The 2011 Stanley Cup Playoffs: Conference Quarter-Finals Recap, Semi-Finals Preview, and a Look at the Last 10 Years of CQF Play

Round one of the National Hockey League’s Stanley Cup Playoffs is in the books, and calling the conference quarter-final round a wild ride would be an understatement. Forty-eight games occurred in this post-season-opening tournament, and thinking back over the past decade of playoff hockey, I cannot recall a more exciting round. It’s entirely possible that the round seemed so intense because the final four series went to a game-seven situation, and two of those needed overtime to decide the outcome, but either way, this was some high-octane hockey.

After the jump we’ll acknowledge the winner of each series, skim over the awfulness that was my pick selection, and we’ll preview the semi-final round. And as an added nugget, we’ll look at snapshots of the previous 10 seasons of NHL Conference Quarter-Final play.

I picked the Phoenix Coyotes to squeak past the Detroit Redwings in seven games, and I couldn’t have been wronger. The third-seeded squad that calls the Joe home made quick work of the six-seed ‘Yotes, and broomed them from the picture in four straight. It was the lone sweep of the quarter-finals, which only makes the loss that much more embarrassing for Dave Tippett and company. Every year I pick the Redwings to get eliminated –- both because I loathe them, and because I think their agedness will be a factor –- earlier than they do, and they continue to show a post-season savvy perhaps unmatched across the league.

Phoenix displayed their disadvantage by only losing by one goal once; Detroit handled them 4-2, 4-3, 4-2, and 6-2, courtesy of six series points from center Pavel Datsyuk, and a solid 2.50 goals-against average, .915 save percentage from goaltender Jimmy Howard.

Sticking with series I predicted incorrectly (Anaheim in seven), it was the Nashville Predators that advanced for the first time in franchise post-season history. Fifth-seeded Nashville upset the four-seed Anaheim Ducks by ending their season in six games. Despite incredible performances from Anaheim goalie Ray Emery, winger Corey Perry, and the ageless forward Teemu Selanne, the Ducks could only squeeze two victories out of the series: a two-goal game-two margin, and a three-tally win in the fourth contest.

We’ll stay in the west, and stay with the theme of bad picks of mine.
The previous two post-seasons have seen a scary-looking San Jose Sharks teams not reach the potential they established in the preceding regular seasons. I imagined their playoff skin to still be prime for a piercing, and anticipated that the Los Angeles Kings (seventh-seed) would be a conference-wide surprise. Their shock, though, was short-lived, and they were sent packing in six games. In sum, Jonathan Quick, as well as he played, cannot carry this L.A. team on his royal back. Furthermore, the Kings went a dull 0-3 in overtime contests against second-seeded San Jose, managing their only two wins in games two (a 4-0 blanking) and five (3-1).

Still west, still wrong, it’s Vancouver-Chicago, where the Canucks came in the one seed, and should’ve (in my estimation) sent the defending champions home in five games. Unfortunately for my pride, it took all seven. If you’re a hockey fan –- and even if you’re not but you tuned in a touch –- you know that this series was the gem of the first round. When Vancouver went up three games to none, I was feeling good about my prediction, stoked that the Blackhawks were all but destined to be one-and-done in their attempt to defend their championship, and flat-out amazed at the style of play exhibited by Alaine Vigneault’s squad.

Typically, you have a solid offensive core with one or two playmakers, an aggressive trio of defensive pairings, and a goaltender that epitomizes the last-line-of-defense mantra that a goaltender is supposed to epitomize. This recipe is, obviously, one you follow if you want to go deep in the post-season, and have a shot at winning it all. Vancouver might as well be the Richard Blais of this year’s playoffs. They do things their own way, and the only thing that can get in the way of their own success is themselves. In doing things their own way, the Canucks swarm –- and I mean swarm -- to every loose puck, they win most of those battles in the corners and along the boards, they create turnovers, and they probably cycle better than any offensive unit in the game right now.

