Tradition Tuesday: Travis-ty

The rough focus of this blog is the historic rivalry between two original American Football Conference teams: the Denver Broncos and the Dallas Texans. In the early days, those Broncos weren't much to look at. They wore vertically-striped brown and yellow socks and they lost a lot.

The Texans, however, were a powerhouse. Financed by the secretive millions of known Oswald-Ruby coconspirator Lamar Hunt and his henchmen, they selected a coach named Hank Stram, who played fast and loose with both the rules of the sport and the English language. They matriculated on up the prairie to Kansas City, best known as the hideout of fugitive outlaws Jesse James and Timothy McVeigh, and adopted the nickname of a local political boss, "The Chief." These mighty warriors laid waste to the old AFL and collected many baubles and trinkets associated with glory and victory.

Then three young men were born in the 1970s: myself, Cecil and Banky. We were blank slates, clean and pure, untainted by the awful decisions grown-ups make. Bathed in the sparkling waters of the majestic Rocky Mountains, Cecil and I gravitated toward the Broncos. Our childhood innocence touched the franchise with a golden glow of goodness, which led to many seasons of winning and multiple championship celebrations. If it seems like I just took credit for winning the Super Bowl twice, well, you didn't think I was going to acknowledge Bill Romanowski, did you?

Meanwhile, out in KC, Banky's people turned the young boy over to the powerful forces of Lord Hunt and his minions. Year after year the darkness was burned into him like a brand on his soul. It's hopeless for the Banky generation, but perhaps we at the HoG can reach out to the next wave of youngsters and help them see the light. Onward, boys! To Victory!

I assure you, this Tradition we maintain is rarely as stupid as what I have just described. Usually we just get drunk and yell at the refs. So here's Tradition Tuesday--a weekly state of the rivalry address.

The big news out in Dove Valley, and indeed all across the landscape of smart-ass sports comedy, is the release of Broncos running back Travis Henry. We're all going to miss him around here. No more T-Hen Watch. No more Derrick Thomas jokes, at least about bastard kids. No more bongs. Actually, there will still be bongs. Just not engraved No. 20 Reebok authentic bongs.

What Henry leaves behind in the way of joke inspiration, however, far exceeds his Bronco legacy of actually playing the game of football. After the jump, we'll take a peek around what's left of the Denver backfield, predict who might help your stupid fantasy team next season, and find a way to make fun of another pothead...

I have to say, I was pretty damn shocked that Henry got canned at this juncture. I was actually driving around with my father-in-law on Sunday, a potentially uncomfortable moment that was saved by the fact that he's a Bronco jihadist. In the course of our conversation, he asked me point blank if I thought the team would cut ties with Henry.

"No way," I said. "They gave him a $12 million signing bonus on a 4-year deal, so cutting him now would cost them $9 mil against the cap this season. They'll get one more year out of him and dump him after June 1 in '09."

And then a day later he's gone. Shows you how much I know about the salary cap. I was unaware of several facts: One, it was originally a five-year contract, so the prorated slices are slimmer. Two, Henry restructured after his flop debut, so he won't get another dime out of the team. According to Mike Klis he'll cost the Broncos $1.2 million against the cap this season and $3.6 mil next.

Klis also posts a mailbag today with a bunch of wacky dope in it. He sees the Broncos checking in as one of the top 12 teams in the league and competing for a playoff spot in the final week. I say lay off that crack, pal. Klis also envisions a big role for Michael Pittman--hogwash. Pittman has been a marginal player for the last seven years, both in Arizona and in Tampa. I'll be stunned if he tallies 100 carries this season, and the only way he sees the field very much is in the event of copious injuries.

The ball will go to Selvin Young. He's allegedly beefed up in anticipation of an increased workload. But because Shanahan is a big advocate of platooning his RBs, get ready for Ryan Torain to enter the picture as well. He was a fifth-round pick out of Arizona State whose only downside is a checkered injury history. Keep him out of the trainer's room and you have a ready-made back for the system.

Pittman will log a lot of clipboard time, but perhaps he could fill in a little at fullback as well. After all, he does have some experience plowing into the line and opening holes. You stay classy, Denver. Bill Williamson, one of Cecil's favorite objects of scorn, thinks that wife-and-kid-endangerer Pittman will be a soothing comfort in the locker room as opposed to the disruption of Henry. I know T-hen has a lot of kids, but to my knowledge he never aimed a Hummer at any of them.

Even more incredibly, Pittman's old employer has brought a bigger scumbag in to fill his roster spot. If you ever need to kill an hour, check out the excellent Seattle Times series on Rick Neuheisel's out-of-control Washington team, especially the chapter on Jerramy Stevens. It will shock, amaze and disgust you.

