This clip has it all: Pre-microwave-oven-invention championship appearances, Denver dashing, old-school violence against the Raiders, 65 Toss Power Trap, and most of all, hope.
(courtesy of Arrowhead Pride)
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Been away from this feature for a minute. Had the bye-week blues a couple of weeks ago, and my Jaguars contact blew me off last week, so please forgive me. Sleeping with the Enemy is back, however, just in time for Raider Week, the sequel. This week we sat down with none other than Elwyn Grimes, Jr., who dons the Silver and Black on Sundays.
There was a time when we battled one another in the same fantasy league and talked smack on the message board. Now we do the same on Facebook, and hate each other's teams just as much as ever.
Our conversation, a mere click away.
Bankmeister: Let's get the Hot time, summer in the city. Back o' my neck gettin' dirty and gritty outta the way first. Are you from the Oaktown?
Elwyn Grimes, Jr.: Nope. Born and raised in Kansas City.
B: I see. So the obvious question then, is, how'd you become a Raiders fan?
E.G.: I'd have to say it was the first football game I remember watching, which would've been XV.
B: Raiders/Eagles? Heh. That was my first game, too.
E.G.: Yeah. And I've been hooked ever since. There was a time, though, when I would cheer for both the Chiefs and the Raiders--
B: Root for two squads in the same division? Unpossible!
E.G.: It seemed like everyone in Kansas City felt compelled to tell me that I couldn't be a Raiders fan. That and the, uh, oh, what was that Lin Elliot game where they had home field throughout?
B: Ah. Well, there were three occasions in which they've been 13-3 with a first-round bye, home-field advantage throughout the playoffs and gone home after one contest. The Lin Elliot year would be 1995, a 10-7 loss to the Colts.
E.G.: That's the one.
B: The other came in 1997 when the Broncos and Chiefs played each other for the only time in playoff history, and Denver knocked us off 14-10. Granted, they got some road cookin' goin' on in the form of a nullified Tony Gonzalez touchdown catch, but it wouldn't be a Broncos game without that kinda grease on the gears.
It happened again in 2003 when the Colts won again at Arrowhead in a puntless shootout. But what're some of your other sports teams?
E.G.: As far as baseball, I'm a Royals fan first, BoSox second. I like KU basketball and KU and Miami for college football.
B: Miami? For reals?
E.G.: Yeah. I think it was that 1984 Orange Bowl 
when they beat Nebraska that sealed the deal for me.
B: So pick your poison: college or pro ball.
E.G.: Well, I liked the pros better than college for the longest time. Now it's kinda swung back in the other direction. I dunno if it's because the Raiders have been so bad for a decade or what. It's tough, though. They had so many good players back than. And both clubs did in that Super Bowl: Mike Quick, Harold Carmichael, Jim Plunkett, Wilbur Montgomery, Cliff Branch.
B: What about your hatred for Notre Dame? Are you one of these guys that hates them because of the television contract?
E.G.: I suppose the TV stuff has fueled my hatred for them, but before that it was games like the one in which they beat Miami on the last-second failed two-point conversion in South Bend. There was a fight in the tunnel before the game. It was especially tough because Miami had crushed 'em 45-10 the previous year. That was the game where they had the Catholics vs. Convicts t-shirts.
But also, I never liked Lou Holtz. He irritates me.
B: Why? How can you hate Lou?
E.G.: Probably just because of his Notre Dame affiliation. If he'd never been there, been somewhere else, I'd probably like him.
But there was also the '88 national title, the time they beat Tennessee on a last-second touchdown in like '91 or '92. I just don't like 'em.
B: Fair enough. Getting back to the NFL, though, what're your top three Raider memories?
E.G.: Well, the Super Bowl against the Redskins for sure. In 1983. Jack Squirek had an interception before halftime and ran it in. There was a Tyrone Wheatley touchdown in Kansas City, which happened to be the first Raiders/Chiefs game I attended. We actually won that one. It had to've been around 2000, I think. And then the other is from that same Super Bowl: the Marcus Allen 79-yard touchdown run.
B: Okay. Since a lot of your Raiders talk is Super Bowl-related, let's talk about the Pirate Bowl, the Raiders/Bucs matchup of 2002.
E.G.: Ugh. When the playoffs started that was the one team I didn't want the Raiders to face. I thought Tampa was the one squad that could give the Raiders trouble. It was a hunch that proved right; I stopped watching about halfway through the fourth quarter.
