Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Tradition Tuesday: Mah Tayk on the Skay-jull

If you're new to these parts, pilgrim, the rough focus of this blog pits the Kansas City Chiefs against the Denver Broncos, the eternal co-stars in an "Over the Top" sequel. Yeah, it's that bad.

Don't forget though, that there's more than just the ridiculous storyline and the terrible acting. There's cheap cans of beer that turn The Iron Triangle's guts into nuclear weapons. There're wives armed with cameras, party-kegs full of heckling, and almost always a loss for the visitors. The Tradition, as we so originally dubbed it, is now in its ninth year, and this feature is our weekly attempt to stretch those two weeks into 52.

Last week, Cecil dropped his annual Denver Broncos schedule/prediction post, which is significant in that he's typically pretty right on with his picks. And now it's my turn to deliver a Chiefs slant, and the only significance noteworthy of that is that I typically wind up on the opposite side of the Cecil Spectrum, more simply noted as highly inaccurate.

For example, two years ago, I picked the Chiefs to go 10-6 when the schedule was released. When, after seven weeks of playing, they sat at 4-3, I was feeling pretty good about things. Little did I know, however, that under the tutelage of one Herman A. Edwards, they would begin a nine-game losing streak, and in fact carry that over into the 2008 season. When they wound up at 4-12, I was, as they say, a bit off the mark, not to mention furious at such a pathetic campaign. If, on the day that season ended, you would've told me that things were only going to get worse, I would've a) laughed, and b) punched you straight in your junkticles, and c) not necessarily in that order. When last year's schedule was announced, I called 6-10, certain that strides were being made in the right direction, though in hindsight, I cannot recall upon which anthill I planted that seed of conviction. As we all painfully remember, the two-game difference in the win columns between 2007 and 2008 were not, in fact on the slope of improvement, bringing my erroneous prediction history inside this very House of Georges to a splendid to an accuracy median of five games off of the actual.

I, nonetheless, am back, for another go at this inexact science, and the calculations look a bit like this:

at Baltimore, 9/13: The thought of kicking off the season on the road against a playoff team is largely less than desirable. In fact, it outright blows, especially considering that said team was one win away from a Super Bowl appearance. Even though this club is known for sound defense, and they surprised everyone with their success last year, and had the fourth-best rushing totals on the season, I don't see them being as tough this go-round. I imagine some of the rookie-coach/rookie-quarterback (Editor's Note: Bert) accolades taper off in the sophomore run. It won't, unfortunately, taper off enough for a season-opening loss at home to the rebuilding (Note: again) Chiefs.

Chiefs 10, Ravens 20; 0-1

vs. Oakland, 9/20: I'm not interested in hearing about plausible improvements at the Coliseum. The Raiders, their owner, their now-non-interim head coach, their overrated roster, and their retard fan base can all die a slow Chinese-Water-Torture death. Chiefs break even.

Raiders 16, Chiefs 24; 1-1

at Philadelphia, 9/27: Here begins one thing I don't understand about the schedule, and it doesn't ultimately matter, but I find it bizarre that K.C. gets all four NFC East teams in a row. In a word: lame. I've always felt that the Eagles were a bit overrated in that they maintain a few key guys on the roster, and try to fill gaps with free agents. I sense this season to be the beginning of the end for both Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb in the Brotherly Love zip code, especially when they drop a week-three contest against the massive-underdog Chief squad.

Chiefs 19, Eagles 13; 2-1

vs. New York Giants, 10/04: The crew manned by Mo' Like She-li and the tomato-faced dictator are much more put together than anyone else in the East. They make easy work of Kansas City, running and throwing at will, and shutting them down defensively.

Giants 27, Chiefs 3; 2-2

vs. Dallas, 10/11: Darn tootin' if this ain't a feel-good match for the two old squads from Dallas. Legend has it that the ol' Cowboys owner would never give Lamar Hunt a shot at beating the other Dallas team back in the day. This contest could very well be the eye-opener for Jerry Jones that Wade Phillips is not good, and Roy Williams is not Terrell Owens. The former Texans get one for the late gipper.

