Saturday Studmuffins: JoePos

I think this is only the second time we've tossed an SS up on the podium that's not an athlete, which, as a newspaper kind of guy, makes me wonder: Would the game be that entertaining if you couldn't read about it in the next morning's edition? Writers like Joe Posnanski make the answer to that question seem like a definite "no." And for the record, if you aren't familiar with this literal word machine who kicks out the language jams for The Kansas City Star, Sports Illustrated, in book form, and online, well, you should forget about it now, or move to Winnipeg and devote all of your waking hours to catching up on this guy's archives. Hell, I sometimes struggle (Editor's Note: Point in case?) to craft the opening graf to a post, but let's stay on the track, the brief track that you can catch after the jump.

Alright, look: If you're not checking in on Pos' blog on at least a weekly basis, you're doing yourself a disservice. Really, pretty much everything over there is fantastic, but if you have a short attention span and don't like clicking your mouse, here's a quick top five.

Number Five: My favorite JoeWord

The Gloaden Rule:
1. Use Ross Gload correctly, he will help your team win games.
2. Use Ross Gload incorrectly, he will get you fired.

Number Four: A Fascinating Quick Read on Carlos Beltran

Number Three: This isn't really from the site, but you can pre-order a copy of his latest book, The Machine (slated for an August release), here. The book, by the by, is about the 1975 Reds. Those guys weren't bad.

Number Two: This one's kind of a two-fer. Over on the SIs, Pos' and Bill James are toying with the idea of doing a weekly exchange. They gave it a whirl here, and their conversation is about Randy Johnson and 300-game winners. A must read. And if you like it, here's an awesome way of thinking about 300-game winners.

Number One: Anyone that posts a YouTube ciip that pokes fun of their own hometown to their blog is alright by me. I think I've seen this before, but I might've stumbled across it during a Grey Goose and meth bender. Hard to tell.



That's today's SS.
Read more

The Kansas City Royals HiV LOB, Sinister Week Six

When we checked in with the HiV LOB last week, things weren't looking good, and depending on your perspective of the half-glass of water, things could slightly improve, or get ugly quick. While week five wound up a four-win/three-loss week, that barely-above-.500 mark leaves no room for error, and in my estimation, you're actually heading into the next week from a somewhat-negative standpoint when you averaged eight and-a-half left on in the seven-game stretch. Add to that that the week wrapped up with the first season's sweep (courtesy of LAA) and went straight into another one to kick off the following week (a two-game set with OAK). The result? A four-loss/two-win week six. We'll examine a few of the numbers on the other side of that pesky "Read More" link.

Week Six

5/12 @ OAK: 3-12 (L); 10 hits, eight left on
5/13 @ OAK: 2-7 (L); four hits, eight left on
5/14 vs BAL: 5-9 (L); 12 hits, 12 left on
5/15 vs BAL: 1-8 (W); 13 hits, 10 left on
5/16 vs BAL: 2-3 (L); seven hits, 13 left on
5/17 vs BAL: 4-7 (W); nine hits, 17 left on

The sums for the week: 55 hits, 27 runs scored, and a (for consecutive weeks now) season-high 68 base runners stranded. I suppose in some sense, the rise and fall of these numbers go hand in hand. That is, the fewer the hits means the fewer the runs, and thus a higher potential for guys left on base. But it's not a certainty.

Compared with last week, the Royals managed nine fewer hits, a mere four fewer runs, and stranded eight more runners. So pardon the cliche, but something's gotta give. I'm not sure if it's being more aggressive with your speed, or better situational hitting, or a combination of the two, but leaving nearly 70 guys on the line in a six-game week is flat out unacceptable. There's also the oft-chatted-up X-factor of the lineup juggling, which is fascinating, really.