B: That was really a bizarre matchup. I'm sure you remember that it was, of course, a way for Jon Gruden to spit in Al Davis' face. What was the craziest thing, though, was all of that footage in the off week of him taking snaps under center and mirroring Rich Gannon's tendencies for his defensive unit.
E.G.: Yeah. He was a well-prepared coach. I absolutely loved Jon Gruden.
B: Things really seemed to go downhill for Oakland after that. What do you think happened?
E.G.: Well, there are, I think, three things that you can identify that've lead to the Raiders demise. One is letting go of Gruden. Two is Gannon's neck injury that pretty much ended his career. And the third is the Tuck Rule.
B: 'Scuse me?
E.G.: Well, if that doesn't happen--
B: Wait. We're talking Oakland/New England in the snow in Foxboro. Tom Brady, right?
E.G.: Exactly. I think if that play doesn't happen, the Raiders go to the Super Bowl, probably win it, and have success beyond that season. I truly, truly believe that.
B: Why?
E.G.: Well, I think if it doesn't happen, then Al Davis doesn't feel desperate after. He remains capable of making rational decisions.
B: Huh. Fascinating. Since you brought that up, I was listening to the SportsTalk Radios today, and someone made the comment that they often wondered if Al Davis was intentionally running his franchise into the ground. They said that his business simply isn't good for the NFL, and they wondered if the league would ever step in and assume control of the franchise to better the league's image.
E.G.: Well, that's probably just wishful thinking. I think Al Davis still thinks he's doing what's best for the organization.
B: Okay. What were your thoughts on the Lane Kiffin regime?
E.G.: I thought it was a strange hire. He was good at developing quarterbacks, but I would never take a college offensive coordinator in and make him a head coach at the pro level. If you're groomin' him it's one thing, but NCAA O.C. to NFL H.C. is a Quantam Leap. That's why it was a strange hire, but it was a good hire in contrast to the second coming of Art Shell, who hired a defensive coordinator that'd been running a bed and breakfast.
B: That ain't no lie. What about firing Kiffin, though? Naturally, the argument there is that he wasn't given nearly enough time to prove he wasn't cut out for the job.
E.G.: I think that was Al Davis' paranoia more than anything else.
B: Did you watch that press conference?
E.G.: No. I saw part of it. I just remember a whole lot of "he wasn't who I thought I'd hired."
B: The next time you have a minute, you've got to watch the whole thing. Al Davis is a fascinating creature.
(Editor's Note: Also available in parts I, II, III, VI, and V)
E.G.: He is. I remember hearing that, 10 minutes before the Tom Cable hiring, Davis leaned over to an assistant and pointed to Cable's name in the media guide and said, "Who's this guy again?"
B: Wow. That's amazing.
E.G.: What's even worse was when Cable was the interim coach. Davis didn't like what certain reporters were writing so he started banning them from the press box. Eventually the NFL stepped in and, basically, they were like, "Dude -- you cannot ban people from the press box."
B: Well, all of that behavior sort of certifies the ongoing claim that the man is senile. There's even the latest claim from the organization against ESPN, that it has continued to paint the Raiders in a negative light.
E.G.: Yeah. That's just Al Davis spilling into the media.
B: The stories really go on. You have post-retirement Warren Sapp saying that Davis would call down to the field and allegedly say "We're going deep on this next one."
E.G.: I tend to believe it. He's got his hands in every part of what happens out there. He's a hard guy to figure out. He wants to be seen as a maverick.
B: Well, and he was. Thirty years ago.
E.G.: Exactly, but now, I mean...there's a time to pick your battles. There comes a time when you have to realize that maybe doing things your way isn't the best way, but he refuses to do any differently. I liked Warren Sapp when he was happy, but how many Raiders players stay happy? I remember him saying after he retired: "Whatever you do, you do not want to go play for Oakland."
B: Was Gruden the best coach you've seen in your lifetime?
E.G.: (pauses) No. Well...I still have to give the nod to Tom Flores and his two Super Bowl wins.
B: How much Monday Night Football have you watched in the last 10 years?
E.G.: A lot. Probably 85-90 percent of the games.
B: Tell me about Gruden in the booth. I feel like for a long time the MNF duo was solid, and then they changed it up and it's been pretty shitty. I think Gruden's awesome, but I've also heard some gripes.