They also have aggressive defensemen who keep the puck in the zone, create turnovers, and literally anchor the offensive units. Vancouver’s biggest problem is Roberto Luongo, and as much as I think Blackhawks fans are smug, and over-deserving, they had every right to be in the face of the Canuck netminder when he gave blowing the series the old college try, and then some. How that man managed to steal Olympic gold from the U.S. is still a mystery to me.

But, everyone knew it would be tough for Chicago to defend as they had to blow up their roster for cap space after last season’s championship, and you have to give that team kudos for fighting to the bitter end. In terms of picks, this was the only series winner I pegged, but I went oh-fer in picking correct number of wins per series in each of the four matchups.

Out east, I looked a little better. I nailed Tampa Bay in six right on the head, and boy was I glad for that franchise. I like Tampa Bay. I like Guy Boucher and his gutsy coaching style, and I think having Stevie Y at the helm of this front office will mean good things for this team. I was impressed by Tampa Bay’s championship in the pre-lockout campaign, and it’s nice for this club to have some success in Florida, where the teams in Miami seem to steal all the pub. Pittsburgh definitely had their work cut out for them not having Evgeni Malkin and Sidney Crosby healthy, but I didn’t feel sorry for the one bit, ‘cause screw the Penguins. I did, however, shed one lone tear for our old pal The Lone Reader, who took in his first NHL playoff game ever in this series. Unfortunately for him, it was the 8-2 drubbing the Lightning dropped on Pittsburgh last Saturday.

Regarding Washington-New York, I was money there again, selecting the Caps to finish the Rangers in five. This was also an easy pick though, because it is a proven fact that the New York Rangers are –- in my hockey-viewing lifetime -– atrocious in the post-season. Not that I care, but if you need to, blame Lindros.

The Philadelphia Flyers took on the familiar Buffalo Sabres, and I was only one game off the mark in predicting this Philly win: They needed seven to disperse Lindy Ruff’s team, and I’d called for the Flyers in six. This Philly team really should’ve handled business sooner than they did, as Buffalo was a bit outmatched. You have to appreciate Ruff’s ability to get his group this prepared for a high-scoring, bruiser club like Philadelphia, and you also have to wonder what Peter Laviolette is doing starting three different goaltenders in a playoff series. But hey -– they advanced.

Boston-Montreal was the fourth Eastern Conference pairing, and it was a doozy. They needed all seven –- just like I said -– contests to eliminate the pesky Habs, but eliminate them they did, also in a game-seven overtime. Some good hockey there.

Playoff leaders through round one:

Philadelphia’s Danny Briere has six goals, his teammate Claude Giroux has tallied eight assists, and fellow Flyer Kimmo Timonen has registered a nice plus-nine in the +/- category. And we might as well make this first grouping and all-Philly affair, as noted goon Daniel Carcillo has amassed 26 penalties in minutes. Between the pipes, it’s the aged Dwayne Roloson manning the Tampa Bay crease with a hefty .949 save percentage, while Michal Neuvirth of Washington has generated an impressive 1.38 goals-against average.

Looking ahead to the semi-finals:

Fifth-seeded Nashville hosts one-seed Vancouver, and that series gets underway at 8 pm Central this evening. Keith Jones made a good point in saying that the Predators are thanking the Blackhawks for softening up the Canucks for them, and Mike Keenan threw in his own two cents suggesting that Vancouver will need better play from the Sedin twins this series. Both are correct in that a) the Canucks will struggle early against Nashville, and b) the play –- points-wise -– of Daniel and Henrik dropped off significantly after game three, but it’s possible that the wilted performances of one R. Luongo made matters significantly worse.

Chicago is a bruiser of a team, and they gave Vancouver fits. Jeremy Roenick suspects that the Predators will be an even tougher challenge for the finesse play of the Canucks to overcome, and he might be right as well, but I’m not sold on it costing them the series.

The pick: Vancouver in six

Two tilts tomorrow night, and they come in the form of the five-seed Lightning and the one-seed Capitals; the third-seed Redwings will do battle with two-seed San Jose.

