Baseball in the Daytime: Get Your Gehrig Here

All of a sudden, the baseball-in-the-daytime slates are just jumping with action. Before you know it, unprofessional sports bloggers will have put together consecutive days with nothing else written about besides day baseball....chirp....chirp....

But enough about that. Let's forget all that's going on in baseball and talk about one lone douche nozzle in his one lone team uniform. I'll say this: I'm impressed that said guy tallied three hits yesterevening and went ahead and tied the durn thing. That way, after his next hit, the story will go away.

Your day baseball three-piece, a click away.

Minnesota @ Toronto, 11:35 Central: The right-handed Scott Baker takes the hill for the Twinkies today at the Rogers Centre. He looks to guide Minnesota to that familiar September spot known as second place in the A.L. Central. He'll also be seeking win number 14 on the season. Brett Cecil represents the home team today. He's gone 1-2 in his last three starts with a 10-plus E.R.A. His Blue Jays are good and buried in the East, a solid 28 games behind the Yankees. That, of course, is a stat no one cares about since everyone's too busy spanking it to Derek Jeter and Lou Gehrig. But this baseball game, which is actually already a few pitches underway, can be heard on XM 176.

Detroit @ Kansas City, 1:10: Don't look now Minnesota, but the Kansas City Royals are doing what they frequently tend to in September: help you out. The Royals have taken two of the first games against division-leading Detroit. In the heated desperation of avoiding 100 losses, KC has put together a little three-game win streak that started with their first win of the season (1-9) against the Angels. It's looking like Gil Meche and Brian Bannister might, and probably should, get shut down for the season, and so they seek starting help elsewhere, like Robinson Tejeda -- consecutive impressive starts with five IsP, six Ks, two BBs, and no hits on Friday; six IsP, eight Ks, two BBs, and one run last night -- and Lenny DiNardo, who gets the start today, having gone 10-5 with a 3.32 in AAA Omaha. His counterpart will be Jarrod Washburn of the Tigers, who seeks win number 10, and a chance to take one in the series. Also noteworthy: Billy Butler, who has four three-double games this season, now has 45 two-basers so far, joining the ranks of very few to tally that many at age 23 or younger. The list includes Lou Gehrig. (Editor's Note: B-more Oriole Brian Roberts joined even eliter company last night, become only the fourth player in history to have at least 50 doubles in three different campaigns. Lou Gehrig hit 52 of 'em in 1927.) DirecTV invites you aboard the Royals-Tigers express for a watch on the ol' 721. XM has it on 177.

Cincinnati @ Colorado, 2:10: A pair of under-.500 righties bring up the day-baseball caboose out at Coors Field. Jose Contreras gets the nod for the home team. Kip Wells goes for the Reds. These pitchers are noteworthy for two reasons: Contreras is possibly uglier than Vicente Padilla; Wells is a living example of what not to name your kid. What's more important, though, is that the Rockies are three games back of the Dodgers, so let's keep rootin' for these guys. And just for the record, SethfuckingSmith is hitting .317, slugging .566, second-best and best on the team, respectively. Eighty years ago, Lou Gehrig hit an even .300, slugged .584 on the season. In case you were wondering. Two-thirteen and 722 are your DirecTV notches. Catch the audio on XM 183.

That's your light-free three-piece suit of baseball. Enjoy.
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Baseball In The Daytime: Labour Day 2009

My standard line on holidays such as this is a congratulations to those lucky souls who have the day off, and a mockery of those who are at work. Because only loser idiots work on Labor Day. Of course, I always type this boilerplate joke from work, as I do this year. Sigh.

The good news, friends, is that I won't be here much longer. And there's lots and lots of day baseball on today. So much, in fact, that I won't even preview all of it. I'm simply going to tell you which games aren't being played under glorious natural sunshine, and then I'm going to risk a stabbing by deranged SoCal gang members by ripping on the Dodgers. Join us for the bloodshed, after the jump...

