Thursday, July 30, 2009

Baseball in the Daytime: Slabs O' Suck

I'm not sure how I keep drawing six-packs of day baseball, but I'm into it. At least the matchups move around, and I'm not stuck with stroking the Cubs' Johnson every Friday. 'Cause, you know, that would suck. Since I mentioned suck, allow me to say that you've come to the right place, as there are significant heapings of sucky baseball on today's platter. Not every last bit of it sucks, but a solid 67 per cent of it should leave you about as aroused as a 350-pound trucker woman that wants to hop in the sack with you. And be on top.

Know who doesn't suck, though? This guy. That guy's name is SethfuckingSmith, and today is the first day of the season that the Iron Triangle must get behind the Colorado Rockies. I'm channeling Cecil to give up hopes on the Cubs. I'm paging Old No. 7 to forget about the tailspinning Media Rojos. It's time to get Rockuppied, and that shit begins and ends with SethfuckingSmith. He's hitting .292, slugging .486, has eight homers, 28 RsBI and has walked 32 times while only striking out twice more. And let's not forget an OPS of .882. Granted, this is only through 185 at bats, this is the guy. I tole y'all: the leftfielder's the sleeper. I haven't heard much noise since I threw the first shovelful of coals on the SethfuckingSmith fire, and I don't get it. He's stolen four bases, hit two triples. What more do you want? And then there's the number. LOOK AT HIS FUCKING UNIFORM NUMBER, for Pete's sake.

Anyway, day baseball, post-jump.

Colorado @ New York, 11:10 Central: With all of the post-Hurdle success the Rockies have had, they'll need a bit more if they want to make anything out of this season as they head into a double-header today at Citi Field. Your starting pitchers for the first half of the tilt are Jason Hammel for the visitors, Johan Santana for Los Mets, who've won four straight, but that hasn't been enough to get them back to .500. DirecTV carries the first half of this tilt on 735, while XM has it on 183. Lefties Jorge De La Rosa and Jonathan Niese try not to suck this evening.

Kansas City @ Baltimore, 11:35: Speaking of suck, the Royals can't decide if they want to suck worse than anyone in baseball or just almost. At this rate, the Nationals could easily catch them. Royal righty Luke Hochevar gets the nod today. He fanned 13 and walked none in his last outing giving him his sixth victory of the season. Brad Bergensen, his lefty counterpart today, also has six wins and a better E.R.A. (3.56 to Hoch's 4.84). KC took the first two of the four-game series, but in shocking developments, saw their bullpen blow a late-game lead last night. If you're into crummy, crummy baseball, tune in to DTV 736, or XM 176.

San Diego @ Cincinnati, 11:35: The beat of suck goes on with two National League righties next on the slate. This bad batch of day ball pits Whale's Vagina Tim Stauffer against Redleg Johnny Cueto. Both of these cats have kept their earned-run average under four. Stauffer seeks his first win while Cueto goes for number nine, number nine, number nine...It'd be another battle of last-placers if it wasn't for Pittsburgh, home of pedophiles-- I mean pierogies. DirecTV says "That game sucks so bad we'll not carry it." XM is a bit more sensitive; they'll have it on channel 184.

Oakland @ Boston, 12:35: Sticking with the theme of same-handed pitchers, it's Gio Gonzalez and Jon Lester in our first post-noon game of the day. Oakland's place in the basement has quite the cusion: They're 10 and-a-half back of third-place Seattle, 17 behind first-place Los Anaheim. Boston has seen the Yankees win eight of their last 10, giving the 'stripes a three-plus game lead over the Sox, so they'll need some of that Lester magic today at Fenway. Seven twenty-one and 722 are your DirecTV dials, while XMers can enjoy if they point their knobs at 177.

Washington @ Milwaukee, 1:05: Still more righties. It's J.D. Martin and Yovani Gallardo in the continued slate of suck. Gallardo's the exception with his 9-7/3.09, but his club has lost enough recent games to fall one game below .500. They're only four games out of first, but they've managed to let Houston into the fold, which really isn't good for business. Washington's won six of their last 10, bringing them to an even 27 games behind division-leading Philly, who I'm sure we'll hear about later, what with yesterday's trade with the Tribe. DirecTV 725 and 726 are your satellite television answers. If you're listenin', it's XM 185.

Houston @ Chicago, 1:20: To close the day-baseball gap, it's, yep, two more righties. The Astronauts trot Russ Ortiz to the mound while Kevin Hart toes the slab for the Cubs. Easily the most playoff-savory game on today's board, Ortiz looks to improve a 33-5/4.75, while Hart looks to keep a teammate or two hurt, thus keeping him in a starting job. The Cubs and Cardinals are tied for the lead in the N.L. Central, and Houston could do themselves a favor by getting the win this afternoon and getting back to the hotel to cheer for Hiroki Kuroda and the Dodgers tonight who visit St. Louis. Three choices, 307, 723, and 724 are your DirecTV options. One eight six is where you wanna be on XM.

And them're today's affairs, chillens. Unless you're in the Windy City, enjoy the slate of suck.