Tradition T-Thursday: Calling Out Pro Bloggers

The mighty forces of the Deadspins posted this Kansas City Chiefs "preview" yesterday. While funny, packed with detail and tremendously long, it previewed zero in regards to the upcoming 2007 Chiefs campaign. It did, however, offer a funny snippet that, for those of you that don't feel like reading Dostoyevskyesque shpeels in the morning (or ever), I'll share with you in a moment. Suffice it to say that the gist of the thing was to re-cap the awesomeness of Kansas City miraculously reaching the post-season last year, a feat that Chiefs fans "deserved," says the preview's author.



Yeah. Deserved. Albeit, he meticulously threw in all of the Chiefs' token moments of misery dating back to those last, now-archaic 1993-94 playoff victories, he failed to analyze this season and instead re-capped one bizarre 2006 day of the professional football. The day (New Year's Eve) required: a Chiefs victory over Jacksonville; a Titans loss to New England; a Cincinnati defeat at the hands of Pittsburgh; and an evening demise of the Denver Broncos via the San Francisco 49ers. Tall order to say the least. When three of four had happened, the token, and arguably most far-fetched, match was viewed by anxious Kansas City fans and likely confident fans of Bronco Nation. Thus, the peak of said preview:

"Two giants felled, one to go. The biggest, nastiest, smelliest giant of them all - the hated Broncos, led by the Ferret himself, Mike Shanahan. The most heinous bunch of illegal-cut-blocking, salary-cap-skirting, John-Elway-worshiping dirtbags ever assembled. We hate these guys even more than we envy their two Super Bowl wins. And now all they had to do was beat a second-division team from the NFC at Mile High (did I mention their unfair home-field advantage?) and they'd once again walk off with their arms around our dream.

"Yeah, we don't like those guys."

Good times. Only it wasn't over there. Said previewer rambled on and wrapped up without the most miniscule of mention of either of the following: Croyle/Huard; the return of the Priest; Larry Johnson's holdout; Jared Allen's (redacted) suspension; the sleeper defense of the conference; a virtually impossible to decipher offensive line; a first-round-draft-pick, badly needed wide receiver without a contract; and a bloach loaded with good intentions but suspect in actions and words.

This is a team that's tough to preview. It's easy for Cecil to drop his token annual, now decade-old jokes about whoever our quarterback (especially since he must daily engage in fisticuffs with Old No. 7 over who'll slob the booze-soaked knob of this guy) is. It's typical for TLR to get his pessimistic, armchair-head-coach panties in a bunch over why we should trade LJ, why we should fire Mike Solari. And it's expected of all the four-lettered networks to pick the Chiefs to finish behind the Denver Broncos and San Diego Chargers. It is not, however, professional to not preview a team in a preview.

Allow me to show you a decent preview. Yeah. It's mine, and it's nearly four months old now, but I ain't changin' a thing. The quarterback issue will only be an issue for three more weeks; Herm will know by the end of the second pre-season game that, hey, fuck all this playforthefuture shit, Damon's our guy this year who his gunslinger will be. Peterson will cough up Hunt dollars for LJ; Priest makes the team and contributes; the D is stellar; Bowe will be late and his early-season games will be affected, but he'll come on strong mid-season; the line will be consistent enough to keep Huard healthy; thus an 11-5 record and consequential playoff (playoff?) berth. That's a preview. Put it in your pipe and smoke it, Cheech.
Read more

Baseball In The Daytime: 8-2-07

It's a nutty one, as we have more games scheduled for this afternoon than this evening. And even though the slate is light on elite starting pitchers, most of the games involve playoff contenders and/or division leaders.

Your leadoff contest comes to you from The Jake in Cleveland, on XM 182 and DTV 734. The revamped Rangers take on the tanking Indians at 10:05 Mountain. Kason Gabbard, fresh off the trade that sent him from Boston to Texas in exchange for Eric Gagne, locks horns with Jake Westbrook. The Indians are still only a game out in the Central even though they're playing their worst possible baseball--this is thanks to the Tigers playing just as bad. Hell, the Twins are playing like shit too but are making up ground in spite of themselves.