E.G.: I think he's really good and most people I talk to agree. I hated Cornheiser. Theismann was alright. I mean, he was better than Dennis Miller, and I liked their attempt with Miller.
B: Speaking of changes, somebody once told me: "You can change your religion, your spouse, and your sex, but you can never, ever change your team." Agree or disagree?
E.G.: I can't imagine ever not being a Raiders fan. I mean, it'd be a lot easier to be a Steelers fan right now. But I'd never be a Pats fan.
B: Why not?
E.G.: Pats fans are arrogant. Fan bases like theirs have such a sense of entitlement, like everything's ours to lose.
B: What about some of the characters that have been on your team's roster in recent years? Guys like Javon Walker.
E.G.: It used to be that misfits and miscasts were brought together as a team, but that doesn't work anymore.
B: I would look no further than this year's Washington Redskins.
E.G.: Yeah. They just don't mesh well. Guys like Walker, DeAngelo Hall -- who they cut after eight games -- Gibril Wilson, Tommy Kelly.
B: What about the Richard Seymour signing?
E.G.: For a second I thought he could bring a different attitude, be a unifying force, but the culture of that locker room is so fractured that not even a Pro Bowl/Super Bowl resume can bind things together.
B: This is all leading us in the direction of your leader, your key figure.
E.G.: Oh. I feel a headache coming on...
B: JaMarcus Russell. It's quite possible that he could finish the season with the worst completion percentage in NFL history.
E.G.: That's probably pretty accurate.
B: What went wrong there? Has he hit his ceiling? Is he a product of his environment? Just plain simply a bad pick?
E.G.: He was a one-year starter at LSU. He put up incredible numbers and has an awesome arm. But I think he's incapable of reading a defense. It's the same thing as with Ryan Leaf. Maybe worse than Ryan Leaf. God, is that even possible? Yes. It is. He's clearly that bad.
I just don't think he has the tools to be an NFL quarterback. He's awful. Awful.
B: I don't get to see a lot of Raiders games, but I caught the one against Denver, and the first contest against the Chiefs. He looked outright terrible. Throwing five yards behind guys, hitting the ground...Do you get to see many games?
E.G.: Not a lot. I listen to the radio via the Web, and catch what I can on TV and Sportscenter.
B: How is it that he was that good in college, but this bad in the pros?
E.G.: I have no idea. I mean, it's the same thing as Robert Gallery.
B: Wait a minute. Gallery's played decent.
E.G.: Yeah. As a right guard. But they brought him in as a left tackle and that's the same mistake they made with Russell: They looked at nothing more than one year of film and made their decision on that, but that's the rudderless ship that is the Oakland Raiders.
B: Do you take a lot of grief in KC as a Raiders fan?
E.G.: I catch all sorts of hell, but mostly in good fun. I tend to give as good as I get.
B: Have you had any negative experiences at Arrowhead? Do you go out their and represent the Silver and Black?
E.G.: I've been to three or four games in my Raiders gear. Nothing real, real bad has happened for the most part.
B: What about home games? You ever been to one in Oakland? Is it as bad as the rumours suggest?
E.G.: That's something I really wanna do is go to a game at the Black Hole.
B: What've you heard from those who have? I've heard stories from fans about security suggesting late-fourth-quarter escorts to visiting fans. Trent Green has said that that's the one stadium in the league where his family was not allowed to sit in non-box seats.
E.G.: I've heard 'em all. I've heard those stories and others where people have gone and had no problem. I think some of it gets blown out of proportion.
B: Let's talk division hatred. Who do you despise the most?
E.G.: Well, the Chiefs are on top, far and away. When you live in KC, you hear Chiefs fans all the time, and over the last 15 years, the Chiefs have really had the Raiders' number, so I hate them the most. Then the Broncos, then the Chargers.
B: Really? Even with things as they are right now? Chargers are last?
E.G.: The Chargers pop up every five years. They're there. Then they're gone. They're just there. When LaDainian Tomlinson's gone, they'll fall off even more.
B: I think you could make the argument that he's gone already, but whatever. What're your thoughts on Denver?
E.G.: Who's their owner? Pat Bowlen? I think he's one of the better owners in the league, so I can't fault them there. I certainly hated John Elway and Shannon Sharpe and Bill Romanowski (when he was there). And Shanahan, too. He had the Raiders' number.
