Queue the "Dukes of Hazzard" Theme Song

Alright. Got a day off, and I've got plenty to say about my re-entrance into the realm of industry hospitality, and I'm certain that will entertain a grand total of nobody. In the interim, however, I've got to sort out a few things about the good ol' Kansas City Chiefs, the good ol' Denver Broncos, and the good-ol'-boy-network known as the National Football League.

If you're unfamiliar with my ramblings on this blog, it may be news to you that I am not a fan of Colorado's professional football club. I'm not going to bash them today, though. They stunned everyone -- most notably Mike Tomlin's Pittsburgh Steelers -- yesterday by advancing to the divisional round of the NFL's post-season. Yes, the Steelers were badly hobbled, and no, nobody thought Tim Tebow and company would orchestrate a 300-yard-passing afternoon. Here's the long and short of the contest, though: You're the number-one passing defense in the league. You lose the coin toss to start overtime, and you therefore, are perhaps thinking of coming up with some huge defensive schemes and plays in order to gain possession of the football.

Yes, that was the debut of new post-season overtime rules, so yes -- you might want to come out prepared for the first play from scrimmage. And, by "prepared," I mean send someone into pass coverage. Someone. Anyone. I mean, you don't wanna get torched on an 80-yard touchdown pass and get sent packing before the first overtime commercial break, do you?

Nevertheless, a Denver win. Congratulations to John Fox and his squad.

That brings me to today, though, and if you are familiar with my tiresome drawl on this site, you know that I think the incestuous nature of this league is filthy and disgusting. Every regular season concludes with some head-coaching vacancies, and inevitably, the same old retreads get drug out from behind the last wood shed to which they were cast, and we see the same has-beens give it a go in a new city.

It's annoying, yes, but for the most part, tolerable.

There appears, though, to be some sort of leap-year cycle in football, wherein the whole concept of good ol' boys giving their good, old pals new jobs in different regimes, finds new ceilings, and right now we're in the midst of one of those unprecedented -- at least in my football-viewing liftime -- heights.

I'm not documenting all of this to educate anyone. Rather, it's an exercise for myself, one in which I can attempt to make some sense of it all.

Several seasons ago, Mike Shanahan was fired by Pat Bowlen, and shortly thereafter, Clark Hunt and newly appointed Scott Pioli opted to not retain the services of Herman Edwards. As you may know, Pioli -- then dubbed the top G.M. candidate in football -- is betrothed to a young woman whose father goes by the name of Bill Parcells.

Now, us fans (and lowly bloggers) never know what really goes on inside the NFL's inner circles, so we're left to speculate, and this is what I'm doing here, so keep that in mind.

Pioli gets the job in Kansas City, and it was reported that he wanted to -- shocker -- go to the New England Patriots staff and pick his coach from that crew of knuckleheads, his choice being none other than then-Patriots-offensive-coordinator Josh McDaniels. Denver Bronco G.M. Brian Xander, however, beat him to the punch and hired McDaniels first. This left Pioli to go all Galactic and call up his father-in-law for some advice.

Parcells, having worked with Todd Haley in both New York and Dallas, recommended the then-Arizona-Cardinals offensive coordinator, who happened to have just been one Santonio Holmes touchdown catch away from winning a Super Bowl, so it made sense.

Next, Pioli needed a quarterback for his Chiefs, so he -- shocker -- went to the New England well again, and pulled a trade to get the then-franchise-tagged Matt Cassel, which was who McDaniels also wanted to get to call signals for his Broncos. Somehow, word of this Denver-based desire leaked out, and pissed off then-incumbent-starter Jay Cutler, who threw a tantrum and demanded a trade, which he got.

The swap of Cutler for Kyle Orton, if I remember correctly, netted the Broncos a nice bundle of draft picks, which McDaniels then, quite literally, blew the following season, so he could obtain the services of Tebow. Meanwhile, in Kansas City, Pioli went -- yes, a third shocker -- back to his Foxboro roots once more and obtained the services of Charlie Weis and Romeo Crennel to coordinate both sides of the non-special-teams football.

In the midst of McDaniels' and Haley's second seasons in charge of their respective clubs, the former's squad crushed the latter's and an infamous post-game display of unaffection ensued:



Later in the campaign, Haley's Chiefs (barely) defeated McDaniels' Broncos and the latter was relieved of his duties, courtesy of both a late-season collapse and some hidden-camera shenanigans that McDaniels likely -- shocker number four -- learned from watching his boss Bill Belichick in New England.

That brings us to this year, which featured McDaniels leading an inept St. Louis Rams offense to a two-win effort, and Haley getting fired with three games to go in the regular season. Mind you, the future of the Denver franchise that McDaniels rolled the dice on (read: #15) took over the starting job for Orton, and the former Bear was cut. Kansas City, being without the services of Matt Cassel, claimed Orton off of the waiver wire, and promptly defeated the lossless, defending-Super Bowl-champion Green Bay Packers.

