Dear God: Thank You. No, Really. We're All Thanking God. Literally.

I may or may not have more to say about this in the coming weeks days hours, but for now -- and in case I never get around to it -- here's a great synopsis.

/also thanks baby Jesus, Christmas Ape
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Monday Night Meltdown

Well, that was just darn fantastic. Really. Splendid, even. Nothing better than to watch the Denver Broncos lose one of its 12 home, eight prime-time football contests in such humiliating fashion.

To Denver's credit, their pass rush stayed alive, getting to Big Ben Roethlisberger and generating a fumble, one that was returned for a touchdown. Beyond that? They were terrible. Terrible shreds of yellow-and-black towels. And Pittsburgh's pick six? Serves McDoogs right for drumming up something as gay sounding as "Wild Horses." But, I have two points to make, points I've been saying since the season was a couple of games underway, and I'll share them with you, after the jump.

First, it is now officially time to remove the words "shutdown" and "corner" from any vicinity wherein one finds Champ Bailey's name. He's still one of the better defensive backs in the game, but he is far removed from any sort of a shutdown variety. He got owned, schooled, and worked over tonight time and time again.

Second, is the Denver schedule. Deny it all you want, Denver: Your early portion of the 2009 schedule was soft. You won by a stroke of luck to open the season against Cincinnati. You then beat Cleveland (now 1-7), Oakland (now 2-6), Dallas (now 6-2) in a win that Tony Romo handed you on a silver-and-blue-starred platter, New England (now 6-2) in a win that you certainly deserve credit for, albeit you know your coach got way the eff up for that contest, and San Diego (now 5-3) which was an impressive road win.

Well, that's ridiculous, you say. Four of those six teams are +.500. We dominated in all of those wins.

Fine, fine. Say your piece. My point, though, is that you went on the bye, and came back to face Baltimore at home and host Pittsburgh. You dropped both of those contests, were outscored 58-17, and here, in your effort this evening, saw your coveted game manager toss three picks and couldn't even generate a rushing first down in the entire game. But hey, at least Brandon Marshall had some 10 catches, and the announcing crew got to say "Ryan Clady is special" half a dozen times.

Next week you travel to Washington. Guaranteed win, right? Hell, even the Chiefs beat them. But wait. What if Danny and Jimmy pick up Larry Johnson, and he's looking to prove himself to the world, and has a chance to do so against a team he probably doesn't care for too much. Not that he cares for anyone not nicknamed L.J., but you see my point. Then you host the again hot-on-your-heels Chargers, who'll be hungry for revenge, and the Giants, who've lost four straight, but have this week off and a home game against Atlanta to figure it all out. And then you come to Arrowhead for the first of your two losses to Kansas City.

Granted, I know you didn't have immense expectations for this season, but if you're not a tad concerned about that rickety wheel you hear, allow me to tell you you should be.
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Tradition Tuesday: Bye Week Blues

Every NFL team gets a week off during the season. If you're the 1-6 Chiefs this is a welcome respite. If you're their 6-0 division rivals from Denver, you'd rather keep playing while you're hot. As these two clubs take turns depriving their home fans of Sunday football, we check in on the season so far.

In case you're new to the House, or you've forgotten how things work around here, I'm the Broncos fan and Bank is the Chiefs fan. Carry on...

Old No. 7: I haven't watched much of the Chiefs yet this season, but I caught quite a bit of Sunday's San Diego game. The offense looked rough, and Matt Cassel was sloppy and erratic (many dropped passes didn't help). How does the offensive product on the field compare to what Todd Haley advertised in the offseason?

Bankmeister: Honestly, I don't think Todd Haley advertised anything in the off-season. There was nothing but talk of finding the right 53 guys, and installing a system that would eventually produce championship football teams.

Old No. 7: There was no talk, to your knowledge, about what kind of offense Haley was going to install? How he was going to use Larry Johnson, the run/pass mix, the new tight ends? Maybe not, a lot of coaches are secretive.

Bankmeister: None whatsoever. There was talk of clean slates across the board, open, fair competition at every position, and a system that would generate wins. The secretiveness with which Pialey has operated, I would argue, is on a CIA sort of level.

Old No. 7: Is Cassel showing any progress?

Bankmeister: Cassel has shown some progress, but I feel like what he can ultimately deliver still remains an unknown. As you already know, prior to last year, he hadn't really played an significant football since high school. I thought he looked downright atrocious in week two's home-opening loss to Oakland, half the quarterback that Brodie Croyle was the previous week in Baltimore. So, weeks three through six he looked much better, but I can offer zero explanation to his miserly performance yesterday other than the repeated sacks have gotten to him mentally.

Old No. 7: What would the record be if Croyle had started all year?

Bankmeister: Three and four. We easily beat Oakland, and have more points on the board versus Dallas as the fourth quarter wraps up, thus negating overtime. We still lose yesterday, but it's a much, much closer game.

Old No. 7: I still think that's nuts, but again I don't watch this team as much as you do.

Bankmeister: You're not alone. The artist formerly known as the Lone Reader thinks I'm insane, too.

Old No. 7: Why is the line so ineffective--aren't there some high draft picks down there?

Bankmeister: The line is terrible for two reasons: 1) There was next to no noteworthy effort to build it in the Edwards regime. They drafted a couple tackles but Pialey have discarded (at least half) of all of the picks made my Herm and Carl. Some feel that Branden Albert shouldn't be at left tackle as he played guard in college. Brian Waters is usually stellar, but he's in this weird, unprecedented (for him) penalty-acquiring phase. Cutting Casey Wiegmann two years ago was crippling, especially considering where he ended up, and the right side of the line has never recovered from the John Tait trade/Will Shields retirement. It is abysmal, and Haley doesn't appear to believe in giving a line time to gel and play together for consecutive weeks as it's more important to him to cut/sign the weakest 10 roster spots every damn week.

