Your Semi-Regular Kyle Farnsworth Update

We like to keep our readers abreast of what's happening with our favorite reliever. It's been a busy week for sure, so try and keep up. Remember, you can always track The Professor's numbers here (stats lovingly sponsored by House Of Georges t-shirt sales) and follow his IM stylings here.

First, the Royals played a series in Cleveland, where once-unhittable Zach Greinke suddenly became hittable. Stank took a 3-run lead to the 8th inning, but tired a bit and allowed a pair of baserunners before manager Trey Hillman went to the pen. John Bale and then Joakim Soria blew the lead, and the game was knotted at three entering the 10th, where The Professor strolled to the mound...

He yielded a quick single to Mark DeRosa, followed by a walk to Victor Martinez. Shin Soo Choo was up next, and he drove a Meatball Express into center where, well, just watch.

Now, this is funny because of the intersection of wildlife and baseball. But honestly, outside the novelty, it was a hopeless situation for the Royals. Even if the birds were not there, DeRosa has a bit of speed, and have you seen Coco Crisp throw a baseball? Let's just say that Coco uncorked the throw of his life, DeRosa stumbled around third, and the runner was out at the plate. You still have first and third, one out, and Kyle Farnsworth on the mound. Don't blame the birds.

This isn't the first time, of course, that the Animal Kingdom has interrupted play at Jacobs Progressive Field. There was the swarm of midges that knocked Joba Chamberlain off the mound in the 2007 ALDS, remember? Everyone assumes that the bugs were there because Cleveland is some kind of urban sewer (plausible) or because Joba's odor is caustic (likely). I'm here to tell you, friends, in a one-of-a-kind HoGxclusive--the insects were looking for Kyle Farnsworth. The Professor was in the Yankee bullpen with Joba, but Joe Torre went to his rookie flamethrower instead of Kyle.

The seagull attack was no accident, just another example of vicious flocks of rabid animals trying to take down our hero. Need more proof? The guy was attacked by his own dog yesterday.

Not that I'm worried about a vast wildlife conspiracy trying to take down the HoG's human mascot. I'm pretty sure the guy can take care of himself.

One more thing about Farnsworth: He's a Mormon. Have a great day!
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My Sports Life is a Rock Song: "My (Redacted) Wants to Kill Your Mama"

Yass, yass! Dust off the archives shelves, kids. It's time for that grand old skeleton from the closet, "My Sports Life is a Rock Song." By now you know how to peruse the tools in the House, so if you're interested in seeing how long it's been since we cranked out one of these features, let your own damn fingers do the walking. As usual, we're going to uncomfortably force a theme in music with a theme in sports, and why not take two of the most peculiar chaps in the history of both categories, and make a post sandwich out of them. Epic fail, just after the jump.

If you're a Royals fan, and you've felt irked by the early-season performances (Editor's Note: You may of course peep in the comments here for his current streak.) of relief pitcher Kyle Farnsworth, you're not alone. I personally don't have that big a beef with the dude taking up a roster spot. He comes in. He pipes some high 90s action down the pipe. He gets a few strikeouts, gives up a few (sometimes game-winning) jacks, and he of course, serves a purpose. But you, the TalkRadio callers, the HoG readers, and the racist K brawlers, have been peeved by his existence in a Royals uniform, and Manager Trey Hillman's various decisions to call to the bullpen for his services. And you're entitled.

I, on the other hand, know that Frank Zappa's guitar wanted to kill some broad's mama, and (your relief pitcher) Kyle Farnsworth may well in fact kill your family some day. But you can't do anything about either of those things, so you may as well listen to some Frank, and root, root, root for Kansas City to handle the St. Louis Cardinals this weekend.



You know the fans, and the presses
Sayin' he's no good for you.
They call him dirty, Kyle Farnsworth
Til they don't know what to do.

I get so tired of the Trey Hillmans
When they pick up the bullpen phones.
I'd rather see ol' Jimmy Gobble
or the 50 year-old David Cones!
Said don't bring him in no more!

I can't take it.

The Professor wants to kill your mama.
The Professor wants to kill your mama.
The Professor wants to burn your dad,
He gets real mean when ya' make him mad!



Later, after the pressers,
George Brett said it wasn't fair.
He was a-screamin', and a-cussin'
askin' Jack Harry how you dare?

I get so tired of the Trey Hillmans
When they pick up the bullpen phones.
I'd rather see ol' Jimmy Gobble
or the 50 year-old David Cones!
Said don't bring him in no more!

I can't take it.

The Professor wants to kill your mama.
The Professor wants to kill your mama.
The Professor wants to burn your dad,
He gets real mean when ya' make him mad!

(a good Detroit-KC link here)

Before we get to the rest of our Friday business, allow me to notify you that your responses to the t-shirt drive have been greatly appreciated and we hope the orders keep rolling in. At this rate, we'll be able to sponsor the Professor's page (approval currently pending) until Old No. 7's kid is playing little league.