The Chiefs then lose an overtime contest to the Oakland Raiders, courtesy of not one, but two, field-goal attempts blocked by former Patriot Richard Seymour. Kansas City then travelled to Denver, and won a snooze fest over the Broncos, 7-3. It should be noted that said snooze fest featured Orton returning to Denver to defeat his former backup. Tebow and crew, however, eked into the playoffs thanks to a San Diego Chargers victory over the Raiders.

As the buzz of the regular season was still fizzling, New England sent the NFL TPS reports to obtain the services of the now-fired-from-St. Louis McDaniels, who, rumor had it, Pioli had been eyeballing for some position or other in Kansas City.

Following the conclusion of yesterday's wildcard weekend, McDaniels is now on the Patriot staff as an offensive assistant, and will be the club's coordinator next season, meaning that his first assignment is to help guide New England to victory over the franchise that fired him, a franchise led by the quarterback for whom he mortgaged the club's draft picks obtained in the Cutler-Orton trade.

And, back in the midwest, the Chiefs have named Crennel the new head coach, while the Rams appear ready to ink a deal with Jeff Fisher. Reports from Twitter over the weekend indicated that the recently fired Haley and Tony Sparano will be involved in hedging the new offensive plan for St. Louis. Sparano is coming off a once-impressive, mostly disappointing tenure as main man in Miami, and was put there by Parcells. Parcells, no longer employed by the Dolphins, is suspected to be replaced by Carl Peterson, who Scott Pioli replaced in Kansas City.

Basically, the only fresh face in the mix is John Fox in Denver. He has McDaniels' old job and McDaniels' old quarterback. Kansas City has Denver's old quarterback, New England's old quarterback (both of whom are also McDaniels' old quarterbacks), New England's old defensive coordinator, and if you want to add another layer to the mix: the third quarterback on the Chiefs roster is a kid out of Iowa, one of Pioli's favorite places to draft since he's chums with coach Kirk Ferentz.

Haley's in line to take (some form of) McDaniels' old job, along with Sparano, who came from Parcells, who will likely be replaced by Peterson. And McDaniels, in case you didn't catch it, is charged with attempting to defeat the signal caller he so coveted two drafts ago.

In other NFL playoff news, the Saints -- semi-loaded with former Chargers A.J. Smith decided not to keep -- will attempt to knock off Jim Harbaugh (former Bear QB) and the San Francisco 49ers, while the Packers will take on Eli Manning -- who refused to play for the team (San Diego) that drafted him and the New York Giants. Tom Coughlin's Giants made a mockery of the Thomas Dimitroff (another branch of the Pioli tree)'s Atlanta Falcons yesterday, leaving Tony Gonzalez -- who didn't want to stick around for yet another Kansas City rebuild -- with one less playoff win than Tim Tebow (Editor's Note: I'm still kicking myself for not tweeting that first yesterday.).

The other AFC matchup will feature Harbaugh's brother John and the Baltimore Ravens versus the Houston Texans, led by former Shanahan assistant Gary Kubiak.

So, there. None of that's news, really. I just had to suss it out for myself, and decide, after doing so, if I really felt as coated in six layers of Arkansas-truck-bed sibling lust as I thought I did.

Verdict: I do.

Gross.

Go Broncos! (Note: No, not really.)
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Monday Miscellany: Thousand-Story Picture

Love it. Good, good times.

(photo courtesy of David Eulitt of The Kansas City Star) Read more

Thursday ThumbTubes: From the Vault

I'd love to sit here and wax poetic about the reasons why it'd be awesome for the Chiefs to get a win on Sunday, but I'm gonna leave all that time and effort to the more professional sports bloggers. Instead, post-hop, some classic StubTube action. Be safe out there.

Some vintage Iron Mike:

"Spinal"



"Pussy"



What's up, Big Herm?



Two coaches, spanning a decade now, have not been able to get their guys to play to win the game at InVesCo Field and Mile High Stadium. Will Todd Haley be any different?

Of course, Coach Doogie has a different version of that mantra...



Do you need a reason to re-post the AI Practice Press Hop?



Of course you don't.

Let's go, Chiefs. Let's go win.
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Thursday ThumbTubes: Oldie But Goodie

The crew over at Arrowhead Pride just never stops delivering. Great stuff from them all the time. This clip has drive-on-drive highlights from the famous '94 game at the Old Mile High. Lots of familiar names, and lots of terrible post-game gear for the winning team. But most of all, at the 1:00 mark, some 15-year-old home cookin' that the Chiefs were luckily able to overcome.

It's been a minute since the Chiefs were any good, but I still love this rivalry, if you can still call it that.

For other interesting reads over at AP, check out this brief fan Q&A, this piece on Denver Head Coach Josh McDaniels talking about Chiefs quarterback Matt Cassel, and this piece on Cassel talking about McDaniels.
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Uh-Oh

Now, now. We can't have this.

Let's play nice, boys. We can't have the Gene Wojociechowskis of the world saying "
This time, Broncos fans, they're sparing you the agony of the end-of-the-season choke." We also can't really have our coaches telling the other team's players "We own you." Can we?
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Coach Doogs Likes It

As soon as I've got my feet firmly planted on the ground again, I'll offer a few words about this football season. In the meantime, though, I didn't get to see the end of regulation or overtime in the Denver-New England game, but caught it on the radio. So, I knew what a great game and astonishing finish it was, but I didn't, until today, know about the Coach Doogie fist-pumping celebration. It's not really that big of a deal, but something seldom seen from head coaches. And frankly, we're quickly running out of reasons to make fun of the Broncos.

