Doubts, Mysteries and...ah, fuck it

Bob "The Suck" Kravitz used to write a column for the Rocky. He started every Sunday's edition--back when the Rocky printed on Sunday--with "Thoughts, myths and half-truths for a..." whatever kind of morning his jowly self thought it to be. A scoop of pure lard with syrup morning, maybe.

Sports columnists with literary pretensions generally make my skin hurt. It's one thing if they're just such good writers that it doesn't matter. But if they're such good writers they don't need pretense.

Kravitz--and Bayless, and Kiszla, and too many others to name--just ain't. Any talent they might possess is simply negated by their constant manichean (or not, maybe someone's been using the word incorrectly. Pompous asshole.--Ed.) stances on virtually everything, like when Kiszla declared the draft that brought us Clinton Portis a complete failure because we didn't trade the whole team for Oklahoma safety and coverage liability Roy Williams. Art knows life ain't either/or.

Anyway. Enough time wasted on those fools. I have, I'm afraid, serious doubts about some things.


Like Brandon Marshall. After reading all the day's camp reports and doing intake on the double-barrelled thrill machine known as 950 The Fan, I'm all juicy with worry. So allow me to, in finest lazy drunken writerly tradition, address Mr. Marshall himself.

(Marshall, as you most likely don't know--and on a related note, sorry about that thing with the thing with those, um, guys--is a loyal reader and sincerely cares about my opinion.)

Brandon. Rod Smith played on one hip last year. Domenik Hixon separated his shoulder yesterday and practiced today. Tony Scheffler is about over his broken foot. Even ran some the other day. But you're nursing a quad injury.

Get. On. The. Motherfucking field, son. We need you. Stokley can't--just can't, now, seriously--be our second wideout. Pretend your girl is leaving with your cell phone and just get fucking angry with it. Whatever you need. But start building that rapport with Cutler now. The stormclouds are rising.

Shanahan was quoted as saying they can't waste time on the injury-prone. Read behind the print, kid: what he means is that we can't waste time on whiny-ass prima donnas that can't play with pain. Are you Anthony Miller? We don't need Anthony Miller.

All will be forgiven the moment you allow us to raise our false hopes with a fine showing in the exhibition season.

Sincerely,

The House, Broncos Division