Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Tradition Tuesday: Chucky On The Mic

This is the House of Georges, and if you're somehow stumbling upon Tradition Tuesday for the first time then welcome. You may click on the "Tradition" tag at the bottom of this post for some background on how we built up the bogus legacy for this project.

If you've been here before, well, you know the drill. Chiefs sucks, Broncos rule, yappity yap yap yap.

This week we focus on a topic that directly relates to neither the Kansas City nor Denver franchises in the National Football League, but rather to all fans. Even Raider fans, and Cowboy fans, and those freaktards that wear styrofoam on their head and deny that Brett Favre would ever even think about suiting up for the Vikings.

We mark the end of an era this week, gentlemen. Tony Kornheiser has hung up the Monday Night Football headset, and Jon Gruden is matriculating into the chair. Whether or not our teams are playing on Monday Night, we all watch this game. It's the only way to make back the rent money before Chico comes knocking. I have a simple request for Mr. Gruden, and since Chucky is a loyal HoG reader I know he's listening.

Please go away.

I know you already took the job, but no one will care if you flake out and quit. You too, Tirico, and Jaws to boot. Go away and leave us our Monday game to enjoy.

There once was a time when I really liked Tony Kornheiser, but his past few seasons on MNF have been painful. I don't even blame Tony, he's a neurotic dweeb who was cast as a neurotic dweeb on a TV show. That's the issue with MNF--it is a TV show first and a game second. ESPN has convinced themselves that they've purchased the premier sports property on TV, and that they have to jazz it up into some spectacle to draw more eyeballs. Why can't they see that if they leave MNF the fuck alone, we'll all still watch. Hell, I'll even watch more often, because I won't have to listen to American Idol updates or three guys who've never played fantasy football tell me that I should go get Peyton Manning for my roto team.

I have an idea: go to a Gambler's Anonymous meeting and grab the guy with the least seniority--he'll have the most up-to-date handicapping information. He's your new play-by-play guy. Then go to ESPN.com and find the guy participating in the highest number of online fantasy leagues. He's your color man.

These guys will understand the significance of that seemingly meaningless fourth-quarter Jason Witten score. Why 612 people in Vegas and another 1237 nationwide just lost their minds after the rest of us went to sleep. ESPN and Tirico spend all this time on the standings, and the latest T.O. controversies, and whose mom just died--look, no one fucking cares. Seriously. No one cares. We just want to watch the game.

So stop with the ten-hour pregame and the showy hires for the three-man booth. For God's sake, GET RID OF THE THREE MAN BOOTH. No one wants to listen to Gruden, or Kornheiser, or Jaws, or Frank Gifford or Dennis Miller or Dan Fouts or Joe Theezman, fight for breathing space with two other dudes. None of these guys ever made my football-watching experience better, they only made it worse.

As much as it pains me to say it, ESPN, just follow the example of Joe Buck. I hate Joe Buck, and if I ran into him at a Holiday Inn I would eat a bunch of jalapenos and shit on his copy of USA Today. But when Joe Buck covers a football game he doesn't try to reinvent the broadcast industry, he just calls the game. Sure, he embellishes with stories about how much of a douchebag Joe Buck is. But for the most part he allows the game to happen and fills us, the viewers, in on what we need to get through to the next play.

You know why Joe Buck does this? Because there's always another game on when he's calling his football. He knows that if he's too annoying I'll just watch the CBS game, or golf or motocross or something.

ESPN is keenly aware that I, as a man, have zero options on Monday night. I can give in to the wife and watch The Bachelor, or I can stick my head in the oven and turn on the gas. I have to watch the game, or I'll lose remote privileges forever.

Alls I'm saying, Jon Gruden, is that you don't have to continue this legacy of ruining all our lives. You can take a stand and tell ESPN to suck a cock. Hell, you did it to Al Davis. Just say something smart once in a while, or better yet, say nothing at all. Remain completely mute throughout the broadcast, even when Tirico directly addresses you. It would be fantastic.

Unless the Chiefs are playing, which might happen sometime in 2017. Then you can talk.


bankmeister said...

That was fantastic. I'll even give you credit on the Chiefs bag to wrap it up. Of course, "credit" means that I kick you in the Jackson-maker in just over two weeks, but hey -- reap what you sow, homeslice.

Dylan said...

Kick twice as hard ..please.
I was starting to like him as something other than the Nugget's F. Lee Bailey...

The Lone Reader said...

Well said.

The three man crew blows, and almost every fan agrees.

It's become a football game lost in the spectacle. I HATE the in game commercials ... please make them stop.

-- TLR

Cecil said...

LR, who you rootin' for this NFL season? I hear the Jets got a shiny new QB. You should check 'em out.