The clip contains all of the highlights of the game, which are worth watching, or you can hustle ahead to about the 5:18 mark for Josh and his enthusiasm.

(courtesy of me, perusing the StubTubes)
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Saturday Studmuffins: Retro Neck Beard

I say, God damn those are some handsome socks.

Let's go, Hoodie, Sr. Show Hoodie, Jr. what time it is.
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Friday Fix: Marshall, Marshall, Marshall

Remember that song "I Love L.A." by Randy Newman?



I'd love to write my own version entitled "I Love B-Marsh." I'd make a video, too. It'd include clips like this one. If ever I think there're clowns on my football team, I look west, and remember what the circus really looks like.

Happy Friday.
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Tradition Tuesday: The Boys Were Back in Town

As you may or may not know, the rough focus of this blog is the rivalry between the Kansas City Chiefs and the Denver Broncos. We stray, as cats are prone to do, from time to time, from said focus, but whenst we return to the almighty bin of nuts and bolts, it's about our two football clubs from the occasionally fantastic American Football Conference, Division West. Cecil and Old No. 7 toot the Denver horn, while I raise the Chief roof, and we both do so in hopes of Lombardi trophies and destroying one another's teams en route. Though our fandom has much deeper roots, we started what we call The Tradition, some nine years ago, wherein we visit one another's stadiums, root for our own teams, and crush our livers with many cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon "Welcome to Life" Light. With many variable affecting these occasions, there are always two certainties: The visiting team is all but guranteed to lose, and we, the HoG Iron Triangle, will definitely underestimate the amount of PBR Light we need, and have to switch to the original recipe, which grossly offends all within a 50-mile radius. The Tradition is a grand old time nonetheless, and we plan to keep it going strong, offspring or no. We therefore bring you, fantastic reader(s) Tradition Tuesday, our weekly state-of-the-rivalry address.

In the words of Carl Peterson, "to be quite frank with you" we haven't exactly been that consistent with anything this feature, and today we're going to keep that theme alive by talking very little Chiefs and even less Broncos. See, The Iron Triangle celebrated a festivity this past weekend, a rare occasion in which we gather not for a football game or a wedding. It was, brash as we may often sound, an event for a good cause, one that took place in our original place of meeting, Durango, CO. The event was a fundraiser for Durango's Women's Resource Center, and there are but a few tidbits of interest: 1) We treated the event much like a Tradition-al Tailgate, arriving many hours earlier than permitted and swilling grain alcohol for breakfast; 2) there may have been one or two nearby participants that found us obnoxiously stentorian (Editor's Note: That's as nice as it's gonna get, and I can promise you: It won't get that nice again.); and 3) we swept the competition with our savory meats, which we did in fact braise and marinate with various rubs and oils.

But enough about that. You came here to read about sports, and so sports is what I'll give you. What follows, is a top ten-ish list of things discussed/learned over the course of the previous seven days. You may find one or all of them to be a bore, but give us a break -- we haven't posted anything in a week, so you're lucky you're getting this.

10) Earvin "Magic" Johnson was more clutch, and better loaded with a caliber of awesomeness than Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, or LeBron James will ever be (Note: This sentence comes with both an invite to discuss in the comments as well as a disclaimer of non-accuracy.). You may, if you feel so inclined, visit the conveniently linked Pro Reference pages attached to each fella's name.

9) The Kansas City Chiefs, since starting new Head Coach Todd Haley's off-season conditioning program, have lost a collective 340 pounds, which is roughly equivalent to three and-a-half orders of The Cure, from the Durango Diner menu.

8) The Pink Polo likes to draw. (Note: If you're in Durango, and interested in purchasing some brewpub paraphernelia, you can't do it here, because that portion of the Web site is down, so you'll have to do it in person, which is a total clusterfuck of a drag. My recommendation? Get cash. Break in after hours. Break into the display case. Find your items. Leave cash.)

7) Andre "Brock Middlebrook" Rison thinks that he is the greatest wide receiver to ever play the game.

6) Yesterday's sports-page poll in USA Today: "How will the Denver Broncos fare in Josh McDaniels' first season as coach?"

Fifteen percent said "better than 8-8," 21 percent said "another 8-8 season," and 64 percent said "a losing record."

Elsewhere in Today news, Mike Ditka and Tony Dungy are skeptical of Jay Cutler's potential in Chicago, while Chad Johnson says that he and Carson Palmer are "like 'Brokeback Mountain.'"

5) Former Boston Red Sox outfielder Mike Greenwell, has hit two inside-the-park grand slams against the same pitcher, Greg Cadaret. The first occasion was on July 9, 1989 against the New York Yankees. The second came 14 months later. Both were balls hit to right field at Fenway Park.

4) I'm pretty sure the name Jake Plummer came up at some point this weekend. I don't recall the circumstances, but whatever. The boys over at BroncoTalk have put together a post in honor of Plummer, a post that has a look at some interesting profile shots on the current Denver Broncos roster. Have a look.

