This Is a Test of the Emergency-Index-Finger System

Two of America's favorite (and by favorite I mean elite, all-time winning homos to coach at redneck, raping universities) were "surprisingly" eliminated in the first round of yesterday's NCAA hoops tourney. Texas Tech head coach Bob Knight and his Red Raiders squad fell victim to the high-scoring, #7 seed Boston College (84-75) in the East Regional, while in the West, Mike Krzyzewski's Duke Blue Devils allowed Virginia Commonwealth's Eric Maynor to nail a 15-foot jumper with less than two ticks on the clock, sealing the Dukies' fate 79-77.

Al Skinner, BC head coach and brother of FBI Assistant Director Joel, said he felt confident about his team's composure from the beginning.

"I told our guys to stay relaxed," Skinner said "and reassured them that, if they didn't, I'd rufie someone random and give them a drugged-up version of a Knight/Michael Hutchence choking they wouldn't soon forget." Skinner said that his pre-game pep talk resulted in some soiled jocks in the locker room, an adverse effect he overcame by telling his squad "he was just bullshittin'."

The VCU Rams club, notching its first tournament victory since a 1985 win over "We Are Marshall", celebrated into the wee hours of the Columbus morning. Anthony Grant, in his debut season as Rams HNIC, took his players to the Gentlemen's Spot where members of the players' entourage mimicked Pacman Jones' weatherman, causing the clouds of dinero to open up like a Seattle afternoon. Rams' senior guard Jesse Pellot-Rossa told teammates in the Spot's V.I.P. Room that he "couldn't wait to get to San Anton', where (he) gon' pound some Texas pussy Duke LaCrosse style."

The Rams' next opponent comes in the form of the not-so-lady Volunteers of Tennessee that delivered a Deebo-esque beatdown of the 12th-seed Long Beach State. Skinner's Eagles will face the 47th consecutive version of John Thompson and his Hoyas.

How far can one man's seed coach a collegiate club? Look out, Sean Sutton. Your kids got lots of bangin' to do.