Sunday, April 5, 2009

Lineup Against the Wall: Fathers of Saint James?

Well, we're to the Padres, which means I'll soon be signing off on the ol' Lineup Against the Wall features, and not a moment too soon. Whoever came up with this idea is a complete pinhead. The Whale's Vagina Baseball Club almost lost 100 games last year, and I have every bit of confidence that they can top themselves in 2009. See how after the jump.

Their lineup looks a little like this:

1) CF Jody Gerut
2) 2B David Eckstein
3) RF Brian Giles
4) 1B Adrian Gonzalez
5) SS Luis Rodriguez
6) LF Chase Headley
7) 3B Kevin Kouzmanoff
8) C Nick Hundley

Man. These guys are awful. I don't know how you put together an actual lineup with this slow, seldom-hitting crew of degenerate baseball players. And look, they can't pitch either:

1) Jake Peavy
2) Chris Young
3) Walter Silva
4) Kevin Correia
5) Shawn Hill

Fine. They have Peavy. He won 10 games last year and earned 166 Ks. The next four dudes have a total of 11 wins among them from 2008. Their E.R.A. ain't great, and frankly, none of their other numbers are either. There's a common theme -- other than general suckiness -- among this entire pitching staff, though. From Peavy on down to closer Heath Bell, there's not a single lefty on the depth chart. And Bell's the closer because why? He got a ton of holds last year? Good. Lord.

If I were a Seattle Mariner, I'd be stoked that these guys were in the bigs, and if I were a Washington National, I'd be stoked that they play in the National League. Holy Cow. Look out new all-time record for losses.