Old No. 7: And now Larry Johnson is calling out his coach on Twitter, a gutless move but indicative of serious trust issues between labor and management. Do you think Haley has lost this team? If so, do you think he's capable of putting this locomotive back on the tracks anytime soon?

Bankmeister: The concept of losing a team is largely over-analyzed in my opinion. People discuss it with such confidence and frequency that it's irritating. I think it's way too early to even speculate on such a notion, and I think most of the personnel would say that Haley knows what he's doing. I recognize the building blocks in place. At least I think I do: team first, establish an aggressive, balanced offensive attack, and stick to the fundamentals. Any guys that're left over are probably still adjusting to the player's-coach approach, which I deem as soft and bereft of responsibilty.

Old No. 7: Do you think that Jim Zorn, Jack Del Rio, Dick Jauron or Tom Cable have lost the respect of the men that play for them? Do you think that the players on their teams give maximum effort and focus every week? I don't--I think those coaches are dead men walking. I think it's pretty obvious in any given NFL game if a team is prepared and motivated to play. I guess my question is if you see that preparation and motivation--signs of good coaching--or if Johnson's blatant insubordination is more widespread.

Bankmeister: I don't either. That is, I agree with you on all accounts except for Del Rio. Something's just not right there, and I hang more of that on the players. Zorn and Cable were probably never cut out for the job. Jauron is one of those guys that was either meant to be a coordinator or the game has passed him by. I think something's awry in Jacksonville beyond coaching, and Del Rio will find work elsewhere. I do see it. I see it every week. Guys are just heading into Sunday not knowing if they're going to be starting or what, which means that the message that you better give 110 percent on every snap in practice and in the game hasn't resonated yet. The actions and words of Larry Johnson go no further than #27. They never have. They never will.

Old No. 7: So what I'm pulling out of this is that you're less than pleased with Haley's personnel decisions (starting/sitting/playing time) but you're OK with the direction he's taking the team in and play-calling? Is that fair?

Bankmeister: I don't know where you're getting the first part of that. I'm mostly fine with everything he's done. I do feel, however, that I've, for a number of years, heard that the five guys up front need to work together to gel as a unit. If that's 100 percent true all the time, then he needs to incorporate that into his gameplan.

Old No. 7: On numerous occasions--both here and earlier in the season--you've pointed out that Haley jerks guys around, benches them, cuts them, and indicated that you thought this made it harder to build team cohesion.

But let's be perfectly clear here. You think Haley has done a good job this far, despite a 1-6 record. You also think Trey Hillman bears zero responsibility for the Royals losing 97 games this year. In both cases you place blame for losing solely on the GMs and the poorly built teams. Is this accurate, or an overstatement?

Bankmeister: The cohesion point applies to the offensive line only. Anywhere else I think a good case can be made for play up to your potential, and in a fashion the coach wants, or be prepared to sit. The only incongruence in the application of the philosophy has come in the form of the quarterback and the running back. I don't think it's time to give up on Cassel, but there have been situation in which I thought Brodie would've performed better. As far as Larry Johnson (who has issued an apology via his agent and been asked by the team to refrain from practicing and participating in team activities) is concerned, it's a tough situation: His numbers show that he's the worst starting back in football, but he plays behind a mostly terrible line. You can't increase your YPC if you're getting hit in the backfield on a significant number of your carries. If we lose to Jacksonville in two weeks, I'll be looking to see a Croyle/Charles combo in week 10.

Yes. Let's be perfectly clear: No one, no how, gets a good-job star on their homework at 1-6. I like the direction he's going, the foundation he appears to be attempting to instill. Say what you will about Haley and Hillman. This isn't the first time we've differed on opinions and it sure as hell won't be the last. Let's just say you chuckle at the notion of trusting the process, while I, at least for now, trust it.

Old No. 7: Are these games selling out? Any threat of a blackout this year? How's the civic football mood compare to last season?

Bankmeister: They are. I don't think the house has been at capacity for any game yet, but the latest report I had was that the sellout streak is likely safe until December. I can't say much about the mood as far as changes. Losing blows. There's little talent on this team, and when you lose, people examine everything -- who you're starting, how you're managing the game, the plays you're calling, the things you own, and especially those you don't. I read the papers, I listen to the TalkRadios, I discuss with my fellow citizens. Last year was miserable and very little has changed save the approach and the faces that are responsible for it.

What about your Broncos? You've mentioned that you were prepared to write about losing and losing only. Heading into the off-season, and then heading into the pre-season, I think most people would've projected for the current records of the Chiefs and the Broncos to be the reverse of what they are.

Old No. 7: Most people projected the Chiefs to be 6-0?

Bankmeister: No. What I meant to say was current directions.

Why has everything worked so well for Joshy-poo? Was there simply more talent to begin with? Were the free-agent acquisitions that huge? I know Mayor McVesco has all three inches of his manhood rock hard for "B-Dawk" as he likes to call him, but what's the deal?

Old No. 7: The cupboard was not empty for Josh McDaniels. This was a team, after all, that was 8-5 following a December win against your Chiefs last year. They had that infamous three-game division lead with three games to play. They were by no means a horrible team.

Neither was the maligned defense completely barren. The Broncos' best defensive player is Champ Bailey, who was injured in 2008. Even if they had not fired Shanahan, even if they had stuck with the same defensive strategy that they've employed for a decade, it was inevitable that the results would improve with a healthy Champ.