B: You ever hear about the bit in Shanahan's book where he claims that Al Davis still owes him like $300 grand, and that Shanahan wants Davis to donate it to the Oakland public schools or something?
E.G.: No. I haven't heard that, but it wouldn't be a terrible stretch of the imagination for Al Davis to still owe him some money.
B: How does this division shake up at the end of this season?
E.G.: Chargers win, Broncos second, Raiders in third, Chiefs last.
B: And next year? Repeat?
E.G.: I think they'll flip flop at the top, but the Chiefs and Raiders will still battle for the basement.
B: How about this Sunday's game?
E.G.: I think it'll be a really poor display of football. They've won in each other's stadiums for some time now, but I have a hard time believing the Chiefs pull it out. They are just not talented in a lot of areas, and I haven't seen anything out of the Chiefs defense to lead me to believe they'll rise up.
B: And Oakland is?
E.G.: The Raiders are talented but they don't work well together. They just run the ball.
B: Who will we see a lot of? Both Bush and Fargas?
E.G.: Yeah. Both, but again, that's because JaMarcus Russell is so bad. So bad at throwing the ball.
B: Score prediction?
E.G.: Thirteen-10, Raiders.
B: Any thoughts on this new Kansas City regime?
E.G.: Well, when Carl Peterson first got here, up until about 2006, I think he had the best intentions. I really think he was trying to win a championship for Lamar. But to be successful, everything from the top down has to fall into place. They never found that complete balance.
B: If you took over for Al Davis tomorrow, and you had to choose between the second coming of Art Shell and Herman Edwards to coach you team, who would you pick?
E.G.: I can't go with the first version of Art Shell?
B: Nope.
E.G.: I guess I go with Herm.
B: Did he get a fair shake in KC?
E.G.: Yeah. I think he probably did.
B: So what about Scott Pioli hiring Todd Haley to be his head coach who had but two years as a coordinator versus the New York Jets hiring Herman Edwards to coach their team when he'd only been a defensive backs/linebackers coach. Is the time logged as a coordinator that big?
E.G.: Taking that step to coordinator might be that huge. You're working with not just the intricacies of one position but the whole thing working together as a unit.
B: Will Herm ever get a head coaching job in the NFL again?
E.G.: No, not without some other steps. He'll be a DC somewhere, and maybe then as a head coach. Not directly.
B: How long should Haley get?
E.G.: At least three seasons. He has to be given a chance to get players on board, schemes implemented, unless of course you see a big step backwards.
That being said, Cable should be gone.
B: Really? Already? Who do you like?
E.G.: I wanted Dick LeBeau, but as I said, it's a rudderless ship out there.
B: Well thanks for stopping by. I, for the record, am saying that KC wins this one, 23-16.
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I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I'm no NFL Draft whiz; I don't know my college players all that well. I do recognize, however, the difference between taking a kicker in the fifth round, (especially when there's a better one already on the roster, and a better one still on the board) and taking one with the very last pick in the entire draft. And that's just one reason why there might be some promise that the Scott Pioli/Todd Haley regime could be doing things the right way. But this isn't about place kickers. Granted, I'm glad to have a decent one on the roster, but more important: It's about victory.
Yesterday's 14-6 win over the offensively inept Washington Redskins wasn't an entirely lousy football game, but it was pretty close. And you know what? I'm just fine with that. Naturally, I don't want games like that every week. I'll take them over losses, but I like touchdowns. I like blowouts. I'd like for my running back to go off. But more than anything, I like winning.
In the grand scheme, this is a pretty cockamamie football week. It's one of those weeks where I need miracles in one fantasy league, but not immense miracles, because that would screw up my other league. In my suicide pick, I went with Jacksonville, and I literally waited until 25 minutes to kickoff to make a decision because I kept mulling over a few other options. Los Del Rio made me sweat the deal out, but they won. And of course, I have to put on my stupid Philip Rivers hat today, and hope that they can stop the obnoxious box of glee that is the Josh McBroncoBus. But more than anything, I like for my football team to win.
And let me tell you something: Two and 14 fucks with your head. Big time. I mean, it really, really messes you up. I've got to emphasize this because I doubt there are many Lions fans or old-school Tampa Bay die hards rollin' through the House on a regular basis. When that poisonous hurricane of the 2008 Kansas City Chiefs football season was over, I was really confused. I didn't know what I was feeling. I didn't know how to prioritize who I should be mad at most or least. I was positive that it should hurt more, and I was embarrassed that I almost found the thing a touch humorous.
