Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Tradition Tuesday: Schedule Time

The rough focus of thisyere blog, as my dad might have said, is the rivalry between the Denver Broncos and the Kansas City Chefs, er, Chiefs. Every year, the principles behind this masterpiece of internet publishing--me and Ol' No. 7 comprising the contingent of Bronco rooters, the Administrator raising the foam finger for KC--matriculate to the stadium of the enemy for smoked meast, Pabst Light and a loss.

That's right. Nearly every time, our peregrinations reveal to us, Bronco and Chef fan alike, naught but a brief and terrifying gaze upon the face of tentacled, gaping maw of Suck. But we do it anyway because we have can-do attitudes.

Oh, and we also document the ebb and flow of the rivalry itself in a series of posts we like to call "Tradition Tuesday." This is one.

The release of the NFL schedule has become something of an event, which is silly--the NFL network and ESPN treat it like the found meaning of the Nazca Lines. (Which, if they were actually discovered, wouldn't cause anywhere near the same level of breathless OMGing.)

But it is, as they say, what it is. So let's take a look at the Broncos' 2009 slate following the hop. Chef fans--and you both know who you are, really--expect big surprises within.

Sept. 13, Broncos at Bengals.

Who knows what to expect, here? We have no idea what the '09 Broncs will look like, we have no idea if the Bengals will be improved over last season's terrible campaign (4-11-1) and we have no idea if this game will even be on television anywhere outside of Colorado or southern Ohio. It's the Bengals home opener, Carson Palmer is still an elite quarterback and that Bengal defense might make some strides this year.

But none of that matters because I'm a homer, so...

Broncos, 20-17. 1-0

Sept. 20, Browns at Broncos.

The previous caveat applies here, as well--who will be the starting QB for this team? Braylon Edwards might be gone, Kellen Winslow already is, and Eric Mangini has only just begun to alienate the locker room. There will be Mile High anxiety for this one, too, because we've been a terrible home team recently. The Mayor and his cohort will be grilling with trepidation, their measts and cheeses riddled with uncertainty. Yet I think (surprise!) that the home team takes it.

Broncos, 28-21. 2-0

Sept. 27, Broncos at Raiders.

Fuck this team, fuck Oakland--and I've spent some time there, so that comes from the heart--fuck their eternally deluded, smack-talking, borderline sociopathic fan group. There is nothing to see here, or to remember. The McDaniels era starts this eternal battle between...well, if not Good vs. Evil, at least OK vs. Suck, the right way.

Broncos, 34-17. 3-0

Oct. 4, Cowboys at Broncos.

And just like that, fffffttt. The air goes out of the season. The Cowboys may be a bunch of drama llamas, but they have an enormous, canned ham-devouring offensive line and plenty of talent on D. Bah.

Cowboys, 24-7. 3-1

Oct. 11, Patriots at Broncos.

I'm not even going to touch that part of this story. You know which. Not gonna. That story is stale, man, old bread. All that matters, for our purposes, is looking away in disgust.

Patriots, 31-3. 3-2

Oct. 19 (Monday), Broncos at Chargers.

Sigh. How, again, did the eternally second-rate-even-in-success Chargers load up with so much talent? Talent that, evidently, always trumps ours? Have I mentioned that I now despise the Chargers?

Chargers, 32-20. 3-3

Week 7 is the bye. Denver players will reflect in sober mind on their 3-3 record. Carry on.

Nov. 1, Denver at Baltimore.

Have I groaned, yet? If not, consider this a groan. While I imagine the game will be close--because, no matter what anyone tells you, Joe Flacco is not a good NFL quarterback yet--Baltimore takes it at home. I sit in the armchair with whiskey breath and talk to myself.

Ravens, 14-10. 3-4

Nov. 9 (Monday), Steelers at Broncos.

Wow. The Steelers have come here like three times in the last few years, and we've only been there once that I recall. Fu-uh-uck. That can only mean the pendulum will swing. Despite the Broncos' history of playing Pittsburgh well, despite playing at home, despite Ben Roethlisberger's physical resemblance to an enormous alcoholic baby, the home team loses. Bah, again.

Steelers, 26-14. 3-5

Nov. 15, Broncos at Redskins.

Flip side of Denver's Steelers experience, the Redskins always seem to play us really tough. I don't think it matters, here. Denver needs a win, Jason Campbell hasn't proved a thing and Clinton Portis is falling apart. We get a big defensive play--or something else similarly unexpected--and win, by a score of...

Broncos, 21-17. 4-5

Nov. 22, Chargers at Broncos.

Another game versus the powder blue team from L.A., I mean San Diego. (Enjoy it while you can, sunshiners.) Another loss. Another brain-melting, devastating loss.

Chargers, 45-14. 4-6

Nov. 26, Giants at Broncos.

Wow, a Thanksgiving game? I am of mixed mind. On the one, Thanksgiving game, that rules, whiskey in the morning and turkey in the afternoon. On the other, Thanksgiving game. Whiskey in the morning. And a steaming, eviscerated, roadkilled turkey in the afternoon.

Giants, 20-3. 4-7

Dec. 6, Broncos at Chiefs.

Seeing as I'll be at this game, I'll forego any score prediction and simply say that I hope for a lovely weekend with my friends, some excellent barbecue, laffs, beer-can baseball in the backyard and oh god can't help it A BIG ASS DENVER VICTORY THAT WILL LEAVE KANSAS CITY CRYING IN THEIR BOULEVARD PALES FOR WEEKS. Whew.

Broncos, 37-10. 5-7

Dec. 13, Broncos at Colts.

This schedule fucking blows.

Colts, 33-17. 5-8

Dec. 20, Raiders at Broncos.

I've made my feelings for Oakland clear. There's no way, despite the Raiders' young offensive talent, that we lose to them twice when we suck so badly elsewhere. For God's sake, we have to have something to cling to.

Broncos, 23-13. 6-8

Dec. 27, Broncos at Eagles.

I love that we get to play the NFC East in a time where they are fantastic and we are simply terrible. With or without Brian Dawkins, the Eagles beat us up on the road. Let's just end this thing and get on with the Draft, already.

Eagles, 27-13. 6-9

Jan. 3, Chiefs at Broncos.

I'm not gonna lie--I hope this game is the cherry on top of a huge sundae of New Year's debauchery, stuff that, in a perfect world, the Administrator and his lovely (and tolerant) wife would be part of. That's my dream. final score be damned. But I have to give it anyway, so, as a late Christmas gift to a man who has never seen his team steal a win at Invesco...

Chiefs, 30-27. 6-10