The free agent signings have all been home runs, which doesn't hurt. My concern at the time was their collective age--Brian Dawkins is 36, Vonnie Holliday 33, Andre Goodman 31, Renaldo Hill 30, Andra Davis 30, Ron Fields 28, Darrell Reid 27. Outside of a few minor dings, this team has (jinx alert!) yet to absorb a single injury. That remarkable fact is the single biggest reason they've yet to lose a game. Injuries are inevitable, especially with a defense that's heavily reliant on graybeards. I worry that these guys are going to start getting hurt, and that the depth chart won't be able to sustain this level of shutdownery...

I'm particularly pessimistic about Dawkins, an opinion that places me in a minuscule minority of Bronco Nation... It's inconceivable to me that a man my age, who plays such a physically brutal style of football, could make it an entire NFL season without some down time. While he plays, however, he's remarkable. The guy excels in every aspect of the game, and his leadership qualities were not overestimated. Guys love lining up with him.

Bankmeister: You claimed that the appointment of Colonel Xanders was borderline absurd, and of course there's the 46 running backs that collected checks from Pat Bowlen in 2008, the elitest of most now not on the roster all thanks to the play of If You Don't Knowshon.

Old No. 7: What's become clear to me this year is that I don't know a fucking thing about general managers in the NFL. There are some that stand out for being awful (Matt Millen) or self-promoting (A.J. Smith, Carl Peterson, Jerry Jones) or exceptional (Bill Polian). But by and large these guys are like baseball umpires--you should only notice them when they screw up badly. I don't have any idea how much Xanders is pulling the trigger on these decisions versus McDaniels, and I don't really care. Don't tell me about the delivery, just show me the baby.

Knowshon seems like the real deal, and I love how polished he is as a receiver and blocker. I wish he'd hit his holes a little harder, but I've also had my eyes trained by years of zone-blocking schemes to believe that Bronco running lanes are only open for the blink of an eye. This is a different coaching staff, and a bigger line that's capable of sustaining blocks longer. It seems like the old Bronco cut-blocking ways are--Oh Noes!--a thing of the past, Bank. Although I'm sure you'll find ways to fill out your Denver cheating conspiracy theories.

Bankmeister: Nah. My tank's empty, dude. When things were closer in the big-picture department, it was much easier to holler conspiracy. After six wins in 32 games, and a start where my team's 1-6 and yours is 6-0, my mental health has suffered extreme wounds. I'm considering therapy in an effort to distance myself from this game. My guts, my brains, and my emotions are so maimed that poking fun of Denver beyond the in-game texts sends me down the path of becoming a caricature of myself. My caveat, though, is that if we get good again, and I'm not in a round padded room with a white jacket on, I'll be back with my bull horn to scream "home cookin'."

You take McDaniel's alleged quarterback preference in Cassel, and you see his second choice in Orton outperforming the former. Then you take two similar malcontents like B-Marsh and LJ and one's now hugging his coach in post-game pressers and the other's calling out his coach for never having played the game. What's the difference between these two clowns? Is winning the restaurant equivalent to good sales in that it cures all ails?

Old No. 7: There are two major differences between Marshall and LJ. One is that Marshall can still play, he's capable of separating from defenders and impacting games. The other is that Marshall has yet to receive his big payday, so there is incentive for him to get with the program.

As for QBs, I think we're seeing yet again how vital good coaching is at that position. Cassel was terrific under McDaniels last year, not so much under Haley (is Dick Curl still in the mix?).

Bankmeister: Well there you go. No. Father Time, thank God, was sent packing. The bad side of that is that the QB coach is one of the three -- that, HCIC, OC -- hats that Haley is wearing.

Old No. 7: Jay Cutler played better under Shanahan than the complete hacks who now tutor him, Ron Turner and Lovie Smith. Kyle Orton, having escaped the Turner-Lovie hellhole, is flourishing under McDaniels. Time will tell if Doogie is a great or even good NFL coach. A lot of guys win right out of the gates and then fade. This team is jacked up and playing very hard as a team, hopefully they can sustain that level of intensity. But what's not in question is McDaniels' ability to coach up a signal-caller.

Bankmeister: Let's assume this club runs away with the division. What happens in the post-season? Do they take sweet revenge on Peyton and company? If this success carries into next year and Mike Shanahan gets a job in the AFC (or elsewhere), what're your feelings regarding a potential Shanny return to InVesCo? Do you wish him and his team the best in every game except that one?

Old No. 7: The 2009 Denver Broncos have the classic look of a team that wins 11, 12 or 13 regular season games and then flames out in their first playoff game to a more experienced squad. I do not think they can exorcise their postseason Colts demons this year. But hey, this bunch has surprised me all season long, maybe they have something special in reserve for January (assuming they get there, you jinx-encouraging son of a bitch). All those old-timers on defense turn from a liability to a strength come playoff time.

I think Mike Shanahan is a great coach who had a great run here, and I'll always love him for getting the Broncos over the top. But if he takes another job, he's just another coach. I wouldn't feel any differently about him than I do about Tomlin or Belichick or Coughlin. I would certainly not cheer for his team--I didn't cheer for the Ravens when Shannon Sharpe went to Baltimore or the Jets when Steve Atwater ended up in Jersey.

Bankmeister: Yeah. But you still love Shannon and I know you and Cecil both still rub out your morning wood to Atwater. Well, maybe Cec' feeds the Kleenex to his Randy Gradishar FatBoy, but whatever. The point is that Shanny, more than anyone else on any of those teams, is the one that got you your two rings. I think that I'd have a soft spot for him, especially if he wound up in say Buffalo. If Jerry Jones hires him, he can get lost.