And just to get a little more class and dignity up in this joint, and in the interest of equal time for KC, here's an update on the newest athletic role model for the City of Fountains. Mr. Carter, you'll remember, was booted from the NFL for liking the drugs and possibly being bipolar. But Coach Herman, who once had carter on his Jets roster and I can only assume invited him over for barbecues these days, says he "is of good character." Good enough for me.
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T-Hen To Goodell: Kiss My Ass

Be honest: how often are you truly shocked anymore? Surprised, yes. But shocked? It takes a lot. When I heard that Travis Henry got off on his pot suspension, I was floored.

For a long time, I thought T-Hen was simply delaying the inevitable with his legal chicanery, and that he would eventually have to take a year off. On several occasions I heard about the possibility of a reduced suspension, similar to when Jared Allen found Jesus and O'Doul's and had his four-game DUI break cut to two.

But it never entered my mind that he'd get off.

What's it mean to the Broncos? I don't know. I suppose this could produce an unexpected victory or two in December, provided Henry can hold on to the fucking football. It damages my fantasy teams, which had been built around a Henryless ground game (as of last week, on one squad, I owned Selvin Young, Andre Hall and Cecil Sapp).

What's really important, though, is that we've revived an entire industry of athlete excuses. As fans we've surely tired of hearing these lame lines every single time a jock gets busted: It was a tainted supplement. That's my cousin's backpack. I never knowingly took it. And until now, we've called bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. But who knew it would ever work?

Travis Henry wants you know that he's totally honest and respectable, and would like to issue the following statements (more after the jump, and feel free to leave your own in the comments)

That’s not my sperm.

She swore she was eighteen.

I told you it was oregano.

I ejaculated in self defense.

It must have been a poppyseed muffin.

Coach told me to hit the hole harder.

Can I buy you a fish sandwich?

My dog ate my playbook.

If I offended anyone I apologize, I’m really high.

I thought it was flaxseed oil.

She told me she was on the pill.

If necessary, my attorneys can provide you with pubic hair samples.

Rectum? Damn near killed ‘em.

If I’m such a deadbeat dad how come I dance so good?

Jay Cutler gave me a Vitamin B-12 shot.

I ingested steroid-fed beef, but I did not inhale.

She was impregnated through second-hand semen.

Liquor? I don’t even know her.
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The T-Hen 1500 Watch: Week Four

Welcome to another installment of the T-Hen 1500 Watch, the House feature, where the ChiefsNation third of the HoG will measure the success of Donkey running back Travis Henry. We look back to the illustrious prediction (Editor's Note: This prediction has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with Old No. 7 or anything he has published here on these InterNets) that prognosticated the certainty of Mr. Henry rushing for 1500 yards in this, the 2007 campaign. Take note that Mr. Henry's ability as an athlete hasn't necessarily been questioned in this regard. It was merely suggested as laughable to suspect that he would maintain his ever-questionable health and reach such a feat in this very season behind this very non-cheating Denver Bronco offensive line.

The way this little exercise works is this: We measure the prediction of 1500 yards for the season divided by 16 games. For the less-gifted in the math department (Note: This includes me), that's roughly 93.75 yards per game. Let it be said, therefore, that should the mark be reached, ChiefsNation will then appropriately commend Mr. Henry and the heretofore unnamed beholder of such great faith in the Volunteer alum that once shared the college backfield with Jamal Lewis.

Well. The HoG is certainly glad that Mr. Henry's feeling better this week, not looking so spotty, getting some of his color back, as it were. Those pesky Colts, even though they didn't allow the Broncos to leave Indianapolis with a victory, did allow T-Hen to net 131 yards on the ground, a nice 28% of 1500. This brings his total to 433 yards on the season, and we may very well find ourselves giving him back his entire body before the season's up.

But wait. The season might very well be for Daddy Dearest. (Update: He's not ready to throw in the towel just yet.) It certainly was a busy week for the Denver tailback, though.

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The T-Hen 1500 Watch: Week Three

The T-Hen 1500 Watch is the House of Georges' newest feature, wherein the ChiefsNation third of the HoG will measure the success of Donkey running back Travis Henry. We look back to the illustrious prediction (Editor's Note: This prediction has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with Old No. 7 or anything he has published here on these InterNets) that prognosticated the certainty of Mr. Henry rushing for 1500 yards in this, the 2007 campaign. Take note that Mr. Henry's ability as an athlete hasn't necessarily been questioned in this regard. It was merely suggested as laughable to suspect that he would maintain his ever-questionable health and reach such a feat in this very season behind this very non-cheating Denver Bronco offensive line.