3) I tapped into the logic of Cecil during a quick visit to the carport, and we chatted about the Roger Goodell strategy in suspending Michael Vick before court proceedings for his actions, but not suspending Brandon Marshall. Vick's crimes are largely infamous by now. Allegations against Marshall still fly a touch under the radar in comparison. Let's refresh:

Orlando, Florida, 10/31/04

1) assault on a law enforcement officer,
2) refusal to obey,
3) disorderly conduct
4) resisting an officer

Denver, Colorado, 01/01/07

5) present at a nightclub with then teammates Javon Walker and Darrent Williams, wherein an altercation involving Marshall's cousin and other club patrons allegedly ensued; the alleged retaliation of which resulted in the shooting/death of Williams.

Denver, Colorado, 03/26/07

6) arrested on charges of suspicion of domestic violence

Denver, Colorado, 10/22/07

7) arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol

Atlanta, Georgia, 03/06/08

8) Marshall is booked, then released for a March 3rd incident in which misdemeanor battery charges were later filed against the Bronco in September.

Denver, Colorado, 06/12/08

9) ticketed for an illegal lane change, no proof of insurance or driver license in possession

Atlanta, Georgia, 03/01/09

10) arrested for disorderly conduct

I've heard rumors of 16 charges, etc. against him. Cecil himself claimed 13. The debate, though, remains, why do Vick and Adam Jones get suspended, but not Marshall?

Couple clips for shits and giggles:






2) Naturally, the Iron Triangle had a staggering 30-second conversation about hockey and the NHL. Actually, it was a one-part Q&A between Seven and myself regarding the Stanley Cup Finals schedule. I mentioned what I'd heard, along with the rumors that Conan O'Brien's debut as the host of "The Tonight Show" couldn't be ruined by stupid hockey. And then my wife made fun of me for my pronunciation of Conan, and we got back to talking about old-time baseball. To commemorate, here's a clip with both:



1) Finally, the issue of The Big Lead was briefly addressed. Cecil spoke for all three of us -- and by all three of us, I speak for Seven in typing that -- when he mentioned that Deadspin isn't what it used to be. There were reasons for that, but I'm not going to get into them because the more important issue is that The Big Lead is arguably the best sports blog out there. But, there are two questions that we pose to them, knowing full well that they will never see either: First, why do you publish like five posts on your home page when you have room for about 30 and you're producing roughly a dozen posts a day? For stats? Clicks? Second, who's meatbag do we have to polish to get a link on your page? Christ almighty.

Anyway, that's if for my efforts this week. Tune in tomorrow when Seven promises to deliver two weeks worth of hot chicks, all bundled into one post.
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Tradition Tuesday: Don't Call It a Throwback (Been Here for Years)

Many months ago, in the blessed days when I was the last remaining bachelor of the Iron Triangle, there was, if you will, a meeting of the minds. The topic of said meeting was a mental sumo-wrestling match, the title bout, if you will, of three grown men attempting to figure out what the rough focus of this blog was to be. It was long, gruelling, and torturous, and instead of a trio of obese, castrated Asians in diapers, it was more like three pasty, well-endowed (Editor's Note: Take me seriously when I say that I speak for only myself there.), beer-bellied wordsmiths. The commonality was the battle, though. We entertained, for fewer seconds than I can hardly recall, the following notions:

1) The Ultimate NASCAR Blog
2) The WNBlogA
3) The Billiards and Bowling Blog, and
4) a hybrid of championship poker and tablog-tennis,

but in the end, the gavel slammed, and it was determined that the focus would somehow relate to the rivalry between the Denver Broncos (Cecil and Seven pounced on that pile of rotten meat like starved scoundrels in the desert) and the Kansas City Chiefs (wherein I proudly took one for the team). It was decided as such, given our years of experiencing matriculating to one another's football back yards, where there is always guaranteed a plethora of canned beer, smoked protein, and a vessel's worth of curse words. We fondly titled such excursions The Tradition, which brings us to today, another installment of "Tradition Tuesday," where we bring you the weekly state-of-the-rivalry address.

There are a number of football topics to discuss today, so let's not waste any time. I will expect, as always, extended opining in the comments section by each and every one of you readers. Shall you fail this assignment, I'll be shredding the rest of the week's gold stickers and sending notes home to your parents.

First, we've spent more time discussing the Jay Cutler situation than there are hours in Lent. But the thing won't die. Really. It's like the Peter Griffin-chicken fights in "Family Guy." And like most days in the past three-four weeks, another tidbit has surfaced, and the gang at BroncoTalk delivered an interesting photo



attached to a story, wherein Coach Doogie had just concluded an interview and proudly (Note: By "proudly," I mean nice smile, Mosh.) held up Denver's version of the legacy jersey, foreshadowing of the upcoming "Legacy Games" that will take place this year. Each team will wear a throwback for one road, one away game. McDaniels was quoted in The Denver Post explaining why Young No. 6's work shirt was chosen:

"I wouldn't have wanted it to be any other player,” quoth the Doogster.