And that wasn't all. Carl Peterson's resignation numbed some of the pain. The hiring of Scott Pioli seemed to knock a bit of the gravel out of my road rash. And the firing of Herm Edwards was...well, I'm not gonna sugar-coat that one: Had Edwards not been relieved of his duties, you would not be reading these words right now, because I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be letting me blog from prison. I might've killed a body. I didn't know what to feel about the Todd Haley hiring. I'm a bit more sold on him and his philosophy than I was in the pre-season, but the road to greatness is still gravel.
But I still didn't know what to feel. I saw a new regime installed across the Truman-Sports-Complex parking lot, and I heaped my hope onto that. Granted, probably a bit too much for one season, but I was dishing out the good vibes like a Baskin-Robbins employee doles the pink sample spoons. I'm still hopeful, even if foolishly, for the 2010 Royals. Understand that. But things got real good and mucked up in my brain about the Chiefs last year.
I didn't know what to do. It was like the whole world gets around on a bicycle, and someone came over to my house just to break my legs. Broke 'em good, too. And Chiefs fans turned into that thing that people had to deal with, that dude that's everybody's best friend, but everybody done fucked his sister at least once. That neighbor that be knockin' on your door every other day to borrow somethin', or ask with some help on some project or task. That dude that, even though he's got a car and a license, never, ever drives when y'all go out for myriad reasons. The Chiefs turned into a doormat, an annoying existence if say you're a Denver fan and you watch the Chiefs haphazardly hand San Diego two wins, that shit you been puttin' off and puttin' off and all of a sudden it bites you in the ass 'cause you -- Denver in KC and Oakland at home -- didn't take care of it sooner.
I don't know if you look back on time in weeks, months, or years, but no matter which it is, it doesn't change results, and results in the form of 31 losses in 37 tries are not good. Say this out loud now: Out of 37 attempts to win a football game, my team lost 31 times.
It's unreal. It's inconceivable. It should be unpossible.
Now, yesterday's win hasn't cured me of much. It's messed up that, given the off-seasons that Kansas City and Denver had, one would think that the 5-0 club and the 0-5 club got mixed up and shipped to the wrong addresses. It's messed up it took six tries for Todd Haley's Chiefs to get a win. It's messed up that that win came in the form of four field goals and a safety. It's messed up that, Tradition-ally Speaking, the Chiefs will have closed out with the rest of the division before they take the first of two victories against the Broncos. And mostly, it's messed up that a bad football team can kinda give a guy a mini mid-life crisis, but that's just what the last two years did to me, and probably many others.
Yesterday's win were some apples. They weren't Golden Delcious. they weren't some shiny Jonathan Apples. And they certainly weren't worthy of being called "them apples." They were just some friggin' apples.
But you know what else? They weren't poisoned apples. And for that, I can be happy on a Monday, look forward to a Sunday, and write something (sort of) positive for a change. Now get out there and win, you dumb fucker, 'cause next week will be another step in the direction of the most amazing 11-5 run at a championship season football has ever seen.
Okay, okay. I'll stop now. Feel free to leave your if-life-gives-you-apples and your don't-let-your-meat-loaf jokes in the comments.
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Good morning, boys and girls. It's lovely to be greeting this Monday with you, and thanks to those of you who popped in for a chat over the weekend. Those were some good darn times. Before we get today's lesson underway, I'd just like to share a few team draft grades from Randy Covitz of The Kansas City Star. For starters, there was one A handed out, and it went to the dumb-ass New York Jets, who, after mortgaging the home, had three picks, the first of whom was none other than Mark "Dirty" Sanchez. Then they took a running back out of Iowa and an Nebraska guard. And to that, I say, get a clue. Just because people are high on quarterbacks, and they'll get high on the above-mediocre quarterbacks that are around when there are no great ones, doesn't mean a team hits a home run when they draft one of those guys.
There are two A-. One went to Green Bay, who took B.J. Raji and Claw Matthews with their two firsts, then went D three more times, as well as adding a lineman and a tailback. Not bad. We'll see how the players pan out, of course, but not bad. The other went to Pantsless Mike Singletary and his 49ers. Why? Crabtree, I'm guessing. They also took Ball State qb Nate Davis, and an Alabama back, among others. Whatever. There's someone in the sports department that probably went balls deep to see to it that that grade got handed out.