I did love the contribution of one Roy F. Almania, calling out his cousin's repeated choice of the Twins as AL Central champs. Delicious.

At 10:35, the Cardinals alight on the shores of the Monongahela to face the Pirates. A couple of youngsters start, Anthony Reyes for the Cards and Shane Youman for the Bucs, on XM 187 and DTV 735. St. Louise is inexplicably back in the National League playoff picture, having taken three straight against the Brewers over the weekend to pull within six in the NL Central.

For some reason, the Red Sox don't play many weekday games at all, at least during the dog days of summer. One of the reasons that the HoG will never be better than the 312th best Red Sox blog in the world is that, by virtue of the fact that I'm several thousand miles away from Boston, I don't have any idea as to why it's nearly all under the lights at Fenway. I mean, they sell out every damned game, what's wrong with a matinee once in a while?

Well, we get one today, that's the good news. The bad news is that depressing Tim Wakefield gets the call, although since I'm at work I won't have to watch him. Rookie of the Year candidate Jeremy Guthrie is your Oriole starter, on XM 177 and DTV 736 at 11:05.

At the same time the White Sox battle the Yankees, with the requisite multimedia full-court press: 176 on the XM, standard-definition 737 and hi-def 731 on the DirecTV. Jon Garland, who was dangled at the deadline, starts against Roger Clemens, who's really old. The Yanks are lingering at seven back of Boston in the East, and they've closed to a scant two games out in the AL wild card race. They get Phil Hughes back Saturday, Jason Giambi next week, and the kid fireballer Joba Chamberlain will probably be called up somewhere in between to bolster the 'pen.

The other New York club visits Miller Park at noon, on XM 188 and DTV 738. Fort Collins native Brian Lawrence is your Met SP, while the Brewers give the ball to Chris Capuano. Milwaukee was finally caught by the Cubs yesterday, as they lost to New York and Chicago won a wild walf-off at Wrigley. Current winning percentages: Cubs .538, Brewers .537.

Those Cubs play their own game in Chicago at 12:20 against the Phillies. Kyle Lohse, just picked up from the Reds, brings his vast repertoire of bad pitches to the hill reflecting Sean Marshall, on XM 183 and DTV 744. Kerry Wood probably won't be activated until the weekend, so the fans on the North Side should be safe from flying elbow shrapnel this afternoon.

Finally, from Petco Park in San Diego, we get the D'Backs and the Padres in a tussle over NL West supremacy. The corporate wags insist on calling it PETCO, and I'll probably get a letter because I refuse to do so. It's kind of like Yahoo demanding that you put that God damned exclamation point in their name. You know what's fucked about that? Yahoo is a web site, so what matters for them is their URL. And URLs can't have exclamation points. So stick that shit up your gold-plated ass, Jerry Wang Yang. Yusmeiro Petit and Jake Peavy get the nods in this one, at 1:35 on XM 189 (no TV). Cheers! Read more

Doubts, Mysteries and...ah, fuck it

Bob "The Suck" Kravitz used to write a column for the Rocky. He started every Sunday's edition--back when the Rocky printed on Sunday--with "Thoughts, myths and half-truths for a..." whatever kind of morning his jowly self thought it to be. A scoop of pure lard with syrup morning, maybe.

Sports columnists with literary pretensions generally make my skin hurt. It's one thing if they're just such good writers that it doesn't matter. But if they're such good writers they don't need pretense.

Kravitz--and Bayless, and Kiszla, and too many others to name--just ain't. Any talent they might possess is simply negated by their constant manichean (or not, maybe someone's been using the word incorrectly. Pompous asshole.--Ed.) stances on virtually everything, like when Kiszla declared the draft that brought us Clinton Portis a complete failure because we didn't trade the whole team for Oklahoma safety and coverage liability Roy Williams. Art knows life ain't either/or.