Huzzah!
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A Project

I'm a big, big fan of Baseball Reference, it's one of those reasons why the Gorenets were inventified. There are similar sites for basketball, football, hockey and, I'm sure, competitive crappie fishing, but Baseball Reference is the gold standard for getting quick stats in the most stat-centric game and solving, once and for all, debates like this.

Two features that set BR apart from every other sports stat site are the Similarity Scores (in which one discovers that David Ortiz's career path mirrors Richie Sexson, Danny Tartabull and Ryan Klesko--ouch) and the sponsored player pages. Every player who's ever participated in a major league game has a page on BR, and anyone can sponsor that page. You can sponsor a good player like Reggie Jackson for $170, a bad player like Mike Jackson for $15, a disgraced cheater like Rafael Palmeiro for $135 or a hilarious nobody like Pete Rose Jr. (who was once traded for Joe Borowski) for, again, $15.

I think it's imperative that the House of Georges community participate and sponsor a page, and you, dear reader, can both help us pick the player and help us pay for it. And by "help us" I mean "completely bankroll," we are a poor outfit these days. Cecil is unemployed and selling oranges on a highway median, I just had a kid that requires 46 diapers a day and Banky has gone back to manning the graveyard shift on the gay phone sex line. Help a brother out, and you might even get a T-shirt out of it.

QUESTION 1: WHICH PLAYER?

To be true to the House, it has to be someone who's A.) relevant and talented and B.) flawed and makes you crack up. No sense picking a boring tool like Craig Biggio. No, I'm thinking along the lines of Jeff "Truck Wash" Kent or Derek "Operation Shutdown" Bell (you have to love any ballplayer whose Wikipedia page contains the phrase "warm crack pipe").

The perfect HoG representative, of course, is this guy. Played for some of our favorite teams (Cubs, Royals) and least favorite teams (Yankees, Braves). Has his own fake blog (best post ever here) and a sharp pair of spectacles. Doesn't cost much. So long as you KC fans can stomach it, I don't see a downside.

HOW DO I PARTICIPATE IN THIS MAGNIFICENT ENDEAVOR?

Glad you asked! All you have to do is find the t-shirt link along the right side of this web site. It advertises glorious Hank Stram Matriculate duds for the low, low price of $12.00. Ignore that price and make it $15, and they remainder will go into the kitty for our player sponsorship. In your email to Banky, include your vote for whom to sponsor and an essay of less than 6000 words as to why your guy is deserving.

Don't like the Chiefs? No problem, I don't either. You may send a request to the same email address for a genuine all-cotton t-shirt emblazoned with a pirated John Elway whisky logo. It will fade and shrink in key moments for 15 years but then look great at the end. If you include a really, really persuasive essay, I might even speed up the production schedule for these shirts, but it'll cost you $15.65.
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Football. And a Little Something Less

Rest easy, you win-starved residents of Royalville--it's Kyle Farnsworth to the rescue!

Kyle Farnsworth will always be newsworthy. Because he is really tall, yes, and once had some promise as a closer in the Windy City; but more because he is a blood-drinking son of a bitch who will beat your ass.

Which rules. But would be a much better professional attribute if he played hockey, or beat up junkies and loan sharks for the mob. His most demonstrable baseball skill over the course of the last few seasons has been economic, in that he's good at getting paid a lot of money for being a mediocre pitcher. Which has to make his parents happy, at the very least.

In other news, the Broncos are playing a relatively important football game tomorrow. Let's try to make some sense of it after the leap.


So D.J. Williams might be back and Champ, maybe not. I'd rather D.J. kept it parked at the moment, what with Wesley Woodyard playing so well--but #24 we need, and badly. I even liked Spencer Larsen over Nate Webster when that was a possibility. As bad as they were at the start of the season, why not roll with the utes?

Who says starters can't lose their jobs to injury? That's crazy talk from the leather helmet age. This team needs to develop an attitude and the way to do that is play the young guys you've drafted. I'd rather grow with Woodyard than watch D.J. continue to play like he was late for his chess lesson.

No matter who's out there, the cognoscenti expect Carolina to run for about 440 yards and 9 touchdowns. Maybe. But there are a few things about this game that bug me:

The point spread. Carolina is giving 7 at home. Doesn't that number seem a tad high? Yeah, they neutered Tampa, but divisional games are different. This is a team that allowed Atlanta to score 45 on them three weeks ago.

The--get this, about to coin a phrase--trap game factor. Last week was the big divisional matchup against the Fey Pirates of North Florida. Next week will be a game against the Giants that could potentially decide home field advantage in the NFC. And what with the current Broncos meme remaining, ignorant of recent results, that Denver can't stop anyone on the ground, I think a little fat-n-happy might set in on the Cats' side.

Carolina's douchebag fans. Ol' No. 7 covered this already, but we should keep repeating it. Over and over.
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