Take the Royals catching platoon for example. John Buck always catches Gil Meche, and Miguel Olivo always catches Zack Greinke. It was announced in the off-season that Olivo would be the starter, and he has been, which basically leaves Buck to catch Greinke, and then the day-game-that-follows-a-night-game duty (Editor's Note: Sometimes referred to in the English language as Sunday.) behind the plate. Now, Olivo was all fired up last year about playing time. Olivo hit .255 with 12 home runs and 41 RsBI in 2008; he slugged .444 and had an on-base percentage of .278. Buck, on the other hand, hit .224 with nine homers and 48 runs driven in; he slugged .365 with an OBP of .304. There are two key differences between the two guys in determining who gets the starting job though, and they are 1) Buck played in 25 more games than Olivo, and 2) Buck had 24 assists to Olivo's 32. So the batting figures either favor Olivo, or are a wash, and Olivo clearly has the better arm at gunning down attempted base thiefs, so you give him the job, and consider Buck as the occasional DH or PH on his nights off.

Catcher or no, you're still left with eight hitting slots to figure out. Do you stay traditional and keep your speed at the top of the order and follow them up with your measty sticks? Or do you mix it up depending on who's hitting well at the moment and who's not? It's all kind of a mind scramble either way, but to get back to the point of this feature, there has to be a way to get these guys producing offensively. There are, as it stands right at this moment, two guys on the roster hitting .300 or better, and one of them is Willie Bloomquist. That'd be the Willie Bloomquist that last year's awful Seattle club let go, the Bloomquist that was supposed to be a fill-in utility guy, the guy that has only 75 at bats on the season. The other guy is Alberto "Baby-Throwing Doubles Machine" Callaspo.

A few hitters are toying with the notion: Mark Teahen's at .279, Billy Butler's at .283, and Jose Guillen sits at .299. The rest of these guys are floating around the middle .200s range, and that's not gonna cut it. For the season, the Royals have 323 hits, they've crossed home 177 times, and hung a solid 298 runners out on the line to dry. The simple answer is more hits and more hits consistently. Easier said than done. The complexity in it is keeping your second baseman's bat nice, warm, and in the lineup everyday, while you try to get everyone not named Alberto Callaspo to simply produce more. And it's gotta change quick because the Royals are nearing the place where their LOB numbers are doubling their runs scored.
Read more

Friday Fiction Fix: "The Descent of Man"

We might very well be licensed to slack a bit on the usual Friday, but I'll be damned if we'll head into a holiday weekend without a little Eff Cubed, if you feel me. It's been an interesting week on the House of Georges, and we might as well go out with a bang. We will, however, keep this one brief, so's not to give too much away. Be careful with your boats, beers, barbecues, and bongs out there, America.

T. Coraghessan Boyle is an American novelist and short-story writer who has been publishing since the late 1970s. He has compiled an impressive list of works and achievements including 12 novels, eight collections, a PEN/Faulkner award, and a Guggenheim Fellowship. He currently has a novel and a short-story collection in the works, with tentative publication dates of 2011, 2010, respectively. I would highly reccommend The Road to Wellville and The Tortilla Curtain; the wife is currently reading Talk Talk while I'll next take on Budding Prospects, a 1984 novel about growing weed. So if you don't know T.C. Boyle, ya betta' ax somebody, 'cause his stuff makes fer good readin'.

"I was living with a woman who suddenly began to stink."



"There were other problems, too. Hairs, for instance. Hairs that began to appear on her clothing, sharp...and brutal...Then too there was the fruit...



...these fruit fragments occurred principally in the bedroom, on the pillow, surrounding by darkening spots."

As one might imagine, our narrator is in somewhat of an uncomfortable situation to say the least.

"(She) was in the habit of sitting before the air conditioner when she came home from work, fingering out her hair, drying the sweat from her face and neck in the cool hum of the machine, fruit bits sifting silently to the carpet...hairs drifting like feathers. On these occasions the room would fill with the stink of her, bestial and fetid."



"One evening, just after her bath (the faintest odor lingered...), I lay my hand casually across her belly and was suddenly startled to see an insect flit from its cover, skate up the swell of her abdomen, and bury itself in her navel."

