Poring the Draft, V. 1

The combine started today. Pudgy functionaries measuring college-age kids in their underwear. Inordinate attention paid to things like "wingspan" and "explosiveness" and "character." The start of the annual two-month window wherein the phrase clears trash well means something other than what it really does. Christ, I love this time of year.


Anyway, there's more coming, but I'd just like to address a few salient points:

*Profootballtalk.com, which I once defended as if it rescued me from a potentially tragic canoe accident, has posted what has to be the most ridiculous mock draft--and yes, I'm aware of this sentence's inherent irony, so go on and chew a bagful of dicks--in the history of my attention span. Jordon Dizon going in the first round? Really? Mike Florio should share his drugs. Except that I worry they make you short.

*Jake Long is, in the mind of this amateur draft analyst who spent no more time working to back his opinion than you did stroking it in the shower this a.m., the safest pick in the draft. He supposedly gave up only two sacks in his career, which I'm almost sure is a lie (Mike McShay and his shiny teeth say Vernon Gholston beat him for three in the OSU game this year), but every lie has a soul of truth, and the guy is a freaking stud. Also supposedly only committed two penalties, which also sounds like a lie. But he definitely buried Florida's supposedly superior athletes in Michigan's bowl game and looks like Tony Mandarich's less-acnified cousin without the homoerotic SI cover (yet). A potential 10-year starter, and by all that ain't exactly holy if the Chefs won't fucking draft him. God. Damn. It