, and nearly stolen bases. I didn't know that cocaine was showering portions of the Royals roster at the time, but I did know that George's brother Ken was on the roster. I did know that they had an alarmingly chubby first baseman, I did know that they had a shortstop that would frequently take the field with a toothpick in his mouth. I did know who Larry Gura was, and everything Dan Quisenberry fascinated the shorts off of me. I also knew what the World Series was.

I'd already been given my Amos Otis jersey tee, and headed into the post-season, my 1980 Western Division Champs shirt. I'd been to Royals Stadium with my dad, I'd heard the tales of woe regarding those series with New York. I grasped the concept of how big the series was. I wouldn't be able to cherish it, however, until five years later. Game six, Denkinger call and all, was electric. People drove around the city honking like mad for hours. For game seven, we'd acquired a St. Louis Cardinals 1985 World Series Champions baseball cap. There were seven of us in the room, and we agreed, before the first pitch, to stomp on that cap for every Royal run scored. Even stomp number 77 felt good.

In the grand scheme of things, 1980 was important because the Royals had gotten over the hump. They'd made the big stage. We were still a few years away from winning it, and now, 29 years later, I've been at the World Series Champion parade. I've experienced two Kansas Jayhawk basketball championships, and I've felt nearly every emotion in the book when it comes to Chiefs football. Nearly.

I also moved away from Kansas City for seven years, a (mostly) pre-Internet era where I followed my Chiefs and my Jayhawks as closely as one could from a distance, but after high school, baseball and I drifted far from one another. When I returned, I was happy to renew my relationship with the team as a fan. It didn't really occur to me immediately just how bad the Royals had been in my absence (1993-2000), but I quickly learned. And I quickly grew to hate these new (to me) owners of the franchise that were clearly to blame -- along with the league and its lack of salary cap -- for the team's woes. I quickly grew to hate Tony Muser, and, I quickly fell in love with Carlos Beltran. And 2003 made things great again. Tony Pena was in as manager, and the Royals looked like they could contend. They fizzled in August and September, but they finished above .500 for the first time in a decade. Nosotros Creemos (we believe) and Juntos Podemos (together we can) were the mottos of Pena's clubs.

Pena was quickly gone, and the return to losing came back fast. For what feels like an eternity, there was only one thing to cling to: Mike Sweeney. Why? Well, because he seemed like an awesome dude. From 1999-2005, Sweeney hit .300 or better five times. The two seasons he didn't (.293 in '03 and .287 in '04) were still respectable. And he was it. There was nothing else. Pitching was atrocious. A joke. An actual, legitimate league laughing stock. Everyone else, both at the plate and in the field, was, as the saying goes, a minor-league player. In hindsight, it makes sense that Sweeney was hurt as often as he was; it was symbolic of a franchise that was hurting.

That's why, when Allard Baird was fired and Dayton Moore was hired, I felt rejuvenated, like a return to some barely remembered form of glory had been instilled in Kansas City baseball. We're three years from that point now, and I'm not sure what to feel. I almost feel more lost than I did when my fandom clung to the likes of Mike Sweeney.

A lot of this has to do with the fact that I watch more Royals baseball than I ever have in my life. They've played 78 games to date and I've probably seen or listened to significant portions of 60 of them. When you do that, every error, every loss, and every reminder of what good baseball teams look like hurt even more. The other aspect to that is that we, as baseball fans, have the luxury of reading blogs like Joe Posnanski's and Rany Jazayerli's. I've mentioned/linked to their work with some consistency lately because they are, in my mind, experts. They're the kind of expert I admire and don't want to be at the same time, but they're incredibly important. I'm not interested in crunching numbers like VORP and BABIP, etc., but I'm glad that they do. It gives perspective.

As a bigger-than-casual, lesser-than-expert fan, I can figure out for myself that the Royals are two games worse this year than they were last year at the All-Star break. I can also figure out that they are still not in last place in the A.L. Central. Further, I can recognize that being 14 games under .500 and 11 and-a-half out of first is not the end of the world; there's still at least another quarter season until that moment arrives. Adding to that, I am capable of seeing the divisional picture that says that the Central is really not that good this year. Detroit is playing great baseball. That's it. I can also acknowledge that injuries to Coco Crisp, Mike Aviles, Joakim Soria, Alex Gordon, and John Buck are significant to this team, even if, in the big MLB picture, those players aren't the proverbial cream of the crop. For Moore's plan to slowly build the team to a winner, they are important. Finally, I am also aware that not hitting for scarcely any power whatsoever is probably not what the front office had in mind when they planned for 2009.