The Denver Broncos were handed a D+, saying "With all the help Denver needed on defense, Moreno was not the best option with the pick for Jay Cutler. Ayers salvaged the first round, and trading a 2010 pick to take Smith may pay off. Could Brandstater be the next sixth-round version of Tom Brady for Josh McDaniels?" Not very critical wording for a D+, but that chatter sounds a lot like our LiveDraft chatter yesterday.
The Chiefs were only given a full letter grade better, citing "The new regime is trying to undo all of the mistakes the franchise has made in the defensive line during the last seven seasons. Jackson and Magee fit the mold of big, strong New England-type defensive linemen. Don't forget QB Matt Cassel and LB Mike Vrabel represent the second-round pick." Wow. I don't think you could possibly be less bold if you tried. Anyway, on to history...
* Today in 1956, heavyweight champ Rocky Marciano retired with an undefeated record of 49 wins (43 by knockout) and, of course, no losses.
* Five years later, the National Football League officially recognized the Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio.
* A decade after that, a guy by the name of Hank Aaron hit home run number 600.
* Two years later, Steve Busby tossed the first no-hitter for the Kansas City Royals. The win came against the Tigers in Detroit.
* And a decade later, Nolan Ryan slides into first place on the all-time strikeout list, with number 3509.
Your Sports Illustrated quote of the day?
It came from Jim Dickey, former Kansas State football coach, who, in 1978, said "Kansas State hasn't won a Big Eight championship in 40 years. I told them if I don't win a championship in that same length of time, I'll resign." For the record, he went 25-62-2 over seven years in the position.
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I've noticed a trend around this House. Every time a post is published that would likely generate a lot of commentary, nothing happens. Then, a post that seems harmless and inane sparks fireworks and mayhem, and comments come from all directions. Right now, I'm dumbfounded. Not one of you readers had anything to say about this post? For reals? Nothing? Fine then. On to things of greater substance, i.e., what other folks are discussing. I for one am still sickened by the inclusion of Dorf in anything associated with fame and/or halls. In the words of that one famous dead white guy, "Give me a Dorfless broadcast, or give me death. And by "death," I mean a bar with flatscreens showing poker, NASCAR, the Tour de France and some MMA/UFC action, and nothing else. Darkness, I tell you. Bitter, cold darkness...Moving on...
The Leitchless Spin on Dead has a duo of noteworthy stories today. The first is by the former international man of mystery, Drew Magary, a.k.a. Big Daddy Drew, a.k.a. Big Daddy Balls, a.k.a. Editor-at-Large, a.k.a. Balls Deep, and it centers on Favraro, and it might be laced with profanity. 
You decide if "laced" is an appropriate term, and I'll decide that any post with the word "nee" deserves kudos. What is the piece really about? Old No. 4 as a purple people eater. Whatever. Put Favre under center, hand off to Adrian Peterson, let Jared Allen drink his O'doul's, and I'll tell you what you have: a team coached by "Chilly" that won't be making any Super Sunday appearances. You heard it here first. Call Vegas. Minnesota will not win the NFC.
The second piece involves a pair of sports blogosphere hotties: Jenn Sterger and Erin Andrews.
Will they scrap? Who's number one on the SearchEngines? Which one's more popular? I. Couldn't. Care. Less. I've got two words for these broads, and two words only. They are: "mud" and "wrestle."
In news of the more important, Awful Announcing graces us with a clip of the two most important people to ever walk the planet:
Oh. Wait. Deion? My bad. I thought it was Irvin and Jones.
Speaking of the playmaker, Matt Jones, as Kissing Suzy Kolber suggests, has borrowed a page from Mike's book.
I guess it was time to add more than just stats to his unofficial nickname as the great white dope hope.
The Kansas City Royals, even though they lost the series against the White Sox, won in dramatic fashion this evening, courtesy of some dapper hitting by non-All-Star Jose Guillen (Editor's Note: Blow me, Evan Longoria.), and an inside-the-park homerun (his second of the year) by Mark Teahen. Tomorrow night, the Mariners come to town. With Leather notifies us that Richie Sexson is not likely to beat up any Royals pitchers make the trip with the Ms. That's too bad, too. Our HoG dugout reporters were looking to conduct a follow-up interview with the most-ridiculously overpaid-first baseman in baseball, too.
