Thursday, December 13, 2007

The Chiefs Prefer Playing From Behind

Back in November, the Broncos traveled to Arrowhead and smoothly took care of the Chiefs. Later that week Mike Vick reported to prison. I imagine that shortly before he showed up he had himself a nice conjugal visit with a sweet young lady, whom he smoothly took care of as well.

This week the Broncos faced Kansas City again, this time in the Colorado chill, and Vick learned that he'll be a guest of the government for quite some time. If November Chief- and prison-sex was sweet and tender, the December variety is decidedly forced and painful. Both Mike Vick and Herman Edwards were repeatedly bent over and violated by a man named Elvis. Good times, if you're into that sort of gross shit.

We could talk about the long-term ramifications of this sodomy, but I just heard that the Broncos play a game tonight. And it's on NFL Network, which pisses me off to no end. Because I have the NFL Network, and I'll be forced to watch this team play yet another game. At least Bryant Gumbel is on the injured list, and slightly less annoying play-by-play man Tom Hammond is on the mic. Tommy just informed us that "Serge" Rosenfels will start at QB for Houston tonight, which is great. Because "Serge" is even shittier than his brother Sage. Or, if you prefer, Dr. Rosenpenis.

First, a pick. The Broncos are favored by three, which is probably bullshit. Even with Serge dangling his digits under center, the Texans just might be a better team. So take the home club and the points. The Pick: Texans +3

Looking around the AFC West, the two clubs in the cellar may have to deal with some coaching shenanigans. Adam Schefter just reported that UCLA is looking at Coach Herman and Lane Kiffin to possibly replace the fired Karl Dorrell. That sound you just heard is Bankmeister screaming with semen-soaked joy. In all fairness, Herman might be a great college coach. They don't let you challenge calls there, the clock stops after first downs, and you can flake on your job any time the going gets rough.

Denver sits two games back of the Chargers, so if they win out and San Diego loses this week against...fuck, who are we kidding? I did get a little wood this week in hearing about the latest Shawne Merriman controversy.

Seems Lights Out gave Vince Young a bit of a shot, and several Titans took exception and spent the rest of the game trying to blow out his steroid-weakened knees instead of holding on to a 14-point fourth-quarter lead. I for one support any and all efforts to injure, maim and shut the vagina-shaped mouth of Merriman. Dear Shawne/Shawn/Shane/Sean/Douche: until you've actually won something, why don't you stick a fucking sock in it. You and your whiny QB, your zit-riddled coach, your petulant, asshole, refuses-to-ever-be-injured RB, your bumbling GM, your buttwipe owner and your casually ball-licking fans, feel free to casually lick my balls.


Unknown said...

Sometimes posts or replies just write themselves.
This could be one of those times.
As I have arrived home to check the internets at the early hour of 1 A.M., I carouse by cbssportsline to check things out. I usually have some sort of fantasy type excercise in futility occurring. Since my typical playoff prizeless defeat has occurred, I'm stuck checkin' out which stoned douche gets my buck-thirty.

Tonite was a little special, though.

Two Headers:
1) Mitch slapped
2) Houston 31, Denver 13

The first one, which is one the all time best headlines in print..ever... needs a to be a bit explained. (I don't know how to link on comments..sorry.)
"Mitch Slapped" beautifully tells the story of two of the biggest douchebags in pro sports getting ripped by a bored old Senator. One, a proffesionally marketed "toughguy" and "ironman" and another "spiritual" and "talented" one, turn out to be just a couple schlubs; trying too eek out a few more bucks.
Maybe Rocketman's new Verizon ad will feature a fully functional cell phone that says this: "Your Fired!"
Don't get me started on "Jesus guides my curveball", either.

The second headline, which is so loosely related to Chiefs football, ON7's antique sado-porn collection, sodomy or other non-sequetirs, must be reprinted in its own glory.
Houston 31, Denver 13
PS The score has some symetry though..imagine if the scorekeeper was dyslexic..those 31 pts could be yours.