The only games being played after 5 p.m. Mountain are Texas @ Cleveland and the second installment of the Bay-Rays/Yankees doubleheader from The Stadium. Everything else is Baseball In The Daytime, God Bless America. ESPN used to saturate this holiday with wall-to-wall horsehide action, but they're wrapped up in some combination of tennis, college football, wakeboarding and Around The Horn.

Luckily the MLB Network has a couple games on. The Sox, Red and White, wrap up their four-game series with a reacharound affair at noon. MLBN also broadcasts that second game of the Yankee doubleheader at 6. You can catch Cubs-Pirates on WGN at 10:35, and of course you can check the local affiliate for the big-league club in your area.

With that, let's get to the dirty Dodgers. LA pulled a couple moves right before the August 31 deadline for acquiring players who can be playoff-eligible. They picked up Jim Thome, who promptly proclaimed he no longer owns a mitt and will pinch-hit only (way to be a team player, fatty). The Dodgers also obtained the services of starting pitcher Jon Garland. It was the second move that caught my eye with its fishiness.

First of all, LA desperately needs starting pitching. Why would a division rival help them out with a proven vet like Garland? What's more, the D'Bags picked up the remainder of Garland's salary--say what? The icing on the cake was that no other players were exchanged, the giveback from LA was the old Player To Be Named Later. A complete railroad job.

So Garland becomes a Dodger, and his first start is against...Arizona. Whom he defeats, as the D'Bags had to reach deep into the well for a spot start by the immortal Billy Buckner. Details are now trickling out about that Player To Be Named Later, it's minor-league infielder Tony Abreu. Now Abreu is good, and could easily start for Arizona next year at second, and that would make the trade justifiable. Except Abreu's contract situation is murky, and the Dodgers appear to have hoodwinked the D'Bags about it, and the whole thing may be called off.

What a complete crock of horseshit. What if the Dodgers--who currently lead the Rockies by 3 1/2 and close the season with a three-game series against Colorado at Chavez Ravine--win the NL West by a single game? What if home field for the NL playoffs--LA and St. Louis are currently tied for the league's best record, with Philly two games back--is decided by the same margin? This trade was shady to begin with, and now it turns out that it was a full-on con job. I'm calling shenanigans on the Dodgers.
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Baseball in the Daytime: Slabs O' Suck

I'm not sure how I keep drawing six-packs of day baseball, but I'm into it. At least the matchups move around, and I'm not stuck with stroking the Cubs' Johnson every Friday. 'Cause, you know, that would suck. Since I mentioned suck, allow me to say that you've come to the right place, as there are significant heapings of sucky baseball on today's platter. Not every last bit of it sucks, but a solid 67 per cent of it should leave you about as aroused as a 350-pound trucker woman that wants to hop in the sack with you. And be on top.

Know who doesn't suck, though? This guy. That guy's name is SethfuckingSmith, and today is the first day of the season that the Iron Triangle must get behind the Colorado Rockies. I'm channeling Cecil to give up hopes on the Cubs. I'm paging Old No. 7 to forget about the tailspinning Media Rojos. It's time to get Rockuppied, and that shit begins and ends with SethfuckingSmith. He's hitting .292, slugging .486, has eight homers, 28 RsBI and has walked 32 times while only striking out twice more. And let's not forget an OPS of .882. Granted, this is only through 185 at bats, this is the guy. I tole y'all: the leftfielder's the sleeper. I haven't heard much noise since I threw the first shovelful of coals on the SethfuckingSmith fire, and I don't get it. He's stolen four bases, hit two triples. What more do you want? And then there's the number. LOOK AT HIS FUCKING UNIFORM NUMBER, for Pete's sake.

Anyway, day baseball, post-jump.

Colorado @ New York, 11:10 Central: With all of the post-Hurdle success the Rockies have had, they'll need a bit more if they want to make anything out of this season as they head into a double-header today at Citi Field. Your starting pitchers for the first half of the tilt are Jason Hammel for the visitors, Johan Santana for Los Mets, who've won four straight, but that hasn't been enough to get them back to .500. DirecTV carries the first half of this tilt on 735, while XM has it on 183. Lefties Jorge De La Rosa and Jonathan Niese try not to suck this evening.