When news of the Yuniesky Betancourt deal hit the news waves, on Friday, however, the move was so completely slandered by anyone and everybody in baseball, that I became afraid for that rejuvenation I felt three years ago. And now, having had the time to read what both Posnanski (here and here) and Jazayerli (here) have written about the deal, I have been left naked in the cold storm, trying to understand what my relationship to this team is really about.

Last week, in this post, the main thing I felt was summed up in Jazayerli's line that said "The ultimate goal of this blog is for the Royals to win." It was a Eureka! moment, if you will. This morning, however, having read his take on the Betancourt trade, I am completely lost on what to make of things. I strongly encourage you to read the entire post if you haven't yet, but in case you're not interested, the nuts and bolts, to me, begin and end with his defintion of signature significance:

"(T)he notion that sometimes things can happen in a small sample size that are so extraordinary that you learn a lot about the quality of a player from that small sample. The example I use a lot is the pitcher with the 15-strikeout game; it’s just one game, and the pitcher might not even win the game, but the performance is so extraordinary that it’s almost impossible that a mediocre pitcher could duplicate it.

The Betancourt trade reaches the level of signature significance in my eyes, but in reverse. It’s just one trade, and if Cortes doesn’t pan out it’s possible that the only thing this trade will cost the Royals is some money and some opportunity. But this trade is so utterly indefensible, and the thought process that led to this trade is so utterly diseased, that I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that this one trade is prima facie evidence that Dayton Moore can not be a successful GM."


There are about a dozen things from that post that I could discuss, like the immaculate speechlessness I felt for what felt like five years after the Neifi Perez for Jermaine Dye trade. That trade made me feel like Job from the bible, wherein years of servitude and dedication as a fan are tested and tortured for the sole purpose of seeing if your faith is strong. Luckily, that test was only 194 games long. What came next, however, was a test of faith that no biblical figure ever withstood: Angel Berroa. For 629 games, Berroa caused my entrails to rot, my teeth to grit, and my road rage to flourish. This, of course, is unfair, because in 2003 (158 games) he was the A.L. Rookie of the Year, but for what literally felt like 10 years, this guy would swing at pitches -- pitches that occasionally resembled intentional-walk-type pitches -- at-bat after at-bat after at-bat.

And finally, he was gone. Sure, he played 84 games for the Dodgers in 2008 and has logged 24 for the Yankees this year. I don't care one iota. I don't care if he wins 12 championships, nine gold gloves and goes directly to Cooperstown without passing Go. He is off my team, and I am happy. Sort of.

See, Jazayerli is saying that the Betancourt trade is eons worse than anything a human could utter with Perez and Berroa in the same sentence, the same prepositional phrase even. And that, is a pill so bitter, that I'd have trouble swallowing it if there was a million dollars attached to it. Honestly.

So, what then, do we make of this trade? Well, Aviles won't even be recovered in time for the start of 2010. His career as a Royal may be done. I hate Tony Pena, Jr.'s bat just like everyone else, but I don't hate Tony Pena, Jr. with the same venom I loathed Perez and wanted to actually murder front-office folk for keeping Berroa around as long as they did. And this Luis Hernandez kid? He was nothing shy of awful. As Posnanski points out, there is no one in the entire system capable of playing shortstop. Old No. 7 asked me last night about Mike Moustakas. I don't know what the plan with the dude is. Honest.

I do know this: You could not possibly continue for the rest of 2009 without decent shortstop. Frankly, I'm with Jazayerli when he says to let Willie Bloomquist play the rest of the year at short. There's no mistaking that he's, to this point, the 2009 MVP of the club. Play him at short, keep DeJesus/Maier/Guillen as your outfield crew -- unless you put Teahen back in right when Gordon comes back, which you don't because Guillen can't play left -- and chalk 2009 up as another season spent while trying to develop the farm system. You don't want to ruin young talent by forcing them up sooner than they are ready, which was, in my opinion, one of the many flaws of the Baird system.