Our protagonist, with his frustrations now yielding suspicions, begins to ponder an investigation.

"At home I poured a water glass of gin, held it to my nostrils and inhaled. (She) sat before the air conditioner, her hair like a urinal mop, stinking...On the way to the bedroom I poured a second glass.

In the bedroom I sniffed gin and dressed for dinner...She appeared in the doorway. She was dressed in her work clothes: jeans and sweatshirt...'I figured I'd go like this,' she said."



"I was knotting my tie. 'And I wish you'd stop insisting on baths every night -- I'm getting tired of smelling like a coupon in a detergent box. It's unnatural. Unhealthy.'

When I returned from work the following day, (she) was gone...On the pillow in the bedroom I found a fermenting chunk of pineapple. And sobbed."

Thusly, the last straw, and the narrator is off in search of answers.

"It was dark when I got there...I began searching through the rooms, opening and slamming doors."

"Inside I found (her), legs and arms bare, pinching a lab smock across her chest. She looked puzzled at first, then annoyed. She stepped up to me, made some rude gestures in my face...Then I saw (him) -- in a pair of baggy BVDs.



I grabbed (her). But (he) was there in an instant -- he hit me like a grill of a Cadillac and I spun across the room, tumbling desks and chairs as I went.



I slumped against the chalkboard. The door slammed: (she) was gone."

Boyle's story is full of numerous surprises. You can obtain a copy of one of his short-story collections here.

That's today's Fix, kids. Dunno when we'll be back with another one, so be sure to check back every Friday afternoon, and the rest of the days that end in 'y,' as well.
Read more

My Sports Life is a Rock Song: "My (Redacted) Wants to Kill Your Mama"

Yass, yass! Dust off the archives shelves, kids. It's time for that grand old skeleton from the closet, "My Sports Life is a Rock Song." By now you know how to peruse the tools in the House, so if you're interested in seeing how long it's been since we cranked out one of these features, let your own damn fingers do the walking. As usual, we're going to uncomfortably force a theme in music with a theme in sports, and why not take two of the most peculiar chaps in the history of both categories, and make a post sandwich out of them. Epic fail, just after the jump.

If you're a Royals fan, and you've felt irked by the early-season performances (Editor's Note: You may of course peep in the comments here for his current streak.) of relief pitcher Kyle Farnsworth, you're not alone. I personally don't have that big a beef with the dude taking up a roster spot. He comes in. He pipes some high 90s action down the pipe. He gets a few strikeouts, gives up a few (sometimes game-winning) jacks, and he of course, serves a purpose. But you, the TalkRadio callers, the HoG readers, and the racist K brawlers, have been peeved by his existence in a Royals uniform, and Manager Trey Hillman's various decisions to call to the bullpen for his services. And you're entitled.

I, on the other hand, know that Frank Zappa's guitar wanted to kill some broad's mama, and (your relief pitcher) Kyle Farnsworth may well in fact kill your family some day. But you can't do anything about either of those things, so you may as well listen to some Frank, and root, root, root for Kansas City to handle the St. Louis Cardinals this weekend.



You know the fans, and the presses
Sayin' he's no good for you.
They call him dirty, Kyle Farnsworth
Til they don't know what to do.

I get so tired of the Trey Hillmans
When they pick up the bullpen phones.
I'd rather see ol' Jimmy Gobble
or the 50 year-old David Cones!
Said don't bring him in no more!

I can't take it.

The Professor wants to kill your mama.
The Professor wants to kill your mama.
The Professor wants to burn your dad,
He gets real mean when ya' make him mad!



Later, after the pressers,
George Brett said it wasn't fair.
He was a-screamin', and a-cussin'
askin' Jack Harry how you dare?

I get so tired of the Trey Hillmans
When they pick up the bullpen phones.
I'd rather see ol' Jimmy Gobble
or the 50 year-old David Cones!
Said don't bring him in no more!