On the Kansas City side of things, this means that the Chiefs will don the ol' Texans jerseys. Personally, I have no problem with that whatsoever. The late Lamar Hunt always considered the Dallas Cowboys a rival, and never got a chance to see the Texans take on America's team, in that the Texans were only in Dallas for three seasons. But there's another interesting twist, or two, to that The Kansas City Star article:

"The NFL announced the nationally televised games from the opening weekend of the season. Neither the Chiefs nor the Cowboys are involved, so it’s possible their game could be played on opening weekend...Denver is another possible opponent for the Chiefs that weekend. The league is looking to promote the 50th season since the launch of the old AFL. The league matched two original AFL franchises, the Bills and Patriots, in one opening weekend game and two more, the Chargers and the Raiders, in another."

To either of those, I say bring it. Of course, I don't consider the Cowboys a rival to my Chiefs, but it would be a neat way to kick off the season, and I imagine, a fascinating game as far as seeing where these two teams sit in terms of talent and productivity. If the latter is true, than I can assure you that I know three guys that will be at that game, each of whom clad in throwback helmets of their own. And rest assured, I'm stoked that mine doesn't look the slightest bit gay.

Since the NFL has taken to tossing us fans mere pieces of the schedule pie, I'll note that Denver has been given the Thanksgiving evening game. I think that's fantastic for two reasons: 1) The Chiefs got it three years ago, and it was a blast. I spent most of Tuesday and Wednesday of that week preparing Thanksgiving dinner, and figuring exactly how I would re-heat in the Arrowhead parking lot without drying everything out. It was great fun. It was not something I'd want to do every year because it was a lot of work, and frankly, Thanksgiving should be spent with families, unless you're a Packer or a Lion fan, and you've been doing that your whole life. 2) I think each great football community should have such an experience, and I include Denver -- even if they are pillow-biting uncle-fuckers -- in that sentiment.

There are two oddities about the thing, though: 1) As I'm sure you either already knew, or have since concluded, why is Denver in the mix for a second time three seasons into this new tradition? I mean, aside from the fact the the Broncos get 11 prime-time telecasts per year and 12 of those are home games, I thought the notion of this gig was to spread the games around. 2) They're hosting the Giants? Whatever. That's just, well, aside from the pout-fest -- or as Kissing Suzy Kolber put it: "Cutler and Eli having a sulk-off" -- factor, completely lame.

As for other news with the teams, Broncos Gab reports that the club is interested in shopping some of its tailbacks, and that some non-Cutler McDaniels decisions have irritated some teammates, while Mile High Report offers, well, more Cutler:



KC Chiefs Football wants us to know that Chairman Clark Hunt is interested in keeping Tony Gonzalez, unsure about Brian Waters and Larry Johnson. Arrowhead Addict looks at some affordable free agents the Chiefs might could consider, and if that's not enough Chiefs/Broncos information to make you want to throw up, then hopefully this will be:


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The Meltdown

Even this morning as I, jacked up on coffee, wrote a long post taking issue with so-called McJayGate (which is totally not predictable at all; in fact, let's keep adding the suffix "-gate" onto every mild controversy from here unto eternity) I didn't necessarily expect that things would completely fall apart quite yet.

I actually didn't think that Cutler was really going anywhere. I figured he'd angle for a trade, make a lot of noise, maybe skip a few workouts, eventually realize he had no options and then come back and play the season.

But, well, today Pat Bowlen had this to say, from the Denver Post (who else?):

"I'm very disappointed," Broncos owner Pat Bowlen said Sunday of the feud between his quarterback and first-year coach. "I'm disappointed in the whole picture, not just disappointed that we might lose our star quarterback."

So much for talent, Broncoville. Cutler may be a massive head case with maturity issues and an overall losing record, but he's clearly superior to Chris Simms.

Simms, by the by, in addition to having great taste in old school basketball jerseys and no spleen, would have made more jingle as Jay's backup than Jay would as the starter. Whoa.

I mean, Chris Simms.

Chris Simms.

Fuck. Me.

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Early Morning Internettery

A personal note before the goofiness: this last week was pretty fucking tough. My college instructor, mentor, co-worker and friend James Meadow died following a bad bike accident at Chatfield Reservoir, only one week after the Rocky went out of business.

Went to the memorial service yesterday morning. The Mayor was there, so was Barry Fey. Seemingly everyone in Denver, actually. The Governor issued a special proclamation declaring yesterday "James Meadow Day" and I broke down listening to "For A Dancer" even though I can't stand Jackson Browne.

James was a 3-D comet in an industry populated by cardboard cutouts. He was unafraid of life. He was one of the finest writers I've ever encountered or will ever encounter. He loved the semi-colon; Hickenlooper told a story about a discussion between Meadow and Kurt Vonnegut, who hated semi-colons and said they were "hermaphrodites." Meadow's response was "in the hands of a good writer, that's a very sexually active hermaphrodite."

He was a Prima Donna, a pain in the ass and a cocky New York Yankees fan. He was also my friend. If I'm lucky enough to leave the world half of what he did, I'll have lived a better life than I ever would have dreamed. Adios, old man.