Ultimately, I take what Jazayerli says pretty seriously. Am I ready to say that this trade means that Moore won't cut it as a General Manager? No. I'm not. Not yet. I am, however, extremely worried that Moore continues to do something that the Kansas City Chiefs regime under Carl Peterson did for two decades, and that's moves of the the good-ol'-boy variety. By that, I mean, you do business (and often times most of it) with dudes you know for dudes you know, or in some form similar to that. I don't know who Moore knows in Seattle, but he's now gotten Gil Meche, Jose Guillen, Willie Bloomquist, and Yuniesky Betancourt from that team. He's also paid them -- the players -- a lot of money. His dealings with Atlanta are similar, and you could argue that the deal for Jacobs with Florida falls in the same category because they're National League and right up the street.

So at this point, my faith is being tested again. The faith that Moore is doing something beyond the line of sight, something in the farm system to make this team better in a few years. The critics, the writers that I respect, don't see it. I'm hoping that they're wrong, because I'd just swapped my losers-for-life wardrobe for something new, fresh, and flashy, something with The New K embroidered all over it. Suddenly, I'm afraid that the whole lot has mothballs.
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Saturday, May 2, 2009

Saturday Studmuffins: Minnesota Twins Catcher Joe Mauer



Ugh. I enjoy this feature, because it's quick and easy. I do not, however, enjoy giving props to people that wreck my teams.

Someone asked the other day who I would say was the Royals' arch-enemy? The Yankees? The White Sox? Those are decent guesses, but the real answer is Minnesota. For reasons I cannot explain, the Twins always have an edge on the Royals, and frankly, it's starting to get real God-damn old.

What's more, is that there are specific Twins that nearly single-handedly kill the Royals almost every time they play. Joe Mauer is at the top of that list.

Joe Mauer hadn't played a single game yet this season until last night. What does he do in his debut? Nothing. Nothing, that is, in the form of two hits (a double and a homer) an RBI, a walk and score three times en route to a 7-5 win for the Twinkies.

Please. At your earliest convenience, help yourself to a dose of Swine Flu, Joe Mauer.
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Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Tradition Tuesday: Mah Tayk on the Skay-jull

If you're new to these parts, pilgrim, the rough focus of this blog pits the Kansas City Chiefs against the Denver Broncos, the eternal co-stars in an "Over the Top" sequel. Yeah, it's that bad.

Don't forget though, that there's more than just the ridiculous storyline and the terrible acting. There's cheap cans of beer that turn The Iron Triangle's guts into nuclear weapons. There're wives armed with cameras, party-kegs full of heckling, and almost always a loss for the visitors. The Tradition, as we so originally dubbed it, is now in its ninth year, and this feature is our weekly attempt to stretch those two weeks into 52.


Last week, Cecil dropped his annual Denver Broncos schedule/prediction post, which is significant in that he's typically pretty right on with his picks. And now it's my turn to deliver a Chiefs slant, and the only significance noteworthy of that is that I typically wind up on the opposite side of the Cecil Spectrum, more simply noted as highly inaccurate.

For example, two years ago, I picked the Chiefs to go 10-6 when the schedule was released. When, after seven weeks of playing, they sat at 4-3, I was feeling pretty good about things. Little did I know, however, that under the tutelage of one Herman A. Edwards, they would begin a nine-game losing streak, and in fact carry that over into the 2008 season. When they wound up at 4-12, I was, as they say, a bit off the mark, not to mention furious at such a pathetic campaign. If, on the day that season ended, you would've told me that things were only going to get worse, I would've a) laughed, and b) punched you straight in your junkticles, and c) not necessarily in that order. When last year's schedule was announced, I called 6-10, certain that strides were being made in the right direction, though in hindsight, I cannot recall upon which anthill I planted that seed of conviction. As we all painfully remember, the two-game difference in the win columns between 2007 and 2008 were not, in fact on the slope of improvement, bringing my erroneous prediction history inside this very House of Georges to a splendid to an accuracy median of five games off of the actual.

I, nonetheless, am back, for another go at this inexact science, and the calculations look a bit like this:

at Baltimore, 9/13: The thought of kicking off the season on the road against a playoff team is largely less than desirable. In fact, it outright blows, especially considering that said team was one win away from a Super Bowl appearance. Even though this club is known for sound defense, and they surprised everyone with their success last year, and had the fourth-best rushing totals on the season, I don't see them being as tough this go-round. I imagine some of the rookie-coach/rookie-quarterback (Editor's Note: Bert) accolades taper off in the sophomore run. It won't, unfortunately, taper off enough for a season-opening loss at home to the rebuilding (Note: again) Chiefs.