Talk about The Suit. What sort of respect, if any, did you have for him prior to the hiring? This defense was pretty darn bad for several consecutive seasons, which implies that there was a mix of bad coordinating and personnel. What level of accolades are you giving him for this top-ranked squad?

Old No. 7: Mike Nolan is awesome, I want to kiss him on the mouth with tongue and an ass-grope. Again, it's still early and things could always fall apart, but thus far the schemes he's instilling are working. I'm always leery about blitzing all the time, because of course it leaves you vulnerable to big plays. The Broncos have yielded numerous long strikes to talented QBs like Tom Brady and Phil Rivers, but they've also deposited both of those gentlemen on their asses and rattled them. I'm beyond stoked to see what they can do to Peyton on Dec. 13, and I have never been excited to play Indy since he arrived there.

Nolan will get a lot of buzz as a head coaching candidate in the offseason, but to me he seems like Dick LeBeau, Buddy Ryan or Norv Turner--infinitely better as a coordinator than the top dog. He failed in San Francisco, and that head coaching failure constituted the bulk of my impression of Nolan entering the year. Selfishly, I hope he stays at DC in Denver. I'd even be willing to let him get to third base to make it happen.

Bankmeister: You're a sick fuck. Would you let him fondle your "top dog" while Buddy Ryan Tom Cabled you in the back of your noggin? I know a guy who can run video if you're looking to be a star.

Finally, the schedule. The consensus is that things get really rough for you guys coming out of the bye week, especially starting off with Baltimore on the road. You feeling pretty confident about continued success?

Old No. 7: I can't see how the schedule is now getting any tougher than it's been the last three weeks. Sure, the next five games are at Baltimore, Pittsburgh, at Washington, San Diego and the Giants. None of those clubs are pushovers save for the Skins. But all of those teams have shown weaknesses that can be exploited.

I'm not confident that this team is going to win every game from here on out, but I am confident that this is a good team with the pieces necessary to be competitive each week. What I like about the schedule is that with a 6-0 start, they only need to win four more games to be virtually assured of a playoff spot--and they have four eminently winnable games left with Washington, Oakland and Kansas City twice. If they can take three or four of those, they need only win a couple games against these better clubs to get into the 11-12 win range necessary to secure a bye (I'm conceding the No. 1 seed and home field to Indianapolis right now).

Bankmeister: That's too bad. I still think we sweep you this year. You know, 'cause we "dominated" Washington in our lone win.

Old No. 7: I'll make sure that prediction is saved for later this season.

Bankmeister: You do that. Save it. Copy and paste it. Put it in a non-Wiki'd Excel spreadsheet. I, as the saying goes, don't give a fuck!
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Unbelievable

Brandon Marshall has somehow avoided an NFL suspension.

I'm honestly surprised. Sure, they usually announce them early, and the speculation was that the Broncos would hear before the draft if they heard anything, but still--the dude got arrested again, for like the 14th time (seriously), for another incident featuring that good ol' domestic violence.

Also, not really sure what this will even mean in the end. Marshall is avoiding Dove Valley and reportedly asked for a new deal, which was predictably turned down. Will he hold out? Play flat, be a divisive force? Does he tote too much Samsonite for Coach Doogie? He's supposedly a really personable dude; unless, I guess, you're dating him.

No matter what his private persona, his public one could hardly be worse. That ESPN article also correctly pointed out that he only dodged punishment for this last incident with his current fiance, and that he still might have to go to trial for the The Watley Affair, which sounds like a second-string R & B group. If he cops a plea or is found guilty, then he will almost certainly get whacked. Maybe for a full season.

We'll see. The season is closer than we think. Bob Gretz reminded us a few days back that the Chefs open Training Camp in two months. I just saw the Pro Football Weekly 2009 Season Preview on the shelf at Albertson's.


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Adios, One-Time Messiah

Local sports talk radio is reporting, via an e-mail from Dove Valley, that the Denver Broncos have agreed in principle to trade Jay Cutler to the Chicago Bears. Terms will be disclosed later.

Wow.

Count your lucky stars, kid. You could have ended up in Detroit. We best be receiving a cornucopia--hell, a pornucopia--of draft picks and/or veterans.

Still, though. He's gonna be making the above face a lot next year. The Bears' offensive line is a shambles.

Again: wow.

Update, via ProFootballTalk.com and Foxsports.com:

Jay Glazer of FOXSports.com reports that the Chicago Bears have sent two first-round picks, a third-round pick, and quarterback Kyle Orton to the Broncos for quarterback Jay Cutler and a fifth-round draft pick.

The Bears held the 18th pick in the first round of the draft.

Per NFLPA records, Orton is signed through 2009, at a base salary of $995,000.




Image from westword.com
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Well, There's That Other Shoe, Finally

9news is reporting, right now, that the Broncos have decided to trade Jay Cutler--supposedly because neither Coach Doog or Bowlen has been able to get ahold of him over the last 10 days.

I'll have more--a whole lot more--to say about this later. Right now, two things spring to mind:

1. Why would they come out and say it? Aren't they killing any leverage they might have? I guess if Cutler says he simply doesn't want to play for them--which is info that will quickly leak out around the league--then they don't have much choice, but still. Now, the only threat they can hold over him is that of inactivity. Sit it down for the year, kiddo. Would he even do that?

2. Jay Cutler has, officially, proved every rumor I've recently proferred concerning his motives. His feelings weren't fucking hurt. He wanted out, and found an avenue to get his way.

Here's hoping we get the Lions second 1st rounder (#20) and first second rounder (#33). He'll have fun playing behind that line, especially considering how long he likes to hold the ball.

Be careful what you wish for, Jay-Jay.