That's out of the way. Thanks for sitting through it. Here are a few bumps along the ones 'n' zeroes superhighway for you both. Enjoy 'em.

First, more Cutler! Mike Klis actually brings something to the table with this one--specifically, the idea that Belichick was pushing Cassel hard and that a trade never even came close to happening. Interesting. Also worth noting: the comments below, which lower humanity's common denominator to the point where merely pulling a breath should be considered a triumph of the intellect.

Also, this--which is arguably the biggest story and got the smallest newshole. So a "sourced report" from CBS4 indicates that another meeting took place on Saturday morning? And said "source" (cough cough Bus Cook cough) said that it didn't go well?

Look, Vic Lombardi clearly has someone feeding him info here, and given that each one of these scoops has been slanted toward the "Jay is being mistreated and feels upset" angle, it's hard to imagine the source being anyone *but* Cook. Or maybe Cutler's daddy. All I know is, at this point, how can anyone not think the kid and his people are actively angling for a trade? It's not even behind the scenes, anymore.

Enough of the disingenuousness. Enough hiding behind your righteous indignation, Jay. Out with it. Your defenders in the media can only write you so many excuse notes--and honestly, Woody Paige's are full of misspellings and sentence fragments.

For instance, Dave Krieger may think we Bronco fans are just a flock of Nubian goats waiting to trot behind a crook-toting Pat Bowlen, but we can still see that the sky is blue behind these orange-tinted goggles. A fan's loyalty is to a team, not a player. The columnists and talking heads can't ever quite grasp that--or more accurately, don't care to--because they are professional non-rooters.

They like individuals. Especially individuals with good back-stories. Especially individuals with good back-stories who work for a columnists' favorite charity.

(Don't think that plays a role, here? Check out Krieger's work in the future for one of his eternally positive mentions of Bernie Bickerstaff, who ran the Nuggets into the dirt but let Dave's son practice on the court back in the day, or something similar. He'll be tootin' Cutler's horn long after he leaves town.)

Drives me nuts. Anyhow.

In something of a first for me, hockey.

Al Davis, don't you ever change.

Both the Broncos and Chefs will end up with at least one player each from this list. Possibly more. I like Frank Cooney because, unlike nearly every draft analyst extant, he writes in complete sentences.

I periodically link to this. Simply because of The Awesome.

And in an effort to give some equal time to the tooth-gnashing happening next the Missouri river, here. It should also be acknowledged that posters at the KC Star's website are by and large toothless hayseeds who make corn likker in the shed and married their younger sisters.
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The Other Shoe

So the Post, lone broadsheet guardian of Denver journalism, reports that the big phone meeting between Coach Doogie, Colonel Xanders, Bowlen, Cutler and Cutler's useless hayseed agent didn't go particularly well.

I'm torn, right now. I want to side with Cutler, really, but McDaniels' position--especially considering the report via rumorville that Jay blew off Bowlen's calls--makes some sense.

You do have to wonder where this is coming from. Armstrong brought it up on The Fan today--what role does Daddy play, here?

Cutler's pop is constantly at practice. At games. In the boss' ears. Doing the Gator Chomp when the kid was playing at Florida in college. He was blustery after the draft, grumbling about his son being underrated by Mel Kiper--which was true, but still. You just don't see many stage dads in the NFL, right? Marv Marinovich?

The whole mess is bizarre. Ol' No. 7 might be faced with the possibility of rooting for a Texas Longhorn as Denver QB in '09. Heaven help us all.

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Feeling the Draft '09: What They Are Saying

The previous few days' brouhaha over Mr. Tennessee Hairy almost distracted me from my current bloggin' priority.

Thankfully for you both, said near-distraction never got very far past "almost." It's still draft time, I'm still mooning over 20 year-old dudes from state colleges and you're still here to eagerly lap up whatever blog-milk I spill, you...you...blog-milk lappers, you.

Past the leap, we'll offer an array of links and opinions related to the upcoming 2009 NFL Player Draft. So ease up on that inhaler, Percy, and follow along...


The fantastically-moustached Pat Kirwan posted his latest mock draft. I love mock drafts, because even the quoteunquote experts get them nearly entirely wrong, always. Mock Drafts are the Great Leveler--alongside the global economy, the internet, death, taxes, lower back pain and picking your schnoz at a stoplight.

Seriously, next time you're at a stoplight, look at the car next to you. Dude will be picking his nose. It's a guarantee.

My favorite Canadian draft site--these guys are like the NFL draft analyst version of The Onion's 'Outside Scoop with Jackie Harvey'--lists their top 100 players.

Pro Football Weekly says that the man almost everyone has the Chefs picking at #3 is the best investment in the draft.

NFL Draft analyzing guy Rob Rang picks his NFL Ecksteins. While most of his choices seem like they were suggested by Bill Plaschke over a big meal of Spam, Sno-Cap lard and Eskimo Pies, I do love me some Rashad Jennings. Pay attention plz, Coach Doog.