Chiefs 10, Ravens 20; 0-1

vs. Oakland, 9/20: I'm not interested in hearing about plausible improvements at the Coliseum. The Raiders, their owner, their now-non-interim head coach, their overrated roster, and their retard fan base can all die a slow Chinese-Water-Torture death. Chiefs break even.

Raiders 16, Chiefs 24; 1-1


at Philadelphia, 9/27: Here begins one thing I don't understand about the schedule, and it doesn't ultimately matter, but I find it bizarre that K.C. gets all four NFC East teams in a row. In a word: lame. I've always felt that the Eagles were a bit overrated in that they maintain a few key guys on the roster, and try to fill gaps with free agents. I sense this season to be the beginning of the end for both Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb in the Brotherly Love zip code, especially when they drop a week-three contest against the massive-underdog Chief squad.

Chiefs 19, Eagles 13; 2-1


vs. New York Giants, 10/04: The crew manned by Mo' Like She-li and the tomato-faced dictator are much more put together than anyone else in the East. They make easy work of Kansas City, running and throwing at will, and shutting them down defensively.

Giants 27, Chiefs 3; 2-2

vs. Dallas, 10/11: Darn tootin' if this ain't a feel-good match for the two old squads from Dallas. Legend has it that the ol' Cowboys owner would never give Lamar Hunt a shot at beating the other Dallas team back in the day. This contest could very well be the eye-opener for Jerry Jones that Wade Phillips is not good, and Roy Williams is not Terrell Owens. The former Texans get one for the late gipper.

Dallas 10, Chiefs 21; 3-2

at Washington, 10/18: I thought the Redskins would be a Cinderella story last year. Instead they kind of wound up sucking in comparison to the rest of their division. I doubt their free-agency acquisitions and their decent draft picks this weekend will help them to win this contest in October.

Chiefs 17, Redskins 16; 4-2

vs. San Diego, 10/25: Next come the Bolts to Arrowhead, and all of the experts and gurus think that this is the only real, playoff-ready team in the AFC West. As close/ridiculous as the two Chiefs-Chargers affairs were last year, they're probably right.

Chargers 24, Chiefs 14; 4-3

at Jacksonville, 11/08: This might be the toughest pick on the slate. Jack del Rio's team seems to balance out every strong season with a mediocre one that follows. Last year's efforts netted them five wins, ranking it under that less-than-savory umbrella, so I imagine they'll be tough this year.

Chiefs 16, Jaguars 31; 4-4

at Oakland, 11/15: Hey, look. It's the Raiders again. Beat it, losers.

Chiefs 27, Raiders 13; 5-4

vs. Pittsburgh, 11/22: Back home to host the defending Super Bowl champions. I think we all know how that shapes up. No, not just because they're the champs, but because a) Mike Tomlin is the best bloach in the biz, and because the last time these two clubs met, the Chiefs were too busy drinking cosmos and buying sex toys.

Steerels an' Hines Wald, 30, Chiefs 13; 5-5

at San Diego, 11/29: Even when San Diego was tough, the Chiefs have had decent success at Qualcomm. I gotta believe the Chargers put up more than eight wins for the division this season. This game's one of 'em.

Chiefs 11, Chargers 37; 5-6

vs. Denver, 12/06: Denver comes to Arrowhead in December. Jackpot. Count it.

Broncos 17, Chiefs 24; 6-6

vs. Buffalo, 12/13: Ooo. The Bills drubbed the Chiefs last year. Smoked 'em. Made villages of the defense, then raped and pillaged it. This is one of those hard-to-figure out matches that never seems to go K.C.'s way. Two thousand nine's no exception.

Bills 26, Chiefs 19; 6-7

at Cleveland, 12/20: Eric Mangini had success in his first year in New York, and I reckon Brady Quinn will be much discussed this season, as he'll have some shitty games, and some good games. This one falls under not shitty.

Chiefs 16, Browns 28; 6-8

at Cincinnati, 12/27: How we draw the Bengals yet again is really flipping amazing. Granted, we didn't square off with Cincy in 2004, but to face them -- a non-division foe -- in '03, '05, '06, '07, '08, and again in '09 for five of the last six seasons has got to have some oddsmakers somewhere scratching their head. But you know what? The Bengals are a sorry-ass franchise. They ain't gettin' better any time soon.

