Midseason Report: NL East
Today’s selection is the National League East, and our divisional expert is Geoff Bousum. Unlike most of the anonymous cowards who shit on this blog, Mr. Bousum requested his full name accompany his words, if for no other reason than he may come up in a Google search some day. His Social Security number is 531-08-6911, he's from Philly and a diehard fan of the local teams.
You can find the Midseason Reports on the American League here: East, Central and West.
Old No. 7: Booze, your Phillies are 4 1/2 out at the break and sitting at .500. If I'd told you that in Spring Training would you have taken it, or were your hopes a little higher this year?
Geoff Bousum: I really had higher hopes for the Phils at this point in the season, but I guess .500 at the All-Star break is OK for a team about to lose their 10,000th game (Editor's Note: that loss finally happened). If you look at how this season has gone, I think the squad is lucky to be at .500 right now. I would have liked (and would still like to) see Charlie Manuel run the hell out of town. I think the greater Philadelphia area would agree with me. When he does go, could he please take our wooden-footed left fielder and his $13 million a year salary with him?
Old No. 7: You just returned from Coors Field, where you witnessed the Phillies' entire series with the Rockies. What are your impressions of this team right now, especially the pitching?
GB: Well, it's no secret that our bullpen stinks. The starting pitchers are doing OK, but when they can’t get through 5 or 6 innings, does it really matter? Look at the box score from the first two games (Friday, Saturday) of the Colorado series. We were good until about the 5th or 6th when the relief came in, and the Rockies had batting practice on us. Where the hell was (Ryan) Madson in those first two games? He is the only one I really trust right now as a reliever. Again, Charlie...what the fuck are you thinking? I mean, we are bringing in guys at key points in the games who are unheard of. I bet the average Philly fan could not name three of our relievers. I could blame the bad pitching on injuries, but let’s be honest here...Freddie “The Rock” Garcia sucked ass, as did our “veteran” (John) Leiber. I think this (Kyle) Kendrick kid is OK, and I’ll take (Cole) Hamels and (Jamie) Moyer...besides that, we stink on the mound and have the numbers to prove it.
Old No. 7: As an aside, what's your read on the Rockies? Can they make a run at the playoffs, in your opinion?
GB: The Rockies are certainly coming around. I do not think they will make the playoffs, mostly because the NL West is too good a division for them to go anywhere. If they could finish the season at .500 or better, that would be pretty big for the Rockies. Any Colorado fan should be happy with that. A playoff berth is expecting too much from that team this year. I will say, if Coors Field borrows any more stupid gimmicky chants and little stingers they play during the game, then I may never return. They play that fucking song from the Six-Flags commercial after a home run, and everyone gets up and dances like a bunch of faggots. I kept looking for Uncle Junior from The Sopranos to come out in a little tuxedo doing a dance. Also, do Rockies fans know what a rain delay is? On both Saturday and Sunday, it started raining, the tarp came out, and the stadium emptied. I think they all thought the game was over or something. I mean its Colorado for Pete's sake. It rains for 10 minutes and then it stops and the game continues.
Old No. 7: Back to the Phillies, their lineup of young hitters is about as good as anyone in baseball. Power is there, as is speed and average and patience and all that good stuff (Pat Burrell excepted). Is there any need to add a bat of any kind, or should all transaction efforts be strictly aimed at the rotation and/or bullpen?
GB: The Phils certainly do have some great power numbers, and what’s more, we are hitting with runners in scoring position (RISP). That had seemed to be our big problem in the past. We could use some help at 3rd and left field when it comes to the bats, but between (Abraham) Nunez, (Greg) Dobbs and the speedy (Michael) Bourn, we can probably get by. But to answer your question, I will say, no- we don’t need any bats. WE NEED PITCHING!!!! We will probably bring in some shitter and finish the year one game out of the wild-card spot (again). GO PHIGHTINS!!!!
Old No. 7: All right, settle down...let's talk about the Mets. I personally don't think they're as good as they were last year. They have a great lineup and issues with pitching--much like your Phillies. What are their weaknesses and how can their lead be overcome? Do you think Pedro Martinez will factor into the race?
GB: I agree, the Mets are underachievers this year. Their pitching is questionable, and they aren’t putting up runs like they did last year. From the Phillies' standpoint, there is only one way to overcome the Mets; that is to beat their asses. Yes, I do think Pedro will be a factor, but will he be enough of a factor? They were far more feared at this point last year.
Old No. 7: I'm sure you've heard that Rickey Henderson has been hired as the Mets' new hitting coach first base coach. Is he the best leadoff hitter you've ever seen?
GB: Ummmmm, yes? He was like fast and stuff.
Old No. 7: Once again, the Braves are hanging around (2 back of the Mets at the break). I fucking hate the Braves. There's no real reason, I just got sick of them always being good but never finishing. I haven't seen much of the current team (since I hate them and all)...tell me what they're all about and whether you think they'll be there at the end:
GB: Please. Don’t make me talk about the Braves. They will finish third, just like last year. They are the most tired team in baseball. The Braves are headed for a very dark place in future years. Think Atlanta Hawks. 
Old No. 7: Also once again, the Marlins are competitive despite having an employee payroll lower than your average Taco Bell. I think A-Rod's dry cleaning costs more than what the Marlins spend on players. These guys like cockroaches--many people have actively tried to kill the Florida Marlins and they never die. Why?
GB: Good ‘ol Marlins. Two World Series in less than 10 years? And they can’t even get 3,000 in attendance. How does this sound...”The Las Vegas Marlins”...kind of rolls off the tongue. Anyone?
Old No. 7: There's not much to say about the Nationals. You know how they have the giant sausage races in Milwaukee? In D.C. they do the same thing, only with huge oversized President heads. Which President do you think had the fastest time in the 40-yard dash?
GB: Dick Cheney.
Old No. 7: Do you miss the Expos?
GB: Like I miss scabies.
Old No. 7: Phillies legend Steve Carlton lives in our town, and we see him regularly out and about. I personally like to bug him a little bit, just to try and get a rise out of him--it's fun. I'm sure you're much more reverential around Lefty. Ever ask him for an autograph?
Old No. 7: I know you've been playing fantasy baseball for a little while now...how's that affected how you look at the game? I love fantasy football and I'll always play it, but I think baseball has it all over football for fantasy--more stats, more players involved, games every day, etc.
GB: Fantasy baseball is far superior to fantasy football. Yes, that’s right, I said it! Problem is that everyone is scared of baseball. People think you need to be a baseball expert to play fantasy baseball. It’s really just dumb luck, but what’s more is that it is fun. People liken you to a Dungeons & Dragons freak if you play fantasy baseball. If you enjoy following baseball at all…even a little, then you will surely enjoy fantasy baseball.
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