The Most Boring Post You Will Ever Read

Man nothing, and I mean nothing, is more boring than hearing about another guy’s fantasy team. I love me some fantasy sports, and I play in a lot of leagues, but the thought of hearing some hairy loser detail his depth at catcher or his sleeper tight end makes me murderous. If I’m in the league, that’s great. That’s why we play. I’ll give you shit about how bad your QB is, and you’ll remind me that I always choke and you boned my mom last night, and we laugh heartily. But tell me about some random league and I’ll stab you in the thigh, punter.

That said, I need to issue a warning to that one reader we have. I’m now going to fucking BREAK DOWN a league that you are not in. It’s going to be boring as shit. It will be so lame you may want to go and watch Around The Horn. But sit tight, pal. You will get sucked in, for two good God damned reasons:

1. My team kicks ass


2. Everyone else’s team really blows

See? You’re already loving it. I’ve created an “Us-vs.-Them” theme that we’ll see through. First, a little history:

The Ted Williams Frozen Head league was created in 2004 by me. 2004 was a pretty rad year on several fronts. It was the year I met my future wife, the year I got my dog, and my best golf year ever. I broke 90 three times that year, and at some point in the future I’ll break down every hole—that will be thrilling. But more important than any of that shit, 2004 was the year baseball’s greatest franchise broke through, toppled your boys the Yankees, and won the title.

You may have heard something about this. There was a blood-soaked sock involved.

Anyway, we’d been playing fantasy football for years and it was sweet, so we took the plunge. In that inaugural year my team was really good in the regular season and then lost in the playoffs. My buddy (whom we’ll call Asshole Yankee Fan) won the title despite a clearly inferior club.

In 2005, the exact same thing happened. And last year too. There are eight other owners in this league, including the HoG’s very own Cecil and Bank, but they don’t matter much. This is about me and my nemesis, and he’s going down this year. These are your 2007 lineups for the Ted:

MAKING NOISES FOR MOISES This is my team, and we are bad ass. We’ve got Poo Holes and Berkman and Holliday. We hate the Yankees but we’ll take their stats, so we’ve got Matsui. Just so Hideki has someone to talk to, we obtained Matsuzaka (and we did NOT take him too early). Our strengths are awesome power, huge cocks and blazing fastballs resulting in humiliating strikeouts. We don’t give a shit about stolen bases, which are for fags, or relief pitching, which is for guys with much smaller cocks. This is a man’s team.

THREE-TIME DEFENDING CHAMPIONS JaRekPosTonSheffRod This is Asshole Yankee Fan’s team. Yes, he changes it with every successive title. What a douche, right? He also composed a mashed-up acronym composed of parts of Yankee names, half of whom are no longer on the fucking team. He needs a kick in the balls. His squad this season is old and slow, but with pretty good pitching. I’m going to beat his ass repeatedly.

THE ALEX GORDON EXPRESS This team belongs to Bankmeister. Due to our newly-signed truce which prohibits ripping on fellow HoG contributors, I will say only nice things about it. Moving on…

MONKEY SWARM REVISITED This club is owned by a myopic, hopeless Cubs fan, one of many in this league. It’s the only fantasy league he participates in, and occasionally things slip by him. For instance, he selected Francisco Liriano, and fairly early to boot. The good thing about the Monkeys is they make Banky’s team look competent.

FORT LUPTON LABIATORS First of all, let’s welcome Cecil into the mix. One of these days, that kid is going to start reading a different magazine, one that pisses him off a little less. As for his team, it’s got some positive elements. The lineup is very well-rounded if not very deep, and the bullpen is fairly excellent. The starting pitching is meager at best, however.

RED TANK TOP Most fantasy leagues don’t have certified little people as owners, but we do. This owner even had a bit part on that midget reality show. I’m afraid he didn’t bring his booster seat to the draft, unfortunately. After Garrett Atkins went in the first round (?), things went from bad to worse. There are many has-beens and never-weres, and the whole thing is a huge injury waiting to happen. Bad times.

THE CHICAGO POLLUTION The Catfish did not attend the draft, due to some crazy bullshit involving a dinner party and a wife he did not want to piss off. Fuck that. I bailed on a vacation with my in-laws and sat in a hotel lobby for three hours to craft by sweet squad. The Catfish has five catchers. Who wins? Digging deeper, the offense here is not that bad, and has a number of quality youngsters and a lot of steals. But the pitching, man. Ugly. Don’t miss your draft.

BANANA HAMMERS This particular club is owned by a gentleman we’ll call Hamster. Hamster’s got a good job, hot lady, he’s not a bad looking guy, and he’s just a total flaming homo. It’s not even funny how much this kid needs to come out to friends and family. Tom Cruise is like “Dude, seriously, you’re not fooling anyone.” Anyway, what kind of team would you think a closeted gay man would draft? A swishy bunch that strikes out a lot, with a pitching staff that throws lot of backdoor sliders? That would be Hamster. Sadly, he didn’t get his hands on Piazza.

THE CHRISTOPHER MOLTISANTI EXPERIENCE There’s talent here, a definite first-division bunch. But this owner tends to fall for the hot prospect and unrealized potential more than he should, and it will once again be his downfall.

MASONVILLE MACHINES Where could one begin with Stephanie Jane Dobbs? It’s best not to get into the specifics of this owner and stick to her team. She’s old, and she’s crippled, and she’s not good. And she has a shortstop on trial for murder. Other than that, aces.

See, lone reader? Now you feel like a part of something bigger, a community of winning. This is just super. I’ll keep you posted throughout the season on how “we” are doing.

FOR OFFICE USE ONLY: I think we should personally embrace-slash-attack every individual reader we ever acquire. We'll get huge that way.