In that Eastern Conference series, I know that Roloson is 41 years old, but I don’t think it matters. He’s got his game face on, and I think the offensive production Tampa Bay is capable of will significantly inflate that nice G.A.A. Neuvirth has put together. The Caps can be fierce, but let’s be honest: They’re a bit limited in forward production, and the Rangers weren’t a test. You can’t expect Alexander Ovechkin to do everything, and that’s a mistake Washington has been guilty of in the past. Sure, he spread it around a bit in round one, but again: That was against New York.

The pick: Lightning in six

I didn’t think San Jose could get past the Los Angeles Kings, but they proved me wrong. Detroit proved me wrong as well, but I always pick against them. I won’t make that mistake again.

The pick: Detroit in five

On Saturday, a pair of bad-boy clubs will get after it when three-seed Boston travels to two-seed Philly. I like Boston. I always jump on their bandwagon come playoff time. Usually they choke. They turned things around last year, and they’ve got a nice collection of players including Tim Thomas in net, Zdeno Chara leading the D, and David Krejci, Milan Lucic, and Patrice Bergeron as high-quality point producers. Problem is: It won’t be enough for this hungrier-than-ever Flyers squad, who will pounce on every Bruin mistake. I also give them the coaching edge in Laviolette over Claude Julien.

The pick: Flyers in seven

Now, having assessed what’s already happened, and what will happen, I wanted to take a look at a few statistics. I’m not sure what compelled me to collect this data, but I think it was a hunch that told me I’d see more of all things better when I compared this year’s quarter-finals with the quarter-finals of the previous 10 seasons. That turned out to not really be the case at all. What I think gave me the number-crunching itch was that I a) used to think that the playoffs mattered little until it was Conference Finals time, and b) have been able to neutrally invest myself in this year’s and last year’s NHL post-seasons since my Blues have been absent from competition.

Well, technically they were absent in 2008-09 as well, when they laid a Canuck-sized egg and got swept by Vancouver, but let’s not split hairs here.

I went through each quarter-finals series, and found out how many goals were scored, how many shots on goal were generated, how many major penalties were assessed, whether or not home-ice advantage was a factor, how many overtime periods occurred, and the average number of games played per series. (Editor’s Note: Shots on goal are registered shots that would’ve been goals had the goalie not saved them. No, pipes and crossbars don’t count. Major penalties include game misconducts, fighting, spearing, boarding, charging, etc. I left out all the minor infractions. Overtime refers to the number of overtime periods, not games, played. For each of the previous three quarter-finals rounds, come-from-behind-game wins is an available stat.) Why I chose the stats I did is as much a mystery to you as it is to me, but here they are nonetheless:

1999-2000 Conference Quarter-Finals (eventual champion: New Jersey Devils)
Goals: 207
Shots: 2,228
PIMs: 185
Home vs. Visitor: 5/3 in favor of home teams
OTs: 3
Average number of games per series: 5.125

2000-01 CQFs (eventual champion: Colorado Avalanche)
Goals: 212
Shots: 2,428
PIMs: 190
H vs. V: 4/4 tie
OTs: 14
GPS: 5.5

2001-02 CQFs (eventual champion: Detroit Redwings)
Goals: 217
Shots: 2,612
PIMs: 280
H vs. V: 6/2, home
OTs: 6
GPS: 5.875

2002-03 CQFs (eventual champion: New Jersey Devils)
Goals: 228
Shots: 2,745
PIMs: 235
H vs. V: 6/2, home
OTs: 18
GPS: 5.875

2003-04 CQFs (eventual champion: Tampa Bay Lightning)
Goals: 242
Shots: 2,620
PIMs: 50
H vs. V: 6/2, home
OTs: 14
GPS: 5.875

2005-06 CQFs (eventual champion: Carolina Hurricanes)
Goals: 259
Shots: 2,653
PIMs: 220
H vs. V: 3/5, visitor
OTs: 15
GPS: 5.5

2006-07 CQFs (eventual champion: Mighty Los Angeles Ducks of Anaheim)
Goals: 216
Shots: 2,576
PIMs: 420
H vs. V: 6/2, visitor
OTs: 11
GPS: 5.375

