Monday Mayhem: Brain Candy

Quite the week, HoGnation. Quite the week. Hot mitt in hand, I've taken the miniature lid off of my simmering (redacted) and peered into the stewed contents. I can neither sort them in any focus-related way, nor can I list them in any order of importance. I can offer feeble attempts at commentary, however, and I'll do just that after the jump. There won't be any shocking details or hints of genius; those are beyond my capacity. There will, however, be many misused words, typos, and inconsistencies in the form of idiocy and white supremacy. Those, I'm told, are my four tays.

As Cecil reported last night, the Denver Broncos have in fact acquired their man. The more-professional, and also more-dying sports journalists have put together a "story" full of facts and other nonsense, mostly painted with full-of-potential brushstrokes, and that's fine with me. There are, however, speculations that Pat Bowlen doesn't like to make these kinds of big hires, and in all honesty, who wouldn't admit that the selection process, even once it's complete, isn't stressful and nerve wracking. Granted, there's got to be a part of you that's pumped if you feel like you've pulled the trigger at precisely the right time.

And Bowlen may've done just that. He's got a young guy that's been around football his entire life, and, in his half dozen years with Robert Craft's organization, he's witnessed a ton of winning. A ton. There's also the angle that Denver was ahead of the game, or got to the best candidate first. And there's also a fresh blood/not-a-retread slant that will, at very least, instill a healthy sense of optimism throughout the organization. For your best examples of how this could go, one could look, if one was so inclined, to Al Davis' club. Not, of course, as a model of how to do things, but as historical references to signing super-young guys to run the show. Some feel that Jon Gruden is still, championship and all, an overrated coach. I think he's pretty good. The other side of that coin is Lane Kiffin. I'm not sure what folks really think about the kid; I think he got the rug pulled out far too early. Either way, the hire is an exciting one, one that, in my opinion, is better than getting a dude who's had the position elsewhere but been without success.

Championships are, of course, the ultimate Litmus, but I'm eager to see how Mos' Dan fares in this troubled division, and I'm also fascinated to see what kind of time he gets to get his prints on the operation and run with it. That is, I'll certainly be comparing it to the Herm Edwards regime in Kansas City, but only in aspects that are fair. Will he keep a standard mix of veterans on the roster? Gut things and go young? Will he finish 2009 above .500, then drop to four losses, and then to two? Well, I never really thought that was possible. Not in the modern-day NFL. I'm also a guy that's been wrong before. I've also been real damn wrong, and most recently, wronger than rufie-inspired sodomy, like I was with Edwards' '08 "effort." I mean, draw the comparison to your job or mine, and we're canned before Halloween. But you know, another tale, another time.

Seriously though, there are a few things that every new head coach must stomach when he slides into the new pair of snakeskins, and based solely on non-requests, here are the three that Denver Broncos Head Coach Josh McDaniels must suffer through before tabbing his mile-high slate a clean one.

First -- and keep in mind he has no choice in these matters -- he has got to completely destroy his first draft. Oh, no. I don't mean hit the thing out of the park. I mean destroy it. Literally. Like, he should draft all CU Buffaloes, or only Division II guys. He could Shanahananigan up the joint and take a bunch of defensive guys that blow, or have unwieldy egos, or a history of weapons charges, or hell -- all of the above. He should probably squander at least one pick via trading up or down in the process, too. For good measure.

Second, whether it's in the off-season, during camp, in the pre-season, or regular season, he has got to facilitate the consummation of the unsexiest, most fucktastic bromance of all time: the Cutlerfucker-Marmalard bukkake. It shall be the best-of-the-West, wearing-only-a-vest-while-fantasizing-of-Ryan Seacrest mutual masturbation phenomenon. The kicker, of course, is their must be footage. McDaniels can put it on the StubTubes. Cecil and Old No. 7 can watch it, rate it, and then vomit while worrying about the "partial" that it gave them, and then you know what? We can put this vial (Editor's Note: Betta' ax somebody.) of bad blood behind us all.

Finally. The most important thing that Shanny's replacement must accomplish is a Chiefs victory at InVesCo. Not in the last season of his reign. Not after Seven's daughter gets her driver license. Now. As in, 2009. It's gotta be legit, though. No throwing the game. No SpyGate Junior factor. A win. Just one. Why? Because eight years is e-fucking-nough, don't you think? Come on!

And then, once those teensy headaches are done and out of the way, he can get to workin' for the shield and keeping that torch of sustained excellence -- fire bans notwithstanding -- burning bright for the Centennial State.

Now then. There are the matters of a) What the crap is the status with the Chiefs' GM non-hiring, b) Tony Dungy stepping down in Indy, and c) Mike Tomlin tearing down the Great Wall of Bloachery, but frankly, this has exhausted me, and I need a nap. I do, however, have to get dinner ready for the missus, and so for now...