Kansas City @ Baltimore, 11:35: Speaking of suck, the Royals can't decide if they want to suck worse than anyone in baseball or just almost. At this rate, the Nationals could easily catch them. Royal righty Luke Hochevar gets the nod today. He fanned 13 and walked none in his last outing giving him his sixth victory of the season. Brad Bergensen, his lefty counterpart today, also has six wins and a better E.R.A. (3.56 to Hoch's 4.84). KC took the first two of the four-game series, but in shocking developments, saw their bullpen blow a late-game lead last night. If you're into crummy, crummy baseball, tune in to DTV 736, or XM 176.

San Diego @ Cincinnati, 11:35: The beat of suck goes on with two National League righties next on the slate. This bad batch of day ball pits Whale's Vagina Tim Stauffer against Redleg Johnny Cueto. Both of these cats have kept their earned-run average under four. Stauffer seeks his first win while Cueto goes for number nine, number nine, number nine...It'd be another battle of last-placers if it wasn't for Pittsburgh, home of pedophiles-- I mean pierogies. DirecTV says "That game sucks so bad we'll not carry it." XM is a bit more sensitive; they'll have it on channel 184.

Oakland @ Boston, 12:35: Sticking with the theme of same-handed pitchers, it's Gio Gonzalez and Jon Lester in our first post-noon game of the day. Oakland's place in the basement has quite the cusion: They're 10 and-a-half back of third-place Seattle, 17 behind first-place Los Anaheim. Boston has seen the Yankees win eight of their last 10, giving the 'stripes a three-plus game lead over the Sox, so they'll need some of that Lester magic today at Fenway. Seven twenty-one and 722 are your DirecTV dials, while XMers can enjoy if they point their knobs at 177.

Washington @ Milwaukee, 1:05: Still more righties. It's J.D. Martin and Yovani Gallardo in the continued slate of suck. Gallardo's the exception with his 9-7/3.09, but his club has lost enough recent games to fall one game below .500. They're only four games out of first, but they've managed to let Houston into the fold, which really isn't good for business. Washington's won six of their last 10, bringing them to an even 27 games behind division-leading Philly, who I'm sure we'll hear about later, what with yesterday's trade with the Tribe. DirecTV 725 and 726 are your satellite television answers. If you're listenin', it's XM 185.

Houston @ Chicago, 1:20: To close the day-baseball gap, it's, yep, two more righties. The Astronauts trot Russ Ortiz to the mound while Kevin Hart toes the slab for the Cubs. Easily the most playoff-savory game on today's board, Ortiz looks to improve a 33-5/4.75, while Hart looks to keep a teammate or two hurt, thus keeping him in a starting job. The Cubs and Cardinals are tied for the lead in the N.L. Central, and Houston could do themselves a favor by getting the win this afternoon and getting back to the hotel to cheer for Hiroki Kuroda and the Dodgers tonight who visit St. Louis. Three choices, 307, 723, and 724 are your DirecTV options. One eight six is where you wanna be on XM.

And them're today's affairs, chillens. Unless you're in the Windy City, enjoy the slate of suck.
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Baseball In The Daytime: July 22 2009

Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends, it just occasionally goes on break or misses deadlines and gets suspended. I'm back, all the steroid-masking-agents have been cleansed from my system, and the social disease has cleared up with the help of antibiotics. Thank you for all the cards and flowers.

Today in the majors, six--count 'em!--six games compete for your two eyeballs and two eardrums. Theoretically you could harness one TV channel or radio station to each orifice, then make a small incision in your temple to input a fifth game, then stick the Marlins-Padres contest straight up your ass. Or, just pick one. Your choice.

Selections, after the jump...