Dallas 10, Chiefs 21; 3-2

at Washington, 10/18: I thought the Redskins would be a Cinderella story last year. Instead they kind of wound up sucking in comparison to the rest of their division. I doubt their free-agency acquisitions and their decent draft picks this weekend will help them to win this contest in October.

Chiefs 17, Redskins 16; 4-2

vs. San Diego, 10/25: Next come the Bolts to Arrowhead, and all of the experts and gurus think that this is the only real, playoff-ready team in the AFC West. As close/ridiculous as the two Chiefs-Chargers affairs were last year, they're probably right.

Chargers 24, Chiefs 14; 4-3

at Jacksonville, 11/08: This might be the toughest pick on the slate. Jack del Rio's team seems to balance out every strong season with a mediocre one that follows. Last year's efforts netted them five wins, ranking it under that less-than-savory umbrella, so I imagine they'll be tough this year.

Chiefs 16, Jaguars 31; 4-4

at Oakland, 11/15: Hey, look. It's the Raiders again. Beat it, losers.

Chiefs 27, Raiders 13; 5-4

vs. Pittsburgh, 11/22: Back home to host the defending Super Bowl champions. I think we all know how that shapes up. No, not just because they're the champs, but because a) Mike Tomlin is the best bloach in the biz, and because the last time these two clubs met, the Chiefs were too busy drinking cosmos and buying sex toys.

Steerels an' Hines Wald, 30, Chiefs 13; 5-5

at San Diego, 11/29: Even when San Diego was tough, the Chiefs have had decent success at Qualcomm. I gotta believe the Chargers put up more than eight wins for the division this season. This game's one of 'em.

Chiefs 11, Chargers 37; 5-6

vs. Denver, 12/06: Denver comes to Arrowhead in December. Jackpot. Count it.

Broncos 17, Chiefs 24; 6-6

vs. Buffalo, 12/13: Ooo. The Bills drubbed the Chiefs last year. Smoked 'em. Made villages of the defense, then raped and pillaged it. This is one of those hard-to-figure out matches that never seems to go K.C.'s way. Two thousand nine's no exception.

Bills 26, Chiefs 19; 6-7

at Cleveland, 12/20: Eric Mangini had success in his first year in New York, and I reckon Brady Quinn will be much discussed this season, as he'll have some shitty games, and some good games. This one falls under not shitty.

Chiefs 16, Browns 28; 6-8

at Cincinnati, 12/27: How we draw the Bengals yet again is really flipping amazing. Granted, we didn't square off with Cincy in 2004, but to face them -- a non-division foe -- in '03, '05, '06, '07, '08, and again in '09 for five of the last six seasons has got to have some oddsmakers somewhere scratching their head. But you know what? The Bengals are a sorry-ass franchise. They ain't gettin' better any time soon.

Chiefs 38, Bengals 18; 7-8

at Denver, 01/03: All in all, you can eliminate the rosters in this match. Shanahan is gone, and the last time these two clubs played in January, let alone for three times in a calendar year (Note: This, of course, is assuming that they won't play each other in the regular season in January, 2010.), the home team lost. This is the best revenge cocktail I've tasted in a literal decade, except it's not really revenge until, well, we win consecutive championships, build a new stadium, and beat the Broncos in the first eight years of its existence. Either way, road team/good guys come out ahead in a slugfest where the Iron Triangle has warm boots, candy-cane-coffee Schnapp's, plenty of hot sake, and all in all, rotten seasons.

Chiefs 12, Broncos 10; 8-8

While a .500 mark won this once-proud division a year ago, ain't happenin' this time. Hurry up, draft. Hurry up, and get here.


Cecil said...

That tattoo is a huge FAIL. Although I can say from experience how much it hurt.

Cecil said...

Also, you're dreaming.

bankmeister said...

Some would, and in fact have, argued that 'tis you, Brute, who's dreaming with your visions of 6-10.

Cecil said...

How so? A six win season is what, too optimistic?

Whereas a two-win team going to .500...

bankmeister said...

In that we're going the route of the 2008 Dolphins; your club's heading the way of last year's, or the year before's, Chiefs.

Cecil said...

Right, yes.

Because we all know that the Chefs are a club with tons of talent--they've simply been mismanaged.

bankmeister said...

'Bout time you got your thinkin' cap on.