Image from www.the-hug.org
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Tradition-al Side Affects: Then When He Leave for Nashville, He Be Talkin' Again

I'm not sure who should be saying, "That's my bike, punk!" in all of this mess, but if there's one thing to be said about being on the other side of the esteemed-excellence fence, it's that it sure is worth a chuckle when the collective orange-and-blue panties get bunched up. To the chagrin of some, that chuckle qualifies as a guffaw when said bunchy britches stay that way for three days and counting. And much like the rest of the events that unfolded, and eventually started this massive wedgie, everyone's got two cents, even in this economy. After the jump, we'll stop by a few of our favorite tubular reading holes to see just what it is folks be sprayin' about ol' Screamin' Jay from Vandy. Of course, we won't be able to get any quotes from the college freshman now wearing the Denver Motorola, but based on the efforts of the more-professional reporters of the world, we'll at least hope to scoop up a hint.

Let's tackle this now-overblown (Editor's Note: Or is it?) issue with some sense of chronology, mixed with a heavy dose of humor. If you haven't seen the most recent Marmalard/Cutlerfucker post over at Kissing Suzy Kolber, it is a must for any who have seen their previous Philip Rivers pieces. Hell, even for those who haven't, it's pretty flippin' rad. My segments are: "Ooooohhh Josh, Josh. That’s gold, man. That’s a shart and a half. Never knew you were funny like that. Cutler for Rivers? Sure, and then you can dip my wife’s tits in apple butter and scrape ‘em on your toast." and "CUTLERFUCKER’S GONNA BE THE END OF YOU! HE’LL PUT THE SULKFACE CHICKEN WING ON YOUR CAREER! 38 COACHES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA, ALL THANKS TO THAT FROWNYFACE TEABAGGER!"

Okay. Screw the order schtick. Fast forward to today, where this gem was posted over at With Leather. If you're feeling too lazy to click and read, allow me to summarize: Dan Patrick had Scott Hastings on his show. Hastings works for the Denver Nuggets in some modicum of television analysis, and he had some choice words for the nearly traded Denver quarterback. Words that look precisely similar to "arrogant little punk" and "he's a little bitch." The capper was this:

"When Josh McDaniel was introduced as head coach, Cutler didn’t even appear at the press conference. Hastings thinks that as the team leader, Cutler should’ve done everything in his power to appear there to support the new coach. He is, after all, the team leader."

There's also this tidbit penned by danzinski over at Pacman Jonesin':

"Dear Jay: They didn’t trade you. You don’t have to refer to your career with the Broncos in the past tense. At this rate you’re going to supplant Brett Favre as the most hang-dog, sad-sack quarterback of all time. Oh, one note on that: Bus Cook also represents Cutler. Bus may have hooked Jay up with Brett for some lessons in how to spew and blubber. Maybe Brett also taught Jay his other favorite bit: Forcing a team to give him what he wants by retiring. We await Jay’s announcement with breathless anticipation."

All of these details have BroncosCountry a bit shaken up, as Mr. East at BroncoTalk reports:

"This feeling is because of the ambiguity surrounded by this whole situation, you’re not sure who cheated you. Was it Cutler who asked for the trade earlier? Was it McDaniels and Xanders who asked first? Why can’t Brandon Marshall stay out of cuffs? Why can’t Cutler meet with McDaniels? This drama never happened before. It’s not just one person’s fault, it’s a collective group of mistrials that are tearing apart at the soul of your fandom."

Now, everyone's got to assume that McDanahan and Cutlerfucker will patch this up and start thinking about O.T.As. In the bizarre possibility that they don't, Bill Williamson looks at possible options for Young No. 6, which include Chicago, Detroit, Minnesota, Tampa Bay, San Francisco and the J-E-T-S Jets, Jets, Jets.

The boys over at Mile High Report have acquired information from Denver's CBS4 that there will be no trade involving Cutlerfucker. It has been said by an alleged Broncos insider (Gary Miller) that Mosh and Jay Jams will "will have a face-to-face meeting" "sometime next week when the quarterback is due to return to Colorado." They added some other words from a Broncos spokesman (Patrick Smyth) that hammered home an owner/coach-stamped message saying that the Broncos are not going to trade Jay Cutler. Period.

And hey -- that's what we expected to hear all along. What we don't expect to hear is Drew Rosenhausesque crap falling from Cutler's agent Bus Cook, who dropped this doozy yesterday:

"I do think under the circumstances it was very poor on their part if in fact they were trying to trade Jay...You don't know what's true and what's not true. Depends on what you read. It's unfortunate because Jay was getting in the groove out there in Denver, and all this just threw him out of kilter."

Frankly, most of this hype isn't helping. The Denver Post has published quotes from Nugget Carmelo Anthony, who said, "You got to learn that it is a business, especially with him... (Cutler) has been the guy who they've been saying could be the next (John) Elway perhaps." And Anthony's coach, George Karl chimed in as well: "Jay's got to understand there have been a lot greater players than him that have been talked about in trades. When the contracts are so big, every player is probably discussed." Apparently, Karl thought ill of this Cutler comment to the Post: "I don't play for the coaches anyway; I play for teammates. As long as we keep the guys we've got, I'll go out there and play."