Milwaukee @ Pittsburgh, 10:35 Mountain This is around the time of year when Pirates games just get sad--attendance drops into the high triple digits, ushers quit caring where you sit, and some days they don't even bother watering the grass. But hey, that's no reason for you to miss out on an exciting afternoon in downtown Pittsburgh. Also, if you're an unaccompanied lady who needs a date to the game, Big Ben may be your Mr. Right. Jeff Suppan and Paul Maholm have been drafted to serve starting pitches in this one.

Baltimore @ NY Yankees, 11:05 The AL East is a strange bird. Although them Rays keep lurking in the shallows, it's pretty much been a two-team race since the Blue Jays remembered they were the Blue Jays and flew south for the summer. The Red Sox and Yanks keep bouncing around--they were tied for first on July 10, then Boston took three straight versus the Royals and the Yanks got broomed in Anaheim. Since the break, though, roles have reversed. The Sox have lost four straight, while The Bombers carry a season high five-game winning streak into today's matchup with Baltimore. Some cracker named Jason T. Berken starts for the O's--no idea if he wears a pubic wig. A.J. Burnett hurls likewise for the homers, he has no genitalia to speak of.

Chicago Cubs @ Philadelphia, 11:05 I had a funny Cubs story when I started to write this piece but it's since escaped me. Let's go with blah blah 101 years billy goat red tank top Bartman. Done and done. Big Z and Jamie Moyer start, and only one of those guys is the oldest living veteran of the War Against Poverty. Hint: It's Moyer.

Arizona @ Colorado, 1:10 Even though Jim Tracy is a magical winning wizard and has unlocked the secret of baseball in his underground cave, he somehow can not solve the Arizona Diamondbacks. Damn snakes. Since Tracy replaced Clint Hurdle May 29, the Rox have lost only four series. The first was to Houston, right after the firing--understandable, and Houston's not a bad team. They dropped sets to both LA clubs--again, not an issue, both are in first place. But over the Fourth of July, the Rockies dropped two of three to the D'Bags. Arizona is awful. They're ranked 13th in the NL in batting average (.248) and 12th in ERA (4.37). They have four good players on the whole team, and two of those guys are named Justin Upton. It is unacceptable to lose another series to these buffoons, yet here we are on the verge of witnessing just that. Ubaldo Jimenez assumes responsibility for averting this disaster, opposite Jon Garland.

Minnesota @ Oakland, 1:35 Every season sees lots of loony games, but I dare you, I double dog dare you to find one nuttier than the Twins-A's freak show on Monday night. The A's won after a furious late rally, or did they? Watch. Whatever, it's in the books, and the only way the Twins can retaliate is on the field, playing baseball, in the daytime. Glen Perkins and his large orchestra try to keep time against noted fly-fisherman Trevor Cahill.

Florida @ San Diego, 1:35 I sincerely hope you didn't try to stick this game up your ass, that would hurt. Watching it might induce similar pain, so just check the box score in tomorrow's fishwrap. Ricky Nolasco starts for the Marlins, and I always wonder about a grown man named Ricky. Just go with Dick, it's hard to find a good Dick these days--wait, what? Josh Geer tries to beat Dick Nolasco off with his repertoire of changeups and Vaseline. Don't let the ump catch you, and Play Ball!
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Baseball in the Daytime: 6-18-09

At the tippy-top of the calendar year, I made a suggestion to the boys that I'd take the Tuesday/Thursday BitD write-ups, and Old No. 7 could have the M-W-F end of things. I figured it might be a wise idea, what with the whole baby thing and whatnot, plus these posts can occasionally be fun to put together.

Well, today's no exception, folks. We've got a mostly interleague variety on tap and there're seven affairs taking place in dark bullpens and on rounded mounds in your neighborhood, so fine-tune your modems and get the crackle out of your speakers, it's time to ingest a healthy dose of day baseball.

After the jump, of course.