The way this little exercise works is this: We measure the prediction of 1500 yards for the season divided by 16 games. For the less-gifted in the math department (Note: This includes me), that's roughly 93.75 yards per game. Let it be said, therefore, that should the mark be reached, ChiefsNation will then appropriately commend Mr. Henry and the heretofore unnamed beholder of such great faith in the Volunteer alum that once shared the college backfield with Jamal Lewis.


Uh-oh. T-Hen must've come down with a case of the measles this weekend. He's looking spotty and didn't gain much of his body back from last week. How much did he gain? Thirty-five yards to be exact. Was it an illness?

The HoG thinks not. His drop in production came in the form of a run defense. A real one. Yes, it was time to put away the trophies earned against those stellar Buffalo and Oakland run Ds and strap on the cleets for something meatier. Through three games, Mr. H has netted 302 yards, a still-solid 20% of 1500. Let's hope he can get back on track against that piss-poor Indy run D this weekend. What's that? Indy falls just above the Jaguars and not near the drain in the deep end like Buff' an' Oak'? Oh, well. Cut that child support! Read more

The T-Hen 1500 Watch: Week Two

The T-Hen 1500 Watch is the House of Georges' newest feature, wherein the ChiefsNation third of the HoG will measure the success of Donkey running back Travis Henry. We look back to the illustrious prediction (Editor's Note: This prediction has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with Old No. 7 or anything he has published here on these InterNets) that prognosticated the certainty of Mr. Henry rushing for 1500 yards in this, the 2007 campaign. Take note that Mr. Henry's ability as an athlete hasn't necessarily been questioned in this regard. It was merely suggested as laughable to suspect that he would maintain his ever-questionable health and reach such a feat in this very season behind this very non-cheating Denver Bronco offensive line.

The way this little exercise works is this: We measure the prediction of 1500 yards for the season divided by 16 games. For the less-gifted in the math department (Note: This includes me), that's roughly 93.75 yards per game. Let it be said, therefore, that should the mark be reached, ChiefsNation will then appropriately commend Mr. Henry and the heretofore unnamed beholder of such great faith in the Volunteer alum that once shared the college backfield with Jamal Lewis.
Suffice it to say that, along with all of the other NFL athletes that frequent the pages of the HoGizzle, Mr. Henry has kept tabs on The T-Hen 1500 Watch, and he's pissed.

That's right. T-Huxtable came tearin' out of the gates in week one and notched a buck thirty-nine, dropping what he needed to net (Note: Thanks, DfromKC) through the final 15 games to 90.73 yards per contest. Apparently that wasn't good enough. Gashing the allegedly stellar run defense of the Oakland Raiders in week two, Mr. H GH put another 128 yards on the board and dropped his NPG (need per game) to 88.1. Ouch, say we the doubters. Thus by my calculations -- rest assured, they are the epitome of accuracy -- Daddy Dearest has earned himself some ankles and some shins.

Up next for number 20 and his predominantly orange team are the Jacksonville Jaguars. If Jack del Rio's club can't contain Mr. Henry any better than the Bills and the Raiders, we could be givin' a brother some shorts real soon. At least week three's opponent for Henry and company qualifies as a top 15 defensive unit. Run, Travis! Run, Travis, run!
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The T-Hen 1500 Watch: Week One

The T-Hen 1500 Watch is the House of Georges' newest feature, wherein the ChiefsNation third of the HoG will measure the success of Donkey running back Travis Henry. We look back to the illustrious prediction that prognosticated Mr. Henry's certainty of fathering more illegitimate children than Derrick Thomas or anyone else for that matter accumulating 1500 rushing yards in this, the 2007 campaign. Take note that Mr. Henry's ability as an athlete wasn't necessarily questioned in this regard. It was merely suggested as laughable to suspect that he would maintain his ever-questionable health and reach such a feat in this very season behind this very non-cheating Denver Bronco offensive line.

The way this little exercise works is this: We measure the prediction of 1500 yards for the season divided by 16 games. For the less-gifted in the math department (Editor's Note: This includes me), that's roughly 93.75 yards per game. Let it be said, therefore, that should the mark be reached, ChiefsNation will then appropriately commend Mr. Henry and the heretofore unnamed beholder of such great faith in the Volunteer alum that once shared the college backfield with Jamal Lewis.

Week One proved to be a doozy for number 20 as he visited his old dregs and faced the franchise that drafted him. Nary a worry for Daddy-O, though. On 23 carries, T-Hen netted 139 yards, which, in true Marty McFly fashion, gives the 230-pound runner his feet back. For number-crunching purposes of the Watch, T-Hizzy hammered out 10.79% of his likeness. We should not forget either, his three catches for 44 yards, giving him a total of 183 on the day. Drop by next week to see how Daddy Dearest fares in his home-opener against a run defense better than the Buffalo Bills. Oh, wait. That's everyone in the league except the Giants. Read more