2007-08 CQFs (eventual champion: Detroit Redwings)
Goals: 256
Shots: 2,929
PIMs: 180
H vs. V: 5/3, home
OTs: 10
GPS: 6

2008-09 CQFs (eventual champion Pittsburgh Penguins)
Goals: 225
Shots: 2,723
PIMs: 405
H vs. V: 6/2, home
OTs: 6
GPS: 5.5
Come-from-behind wins: 13

2009-10 CQFs (eventual champion: Chicago Blackhawks)
Goals: 289
Shots: 3,103
PIMs: 245
H vs. V: 4/4 tie
OTs: 15
GPS: 6.125
CFBWs: 19

2010-11 CQFs
Goals: 287
Shots: 3,056
PIMs: 375
H vs. V: 6/2, home
OTs: 18
GPS: 6.125
CFBWs: 11

So, there’re those numbers. And really, I do know why I chose them. I thought we would see an interesting comparison between the five pre-lockout seasons, and the six since. I imagined that by reducing the size of goaltender pads, containing goalie puck play to the behind-the-net rhombus, and eliminating the two-line pass, that offensive production would be dramatically different, which is what the league wanted since, that’s what the other three major leagues do: The NFL has tailored offensive play to favor the passing game; In baseball, people want power hitting; and in the NBA, if you’re not dunkin’ and droppin’ threes, then you’re a nobody.

We did see goals scored go up and stay up, but not significantly. Shots gradually worked their way up to, and recently crested the 3,000 mark. PIMs have been all over the place. I thought once the Donald Brashears and the Ty Domis were gone from the game, we’d see them taper off, but guys are still getting after each other quite a bit in post-season play. Overtime periods have also been sporadic, but notably high this year and last. We learned that home-ice advantage is a factor: In seven of the 11 seasons examined, teams with the higher seed won. Only twice was there a tie. Number of games per series has sputtered around a bit, but, like shots, they crested a mark (six-plus) last year, and stayed there this year. Come-from-behind wins was an interesting stat to look at for two reasons: 1) The media always discuss come-from-behind series wins, but I wanted to look at it on a game-by-game basis, because 2) Often-times it seems that the club that scores first in a game hangs on to win, and this stat wanted to assess the validity of such a claim.

These numbers also made me think a lot about defense. It seemed that, in the earlier parts of the decade, defense was a massive factor in games and in series. You’d have lower numbers of shots on goal, and thus higher numbers of blocked shots, and even lower-scoring games. And to a degree, we do see that: more shots, more goals, and higher-scoring contests. What I don’t believe is that defensive units are softer, or that the pool of goaltending talent is smaller. I think these are the areas that the post-lockout rule changes have had an impact on, and that it’s better in every way imaginable for the game.
Enough on my own assessment of those numbers, though. There’s something to be said for analyzing your own collected data. There’s also something to be said about this year’s Stanley Cup Conference Quarter-Finals, and that is that it was probably the best opening round of playoff hockey I’ve seen in a long, long time.
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Friday Foolin': Talkin' 'Bout My 'Broneration!

Normally, I be like F**k the NBA, but this is too good to pass up.

(clip courtesy of The Big Lead)
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Ladies & Gentlemen, Your 2009 Stanley Cup Champion Pittsburgh Penguins

What a game. I was in the pisser for the first goal, which I'm told was preceeded by a non-call icing, but what can you do. The Wings gave it their all and thoroughly dominated the second half of both the second and third periods. Had it not been for Marc-Andre Fleury's consecutive saves in under four seconds in the third, this game would've gone to overtime.



Congratulations are in order to the city of pedophiles, Mario Lemieux, the Penguins franchise, and the Lone Canadian Reader, whose boycott of the House of Georges means we can make fun of him without limit.

