Baseball In The Daytime: July 22 2009

Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends, it just occasionally goes on break or misses deadlines and gets suspended. I'm back, all the steroid-masking-agents have been cleansed from my system, and the social disease has cleared up with the help of antibiotics. Thank you for all the cards and flowers.

Today in the majors, six--count 'em!--six games compete for your two eyeballs and two eardrums. Theoretically you could harness one TV channel or radio station to each orifice, then make a small incision in your temple to input a fifth game, then stick the Marlins-Padres contest straight up your ass. Or, just pick one. Your choice.

Selections, after the jump...

Milwaukee @ Pittsburgh, 10:35 Mountain This is around the time of year when Pirates games just get sad--attendance drops into the high triple digits, ushers quit caring where you sit, and some days they don't even bother watering the grass. But hey, that's no reason for you to miss out on an exciting afternoon in downtown Pittsburgh. Also, if you're an unaccompanied lady who needs a date to the game, Big Ben may be your Mr. Right. Jeff Suppan and Paul Maholm have been drafted to serve starting pitches in this one.

Baltimore @ NY Yankees, 11:05 The AL East is a strange bird. Although them Rays keep lurking in the shallows, it's pretty much been a two-team race since the Blue Jays remembered they were the Blue Jays and flew south for the summer. The Red Sox and Yanks keep bouncing around--they were tied for first on July 10, then Boston took three straight versus the Royals and the Yanks got broomed in Anaheim. Since the break, though, roles have reversed. The Sox have lost four straight, while The Bombers carry a season high five-game winning streak into today's matchup with Baltimore. Some cracker named Jason T. Berken starts for the O's--no idea if he wears a pubic wig. A.J. Burnett hurls likewise for the homers, he has no genitalia to speak of.

Chicago Cubs @ Philadelphia, 11:05 I had a funny Cubs story when I started to write this piece but it's since escaped me. Let's go with blah blah 101 years billy goat red tank top Bartman. Done and done. Big Z and Jamie Moyer start, and only one of those guys is the oldest living veteran of the War Against Poverty. Hint: It's Moyer.

Arizona @ Colorado, 1:10 Even though Jim Tracy is a magical winning wizard and has unlocked the secret of baseball in his underground cave, he somehow can not solve the Arizona Diamondbacks. Damn snakes. Since Tracy replaced Clint Hurdle May 29, the Rox have lost only four series. The first was to Houston, right after the firing--understandable, and Houston's not a bad team. They dropped sets to both LA clubs--again, not an issue, both are in first place. But over the Fourth of July, the Rockies dropped two of three to the D'Bags. Arizona is awful. They're ranked 13th in the NL in batting average (.248) and 12th in ERA (4.37). They have four good players on the whole team, and two of those guys are named Justin Upton. It is unacceptable to lose another series to these buffoons, yet here we are on the verge of witnessing just that. Ubaldo Jimenez assumes responsibility for averting this disaster, opposite Jon Garland.

Minnesota @ Oakland, 1:35 Every season sees lots of loony games, but I dare you, I double dog dare you to find one nuttier than the Twins-A's freak show on Monday night. The A's won after a furious late rally, or did they? Watch. Whatever, it's in the books, and the only way the Twins can retaliate is on the field, playing baseball, in the daytime. Glen Perkins and his large orchestra try to keep time against noted fly-fisherman Trevor Cahill.

Florida @ San Diego, 1:35 I sincerely hope you didn't try to stick this game up your ass, that would hurt. Watching it might induce similar pain, so just check the box score in tomorrow's fishwrap. Ricky Nolasco starts for the Marlins, and I always wonder about a grown man named Ricky. Just go with Dick, it's hard to find a good Dick these days--wait, what? Josh Geer tries to beat Dick Nolasco off with his repertoire of changeups and Vaseline. Don't let the ump catch you, and Play Ball!