Anyway. Enough time wasted on those fools. I have, I'm afraid, serious doubts about some things.


Like Brandon Marshall. After reading all the day's camp reports and doing intake on the double-barrelled thrill machine known as 950 The Fan, I'm all juicy with worry. So allow me to, in finest lazy drunken writerly tradition, address Mr. Marshall himself.

(Marshall, as you most likely don't know--and on a related note, sorry about that thing with the thing with those, um, guys--is a loyal reader and sincerely cares about my opinion.)

Brandon. Rod Smith played on one hip last year. Domenik Hixon separated his shoulder yesterday and practiced today. Tony Scheffler is about over his broken foot. Even ran some the other day. But you're nursing a quad injury.

Get. On. The. Motherfucking field, son. We need you. Stokley can't--just can't, now, seriously--be our second wideout. Pretend your girl is leaving with your cell phone and just get fucking angry with it. Whatever you need. But start building that rapport with Cutler now. The stormclouds are rising.

Shanahan was quoted as saying they can't waste time on the injury-prone. Read behind the print, kid: what he means is that we can't waste time on whiny-ass prima donnas that can't play with pain. Are you Anthony Miller? We don't need Anthony Miller.

All will be forgiven the moment you allow us to raise our false hopes with a fine showing in the exhibition season.

Sincerely,

The House, Broncos Division



Read more

Musings from Roy F. Almania: Bye-Bye Buddy Bell; Brian Bannister Battles Boof Bonser

Editor's Note: This post was put together by the cousin of yours truly. I can't vouch for him; he lives in Joplin, Missouri, was home-schooled (still lives with my aunt and uncle who, by the way, vacation in Arkansas every year), has never been west of Kansas City or north of Omaha or east of Jefferson City, and I'd imagine the only form, if any, of sex he's ever had probably shares some strains of DNA with the both of us. Nevertheless, we've given him the keys to the House before, and he's only managed to offend a small section of the world's population with his crass hillbillyisms. Until he offends say, a segment of the human race the size of China's population, we'll probably let the boy keep at it.

The Kansas City Royals utilized the popular professional baseball trend of making major announcements on the road today when Buddy Bell delivered his resignation-at-season's-end press conference at the Metrodome in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Citing personal/family reasons for his decistion to step down at the end of the campaign, Bell made it clear that he was not burned out, nor was he being forced out. His reasons for announcing this today center on the fact that the "next year" talks have already started and Bell didn't feel right leading anyone on knowing that his desire to spend time with his family outweighs his desire to be an everyday skipper. Cousin Roy weighs in on this and the Royals' perpetual struggles versus the Twinkies.



I'm pissed as a bee swatted outta air. When that whacky Dominicanian Tony Pena banged his neighbor's wife, I thought for sure we was gonna hire another bumpkin like Tony Muser. As you can imagine, I's mighty pleased to see the Glasses bring in a baseball guy like Buddy Bell. And things didn't look much different at first; they just kept on losin'. Then Allard Baird got canned and Dayton Moore replaced him, and things turned around. Seemed like the combo of Moore and Bell started workin' right off the bat. Heh heh. Moore pulled some strings on a number of acquisitions and Bell kept running good games. Like Moore said, it all starts with pitchin'. And that's what he done so far: get good pitchin'.

The story though, fresh off the heels of two consecutive winning months for the first time in ages, Bell's gonna move back to the home of WKRP. And I ain't mad at him for that. Man's gotta do blah, blah, blah. I am pissed at all of the folks that, from this day forth, will look at Bell's record with the Royals and call him a bad manager.