I guess that means the Sexson family will be taking a pay cut. And apparently (The Big Lead tells us), so are strippers. Coincidence? You be the judge. That story reeks of dank and unappealing body parts. As does this (also courtesy of TBL) clip:
Other baseball news, brought to you by Major League Jerk, analyzes the trade market and its recent successes/failures.
When talking of success and failure, folks often ask me what I think of the Internet and things like Google image searches. And my answer is this: I don't know. I have no freaking idea how you can grapple with such a large animal and put rules in place and enforce them. But I do know this: If I enter the words "Johan" and "Santana" into a search box, and this image is one of the many that come up...
...we gotta be doing something right, America.
Also in the neighborhood of Touch, it's Suh-man-tah! Okay, okay. Alyssa Milano. She's hanging in Philly, hugging lots of people (including the Phanatic), plugging her clothing line, and fending off creepy announcers.
The 700 Level clued us in on this one. We didn't even know Alyssa Milano liked baseball. Or wait...did we?
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With college football kicking off in earnest last week, and the NFL getting underway tomorrow, it's time to thrust together two of the HoG's deepest loves: tailgating and Hot Chicks.
There's a new blog that's been blowing up a bit of late, getting mentions on the Deadspins and W/Leathers of the world. It has possibly the greatest name ever: SEC Poon. Its premise is extremely complicated and vague, in that it shows photographs of tasty college girls on their way to football games. Crazy, those Southerners.
Now on my voyages to this web site, I had an unmistakable feeling of deja poon. I knew many of these girls. Not "knew" like I'd met them, but "knew" like I'd ogled these same pics at some point in the past, on these same YourStubs. Many of the images on SEC Poon are gleaned from a site called Southern Fried Football, which is maintained by some dude named Packman. And I'm sure that Packman is ecstatic that his nickname has been co-opted by one Adam Jones.
Anyway, Packman has this gig wherein he travels to the gridiron cathedrals of the American South and hangs out in parking lots. There he tempts saucy coeds to pose on his golf cart by giving them stickers or something. He has corporate sponsorship for this endeavor. In a way he's much like the mysterious Brooks we visited a few weeks back. Packman, keep up the good work.
If you dig on some college football (standard HoG disclaimer: The BCS is bad and Notre Dame is awesome!) then no doubt you've heard that no brand of the sport can hold a candle to the Southeast Conference. You've no doubt heard this from some toothless inbred coon-ass who can't spell "candle," but that's neither here nor there.
While my SEC experience consists of a trip to Death Valley (the Baton Rouge edition, sorry Clemson) and one to Arkansas (which doesn't really count), I have attended numerous games in the great state of Texas (much of my family went to A&M). And I can say with authority that one huge thing Southern football has over the Midwestern, West Coast and yes, even the Rocky Mountain flavors is this:
The girls.
There are women at every football game, but Southern girls take it to a different level. For one, they like the game and they don't have any ridiculous feminist hangups about it. They dig the traditions and the outdated corniness of stadium rituals. Furthermore, they get their shit together for a game. None of this no-makeup-and-pajamas crap you'll see up North, no sir. These ladies take their tailgate attire serious.
And so, without any further bullshit, here are a bunch of photos of chicks going to football games. Much of it is honest-to-goodness SEC poon all right, but there's some ACC poon as well (sorry about the Jenn Sterger). And here's a little shout-out to tiny Appalachian State, who not only knocked off Michigan but has some fine poon at their school as well.
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Now I've always been conflicted by Serena. Part of me think she looks like a dude. A ripped dude. But part of me is drawn to her massive curves. Yes, I am looking at her titles.
I think we're all out of whack when it comes to female athletes, especially hot or semi-hot ones. Nike is trying to make a point that these chicks are athletes first and that their attractiveness is secondary (Mia Hamm, Picabo Street and Gabby Reece are also part of the campaign). I call shenanigans on the whole affair.
Nike is in the business of selling shit, and hot people (be they male or female) sell more shit than ugly ones. I don't see Jeff Garcia or Billy Jean King in this or any other big Nike effort. So blow me, Nike.
Meanwhile, I hope to get a good peek at Reece's "titles" in the coming weeks. She's got some good ones.
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