Chiefs 38, Bengals 18; 7-8

at Denver, 01/03: All in all, you can eliminate the rosters in this match. Shanahan is gone, and the last time these two clubs played in January, let alone for three times in a calendar year (Note: This, of course, is assuming that they won't play each other in the regular season in January, 2010.), the home team lost. This is the best revenge cocktail I've tasted in a literal decade, except it's not really revenge until, well, we win consecutive championships, build a new stadium, and beat the Broncos in the first eight years of its existence. Either way, road team/good guys come out ahead in a slugfest where the Iron Triangle has warm boots, candy-cane-coffee Schnapp's, plenty of hot sake, and all in all, rotten seasons.

Chiefs 12, Broncos 10; 8-8

While a .500 mark won this once-proud division a year ago, ain't happenin' this time. Hurry up, draft. Hurry up, and get here.
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Saturday, March 14, 2009

Saturday Studmuffins: Detroit Red Wings Pavel Datsyuk



I get down to St. Louis about once a year for a Blues game. Today was my first contest so far this season, my first ever in which hated division rival Detroit Red Wings were the opponent. I've actually never seen Detroit play live, and as much as it pains every fiber in my soul to say so, it was an impressive feat to watch them skate, pass, set up in the zone, and ultimately dominate the St. Pat's weekend vibe happening inside the Scottrade Center -- even in the cheap seats -- and around the city.

The Blues are still in last place in the Central Division, but things are so skewed in the conference right now, that they were a mere two points away from squeezing into the eight spot before today's puck was dropped. Though most of the first period was scoreless, the Blues lit the lamp first late in the frame, an incredible behind-the-net pass from Andy McDonald to T.J. Oshie, allowing them to take the first intermission with the lead. It was only four minutes and change into the second, however, when Pavel Datsyuk netted the equalizer, the first of three Detroit goals in a span of 46 seconds. In fact, goals one and two were only 10 seconds apart, not even sufficient time for the PA announcer to share the details.

The Blues would get another tally several minutes later, but that effort would quickly be undone by another Datsyuk goal, their final score before a Henrik Zetterberg empty-netter in the third. The goals for Datsyuk were 30 and 31 on the season, which, including his 66 assists gives him a team-leading 97 points halfway through March. The Blues, though their roster has changed significantly, appear to be the same team they were last year and the season before, one with a ton of defensive breakdowns and the inability to gain the offensive zone. If they make the post-season, it will be quite the feat, one I doubt that the club I watched today is capapble of pulling off, especially in any circumstance when they face clubs with proven production machines



like today's HoG Saturday Studmuffin.
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Thursday, January 22, 2009

Thursday ThumbTubes & YouNails (now with even worser PhotoShop!): 1-22-09

Well, it's been quite a long day, and though I really didn't work hard at all, it still seems as though the weekend is weeks away. Lucky for all of us sports fans that there's nothing to talk about with regard to the Kansas City Chiefs and the Denver Broncos, and thank the heavens there's an entire week of no football. That's just grand. I suppose I'll be spending my Saturday and Sunday doing household chores and attending functions I was signed up for without my consent. Thanks a million, NFL. At least I still have my man cave to lurk in. You can't take that away from me, you communist league higher-ups.

I don't know about you, but I'm glad that Mike Tyson is still, in some sense, around. And candidly honest. And, um, awkward...



(courtesy of Awful Announcing)

Apparently Playboy is holding its Sexiest Sportscaster contest, and it's down to the final five. Shockingly, the hype is that Erin Andrews is still in the mix, but my vote goes to Molly Sullivan.



If you're so inclined, you can cast a vote here. If you're one of those guys that pitches a tent at the mere mentioning of Miss Andrews, you might want to know about Mr. SEC, who yesterday created a 750-page picture gallery of the famous sideliner. The link is here, but wait a minute before going there, as they're trying to figure out how to get it back up without all of the visits crashing their server. Kinda sounds like an average day around here.