(photo courtesy of Sports Illustrated; video thanks to the NHL)
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The Quest for the Cup: The HoG's 2009 Stanley Cup Finals Preview

We've made it, at last, to the Stanley Cup Finals, and I've waited 'til the last minute to write about it for a number of reasons: 1) I've been all-around horrible on making predictions this post-season, 2) the last thing I wanted was a repeat of last year's finals, and 3) the last time I put together a hockey post, all hell broke loose, which is vaguely reminiscent of our playoff-hockey commentary from a year ago. All of that aside though, one thing's for certain: This is going to be a fantastic series. You have the best of both worlds in terms of complete hockey teams, competing for the title. In Detroit, Mike Babcock's core of gritty, experienced veterans look to defend the championship in what will likely be the final season for the 47 year-old Chris Chelios. In Pittsburgh, you have the most impressive nucleus of young players that could very well be moving into The Sprint Center a dynasty mode if they can knock off the ferocious Red Wings. Enjoy minimal analysis and a couple of clips after the jump.



I hate Detroit. They're a division rival to my St. Louis Blues, and they're always fucking stacked. Always. I've grown to appreciate them, however, as a franchise that perennially makes the right moves. And they named their building after Joe Louis, which is pretty cool.



Problem is, I also hate Pittsburgh. I lived with Flyers fan for several years and grew to like them quite a bit, and the Pens have handled Philly in consecutive post-seasons now. Plus, I thought it would be cool for Ovechkin and the Capitals to knock off the defending Eastern Conference champs, but so much for that.



I've also tried pretty hard to hate the non-NFL, non-MLB teams that The Lone Reader roots for, so I'm obligated to not pull for the Pens. And I'm still bitter at Mario for his shenanigans with Kansas City and the whole leverage-for-our-new-building ploy, but who am I to hold a grudge. Not really. I got mad respect for Lemieux, and it would've been weird to have Pittsburgh's club move here.

Anyway, the puck drops in just over an hour, and I've got two points to make.

First, the Penguins have been incredible these playoffs. They've repeatedly surprised me with their poise, and impressed me with a cohesiveness I wasn't willing to give them credit for. Kudos to them for that. I don't, however, think that Pittsburgh, or anyone else for that matter, can or will stop the Wings. They are, as usual, just too darn good. The one thing standing in their way, though is their health. Detroit is an older club and they've got some injury issues to deal with early in the series. Along with Kris Draper, one time Saturday Studmuffin Pavel Datsyuk will be out for game one, and they've got a couple of other guys that aren't exactly 100 percent.

So the Penguins could build some early momentum and take game one at the Joe, which was a difficult place for them to play last year. In fact, I think they were shutout in the first two contests. I envision a late surge from Detroit, though, if that happens, and think that they repeat, moments before Chelios hangs up the skates.

The pick: Wings in seven

(Editor's Note: It's incredibly unsexy to pick a series to end in six or seven games. This I know. I just don't see either team folding that early.)

There you have it. Below is the television schedule. Game on!

GAME 1: SAT. MAY 30, PIT @ DET, 8PM, NBC, CBC, RDS
GAME 2: SUN. MAY 31, PIT @ DET, 8PM, NBC, CBC, RDS
GAME 3: TUE JUN 2, DET @ PIT, 8PM, VS, CBC, RDS
GAME 4: THU JUN 4, DET @ PIT, 8PM, VS, CBC, RDS
*GAME 5: SAT. JUN 6, PIT @ DET, 8PM, NBC, CBC, RDS
*GAME 6: TUE JUN 9, DET @ PIT, 8PM, NBC, CBC, RDS
*GAME 7: FRI. JUN 12, PIT @ DET, 8PM, NBC, CBC, RDS
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Friday Fiction Fix: "The Descent of Man"

We might very well be licensed to slack a bit on the usual Friday, but I'll be damned if we'll head into a holiday weekend without a little Eff Cubed, if you feel me. It's been an interesting week on the House of Georges, and we might as well go out with a bang. We will, however, keep this one brief, so's not to give too much away. Be careful with your boats, beers, barbecues, and bongs out there, America.