Image from drunkathlete.com
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Small Time Thinking, Big Time Problems

In the midst of the HoG's enormous birthday celebration (which consists of three dudes in three basements in three different area codes sipping from three jugs of Old Crow) I thought I'd try to place this whole Cutlertastrophe in context. Sure, we Bronco fans are faced with losing a Pro Bowl quarterback, albeit a whiny ballerina of the breed. We're faced with the probability that we just hired a coach with the common sense of a toothpick. And we've always known that our owner is a few sheets short of a ream, and Canadian to boot.

What we're looking at as well, folks, is a decrease in overall status. What was once seen as one of the finest homes on the NFL block, a model franchise, is now in danger of foreclosure. The weeds are starting to sprout in the yard, the shutters are beginning to droop, and there's a Cavalier in the driveway with tags that expired in 2005.

Now look--I personally don't care about how much prestige my team carries around the league. I care about winning games, and part of me loves the idea of slipping under the radar for a while before vaulting back to glory. But there are real cracks on the foundation of this team, people, cracks that go far beyond the foibles of Whiny Jay and Coach Littledick.

We're rapidly falling from Big Time to Small Time in the Mile High City. What's worse, our former laughingstock neighbors out in KC are travelling in the opposite direction. I'll be needing some aspirin, to be washed down with this rotgut hooch. Happy Birthday to us!

First, let's break down what constitutes a Big Time NFL Franchise. Both New York teams certainly are, as well as the Patriots and Cowboys. But mere market size does not dictate Big Time status. Pittsburgh and Indianapolis have transcended their crappy Rust Belt dwellings through professional operations and sustained success. Even losing teams can stay Big Time. Miami went Big Time the minute they hired Bill Parcells to run their show, and the Redskins will be Big Time so long as Dan Snyder, his bottomless checkbook, and his insatiable need to manufacture freak-show headlines are there.

At the other end of the spectrum are the Small Time clubs. You know who they are. If you lost 16 games last year and your owner was the last person in America to realize Matt Millen should be canned, you're Small Time. If you took a Super Bowl champion and ran it into the ground, San Francisco-Oakland-St. Louis, you're Small Time. If you play pro football in the state of Ohio, you're Small Time. As Jeff Foxworthy would say were he writing this post, if your stadium was a shelter for Hurricane Katrina refugees, you might be a Small Time. Small Time teams might occasionally win a few games, Jacksonville, but they're forever battling the stink of minor-league halfassery wafting up from the basement. They pay more for free agents, they wait in line for top-flight coaches, they get extensions from the league office to avoid home-game blackouts.

We all watched the Kansas City Chiefs wallow in this pit for many years, a time span roughly coinciding with the firing of Marty Schottenheimer and the hiring of Top Chef Hosea Pioli. We watched mediocrity become institutionalized, bad players become great in the eyes of myopic fans, and poor decisions get rationalized. Get a load of your garden-variety Chief Fan these days, and they're strutting around like the cock of the walk. Competent leadership and hope for the future will do that, and having the remainder of the division run by fucking retards doesn't hurt.

Which brings me to my Denver Broncos. A decision was made last January to whack Mike Shanahan, and that decision was pretty easy to justify. We've gone into these topics ad nauseum around here, no need to drag it up again. But while you can, on paper, defend the Shanahan firing as necessary to advance the team forward, you must understand that making that move results in a threat to Big Time status.

I am of the opinion that Pat Bowlen cares about such a superficial threat. I think he cares about it very much. Pat Bowlen has leveraged his team's Big Time image into hundreds of millions of dollars in personal gain. He's converted it into a new stadium. He's secured a spot on the NFL committee responsible for its lifeblood--the network TV contract--and almost singlehandedly created the NFL Network. Pat Bowlen likes being Big Time.

So here, torn between the Big Time cachet of Mike Shanahan and the decidely pedestrian route that comes with fighting ten other teams for head coaching candidates, Bowlen chose the riskier strategy, the one that seemingly threatened the Broncos' Big Time label. But the more you look at it, the more it is eveident that Bowlen's move was neither radical nor bold. It was incredibly conservative, actually, because Bowlen merely went back to a successful decision he made 14 years ago and copied it.

Just as Shanahan was hired as a young offensive Mastermind, Josh McDaniels had developed a bio filled with genius superlatives. All of Bowlen's rhetoric surrounding the Coach Doogie signing reflected the 1995 move to bring Shanahan in. Bowlen felt that by importing a product of another Big Time franchise, he could hold on to the tag forever. In this way, Bowlen showed the same weakness that lost Shanahan his job--he ignored the many signs of danger and distress and insisted he was one piece away from returning to the Super Bowl. McDaniels became Bowlen's Simeon Rice.

We're still waiting to watch Doogie's first game. We don't know who'll take the first snap, we don't know what play he'll script, and we don't know if the kid can handle an NFL season. Witnessing his first offseason in charge, he seems like he could use some seasoning. He does not appear ready for the Big Time. Winning, of course, can cure all of this. With or without Jay Cutler, a successful season under Josh McDaniels could restore Bowlen's Big Time ambitions and quiet the deep discontent in Bronco Nation.

If you care what I think, I don't see it happening. I do not see Coach Doogie morphing from March Moron into September Savant. I've no reason to believe that he can manage a defensive resurgence or patch together a respectable kicking game. There's zero in his background that tells me he'll build a ground attack that can win on days when his QB--whomever that may be--isn't firing with accuracy.

I could be wrong, in fact I usually am (except on Puerto Rico in the WBC). The combination of Doog and Colonel Xanders could fucking nail this draft. They could acquire the young talent necessary to replace all the ancient free agents they just signed. They could get lucky with their RB potpourri, they could seamlessly introduce an effective 3-4 defensive scheme, and their schedule could turn out to be less difficult than first thought.