I can't take it.

The Professor wants to kill your mama.
The Professor wants to kill your mama.
The Professor wants to burn your dad,
He gets real mean when ya' make him mad!

(a good Detroit-KC link here)

Before we get to the rest of our Friday business, allow me to notify you that your responses to the t-shirt drive have been greatly appreciated and we hope the orders keep rolling in. At this rate, we'll be able to sponsor the Professor's page (approval currently pending) until Old No. 7's kid is playing little league.

Huzzah!
Read more

Historically Speaking: 5-22-09

There's no Chicago day baseball today because the Cubs will be in San Diego, where Jake Peavy is slated to start. Awkward! That Zambrano/Peavy match should be interesting, though, just as the Santana/Matsuzaka tilt and the Myers/Burnett (on a smaller-ish scale) could be. But enough about dumb evening baseball, we gots learnin' to do.

* Back in 1884 a one-armed pitcher named Hugh Daily struck out 13 batters today. Impressive. I can barely even use the can with one arm.

* Technology poked America's pastime today as the Brooklyn Dodgers announced in 1938 that they would install lights at Ebbets Field.

* Couple of expansion notes: It was today in 1970 when the NHL announced that both Vancouver and Buffalo would be awarded franchises for the 1970-71 season; and in 1991the NFL announced they too would add a pair for the 1994 season: the Jacksolina Paguars and the Caroville Janthers. It was in that same year that the NBA uttered a "me, too" and tossed the Toronto Raptors into their league's mix to, you know, fit in with the cool kids.

* It was 1993 when Riddick Bowe handled his business against opponent Jesse Ferguson in a heavyweight title defense. Bowe was awarded a technical knockout in the second round in Washington, D.C. that evening, the second defense of his title since taking it from Evander Holyfield seven months prior.

* You have your opinions; I have mine. Mine have a problem with this sentence: The year was 2003 when high school basketball star LeBron James signed a $90 million endorsement deal with Nike.

And your Sports Illustrated quote of the day came from the mouth of...



...former Chicago Cubs manager Don Zimmer who, in 1990 saw his team produce a 4-4 road trip and, afterwards, had this to say: "It just as easily could have gone the other way."
Read more

Didn't We See Something Like This Last Fall?

Yes, I stole this from The Big Lead, but there's no way I can't post it
here. More racially charged brawling! But this time, not involving football--in the Kauffman stadium play area.

Read more

Baseball in the Daytime: Juice? We Don't Need No Stinkin' Juice

Over the course of the past two and-a-half years, I've heard from a few House of Georges fellas that they don't really care for this feature. It's not, they say, that it's dumb or poorly written, or monotonous. Well, it might be all of those things, but they've just been nice and not said those exact words. But the point they wanted to make, I think, was that there's just no appeal in it. There's no headline, no gossip, no shenanigans, no smack talk, no hope and hype and talk of championships on the horizons, and I understand that. I respect those opinions, but I also have mine, and I happen to be a big fan of ol' Baseball in the Daytime, sheerly for what it symbolizes. Sure, it's fun to pretend like it's frequently feasible to ditch work, go day drinking, and take in a baseball game. What this feature means for me, though, is nothing more than a little trinket of nostalgia. I can't really describe it, but having a baseball game on television in the middle of the day takes me back to my childhood, a time when baseball was anything and everything, quicker than most anything I can imagine. Television was it. It was the technology. There were no kids at bus stops with iPhones and Nintendo DS absorbing their every ounce of attention, kids that couldn't list one single player on their hometown team. There were kids in soccer fields and backyards, and they were playing baseball in every moment they could squeeze out of their folks. And I, for a spell, was one of them.

So, yes, I find weekday baseball awesome, especially when the Royals are playing and I know, even if it's not a true possibility in the given moment, that I can head out to the stadium for some diamond ball in the sunshine. So it's good to be back in the chair for this morning's slate, which you can find, of course, just after the jump.