In the end, consolidated papers, basketball figures, and stupid bloggers (Note: Catches reflection of self in monitor.) should just keep their mouths shut, their fingers idle. At least, I suppose that's the moral of the story for somebody out there.
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Making Sense of the Nonsensical

My first post on my new computer. Dude, it's totally a Dell. Beats the shorts off the free Mac I had been using, which was given to us (!) by one of my wife's co-workers and probably came backed up with Asian ladyboy porn (Ed. Note: it didn't actually arrive with, but leaving me, that's a different story) which was so slow that I'd type a sentence and have to wait for the words to appear. RIP, free computer. Now you're only good for scopin' free boobs.

So, sitting here listening to ex-Ram David Anderson impersonating Sonny Lubick on 104.3 The Fan. Priceless. I didn't think anyone could get the accent--a melange of Montana, Brooklyn and Sesame Street--quite right. I was wrong. I sure hope we sign him so we get a steady dose of this all season long. He's also a pretty sharp kid, and physically resembles Wes Welker but without all that pesky production.

On to the biggest issue facing Denver's favorite professional squad: what happens if they really do want to move Cutler?

After Doogie and Colonel Xanders screwed this whole recent episode up so badly--or didn't, depending--it's fair to wonder what, exactly, the future holds. Do they think that Cutler can't do it? Did they just prefer Cassel? Was the whole thing a public relations fuck-up? Or is there something about Cutler (drinky drinky attitude problem diabetes interceptions) that they just didn't like?

Given the Patriots-esque attitude toward the news media and Denver's new status as a one-paper town, we're not likely to ever really know what the people in charge were thinking. We do know this: they wanted to get rid of the starting QB. They also don't want to re-sign the backup, one Patrick Ramsey.

Which brings us, finally, to the point of this post. If no Cutler, what? They aren't going to make a play for Kurt Warner. Too old and expensive, like trying to make it with Mae West in 1963. Jeff Garcia freelances too much, has a wet kluski for an arm and is balding in an unseemly fashion. And on, and on--there simply aren't any non-draft options to fill the position.

Unless...

This rumor is the single best alternative I've heard. It's also made up out of whole cloth and totally unreasonable. Yet Sports Illustrated dot com picked it up this a.m., so it's got legs and ain't going away any time soon.

Both of you, discuss.

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Tuesday Tidbits: But Will He Cut the Sleeves?

You know what I really like about the Denver Broncos Football Club? It's that you can always recognize the few respectable members of it pretty much right away. Conversely, there are select members that show signs of developing into ultimate tools, and there are some that're just gonna gay it up right away. So Mosh McDanahan will don the hoodie on the sidelines.

Two birds, one stone, eh? Class up that side of the field and stroke Belichick's much-neglected ego. I can't wait to see that kickoff that has Mos' Dan in the hoodie and Nolan in the suit. You stay classy, Denver.

(props to Mile High Report for the news and the image)
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Nickname Needed

What's funny about this hire is that no one knows a God damned thing about Josh McDaniels. Sure, we're hip to his offensive style and play-calling and can project upon him our own visions of the kind of leader he'll be.

But the fact is, none of us have heard him speak. We don't know if he has an accent, or a hot wife, or if he watches Top Chef, or if he's addicted to cigarettes and tanning beds. My wife thinks he's cute, which totally means he can coach the shit out of some football.

One thing that bothers me is that Josh McDaniels is a cumbersome name and needs to be shortened, abbreviated or modified. There are tools out there that will call him J-Mac, but that moniker is already reserved for that special needs kid who drains threes.

I say we call him Doogie. Or, if you want to be formal, Coach Doogie McSparkyshorts.

Don't like it? Leave suggestions in the comments, you jackals.
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A Warm Rocky Mountain Empire McWelcome to...

The young gentleman of Irish descent who evidently has just been hired as the Head Coach of the Denver Broncos, Josh McDaniels.

Late of the New England squad, McDaniels is mostly famous for presiding over that team's record-breaking '07 offense and dealing, very successfully, with Matt Cassel as his starter following Tom Brady's awful, Chefs-caused injury in this season's first game. He was a college wide receiver, at that powerhouse John Carroll, and even has a history on the defensive side, having coached the Pats' secondary in '03 and worked as a defensive assistant. By all accounts he's bright, capable, hard-working and probably also clean, thrifty, brave and reverent.

He's also 32 years old and looks two decades younger. He's likely going to bring in this big-eared serial failure, probably as a defensive coordinator. And isn't QB coach Jeremy Bates--same age, already has Cutler's ear--under contract already? How's that going to shake out?

I'm pissed that we didn't get Leslie Frazier. Or Spagnuolo. Dom Capers, fuck.

But then, I also bought an Urban Dance Squad album. In a store. With my own money. I suppose I should wait until he at least fills his staff out officially--or hell, even until the Broncos actually acknowledge his hire--to bash him. There will be plenty of time for that later, I'm afraid.

Late Update: Adam Schefter, who once ruled Denver football news without topping 5'5", says that ex-Bronco assistant, Ravens defensive coordinator and San Francisco head coach Mike Nolan is going to be McDaniels' choice at DC. We're moving to the 3-4 without a nose tackle. This draft is going to be huge.


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