I was rollin' around in the Dot last week, and a co-worker told me this book



was pretty funny, that he really enjoyed reading it. I've never read much R&R, but I understand he's taken a stance against the blogosphere in the past. And now ESPN has given Rick Reilly a blog. So far, it appears to contain nothing but short blips that are apparently funny to someone. Funny to no one, however, is the inclusion of the feature he's titled the Ricktionary. His first entry comes in the form of the suggestion that we get rid of the word "enjoy." So, go check out "Go Fish" and please, do not relish the time you spend there.

In an intriguing match of interests, Galactic Binder has put together a Top Ten list of Star Wars and sports crossovers. My favorite is number two:



Quickly now, from a positive note to a, er...not not negative one: Michael Irvin on radio was not enough.



Michael Irvin went to television. Michael Irvin sucked on television. Michael Irvin got busted with some non-his paraphernelia in his car. Michael Irvin got removed from television. Now Michael Irvin will have a reality TV show. I am begging you: Shoot me. Shoot me right in the face. Shoot me now.

Nate Davis of USA Today has put together a list of some of the greatest NFL athletes never to take a Super Bowl field.



Pretty unfortunate for a lot of those guys. Pretty good read for the rest of us. But back to uplifting...



(courtesy of Sharapova's Thigh)

Now, we mentioned Brenda Warner in last week's installment, and, while I don't think she'll be starring in or attending the Lingerie Bowl,



which may or may not feature -- but really, who cares? -- such talent as this:



Busted Coverage has an interesting look at her recent transformation.

And we'll go ahead and close it out with some Lingerie Bowl footage...



...'cause why the eff not?
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Sunday, December 21, 2008

Two Out Of Three Is Actually Really Bad

Well, that was another fun-filled day of football. And by fun-filled I mean reminiscent of the time I washed my asshole out with soap and liquid hot magma.

The Broncos lost to a pretty damn lousy Buffalo club, which makes four losses in the last five home games--the lone exception being The Tradition. Meanwhile, out amidst the methlabs and dead babies of Florida's Gulf Coast, San Diego went ahead and took Tampa to the woodshed. So in my three-legged grand prediction of collapse, two of the three necessary elements have fallen into alignment. All that is left to complete this epic tragedy is a simple loss to the Chargers in Southern California next Sunday.

At least CBS confirmed my worst fears--until this point, no team has held a three-game division lead with three weeks to play and then failed to make the playoffs. In the entire history of professional football. So this choke job could come with a little history, which is always nice.

I'm sure Banky has just rubbed his dick sore with excitement over these happenings, and he doesn't even remember what transpired at Arrowhead today (yet another blown lead in front of a crowd of hundreds). But no matter. Were the tables turned, I'd be giddy with anticipation myself. It's not often you get to see a team implode in a manner that no one has ever seen before.

I did like how, for the second consecutive week, Jay Cutler threw a dozen interceptions and the opposing team was only able to corral two of them.

Once the whisky wears off and I put down the revolver, I'm sure you'll receive more rational analysis of the AFC West. Hoo boy, I'll bet you can't wait.
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Monday, November 24, 2008

Monday Mystification: The Ugly, The Fugly, and the Chris Fuamatu-Ma'alafugly

When attempting to tackle a problem of this magnitude, the angle, the focus, the crux all slip in and out of visibility, like tailbacks in the seams of lines. Yesterday at Arrowhead Stadium, the Kansas City Chiefs had more points scored on them than in any other game in franchise history. There are more parcels of what's wrong with this team than there are gifts under a Mission Hills Christmas tree, but considering that this football club has been around for almost half a century, that simply has to be the beacon in this bog of murk. Both columnists from The Kansas City Star brought up a few good points in today's paper and we'll touch on those later. This drubbing, however, that occurred at the hands of the still-last-place Buffalo Bills yesterday, is a symbol of the gaspingly ugly Kansas City Chiefs of the Herman Edwards era.

To put what this team is or isn't doing into perspective, let's have a look at all 10 head coaches in Kansas City Chiefs history.

1) Hank Stram began as an assistant football coach at Purdue, then held the same positions with Notre Dame, SMU, and Miami. To begin his pro coaching career, he won three AFL championships, 87 contests, had six post-season appearances (with a 5-1 record), all of which will forever be AFL bests. In the NFL, he had two Super Bowl appearances, won one of them, and posted a 131-97 regular-season, a 5-3 post-season, and a 136-100 overall record, netting a winning percentage of .576.