T. Coraghessan Boyle is an American novelist and short-story writer who has been publishing since the late 1970s. He has compiled an impressive list of works and achievements including 12 novels, eight collections, a PEN/Faulkner award, and a Guggenheim Fellowship. He currently has a novel and a short-story collection in the works, with tentative publication dates of 2011, 2010, respectively. I would highly reccommend The Road to Wellville and The Tortilla Curtain; the wife is currently reading Talk Talk while I'll next take on Budding Prospects, a 1984 novel about growing weed. So if you don't know T.C. Boyle, ya betta' ax somebody, 'cause his stuff makes fer good readin'.

"I was living with a woman who suddenly began to stink."



"There were other problems, too. Hairs, for instance. Hairs that began to appear on her clothing, sharp...and brutal...Then too there was the fruit...



...these fruit fragments occurred principally in the bedroom, on the pillow, surrounding by darkening spots."

As one might imagine, our narrator is in somewhat of an uncomfortable situation to say the least.

"(She) was in the habit of sitting before the air conditioner when she came home from work, fingering out her hair, drying the sweat from her face and neck in the cool hum of the machine, fruit bits sifting silently to the carpet...hairs drifting like feathers. On these occasions the room would fill with the stink of her, bestial and fetid."



"One evening, just after her bath (the faintest odor lingered...), I lay my hand casually across her belly and was suddenly startled to see an insect flit from its cover, skate up the swell of her abdomen, and bury itself in her navel."

Our protagonist, with his frustrations now yielding suspicions, begins to ponder an investigation.

"At home I poured a water glass of gin, held it to my nostrils and inhaled. (She) sat before the air conditioner, her hair like a urinal mop, stinking...On the way to the bedroom I poured a second glass.

In the bedroom I sniffed gin and dressed for dinner...She appeared in the doorway. She was dressed in her work clothes: jeans and sweatshirt...'I figured I'd go like this,' she said."



"I was knotting my tie. 'And I wish you'd stop insisting on baths every night -- I'm getting tired of smelling like a coupon in a detergent box. It's unnatural. Unhealthy.'

When I returned from work the following day, (she) was gone...On the pillow in the bedroom I found a fermenting chunk of pineapple. And sobbed."

Thusly, the last straw, and the narrator is off in search of answers.

"It was dark when I got there...I began searching through the rooms, opening and slamming doors."

"Inside I found (her), legs and arms bare, pinching a lab smock across her chest. She looked puzzled at first, then annoyed. She stepped up to me, made some rude gestures in my face...Then I saw (him) -- in a pair of baggy BVDs.



I grabbed (her). But (he) was there in an instant -- he hit me like a grill of a Cadillac and I spun across the room, tumbling desks and chairs as I went.



I slumped against the chalkboard. The door slammed: (she) was gone."

Boyle's story is full of numerous surprises. You can obtain a copy of one of his short-story collections here.

That's today's Fix, kids. Dunno when we'll be back with another one, so be sure to check back every Friday afternoon, and the rest of the days that end in 'y,' as well.
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Tuesday Tidbits: The Hits Just Keep On Comin'

It's been a little over two years since we lost our founding father. Thanks be to goodness his honorable name lives on, his efforts extended by his son Clark. While many reports of this, one of the biggest four-week periods in Chiefs history in the last 20 years, have yet to be signed off on by editors, remain speculation, there are some with which we can be hopeful, like the one John Clayton has scribed for the ol E-S-Ps of N:

"A source close to the situation told ESPN.com's Bill Williamson that Edwards sent his assistant coaching staff home to await word on the future in light of the Pioli hiring news.

At this point, Pioli is expected to meet with coaches Thursday so a decision on Edwards and his staff's future could be made in the coming days."

In that same article, there's also a quote from the hoodie himself:

"To sum up in words everything Scott Pioli has meant to this organization and to me personally would be difficult, if not impossible," said Belichick. "From the day I met him, he has demonstrated a passion for football and respect for the game that is second to none."

From there we go to Bill Williamson himself, who has called the hiring "a monster move for the organization."

"Scott Pioli's first order of business when it comes to his new roster in Kansas City will be on the offensive side of the ball.

