Thursday, December 6, 2007

T-Hen To Goodell: Kiss My Ass

Be honest: how often are you truly shocked anymore? Surprised, yes. But shocked? It takes a lot. When I heard that Travis Henry got off on his pot suspension, I was floored.

For a long time, I thought T-Hen was simply delaying the inevitable with his legal chicanery, and that he would eventually have to take a year off. On several occasions I heard about the possibility of a reduced suspension, similar to when Jared Allen found Jesus and O'Doul's and had his four-game DUI break cut to two.

But it never entered my mind that he'd get off.

What's it mean to the Broncos? I don't know. I suppose this could produce an unexpected victory or two in December, provided Henry can hold on to the fucking football. It damages my fantasy teams, which had been built around a Henryless ground game (as of last week, on one squad, I owned Selvin Young, Andre Hall and Cecil Sapp).

What's really important, though, is that we've revived an entire industry of athlete excuses. As fans we've surely tired of hearing these lame lines every single time a jock gets busted: It was a tainted supplement. That's my cousin's backpack. I never knowingly took it. And until now, we've called bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. But who knew it would ever work?

Travis Henry wants you know that he's totally honest and respectable, and would like to issue the following statements (more after the jump, and feel free to leave your own in the comments)

That’s not my sperm.

She swore she was eighteen.

I told you it was oregano.

I ejaculated in self defense.

It must have been a poppyseed muffin.

Coach told me to hit the hole harder.

Can I buy you a fish sandwich?

My dog ate my playbook.

If I offended anyone I apologize, I’m really high.

I thought it was flaxseed oil.

She told me she was on the pill.

If necessary, my attorneys can provide you with pubic hair samples.

Rectum? Damn near killed ‘em.

If I’m such a deadbeat dad how come I dance so good?

Jay Cutler gave me a Vitamin B-12 shot.

I ingested steroid-fed beef, but I did not inhale.

She was impregnated through second-hand semen.

Liquor? I don’t even know her.


Unknown said...

Gestapo Goodell is a fuckin' joke. He blew his credibility when he was caught lickin' Kraft's balls. His decision with the Patriots was a joke. I knew his reign of terror was all posing and would never last.

Y'all were callin' him a damn god no more than 4 months ago. You should not be at all surprised by any decision he makes from here on out. He knew the day he faced-off with Kraft and the Pats that he was only a shadow of his own glorious self-perception.

Why don't y'all got get your Roger Goodell for President jerseys on, and I'll wear my "I fuckin' told ya so" for president smoking jacket.

Live and learn kidz.



P.S. Fire Mike Solari. Please?
P.P.S. Rebuilding? That's a fuckin' lie. It's time to clean house. Get Carl out of there, take all offensive decisions out of Herm's hands and hire a real GM.

Cecil said...

Dude, it's a good thing these missives are nothing but internettery, because I have a feeling that rant in person would have made your head spin backwards like a Canadian Linda Blair, male version.

And how, I'm curious, do you propose to take "all offensive decisions" out of the Head Coach's hands? Two Head Coaches?

Also: what exactly do you have against Goodell, again? The guy he replaced was twice the corporate robot--did you own a Tags Fathead that you threw pieces of melon at? Glorious self-perception? You're a case, LR...

Chuck Williams said...

Makes me glad that the Bills change RB's more than I change my underpants...