They could also mend fences with Jay Cutler, his loony dad, his hack agent, and his debilitating battles with alcohol and insulin. Cutler could equal or surpass his '08 numbers and all could be well in Big Time Bowlenland. I don't buy it, but perhaps that's because my supply of blind optimism has dipped to Small Time levels.
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Monday Miscellany: The Beat Goes On

Beware the ides of March now has an HoG-lific meaning. See all of three lines (and a link) on the skinny after the leap.

Man. I'm gonna stay mostly quiet and let the other two legs of the triangle do the talking on this latest episode of the Jay Cutler mini mega-drama. Now, the plausible unknown in this instance is that it's Chris Mortensen reporting. But Christ.
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The Meltdown

Even this morning as I, jacked up on coffee, wrote a long post taking issue with so-called McJayGate (which is totally not predictable at all; in fact, let's keep adding the suffix "-gate" onto every mild controversy from here unto eternity) I didn't necessarily expect that things would completely fall apart quite yet.

I actually didn't think that Cutler was really going anywhere. I figured he'd angle for a trade, make a lot of noise, maybe skip a few workouts, eventually realize he had no options and then come back and play the season.

But, well, today Pat Bowlen had this to say, from the Denver Post (who else?):

"I'm very disappointed," Broncos owner Pat Bowlen said Sunday of the feud between his quarterback and first-year coach. "I'm disappointed in the whole picture, not just disappointed that we might lose our star quarterback."

So much for talent, Broncoville. Cutler may be a massive head case with maturity issues and an overall losing record, but he's clearly superior to Chris Simms.

Simms, by the by, in addition to having great taste in old school basketball jerseys and no spleen, would have made more jingle as Jay's backup than Jay would as the starter. Whoa.

I mean, Chris Simms.

Chris Simms.

Fuck. Me.

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Early Morning Internettery

A personal note before the goofiness: this last week was pretty fucking tough. My college instructor, mentor, co-worker and friend James Meadow died following a bad bike accident at Chatfield Reservoir, only one week after the Rocky went out of business.

Went to the memorial service yesterday morning. The Mayor was there, so was Barry Fey. Seemingly everyone in Denver, actually. The Governor issued a special proclamation declaring yesterday "James Meadow Day" and I broke down listening to "For A Dancer" even though I can't stand Jackson Browne.

James was a 3-D comet in an industry populated by cardboard cutouts. He was unafraid of life. He was one of the finest writers I've ever encountered or will ever encounter. He loved the semi-colon; Hickenlooper told a story about a discussion between Meadow and Kurt Vonnegut, who hated semi-colons and said they were "hermaphrodites." Meadow's response was "in the hands of a good writer, that's a very sexually active hermaphrodite."

He was a Prima Donna, a pain in the ass and a cocky New York Yankees fan. He was also my friend. If I'm lucky enough to leave the world half of what he did, I'll have lived a better life than I ever would have dreamed. Adios, old man.

That's out of the way. Thanks for sitting through it. Here are a few bumps along the ones 'n' zeroes superhighway for you both. Enjoy 'em.

First, more Cutler! Mike Klis actually brings something to the table with this one--specifically, the idea that Belichick was pushing Cassel hard and that a trade never even came close to happening. Interesting. Also worth noting: the comments below, which lower humanity's common denominator to the point where merely pulling a breath should be considered a triumph of the intellect.

Also, this--which is arguably the biggest story and got the smallest newshole. So a "sourced report" from CBS4 indicates that another meeting took place on Saturday morning? And said "source" (cough cough Bus Cook cough) said that it didn't go well?

Look, Vic Lombardi clearly has someone feeding him info here, and given that each one of these scoops has been slanted toward the "Jay is being mistreated and feels upset" angle, it's hard to imagine the source being anyone *but* Cook. Or maybe Cutler's daddy. All I know is, at this point, how can anyone not think the kid and his people are actively angling for a trade? It's not even behind the scenes, anymore.

Enough of the disingenuousness. Enough hiding behind your righteous indignation, Jay. Out with it. Your defenders in the media can only write you so many excuse notes--and honestly, Woody Paige's are full of misspellings and sentence fragments.

For instance, Dave Krieger may think we Bronco fans are just a flock of Nubian goats waiting to trot behind a crook-toting Pat Bowlen, but we can still see that the sky is blue behind these orange-tinted goggles. A fan's loyalty is to a team, not a player. The columnists and talking heads can't ever quite grasp that--or more accurately, don't care to--because they are professional non-rooters.

They like individuals. Especially individuals with good back-stories. Especially individuals with good back-stories who work for a columnists' favorite charity.

(Don't think that plays a role, here? Check out Krieger's work in the future for one of his eternally positive mentions of Bernie Bickerstaff, who ran the Nuggets into the dirt but let Dave's son practice on the court back in the day, or something similar. He'll be tootin' Cutler's horn long after he leaves town.)

Drives me nuts. Anyhow.

In something of a first for me, hockey.

Al Davis, don't you ever change.

Both the Broncos and Chefs will end up with at least one player each from this list. Possibly more. I like Frank Cooney because, unlike nearly every draft analyst extant, he writes in complete sentences.

I periodically link to this. Simply because of The Awesome.

And in an effort to give some equal time to the tooth-gnashing happening next the Missouri river, here. It should also be acknowledged that posters at the KC Star's website are by and large toothless hayseeds who make corn likker in the shed and married their younger sisters.
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The Other Shoe

So the Post, lone broadsheet guardian of Denver journalism, reports that the big phone meeting between Coach Doogie, Colonel Xanders, Bowlen, Cutler and Cutler's useless hayseed agent didn't go particularly well.