Just ain't right. Bell's done good with the team, no question. I wish him the best in keeping the boys on track for winning games. Speaking of games, the Royals take the field tonight for game three of four versus them goddamn Twins. Man, I hate them. Far's I'm concerned, Ron Gardenhire can be a puppy in a stocking on Mike Vick's Christmas-morning mantle. All them faggot Twins fans was so pissed he lost out to Tony Pena four years ago. Shit. Dude's a creep. Probably makes suits outta people skin like that queer from "Silence of the Lambs."

Anyway, I ain' quite as dumb as my cousin, Banky. That dumbass has twice said he thought the Twins'd take the Central this year. Everybody but him knows that ain't happenin'. He is right about them boys always beatin' up ours, though. I'd bet you'd be hard pressed to find any stat over the last seven years that shows a Royal-over-Twin advantage. Especially up there in their house. Stupid dome.

Nevertheless, that ass clown Boof Bonser takes the mound tonight against my boy Brian Bannister. It's time we put our hardships with the Twins behind us for good. Startin' tonight too. We let Scott "Could I have a more generic name?" Baker get the best of our golden boy on Monday, and Carlos "Hi-Ho" Silva notched a W last night. If Bannister can win the battle of the Bs tonight, that might be our only hope for this series, what with Odalis Perez facing Johan "Sebastian Bach Carlos" Santana tomorrow evenin'.


(Update: That game has been cancelled due to the sudden bizzare collapse of a bridge outside of the Metrodome.)

Nonetheless, I wish Buddy Bell the best, and Boof Bonser death by stereo. One thing I never could stand about playin' in a division with teams like Minnesota: All the damn homos. And when I say homos, I mean you, Lew Ford. And you, Joe Mauer. Whyn't you make like Macho Man Savage and snap into a Slim Jim. Or a boatin' accident. Whichever.

Read more

We Are Hot Chicks Wednesday: Home Improvement

Like Old No. 7 mentioned earlier today, we are in fact shifting gears, re-vamping if you will, at the House of Georges. As our beloved Denver Broncos and Kansas City Chiefs plow through their respective first weeks of training camp, we'll be shifting our focus toward football, primarily the best Choncos in my Briefs coverage these here CyberNets have to offer. That said, we certainly shan't shy away from covering all of the other sports in the world. And clearly, by "all of the other sports in the world," I mean baseball and woman-ogling contests. Thus, since the HoG's remodeling its home, so to speak, we offer you today, the finests and brightest tips with which you might refurbish yours. Let's have at it.




Sheena Lee





Often times, folks of the married variety like to spruce up the old bedroom. It is, after all, the nook of the homestead in which husbands and wives spend the most time together, and, on occasion, procreate. This special section of the home should therefore, be sleek and desirable. In addition to being the seductive mistress mentioned in Aerosmith's classic track "Walk This Way," (Editor's Note: Add that to the list of made-up things on the HoG.) Sheena Lee is the comforter expert. Whether it's down or fur, she's the gal you ought to call.


Vanessa Raia



Miss Raia is the sitting room expert. Need a divan? A love seat? She'll hook you up. Swear.


Megan Hauserman



The lovely Miss Hauserman holds PhDs in tilework and formica. If you've a hankering to put her on top of your shiny flat surfaces in your bathroom, she's the lady to call. Honest.


Misha Elmer



Believe you me when I tell you that Misha Elmer is a foyer fanatic. If your home's entryway just doesn't have the right welcome rug, Miss Elmer's got the perfect one, and she won't be shy about showing it to you.


Nicole Davis



It's important to remember that the interior musn't be your only area of focus when you're looking to spruce up the cabin. The great outdoors need your attention as well. That's where Miss Davis comes in. She's an expert in the art of landscape, and will gladly show you how to smooth out the hills and trim the hedge.


Carlotta Champagne



Funny man Chris Rock has told us all about the rules of the Champagne Room, but Miss Champagne wrote the rule book on office renovation. True story.


Danielle Carr



Every cozy home needs a nice study/sitting room. Where else can you pore over your reading material in private with some coffee and a pair of hot cross buns?