Braves @ Redlegs, 11:35 Central: Our lone National League affair comes as an Interleague appetizer today, and you'll find it delightful as righty Tommy Hanson takes the hill for visiting Atlanta, while lefty Matt Maloney represents the home club at Great American Ball Park. Cincinnati's managed to put together consecutive wins after getting swept over the weekend, while the A-T-L looks to snap a four-game skid. DirecTV has the action on channel 721 while XM carries the tune over on 183.

Nats @ Yanks, 12:05: Our first Interleague bout of the day pits a visiting lefty (Craig Stammen) against a home-team right (Joba Chamberlain). Neither one of these fellas has had a spectacular start to 2009 as Stammen still seeks win number one while Chamberlain has struggled to live up to some of the pinstripe hype that hovered around him late last year. Washington is the last team seeking win number 20, but hang on: they'll need to win two more before they can set their sights on that goal. New York, on the other hand, finds themselves three games back of Boston over in the A.L. East. DirecTV 722 and 723; XM 176.

Jays @ Phils, 12:05: Brad Mills and Joe Blanton go toe to toe in tilt number three this fine Thursday. Toronto sends Mills to the hills for his MLB debut, and hopes to see a quality start out of the guy, as they're only a pair behind the Yankees. Philadelphia, having lost two and a row and six of their last 10, still has a three-game lead over Los Mets in the N.L. East, but could use a win today from the hefty Blanton at Citizens Bank Park, who in his last four starts has gone 2-0 with a 2.00 E.R.A., and a 28-6 K-to-BB ratio. Catch this one on DirecTV 724. XM has it on 184.

Pirates @ Twinkies, 12:10: Today's affair at the Metrodome would be a dandy if the Metrodome wasn't such a giant piece of shit. Either way, both clubs are sending out one of their better pitchers in lefty Zach Duke for Pittsburgh and righty Nick Blackburn for the home club. Both fellas have kept their E.R.A.'s respectable and their W-L records above .500. Minnesota has quietly crept up on Detroit in the A.L. Central, while the Bucs have been doing their quite-near-the-basement N.L. Central hovering. Catch the thrills on XM 177 as DirecTV apparently hates the Hubert H. Humphrey as well.

Stockings @ Cubbies, 1:20: It's Gavin Floyd and Carlos Zambrano in the battle of North vs. South. In the N.L. Central, the Baby Bears have quietly slipped into fourth place while the White Sox have put together three in a row and are knocking on the Twins' back door. And yes, that's as gay as it sounded 'cause screw the Twins and the Sox. Speaking of gay, look for Ozzie Guillen and Lou Piniella to make out during the seventh-inning stretch. Look for it on DirecTV 307, 725, or 726. Or listen for their manly saliva swap on XM 185.

Rays @ Rox, 2:10: It's a battle of the flukes in our next-to-last tilt. The 2008 runners-up take on the second-place club from 2007 out at Coors Field this afternoon, and don't call it a comeback: both of these clubs have started to remember how to play baseball as of late. Though they still've a half-dozen games separating them and division-leading Boston, the Rays have climbed over the .500 mark, and the Rockies could very well be looking for their 14th consecutive win if some jerk hadn't jinxed their streak. Oh well. It'll be righties Matt Garza and Ubaldo Jimenez toeing the slab today. They'll do so on DirecTV 727 and 728, while XM'll let you listen in on 186.

Mariners @ Pads, 2:35: One more pair of right-handers to cap things today. The winless Brandon Morrow heads to the mound for Seattle and hopes that his E.R.A. doesn't creep over the six mark while Josh Geer is already there, but at least he's 1-2. Right? Anwyay, Both of these clubs have seen their share of struggles in the last three weeks, and it's cost Seattle significant ground in the A.L. West as they were on top for much of April and May. San Diego, at 14 1/2 back, showed some fire out of the gates, but there was quickly a bucket of what dumped on that inferno. DirecTV says they have it on 729, but I'll bet they're lying. As for XM, they'll carry the signal on channel 187.

There you go, ya' day baseball hounds. Enjoy.
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