Philadelphia @ Cincinnati, 11:35 Central: What better a way to kick off a Thursday of baseball than with a lunchtime feature containing two righties, one of which may or may not be a lunchbox thief. I speak, of course, of the hefty Joe Blanton, who'll be the mountain on the hill atop the first inning at Great American Ballpark. Blanton and his defending-champion Phills have gotten their act together and gotten over .500, and don't look now, but they're actually in first in the N.L. East by a whole game. It's high time Mr. Blanton do his part, as his 1-3, 6.86 E.R.A. start to the year hasn't necessarily contributed much noteworthy to the effort. Starting off the bottoms of the frames will be Micah Owings for the Redlegs. On the books Mr. Owings has been a part of seven decisions with three wins and four losses, while his earned-run average is nearly three points lower than today's counterpart. Catch this tilt on DirecTV 721, XM 183.

Texas @ Detroit, 12:05: Today's second affair pits me in a peculiar spot: rooting for a Texas team, a Texas team that refuses to surrender the first-place spot in the A.L. West, a Texas team that could certainly have a helping of discounted Hank Stram shirts, or maybe even find the House of Georges sponsoring one of its player pages if they could, uh, quitely, discreetly find a way to beat the Tigers today. Today's second duel will also be a matchup of righties, two gents that have had a bit more success so far in 2009, what with visiting-team ace Kevin Millwood holding a 4-3, 2.93, while home-team town Edwin Jackson trots out a 3-2, 2.42. It's a battle of firsts at Comerica Park, one that may be viewed on DirecTV 722 or 723, or listened to on XM 176.

Minnesota @ Chicago, 1:05: Match three has a pair of A.L. Central clubs who've spent most of the past three weeks trading licks in the standings. Today, they're tied at five and-a-half back and they'll attempt to separate themselves from one another by sending Jeremy Blackburn and Bartolo Colon to the mound. Granted, both starters won't be there at the exact same time, but both starters do have two victories and E.R.A.s in the four range. Colon will have a shade of extra pressure on his home-team shoulders as the Ozzie Guillens appear ready to pull the trigger on Old No. 7's mostest favoritest Team U.S.A. World Baseball Classic pitcher, Jake Peavy. Find the madness on DirecTV 724 and 725, or on XM 177.

Cleveland @ Kansas City, 1:10: I've been angling all season long, trying to formulate a master plan to get out of work and get out to the K for an afternoon weekday game. Today, righties Carl Pavano sits atop the rubber-match Stank Tank board, just waiting to be dunked, and I'm stuck earning my small pile of beans. Guess it just wasn't in the cards. I sure can envision myself, though: my pockets seven dollars lighter, hanging in the Dri-Duck seats, hoping, some 30 years later, for my first-ever caught baseball, a cold one in hand. But heck, driving around and listening to it on the radio sounds just as nice. The Royals pitcher of the affair is 7-1 with a 0.60 E.R.A. and I keep waiting for the point in the season where his stats don't look like a typo in the morning paper. Mr. Pavano has gone 3-4 with a 6.33, and these two clubs have each taken one series a piece at the mark of 2-1. Someone repeats today, and you can find out who on DirecTV 726 or 727. Or you can tune in to XM 178.

Oakland @ Tampa Bay, 3:08: We travel down to Florida for the afternoon's final game for a contest between two clubs that really need to get their acts together. The defending American League champion Rays are toying with .500 and they'll give Matt Garza the nod today. Oakland has managed to win but 15 games, but by sending lefty Dallas Braden out for duty, they've a decent shot of making it 16. Braden's record is 3-5 right now, and his E.R.A. sits at 3.64, but for Athletic pitching, that ain't terrible. Garza, at 4-2, 3.50, is also, not terrible. Catch this one on DirecTV 728 or 729, or grab a speaker and put your XMs to the one seven niner.

That's your day baseball slate today, folks. Enjoy.
Read more