Quarterfinals Two Weeks Out: Western (Team Stud) Conference Preview

All but one seed is locked up in the Western Conference and this year's selection of post-season contenders has, including the East, the potential to feature -- make sure you're sitting -- five of six Canadian clubs. That's not unusual, you might say. No, I would answer. It's not. It's just that no other conglomeration of canucks has ever spelled early exit more convincingly than this year's combo. Further, there are some strong surprises slated to grapple for professional sports' oldest trophy. Some have come out of nowhere, while others have ridden steam from last year's efforts. Some still might need the luck of ol' J.C. Nope. Not the 14-year-old Denver Bronco quarterback. I mean the son of God. That guy's got a killer wrist shot. Not all of these clubs are stacked enough to go deep, though. Let's have a gander. Shall we?


Central Division
Early November indicated that 'Hawks might have righted their ship and set themselves up for some ass-kicking in the Central. But it was not to be. Denis Savard's club dropped to their knees faster than Britney Spears in a home video shooting. And the Blue Jackets -- well, they were never really in it. But God bless those fans for their continued support of a team with such a masculinely named mascot. The Blues waited about 712 days too long before firing Mike Kitchen; Andy Murray appears to have turned the club's fortune around. And the RedWings. Ah, yes. When I think of the club that calls Joe Louis Arena home, I have the urge to quote Charlton Heston quoting Ice-T's dynamic track "Cop Killer." Dan Quayle's pretty riveting when he does it, too. This division's real story is of course the Nashville Preds. I refuse to type that with a "z" on the end, as it's gayness threatens to seep into my pores via my fingertips.

But take acquistions like former Sabre J.P. Losman, Peter "Where has my game gone?" Forsberg, and add them to a mix consisting of Kimmo Timonen, Darcy Hordicuk, Jason Arnott, Jordin Tootoo, and, of course, Paul Kariya, and you'd best look the fuck out. Throw the combo of Tomas Vokoun and Chris Mason in net (49 combined wins w/ save percentages at .920 or higher) and these guys are pure hope wreckers. Look for the Preds to go much further than their dismal effort a year ago.


Northwest Division
Allow me to be the first to suggest that, after this season, we rename this group Division Disappointment. For real. These guys have sent four, often times five, of five clubs into the playoffs almost every year. Calgary will most likely clinch the eighth and final spot, but sheesh. What the eff happened? The Oilers were on Lord Stanley's doorstep last year. Colorado had won like nine consecutive division titles, and the Flames, are, well, the Flames. They'll likely continue their tradition of crumbling like under-baked graham cracker crust once they face a non-handicapped club. This leaves us with those that have already clinched. The Wild might be this season's biggest surprise. Gaborik, young Koivu, and old man Demitra are in. But not for long. Maybe even a first-round exit. Then there's the Canucks. In first place. I must admit, they play some decent stick. But a bunch of pretty-goods and some ass-lovin' gemelos ain't gonna cut it. Say good bye to Vancouver in the second round.


Pacific Division
This pack swaps more spit than lesbian porn stars. Let's start at the bottom. The Phoenix Coyotes. Ugh. How miserable can you get? And, how can you fire the Great One? Glad I don't have to answer those questions. The Los Angeles Kings. Here's a memo for you: Dear Kings' Front Office -- Remember that one time when you thought firing Andy Murray was a good idea (see above reference to Murray's Blues)? Christ. Those guys take more sac in the face than your average (Herpes-infested or not) wrestler. The San Jose Sharks and the Dallas Stars are both in, tied today at 98 points. They're good enough to knock some opponents off in the regular season, but rarely possess the conviction to get 'er done in the post-season. That leaves us with one of the most fierce competitors in the West: Anaheim. Take heed, all foes that skate onto the pond. Rob Niedermeyer and Teemu Selanne are two tough lil' SOBs. They take more slashes, cross-checks, and boards than most little guys combined. Throw in Todd Marchant and the consistent between-the-irons play of Jean-Sebastien Giguere and count the Ducks in as Western Conference Finalists. Their Achilles' however, comes in the form of a giant vagina. If that "guy" can stay healthy, and play the clamp-down D he's capable of, the Ducks will likely face the Sabres in the Finals.