The Denver Post Alone Can Not Handle This

News is breaking fast, so fast it's hard to stay caught up. New Top Chef Scott Pioli cashes in on an old secret favor from Coach Belicheat, netting a young QB at far below market value. Even Jay Mariotti thinks this is fishy, and that guy just learned about text messaging.

Brandon Marshall got arrested, but then he got unarrested. So that never happened.

The biggest news, of course, is the giant hubbub concerning Jay Cutler. Was he dangled? Is Coach Doogie in over his head and torching the credibility of a once-proud franchise? Would all this have been avoided by the hiring of a real general manager instead of Colonel Xanders? Most important, what will be the impact on the fragile psyche of our beloved quarterback?

With all of this speculation flying about, it's almost as if the city of Denver needs two daily newspapers to sort through the scuttlebutt...

All of this crap is still in the he said, she said phase, and we here at the House don't comment on idle rumors. We start them, we don't comment on them. I'll just speak in some hypotheticals here, for the purpose of driving the collective conversation squarely in the ditch (also, our bosses have instituted a mandatory three-posts a week rule here to keep one's job).

If Broncos brass did in fact try to deal Cutler away either Matt Cassel or a high pick in April's draft, I think that's a shitty trade. As a Broncos fan I would be livid over such a deal, and I can understand why Jay Cutler would be livid as well. What I can't understand is why Jay Cutler would exhibit that lividity, if lividity is even in fact a word, around anyone whose career is listed as journalismist.

This ain't the first time Young No. 6 has hollered about his discontent with management. Jay thought that the firing of Mike Shanahan was bullshit. He was similarly upset when QB coach left for USC after Coach Doogie took Shanny's seat. Again, I've no issue with his disappointment over losing his professional mentors--my beef is that Cutler bitches in the press before considering what the ramifications of that bitching may be.

You, sir, are a professional football player of untold wealth. In two years or less you'll sign yet another multimillion-dollar contract, and after that no one related to you will ever need to work again. People wear your work uniform as casual attire. In many ways, you have the greatest job in the world.

There are, of course, pitfalls, one of them being that if you complain about that job it's front-page news and fat bloggers like me psychoanalyze you. I can see how that would suck. I like complaining about my job, and saying that my bosses are tools, and threatening to take my bad-ass skills elsewhere if they don't show me the respect I demand. Luckily, no one listens to me and I just mumble away.

You, Jay Cutler, have an audience. People care what you say, for their football fortunes are in large measure tied to your success or failure. Get a fucking grip, dude. Coaches get fired, especially when their teams tank in December and they blow certain playoff appearances. Heads fucking roll. And while we're talking about blame for historic collapses, Mr. Cutler, where exactly were you from December 14 through December 28, two thousand eight? During that period, a team that you took snaps for, a team you've assumed the responsibility for leading, absolutely and completely choked. If you're feeling a little underappreciated, a little disrespected, well, you might have wanted to win one of those games.

On top of that, Cutler, while we're discussing reasons why the unthinkable (trading the face of the franchise) suddenly became utterly thinkable over the weekend, you're kind of a drama queen. There's always something with you, beyond just throwing a fit of hysteria in the press when your cheese gets moved. You've got diabetes. You look incredibly high, and you're one of the only world-class athletes with six chins. You cause a stink by comparing your arm to Elway's. You do the same when you criticize the extracurricular criminal justice adventures of Marshall, your top receiver. Then there's the bizarre spectacle of Phil Rivers berating and mocking you on national TV.

Now I don't think you were in the wrong on any of these--you do possess a gun of Elwayish strength, Marshall is a certified and felonious bonehead, and Phil Rivers can eat a bucket of cock. Does it all have to be so sloppy, though, Cutler? Is it too much to ask that you simply give boring answers to reporters, act like you enjoy your position a little bit and otherwise shut yer hole?

I'm not saying any of this merits trading away an excellent and still-improving your QB. I love Jay Cutler, in fact I'm rather gay for him. My biggest issue with the firing of Shanahan was that I was worried it would retard Cutler's development, and my biggest relief at the addition of McDaniels is the possibility of what he could achieve via Cutler. I dream about Jay Cutler, I write songs about him, and in fact I once broke out some oil paints and a bucket of Photoshop and created this:

So let's all act like adults here. Cutler, swap out for a fresh Tampax and be a man. Coach Doogie, Colonel Xanders, think just a bit before letting weird bullshit like this hit the fan. Bronco fans, chill out. While you were hyperventilating over the impending worthlessness of your No. 6 jersey your defense just got a whole lot better over the weekend. More on that to come--I still have two more posts due this week or I have to go work at Predominantly Orange.

Update: I completely forgot to include this, but Cecil reminded me in his comment on the Marshall story. Peter King reports that Cutler demanded a trade following Jeremy Bates' matriculation to the USC job. If this is true, and call that fat fuck what you will but his reporting is generally accurate, then any boo-hooing over Cutler's feelings is crap. If he asked for a trade, and the team sought a trade, then he can't be upset. End of story.