T-Hen To Goodell: Kiss My Ass

Be honest: how often are you truly shocked anymore? Surprised, yes. But shocked? It takes a lot. When I heard that Travis Henry got off on his pot suspension, I was floored.

For a long time, I thought T-Hen was simply delaying the inevitable with his legal chicanery, and that he would eventually have to take a year off. On several occasions I heard about the possibility of a reduced suspension, similar to when Jared Allen found Jesus and O'Doul's and had his four-game DUI break cut to two.

But it never entered my mind that he'd get off.

What's it mean to the Broncos? I don't know. I suppose this could produce an unexpected victory or two in December, provided Henry can hold on to the fucking football. It damages my fantasy teams, which had been built around a Henryless ground game (as of last week, on one squad, I owned Selvin Young, Andre Hall and Cecil Sapp).

What's really important, though, is that we've revived an entire industry of athlete excuses. As fans we've surely tired of hearing these lame lines every single time a jock gets busted: It was a tainted supplement. That's my cousin's backpack. I never knowingly took it. And until now, we've called bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. But who knew it would ever work?

Travis Henry wants you know that he's totally honest and respectable, and would like to issue the following statements (more after the jump, and feel free to leave your own in the comments)

That’s not my sperm.

She swore she was eighteen.

I told you it was oregano.

I ejaculated in self defense.

It must have been a poppyseed muffin.

Coach told me to hit the hole harder.

Can I buy you a fish sandwich?

My dog ate my playbook.

If I offended anyone I apologize, I’m really high.

I thought it was flaxseed oil.

She told me she was on the pill.

If necessary, my attorneys can provide you with pubic hair samples.

Rectum? Damn near killed ‘em.

If I’m such a deadbeat dad how come I dance so good?

Jay Cutler gave me a Vitamin B-12 shot.

I ingested steroid-fed beef, but I did not inhale.

She was impregnated through second-hand semen.

Liquor? I don’t even know her.
Read more