I'm torn, right now. I want to side with Cutler, really, but McDaniels' position--especially considering the report via rumorville that Jay blew off Bowlen's calls--makes some sense.

You do have to wonder where this is coming from. Armstrong brought it up on The Fan today--what role does Daddy play, here?

Cutler's pop is constantly at practice. At games. In the boss' ears. Doing the Gator Chomp when the kid was playing at Florida in college. He was blustery after the draft, grumbling about his son being underrated by Mel Kiper--which was true, but still. You just don't see many stage dads in the NFL, right? Marv Marinovich?

The whole mess is bizarre. Ol' No. 7 might be faced with the possibility of rooting for a Texas Longhorn as Denver QB in '09. Heaven help us all.

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Tradition-al Side Affects: Then When He Leave for Nashville, He Be Talkin' Again

I'm not sure who should be saying, "That's my bike, punk!" in all of this mess, but if there's one thing to be said about being on the other side of the esteemed-excellence fence, it's that it sure is worth a chuckle when the collective orange-and-blue panties get bunched up. To the chagrin of some, that chuckle qualifies as a guffaw when said bunchy britches stay that way for three days and counting. And much like the rest of the events that unfolded, and eventually started this massive wedgie, everyone's got two cents, even in this economy. After the jump, we'll stop by a few of our favorite tubular reading holes to see just what it is folks be sprayin' about ol' Screamin' Jay from Vandy. Of course, we won't be able to get any quotes from the college freshman now wearing the Denver Motorola, but based on the efforts of the more-professional reporters of the world, we'll at least hope to scoop up a hint.

Let's tackle this now-overblown (Editor's Note: Or is it?) issue with some sense of chronology, mixed with a heavy dose of humor. If you haven't seen the most recent Marmalard/Cutlerfucker post over at Kissing Suzy Kolber, it is a must for any who have seen their previous Philip Rivers pieces. Hell, even for those who haven't, it's pretty flippin' rad. My segments are: "Ooooohhh Josh, Josh. That’s gold, man. That’s a shart and a half. Never knew you were funny like that. Cutler for Rivers? Sure, and then you can dip my wife’s tits in apple butter and scrape ‘em on your toast." and "CUTLERFUCKER’S GONNA BE THE END OF YOU! HE’LL PUT THE SULKFACE CHICKEN WING ON YOUR CAREER! 38 COACHES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA, ALL THANKS TO THAT FROWNYFACE TEABAGGER!"

Okay. Screw the order schtick. Fast forward to today, where this gem was posted over at With Leather. If you're feeling too lazy to click and read, allow me to summarize: Dan Patrick had Scott Hastings on his show. Hastings works for the Denver Nuggets in some modicum of television analysis, and he had some choice words for the nearly traded Denver quarterback. Words that look precisely similar to "arrogant little punk" and "he's a little bitch." The capper was this:

"When Josh McDaniel was introduced as head coach, Cutler didn’t even appear at the press conference. Hastings thinks that as the team leader, Cutler should’ve done everything in his power to appear there to support the new coach. He is, after all, the team leader."

There's also this tidbit penned by danzinski over at Pacman Jonesin':

"Dear Jay: They didn’t trade you. You don’t have to refer to your career with the Broncos in the past tense. At this rate you’re going to supplant Brett Favre as the most hang-dog, sad-sack quarterback of all time. Oh, one note on that: Bus Cook also represents Cutler. Bus may have hooked Jay up with Brett for some lessons in how to spew and blubber. Maybe Brett also taught Jay his other favorite bit: Forcing a team to give him what he wants by retiring. We await Jay’s announcement with breathless anticipation."

All of these details have BroncosCountry a bit shaken up, as Mr. East at BroncoTalk reports:

"This feeling is because of the ambiguity surrounded by this whole situation, you’re not sure who cheated you. Was it Cutler who asked for the trade earlier? Was it McDaniels and Xanders who asked first? Why can’t Brandon Marshall stay out of cuffs? Why can’t Cutler meet with McDaniels? This drama never happened before. It’s not just one person’s fault, it’s a collective group of mistrials that are tearing apart at the soul of your fandom."

Now, everyone's got to assume that McDanahan and Cutlerfucker will patch this up and start thinking about O.T.As. In the bizarre possibility that they don't, Bill Williamson looks at possible options for Young No. 6, which include Chicago, Detroit, Minnesota, Tampa Bay, San Francisco and the J-E-T-S Jets, Jets, Jets.

The boys over at Mile High Report have acquired information from Denver's CBS4 that there will be no trade involving Cutlerfucker. It has been said by an alleged Broncos insider (Gary Miller) that Mosh and Jay Jams will "will have a face-to-face meeting" "sometime next week when the quarterback is due to return to Colorado." They added some other words from a Broncos spokesman (Patrick Smyth) that hammered home an owner/coach-stamped message saying that the Broncos are not going to trade Jay Cutler. Period.

And hey -- that's what we expected to hear all along. What we don't expect to hear is Drew Rosenhausesque crap falling from Cutler's agent Bus Cook, who dropped this doozy yesterday:

"I do think under the circumstances it was very poor on their part if in fact they were trying to trade Jay...You don't know what's true and what's not true. Depends on what you read. It's unfortunate because Jay was getting in the groove out there in Denver, and all this just threw him out of kilter."

