Pickin' & Grinnin': Week Something

Bad times were had at the HoGQuarters this week, when The Wife perused the old bank statement. She's all like "Why are we so broke?" only she used a whole lot more curse words, and I tried to explain why the Falcons should cover every week, they just don't. Fucking Joey Harrington...when will I ever learn that your fine piano skills do not translate to the brutish symphony that is the NFL?

So I've now been cut off from most sources of gambling funding, but I was able to keep the contents of my Super Secret Reserve Piggy Bank Of Benjamin Cheese all to myself. How, you ask? Because it's Super Secret, you God damned idiot. I don't tell The Wife about it. I only reveal it to you, Perfect Internet Stranger, because I know you won't tell her. We're cool, right?

Now the Super Secret Reserve is prodigious, but I can't be foolish with this cash. It's how I buy really important things that don't pass the Bank Statement Test. Like boxes of cigars. And mescal. And Pay-Per-View showings of Into The Blue ("Honey, you have no idea how good an actor Paul Walker is. Jessica Alba's in that? You don't say.").

Anyway, in order to protect and grow the S.S.R.P.B. o' B.C., I've devised a strategery that will turn the 1-4 of the last few weeks into solid gold five and oh, bitches. Follow along, dear readers, and join me in profit...

I've always had a minor wagering tendency to bet against my favorite team. It's a perfect way to hedge, so long as you're not actively rooting against your boys. If your team gets beat, at least you make a little cash. But I always felt guilty afterward. Actually, I didn't.

So why not take that little urge and blow it up? Not only does it completely remove your natural bias to bet on teams you like, it insulates you from the pain and suffering of dealing with yet another painful (insert your crappy team here) loss. Let's bet big on the teams we hate!

First off, I hate the Steelers. I've met a lot of people from Pittsburgh, and most of them have to inform any neighbors that have small children when they move into a new place. Not really, but I've never been able to get over that AFC Championship loss in Denver a couple years ago. Man I hate the Steelers.

Luckily for the Terrible-Towel-waving assholes descending upon Invesco this weekend, Broncos' home losses have become about as common as public views of Jeff Reed's junk. Denver has dropped five of the last seven on the shoulder of I-25, and those two wins came courtesy of a whiffed Bengals extra point (aka "The Christmas Miracle") and a whiffed Raider field goal (aka "The Clockblock Timeout Shanahanigan"). Bet the Steelers. Bet 'em big. They're gonna destroy my Broncos. And if, by some weird twist of magic, Denver wins, I will cry tears of joy while I hock my washing machine. The Pick: Steelers -3 1/2

The Chiefs make the trek to Oakland this week, and this is a tough one. Because, you know, both these teams make me want to kick a cat. But the Raiders are a feeble old shell (Editor's Note: That was a totally inadvertent pun.) of their former greatness. The Chiefs, meanwhile, have tickled the scrotum of respectability for quite some time now. So I hate them more. It is that hatred for Kansas City and its residents that provides much of the fuel in this here House. So what do we do with the hated Chefs? Great Googly Moogly, we bet on the bastards. And if they lose, well, that's really awesome. The Pick: Chiefs +2 1/2

In other, related news, if someone asked me to name the three teams that lick the most sweaty balls, I would have to think about it a long time. But after that span, I would realize that the words Colts-Patriots-Chargers had instinctively jumped out of my mouth immediately. And since the Chargers don't play this week, hey, Cowboys it is.

Until someone slows 'em down, keep going with Brady and the Belicheats. The Pick: Patriots -16 1/2

I don't buy the Jags as an elite team. Sorry. The Pick: Colts -3

The NFC stinks, but if you think about it, the NFC really sucks. The Pick: Cowboys -9 1/2

What's fun about this strategy is you can tailor it to your own personal tastes. If you hate the Broncos, for instance, feel free to bet on them. You'll lose, but it will be a loss filled with smug satisfaction. And who can place a price on that?

On the season we're 14-17.