Two major issues need to be cleared on offense and Pioli, whether he keeps head coach Herm Edwards or not, needs to tackle them. Pioli needs to clear up the Tony Gonzalez situation and he needs to figure out if Tyler Thigpen will be the team's quarterback in 2009 or if a franchise quarterback will be pursued...

...There isn't much deliberation time needed on the Kansas City defense. The questions on defense are simple. It needs a whole lot of help, particularly on the defensive front seven. The Chiefs' concentration in free agency and the draft will likely be on improving the defense.

Pioli has a lot on his personnel plate, but it starts with the Gonzalez and Thigpen questions."

There's a quote from Pats owner Robert Craft (Editor's Note: Listen up, TLR. You're being called out here, you opinionated little prick.)

"Scott Pioli was an integral part of the many championships the New England Patriots have celebrated this decade...He has played an important role in building a championship tradition...I think Clark Hunt and the Kansas City Chiefs have made a very wise hire."

Anyway, I'm eager for this thing to pick up steam. I'm ready to get to know my new coaching staff, and for Cecil to process it all so he can tell us who we'll be taking with the third overall pick in April. Go, go gadget time machine!
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We Are Hot Chicks Wednesday: Here's to the Lone Reader

Almost exactly a year ago, two-thirds of the Iron Triangle matriculated out to the City of Kansas to attend my wedding. While they traveled from the various locales of the Centennial State, a little guy we've come to know as the Lone Reader hiked south from Canadia. With him came his lovely fiancee, and tomorrow the wife and I will be loading our backpacks, and leaving on a jet plane to attend theirs. Now I've known this LR character for roughly 22 years, and he's carried many a bag along his path in life. He's also brought many a lovely lady back to the TLR love shack with him. While most escaped unscathed, none passed the life-partner litmus. None until now, anyway. After the jump, we'll have a look at a few of the specimens that never sought refuge beneath TLR's covers.

Daisy Marie



The Lone Reader has been known to have an affinity for brunettes. His future wife is one.



He has, however, never been a fan of zebra-striped sheets. Sorry, Daisy.

Irina Sheik



As kids, and rabid WWF fans, TLR and I grappled on many occasion.



He'd be Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka, and I'd be Don "The Rock" Muracco.



Only on rare occasions would we opt for the Iron Sheik, spelling doom for one another with the threat of the Camel Clutch. If I had it to do over, I'd leave TLR out and mount this sheik's camel. Ooo. Yeah. I went there.

Veronica Verakova



Though TLR lives very near a beach,



that's attached to water of course,



I doubt there will be any shoreside bonding sessions with Veronica. Or anybody besides the Misses.

Victoria Valmer



Like many men, TLR has always struggled with whether he's an "ass" man,



or a "boob" man. My vote is that he's a boob and an ass before he's a man. Zing.

Christine



Many a blonde has crossed paths with TLR.



And many a one-named woman as well. Lucky for him, his days of paying for talent like that are over.



At least one would presume they are. After tomorrow night, maybe.

Francine Dee



If the man about to be wed has made it thus far without some Asian variety, I'd be surprised. But I'd check his bedpost first.

Ashlynn Brooke



In a recent interview with yours truly, Miss Brooke said she had a couple of gifts for TLR. I told her to send them my way; I'd be sure to pass them along.

Erica Campbell



Erica Campbell will actually be helping with the festivities. She's in charge of hair,



jewelry,



wardrobe, and,



uh, decor or something.

Megan Jones



Megan Jones wanted to sing "Happy Birthday, Mr. President" on the big day.



I didn't have the heart to tell her how far off she was.

Laetitia Casta



Miss Casta had a few honeymoon suggestions for the groom-to-be.



When I told her that she'd have to run it by the wife-to-be,



she wasn't very pleased.



In fact, she went to sulk in a corner. It's not too late to bail out, dude!

Kathy Lee



The Lone Reader wasn't very pleased when I told him that Kathy Lee might make the journey.



Well, until I said, "not that one, dude."

Zdenka Podkapova



In other news of the displeased, Zdenka voiced her frustrations with missing an opportunity to "get to know the guy."



When I told her that his fantasy was an evening in the sack with Roger Goodell and LeBron James, however, she couldn't have run away any faster.

