Wednesday, July 25, 2007

We Are Hot Chicks: Learning The Lesson Can Be Hard

As reported in yesterday's Tradition Tuesday post, the Broncos (along with the rest of the dadburned NFL) report to training camp this week. On the sweltering fields of Dove Valley will be dozens of big fat sweaty dudes looking for a j.o.b. Some will be highly paid returning starters going through the motions, while others will be castoffs from other teams trying to catch on in Denver.

Finally, we'll have the rookies, fresh-faced lads just out of college. Most of them have been the best player on whatever team they graced, but now they're chucked into a furnace of no-compromise scrutiny and criticism.

When we attend games at Invesco this fall, we'll watch these rooks during the game, and when they're taking a break we'll watch some other rookies strut their stuff--the newest Denver Broncos cheerleaders. Following some truly stunning developments at this year's auditions, the squad is strapped with lots of new talent. Can they succeed? Let's find out...

Our first newcomer is Kaoruko Horiike, who's like from Asia or something. I like Chinese food as much as the next guy, but Ms. Horiike is all forehead and no rack. I compare her to the undrafted free agent kicker from Virginia Tech, Brandon Pace. If the cheerleaders had the same training camp as the football players, Horiike would be on the same bus out of camp as Brandon.

Next up is Mary Johnston. Now I'm not going to turn this into a Gregg Easterbrook Cheerleader of the Week disaster, where I overanalyze the biographical information as a justification for ogling Mary Johnston's tits. Mary Johnston chose to try out for this team, just as Roderick Rogers chose to declare for the NFL Draft. So if I can point out that Roderick Rogers is a step slow to play safety in the League, I can also point out that Mary Johnston is cursed with excessive gums and could use a little artificial augmentation.

Sara Oliver is a married fifth-grade teacher. For a cheerleader, that's a bit abnormal, and some less enlightened than myself might call it "baggage." Bronco rookie Marcus Thomas brings his own baggage to the season, what with the third-degree marijuana habit and dismissal from the LSU football team. But I have high hopes for both Sara and Marcus--even though they're both a bit heavy, I can see both making big-time contributions this season.

Another fresh face is Jamie Dukehart-Conti. She says she's from Arvada, but that's a blatant lie--the hairdo and stance scream Texas. And just like second-round pick Tim Crowder, a defensive tackle from UT, I'm predisposed to dislike her for her Longhorn roots but willing to give her a chance if she can perform in the clutch.

Look, all of these broads look fantastic from the 500 level. And just like a missed blocking assignment from ex-CU center Mark Fenton may go unnoticed by the layman, the considerable flaws evident on the visage of Katie Layman may slip by more desperate men. Fenton is not strong enough to hang in the AFC West, and Layman has the nose of a heavyweight boxer. Yikes.

Growing up, we all had a friend who's mom was hot. Nicole Moore could be your buddy's hot mom, if your buddy's house had wheels and a meth lab in the kitchen. I'm starting to think that this exercise of comparing the rookie cheerleaders to the rookie players is a huge jinx on the Broncos.

Whoa-ho, doctor! Was I ever wrong. Saving the rookie class is Rebecca Bolan, a super-cutie straight out of Aurora. I'll pair her up with Ryan Harris, my man-crush offensive tackle the Broncos took in the fourth round out of Notre Dame. In Rebecca's bio she says she "loves to tickle he little nephew." That's funny, because I'm tickling mine as well.

Next in line is Shelby Britton, who looks like she was selected because someone lost a bet. Jesus. She says her favorite book is Pride & Prejudice, because P&P is always the book that former fat girls can relate to. I'll make the hasty pairing of Shelby and receiver Marquay McDaniel (sorry Marquay, I'm sure you're a nice guy) and let's just move on.

The unquestioned first-round pick of this class, the Jarvis Moss if you will, is Jessie Greenberg. Ms. Greenberg is a diamond dealer during the week, and that sentence is not at all Jewish. She sports an awesome set of cans, or at least I assume if you unstrapped that unwieldy bodice you'd get a beautiful nipple in the eye. I'll bet you a million sheqels that Jesse's a raging bitch, but I couldn't care less. If she'll just mesmerize me with her Hebrew goddessness all season, and Jarvis Moss can collect ten sacks, I'll love 'em both unconditionally. Except for the above conditions, of course.

Bringing up the caboose of this project is Valerie Scott. Although it's nice to add a little chocolate for dessert, Ms. Scott is a little frail for my tastes. Not to mention bat shit crazy. When asked which two people she'd like to have dinner with, she answered (noted cross-dresser) Tyler Perry and (Federal Reserve chairman) Ben Bernanke. That is without a doubt the shittiest dinner table I could ever imagine. Valerie, meet Selvin Young, the rookie RB out of the University of Texas. You two have fun.

4 comments:

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Brutal!

Commish CH said...

Ahh the days of white leather chaps are upon us

waveland21 said...

Did you say Arvada?

I'm pretty sure that girl has kicked me in the balls.

Cecil said...

Dude, that might be some of your finest work. Bra-fuckin-vo.