Frankly, most of this hype isn't helping. The Denver Post has published quotes from Nugget Carmelo Anthony, who said, "You got to learn that it is a business, especially with him... (Cutler) has been the guy who they've been saying could be the next (John) Elway perhaps." And Anthony's coach, George Karl chimed in as well: "Jay's got to understand there have been a lot greater players than him that have been talked about in trades. When the contracts are so big, every player is probably discussed." Apparently, Karl thought ill of this Cutler comment to the Post: "I don't play for the coaches anyway; I play for teammates. As long as we keep the guys we've got, I'll go out there and play."

In the end, consolidated papers, basketball figures, and stupid bloggers (Note: Catches reflection of self in monitor.) should just keep their mouths shut, their fingers idle. At least, I suppose that's the moral of the story for somebody out there.
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The Denver Post Alone Can Not Handle This

News is breaking fast, so fast it's hard to stay caught up. New Top Chef Scott Pioli cashes in on an old secret favor from Coach Belicheat, netting a young QB at far below market value. Even Jay Mariotti thinks this is fishy, and that guy just learned about text messaging.

Brandon Marshall got arrested, but then he got unarrested. So that never happened.

The biggest news, of course, is the giant hubbub concerning Jay Cutler. Was he dangled? Is Coach Doogie in over his head and torching the credibility of a once-proud franchise? Would all this have been avoided by the hiring of a real general manager instead of Colonel Xanders? Most important, what will be the impact on the fragile psyche of our beloved quarterback?

With all of this speculation flying about, it's almost as if the city of Denver needs two daily newspapers to sort through the scuttlebutt...

All of this crap is still in the he said, she said phase, and we here at the House don't comment on idle rumors. We start them, we don't comment on them. I'll just speak in some hypotheticals here, for the purpose of driving the collective conversation squarely in the ditch (also, our bosses have instituted a mandatory three-posts a week rule here to keep one's job).

If Broncos brass did in fact try to deal Cutler away either Matt Cassel or a high pick in April's draft, I think that's a shitty trade. As a Broncos fan I would be livid over such a deal, and I can understand why Jay Cutler would be livid as well. What I can't understand is why Jay Cutler would exhibit that lividity, if lividity is even in fact a word, around anyone whose career is listed as journalismist.

This ain't the first time Young No. 6 has hollered about his discontent with management. Jay thought that the firing of Mike Shanahan was bullshit. He was similarly upset when QB coach left for USC after Coach Doogie took Shanny's seat. Again, I've no issue with his disappointment over losing his professional mentors--my beef is that Cutler bitches in the press before considering what the ramifications of that bitching may be.

You, sir, are a professional football player of untold wealth. In two years or less you'll sign yet another multimillion-dollar contract, and after that no one related to you will ever need to work again. People wear your work uniform as casual attire. In many ways, you have the greatest job in the world.

There are, of course, pitfalls, one of them being that if you complain about that job it's front-page news and fat bloggers like me psychoanalyze you. I can see how that would suck. I like complaining about my job, and saying that my bosses are tools, and threatening to take my bad-ass skills elsewhere if they don't show me the respect I demand. Luckily, no one listens to me and I just mumble away.

You, Jay Cutler, have an audience. People care what you say, for their football fortunes are in large measure tied to your success or failure. Get a fucking grip, dude. Coaches get fired, especially when their teams tank in December and they blow certain playoff appearances. Heads fucking roll. And while we're talking about blame for historic collapses, Mr. Cutler, where exactly were you from December 14 through December 28, two thousand eight? During that period, a team that you took snaps for, a team you've assumed the responsibility for leading, absolutely and completely choked. If you're feeling a little underappreciated, a little disrespected, well, you might have wanted to win one of those games.

On top of that, Cutler, while we're discussing reasons why the unthinkable (trading the face of the franchise) suddenly became utterly thinkable over the weekend, you're kind of a drama queen. There's always something with you, beyond just throwing a fit of hysteria in the press when your cheese gets moved. You've got diabetes. You look incredibly high, and you're one of the only world-class athletes with six chins. You cause a stink by comparing your arm to Elway's. You do the same when you criticize the extracurricular criminal justice adventures of Marshall, your top receiver. Then there's the bizarre spectacle of Phil Rivers berating and mocking you on national TV.

Now I don't think you were in the wrong on any of these--you do possess a gun of Elwayish strength, Marshall is a certified and felonious bonehead, and Phil Rivers can eat a bucket of cock. Does it all have to be so sloppy, though, Cutler? Is it too much to ask that you simply give boring answers to reporters, act like you enjoy your position a little bit and otherwise shut yer hole?

I'm not saying any of this merits trading away an excellent and still-improving your QB. I love Jay Cutler, in fact I'm rather gay for him. My biggest issue with the firing of Shanahan was that I was worried it would retard Cutler's development, and my biggest relief at the addition of McDaniels is the possibility of what he could achieve via Cutler. I dream about Jay Cutler, I write songs about him, and in fact I once broke out some oil paints and a bucket of Photoshop and created this:

So let's all act like adults here. Cutler, swap out for a fresh Tampax and be a man. Coach Doogie, Colonel Xanders, think just a bit before letting weird bullshit like this hit the fan. Bronco fans, chill out. While you were hyperventilating over the impending worthlessness of your No. 6 jersey your defense just got a whole lot better over the weekend. More on that to come--I still have two more posts due this week or I have to go work at Predominantly Orange.

Update: I completely forgot to include this, but Cecil reminded me in his comment on the Marshall story. Peter King reports that Cutler demanded a trade following Jeremy Bates' matriculation to the USC job. If this is true, and call that fat fuck what you will but his reporting is generally accurate, then any boo-hooing over Cutler's feelings is crap. If he asked for a trade, and the team sought a trade, then he can't be upset. End of story.
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