Friday, December 7, 2007

Countin' Down

We're now 48 hours from kickoff, and the news from Dove Valley, league headquarters in New York and whatever the Chiefs call their practice shack is pouring in at a furious pace. Banky is in the air as we speak, matriculating his way toward DIA at several hundred miles per hour. I hope he lands safely, but all the other Chiefs fans on that plane can slide off an icy runway for all I...

Whoa, whoa. My inner monologue sort of spilled over there. I don't hate Chiefs fans, not in the slightest. They amaze amuse me with their subtly brilliant football observations drunken parking-lot Zubazzery. Let's get to the latest, shall we?

Brodie Bangs is back, baby! The slack-jawed husband of lovely Kelli will start at Invesco on Sunday, just like he did at Arrowhead a few games back. Let's hope Denver has the good-hands team employed in the secondary, because Bama likes to put 'em up for grabs. KC, worried about their severely boo-booed quarterbacking club, is trolling for backups at various homeless shelters and soup kitchens. Worry not, mighty braves of the Missouri River valley, Dick Curl can whip anyone into an NFL QB with a weekend's worth of pep talks.

Protecting young Mr. Croyle is another question mark, as Coach Herman currently has tackling dummies filling his depth chart at LT and RT. Kyle Turley's mom, who is a hulking, handsome woman, has volunteered to man one of the spots, and Herman just may take the old broad up on it. Other options include Tony Mandarich, The Rock, retired Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Colin Powell and some dude named Will Svitek. I don't know if he can pass-block, but he does craft a seriously tough envelope.

On the Broncos' side of the football, Coach Shanahan has once again dipped himself in some hot water with the National Football League. Details after the jump...

In its infinite wisdom, the office of the Commissioner slapped a $25,000 fine on Shanny for his comments on the bizarre Travis Henry piss-test case. T-Hen famously submitted to both hair samples and a polygraph in an effort to clear his name. These tactics worked on his coach, who publicly stated that he believed the RB afterward. Problem was, these methods of testing are not endorsed by the league, and Shanny was reprimanded for (I guess) validating procedures that are outside the scope of the collectively bargained substance policy.

Pardon me while I rinse the lawyer-speak from my mouth and genitals. This decision smacks of nothing more than retribution for the league getting their asses handed to them by Henry's attorneys. What, exactly, did Shanny do wrong here? His star back was accused of a serious offense that would have knocked him out for a year. Henry claimed he was clean, and used modern technology to back it up. Shanny looked at these results and stood behind his guy--what's the crime, Goodell? Maybe the Lone Reader is correct in his assessment of your heavy-handed and goofily inconsistent discipline. That, dear friends, was my feeble attempt at a joke. The Lone Reader is never correct.

Now if Shanny lies on his injury report, that's a different story. That affects fantasy football and casual gambling, and those are unforgivable sins. You wanna fine him, fine his ass--you knew who he was, why let him off the hook? Same with the salary-cap malfeasance (if you want a link ask Banky, he has that documentation tattooed to his wrist). Or crimes against tanning humanity. But this charge is bunk, blue.

One more thing: next week's Chiefs home game against the Titans may be blacked out locally. That's right, kids, the game is not sold out. I just went on Ticketmaster and was able to purchase two seats. So the next time any fat dude in overalls tries to tell you that the best fans in America reside in Kansas, City Of Losers, you just ask them where they watched the Tennessee game. And if they say on television, they're lying. And fat.