Monday Night Meltdown

Well, that was just darn fantastic. Really. Splendid, even. Nothing better than to watch the Denver Broncos lose one of its 12 home, eight prime-time football contests in such humiliating fashion.

To Denver's credit, their pass rush stayed alive, getting to Big Ben Roethlisberger and generating a fumble, one that was returned for a touchdown. Beyond that? They were terrible. Terrible shreds of yellow-and-black towels. And Pittsburgh's pick six? Serves McDoogs right for drumming up something as gay sounding as "Wild Horses." But, I have two points to make, points I've been saying since the season was a couple of games underway, and I'll share them with you, after the jump.

First, it is now officially time to remove the words "shutdown" and "corner" from any vicinity wherein one finds Champ Bailey's name. He's still one of the better defensive backs in the game, but he is far removed from any sort of a shutdown variety. He got owned, schooled, and worked over tonight time and time again.

Second, is the Denver schedule. Deny it all you want, Denver: Your early portion of the 2009 schedule was soft. You won by a stroke of luck to open the season against Cincinnati. You then beat Cleveland (now 1-7), Oakland (now 2-6), Dallas (now 6-2) in a win that Tony Romo handed you on a silver-and-blue-starred platter, New England (now 6-2) in a win that you certainly deserve credit for, albeit you know your coach got way the eff up for that contest, and San Diego (now 5-3) which was an impressive road win.

Well, that's ridiculous, you say. Four of those six teams are +.500. We dominated in all of those wins.

Fine, fine. Say your piece. My point, though, is that you went on the bye, and came back to face Baltimore at home and host Pittsburgh. You dropped both of those contests, were outscored 58-17, and here, in your effort this evening, saw your coveted game manager toss three picks and couldn't even generate a rushing first down in the entire game. But hey, at least Brandon Marshall had some 10 catches, and the announcing crew got to say "Ryan Clady is special" half a dozen times.

Next week you travel to Washington. Guaranteed win, right? Hell, even the Chiefs beat them. But wait. What if Danny and Jimmy pick up Larry Johnson, and he's looking to prove himself to the world, and has a chance to do so against a team he probably doesn't care for too much. Not that he cares for anyone not nicknamed L.J., but you see my point. Then you host the again hot-on-your-heels Chargers, who'll be hungry for revenge, and the Giants, who've lost four straight, but have this week off and a home game against Atlanta to figure it all out. And then you come to Arrowhead for the first of your two losses to Kansas City.

Granted, I know you didn't have immense expectations for this season, but if you're not a tad concerned about that rickety wheel you hear, allow me to tell you you should be.
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Tradition Tuesday: Chucky On The Mic

This is the House of Georges, and if you're somehow stumbling upon Tradition Tuesday for the first time then welcome. You may click on the "Tradition" tag at the bottom of this post for some background on how we built up the bogus legacy for this project.

If you've been here before, well, you know the drill. Chiefs sucks, Broncos rule, yappity yap yap yap.

This week we focus on a topic that directly relates to neither the Kansas City nor Denver franchises in the National Football League, but rather to all fans. Even Raider fans, and Cowboy fans, and those freaktards that wear styrofoam on their head and deny that Brett Favre would ever even think about suiting up for the Vikings.

We mark the end of an era this week, gentlemen. Tony Kornheiser has hung up the Monday Night Football headset, and Jon Gruden is matriculating into the chair. Whether or not our teams are playing on Monday Night, we all watch this game. It's the only way to make back the rent money before Chico comes knocking. I have a simple request for Mr. Gruden, and since Chucky is a loyal HoG reader I know he's listening.

Please go away.

I know you already took the job, but no one will care if you flake out and quit. You too, Tirico, and Jaws to boot. Go away and leave us our Monday game to enjoy.

There once was a time when I really liked Tony Kornheiser, but his past few seasons on MNF have been painful. I don't even blame Tony, he's a neurotic dweeb who was cast as a neurotic dweeb on a TV show. That's the issue with MNF--it is a TV show first and a game second. ESPN has convinced themselves that they've purchased the premier sports property on TV, and that they have to jazz it up into some spectacle to draw more eyeballs. Why can't they see that if they leave MNF the fuck alone, we'll all still watch. Hell, I'll even watch more often, because I won't have to listen to American Idol updates or three guys who've never played fantasy football tell me that I should go get Peyton Manning for my roto team.

I have an idea: go to a Gambler's Anonymous meeting and grab the guy with the least seniority--he'll have the most up-to-date handicapping information. He's your new play-by-play guy. Then go to ESPN.com and find the guy participating in the highest number of online fantasy leagues. He's your color man.

These guys will understand the significance of that seemingly meaningless fourth-quarter Jason Witten score. Why 612 people in Vegas and another 1237 nationwide just lost their minds after the rest of us went to sleep. ESPN and Tirico spend all this time on the standings, and the latest T.O. controversies, and whose mom just died--look, no one fucking cares. Seriously. No one cares. We just want to watch the game.

So stop with the ten-hour pregame and the showy hires for the three-man booth. For God's sake, GET RID OF THE THREE MAN BOOTH. No one wants to listen to Gruden, or Kornheiser, or Jaws, or Frank Gifford or Dennis Miller or Dan Fouts or Joe Theezman, fight for breathing space with two other dudes. None of these guys ever made my football-watching experience better, they only made it worse.

As much as it pains me to say it, ESPN, just follow the example of Joe Buck. I hate Joe Buck, and if I ran into him at a Holiday Inn I would eat a bunch of jalapenos and shit on his copy of USA Today. But when Joe Buck covers a football game he doesn't try to reinvent the broadcast industry, he just calls the game. Sure, he embellishes with stories about how much of a douchebag Joe Buck is. But for the most part he allows the game to happen and fills us, the viewers, in on what we need to get through to the next play.

You know why Joe Buck does this? Because there's always another game on when he's calling his football. He knows that if he's too annoying I'll just watch the CBS game, or golf or motocross or something.

ESPN is keenly aware that I, as a man, have zero options on Monday night. I can give in to the wife and watch The Bachelor, or I can stick my head in the oven and turn on the gas. I have to watch the game, or I'll lose remote privileges forever.

Alls I'm saying, Jon Gruden, is that you don't have to continue this legacy of ruining all our lives. You can take a stand and tell ESPN to suck a cock. Hell, you did it to Al Davis. Just say something smart once in a while, or better yet, say nothing at all. Remain completely mute throughout the broadcast, even when Tirico directly addresses you. It would be fantastic.

Unless the Chiefs are playing, which might happen sometime in 2017. Then you can talk.
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