Danielle Gamba



Some tackle the guest room first, so's to make sure the quarters for overnight visitors are ready and waiting. Miss Gamba specializes in extra-room modification, and she suggests going with white; the purity suggests inviting and friendly.


Divini Rae



The more active homeowner takes guest accomodations to another level. While relaxing quarters for friends and family are important, Miss Rae emphasizes that the importance of exercise is equally crucial. Her hobby? Tennis. Have her over to oversee the installation of your own home court. Advantage: you.


Giuliana Marino



She's no relation to the third-best quarterback to ever play the game (Note: For those of you that aren't aware, the former Miami Dolphins slinger is a close third to Joe Montana and Johnny Unitas.), Miss Marino knows garages like Bo knew football. If you can't quite handle your tools, or your Shop Vac's lacking suction, she's the gal to phone.


Regina Deutinger





Once the house is all finished and restored, you'll probably be sick of it. The best way to enjoy something is to get away from it. I suggest a family trip to the fair where Miss Deutinger can escort you and your loved ones. Everyone knows that German blondes know their carnival cotton candy, and this lovely lady is the farthest thing from unhirable a letdown.
Read more

Baseball In The Daytime: 8-1-07

As we come back down from the excitement of yesterday's trading deadline and look forward to the madness of September and October, we're left with August. And the first games of August take place this afternoon.

One will happen under a roof while the sticky Gulf Coast summer lingers outside. The Toronto Blue Jays and Tampa Bay Devil Rays take the field at 1:10 Mountain time, with starting assignments going to Josh Towers and Jason Hammel. Guh. The Jays have actually been playing some ball of late, taking eight of their last 12. That converts to 9 of 15 when you use the metric system. Find this bad boy on XM 181 and DTV 734.

The other is in the sunshine and on the grass, just like me in college. The Tigers visit the Mausoleum and the A's for a scheduled 1:35 game on XM 179 and DTV 735. For some reason Detroit is still a game up in their division, and by "some reason" I mean "Cleveland stinks right now." Nate Robertson tries to right the Good Ship Leyland opposite Dallas Braden.

And yes, if you're asking, I think the Red Sox getting Eric Gagne is good news. It's much more of a security-blanket thing than a true impact addition, as the Boston bullpen has been a strength this season. But now the workload on Hideki Okajima can be lessened, and an injury to Jon Papelbon would not put Sox fans on suicide watch. And all they gave up was Kason Gabbard, a middling minor league outfielder and a teenage Dominican project. And the Yankees didn't get shit. All in all, a damn fine day for Theo. Read more

Tradition Twednesday: Gettin' The Band Back Together

I'd be remiss if I didn't take a little time for some updates. First of all, the House of Georges has experienced a bit of a remodel, as Cecil now has his fingers all over a shiny new computer. The third leg of the Iron Triangle is now complete. Expect furious dispatches from Bronco Country, a bevy of antique hobo photographs, and a man-sized portion of Fuck You for dessert.

In more self-fellating HoG news, we've established a preliminary schedule for the first annual House of Georges Tradition Tailgate Tour (still looking for a title sponsor, call us!). Banky apparently scored us some sweet seats at Arrowhead for the 11/11 game, and I returned the favor on Saturday by securing a few awful nosebleed standing-room-only tickets for the 12/9 Invesco date. Good times.

In the coming months, we'll assemble a full-blown itinerary for each game, including fancy tailgating menus, live music, strippers, and streaming video on the InterBays. Who am I kidding? It'll be three dorks standing next to a Kia with a box of Ritz crackers. But feel free to come join in the fun anyway!

Furthermore, the onset of the NFL season is going to bring about some changes here. We're going to revamp our schedule and daily/weekly features to focus much more on the game of football. Because football is awesome. Should you disagree, I'd suggest you scoot on out of here before Cecil fires up that laptop and dispenses a digital steel-toed boot to your virtual face.

That is all.
Read more