2) Paul Wiggin was his replacement. Prior to becoming the Chiefs second head coach, he was an assistant on the San Francisco 49ers staff. He went 11-24 in less than three years with KC, a .314 percentage of games won attached to his tenure.

3) Tom Bettis, as interim coach, went 1-6, a meager .143. In hindsight, neither were good replacements for Stram.

4) Marv Levy was assistant football coach at Coe College, head coach of the University of New Mexico, Cal, and William & Mary, before becoming the coach of the kicking team of the Philadelphia Eagles in 1969. The following year he was the special teams coach of the L.A. Rams, followed by a head coaching stint in the CFL, which lasted five seasons, and earned his team three Grey Cup appearances and two championships. His runs as head coach in Kansas City and Buffalo combined yielded a 112-70 regular-season, an 11-8 post-season, and a 143-112 overal record, for a winning percentage of .561 and four AFC championships.

5) John Mackovic was the offensive coordinator at San Jose State and at the University of Arizona, then assistant head coach at Purdue. Next he was the head coach at Wake Forest, then the assistant head coach for the Dallas Cowboys before a brief stand as head coach of the Chiefs. Since leaving the NFL, he has returned to coaching in college, where he has a 94-78-3 overall record. His pro record, however was 30-34, a winning percentage of .469.

6) Frank Gansz replaced him and went 8-22-1 in two campaigns with the Chiefs. He had previously been the Chiefs special teams coach. His record produced a .258 winning percentage.

7) Marty Schottenheimer came next. He was a linebackers coach with the Giants and later defensive coordinator. With the Lions, he was also a linebackers coach before becoming the defensive coordinator for the Cleveland Browns. In 1984, he became their head coach, and later coached Kansas City, Washington, and San Diego. His regular-season record is 200-126-1, while going 5-13 in the post-season, making his total 205-139-1, garnering him a .594.

8) Gunther Cunningham replaced him. Prior to his promotion, he was an assistant coach with the Raiders and the Chiefs' defensive coordinator. In two seasons as head coach, he went 16-16 for a .500.

9) Next came Dick Vermeil. He was head coach at Stanford, special teams coach with the L.A. Rams in '69 (replaced of course by Levy) for one season, as he accepted an assistant-coach position with UCLA, but then went back to the Rams until '74. Then he went back to UCLA, where in two seasons, he went 15-5-3, won a conference championship, and a Rose Bowl. His next return to the pros was as head coach of the Eagles, then the St. Louis Rams, and finally the Chiefs. In total he went 126-114, boasting two Super Bowl appearances with two different teams, one of which he won. His winning percentage checks in at a cool .525.

10) Finally, Herm Edwards. Edwards was a defensive assistant at San Jose State, then a scout and defensive backs coach with the Chiefs. Next came another defensive backs/assistant head coach job with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Despite never having previously held a head coach or a coordinator position, the New York Jets hired him in 2001. As head coach of the Jets and Chiefs combined, he has gone 53-70, and 2-4 in the post-season, and 55-74 overall, which earns him a .426.

Now, let's look at those winning percentages from best to worst:

1) Marty Schottenheimer: .594
2) Hank Stram: .576
3) Marv Levy: .561
4) Dick Vermeil: .525
5) Gunther Cunningham: .500
6) John Mackovic: .469
7) Herm Edwards: .426
8) Paul Wiggin: .314
9) Frank Gansz: .258
10) Tom Bettis: .143

Of course each tenure is unique. Some have had greater successes than others; some have been short-lived. But, if we take this set of hard numbers, we ascertain that Herman Edwards doesn't even make it in to the top two-thirds of the winningest head coaches in Chiefs history; he is only better than the the three coaches who were in office on a short-term basis. Wiggin was not given three full seasons. Gansz served one full season and one strike-shortened season and saw his tenure come to an end with the end of Jack Steadman's run as general manager/president of the organization. Tom Bettis was not even given half a season. The man on the list above Edwards never went on to coach in the pros again, but managed to put together a better percentage than Edwards, and a .546 as a collegiate head coach. As it stands today, Gunther Cunningham won more football games as Chiefs head coach in two seasons, than Edwards has in three.

Now, there are various positions of the football team to analyze, but in strictly playing-to-win-the-game discussions, Edwards lands at spot seven of 10 in the books, a spot that clearly lends itself to not winning the game very often.
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