(There's the weekly fix, y'all. It was all made possible by Gorilla Mask and Daily Niner, as usual.)
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Re-Open the Debate of Two

Occasional reader The Lone Reader has long been on the thoroughly sweaty jock of the Human Sponsorship Reel, aka LeBron James. No problem with that--James is a hell of a player, maybe the best in the league since Jordan. But along the way he feels it somehow necessary to debase the Nuggets, specifically Carmelo Anthony and Allen Iverson. Who knows why. My guess is that Canada slowly makes you crazy.

I've gently taken his stupid fucking opinion to task over the last year as something of a public service. After all, no one else on this board is gonna do it. So I'd just like to say, as of right now, the Nuggets are thumping King James and his cast of nobody by 20. Nothing to read from that--just up by 20. That's all.
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It's A Happy HoG New Year After All...Maybe

Please. Allow me. On behalf of the HoG staff, we really do hope the calendar keeps bringing happy holidays to you. And now, now that we're back from our international holiday travels (Editor's Note: Cecil and I didn't actually go anywhere; we just work and drink too much. And are lazy.), we can get back to those things that are really important here on the good ol' CyberNets. (Note: We hope Seven will join us when he returns from his I-must-snuggle-with-the-tundra-once-traversed-by-Viggo-Mortensen-induced jaunt).

Nevertheless, let me convey, precious readers, the events that signify badassery that have already occurred in this fair span of time we will heretofore refer to as Two Thousand Eight.

One)

This spectacle was indeed so incredible, that naming it won't do any justice. I will, however, set the scene: New Year's Day; gusts of wind and snow, 73,000 strong; national television; Ralph Wilson Stadium; two of hockey's most up-and-coming teams in today's NHL; overtime; a five-hole Sydney Crosby game-winning goal...it was incredible.

I realize that my colleagues, along with 99% of the HoG readership, don't give two squirts about hockey/think it's a joke/honestly believe that NASCAR and televised poker are more exciting. And that's fine. The game is better without their ignorance. But one has to appreciate the magnitude of this event. The organ music was blasting, prompting the masses to bellow "Let's go, Buffalo!" while Mike Emery, Darren Pang and Ed Olyck produced a flawless display of commentary and game-calling. Suffice it to say, that if you missed it, you really, really missed it.

Alright. So that one-man circle jerk left the Bankmeister happy. And on that same day, perhaps even as Crosby was beating Ryan Miller, one of Crosby's biggest fans/quite the HoG presence since its invocation, was getting stocking filled with an oft-desired holiday gift.

Two)

Yep. The Lone Reader is the man of whom I speak, and his fulfilled wish came in this form. I won't support the decision, but I certainly won't bash it either. Something had to give. And by something, I mean a lot of shit. Never in my 27 years of watching Chiefs football, have I experienced a season as miserable as this past one. And there've been some really bad ones (Note: see the entire '80s). Anyway, football season is officially over for the HoGers, but we'll secretly watch every moment of every playoff game, and probably prop ourselves up in front of a television when that Super Bowl thing hits the air waves.

Personally, I'm pulling for the five seed in the AFC and the six seed in the Nobody Freaking Cares. Mm-hmm. Jags/'Skins. That'd be a cool Bud Bowl. You know. 'Cause Jack Del Rio's club is pretty rad, and you've got to rally around Joe Gibbs, the memory of the Meast, and long-time Chiefs backup QB Todd Collins. Oh, and of course death and destruction to the Fetus and SmegmaBoy.

Anyhoo. May the new year bring health and happiness to the HoGnation. And by "health and happiness to the HoGnation," I mean enough traffic to this here IntraWebs locale that we can quit our jobs. Finally.

Oh. And the maybe part of the headline to this post is this: If the Chiefs (Herm) continue their ultra-unsuccessful, decades-long, good ol' boys hiring/re-hiring circle, and bring Paul Fucking Hackett back as O.C., I quit. For real. And forever. I will fucking nuke One Arrowhead Drive, so help me Christ.

Just sayin'.

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