Pickin' & Grinnin': Week Eight, I Think

This'll be a short dispatch from the road, as I'm getting ready to hop in a car and spend an NFL Sunday driving across Colorado. It's the price you have to pay to witness history, I guess. I just hope a game is on the radio.

This week there are quite a few lines I like, as opposed to the colossal piles of shit we've been subjected to over the past month. But just because I like a spread doesn't mean I'm exposing it to the hard-earned Benjamin Cheese. For that, my friend, I have to fall in love.

By the way, the move to the Cheese was a roaring success last week. We went 4-1, with the only blemish the Steelers loss that saved the Broncos' season. Feel free to check the archives to compile a season aggregate, because I'm not going to. There's continental breakfast to be had, jackass. The picks...

No team is harder to figure out on a week-to-week basis than the Panthers. But this week they host the Colts, who are easy to comprehend. They'll win, and they'll cover the seven and a half. The Pick: Colts -7 1/2

Pittsburgh played slightly beneath their capabilities at Invesco last week and they'll bounce back against the awful Bengals. This line makes me think I've missed some big news, like Big Ben and Coach Epps got arrested in an undercover child sodomy sting. One can only dream. The Pick: Steelers -4 1/2

Dog time: I don't care if Jay Alves is playing quarterback for the Jags (obscure Rockies ticket fiasco reference), they're not losing to Tampa today. Take the points, take the money line (+170), take the rent money and take that shit to the bank. The Pick: Jaguars +4

I'm sure everyone has heard this amazing, amazing bit o' trivia. Tom Brady and Peyton Manning, on a collision course for an epic war of undefeated football morality next Sunday, have both defeated 30 NFL teams. They both face off today against the one franchise other than their own that they've never bested: Peyton gets the Panthers while Brady gets the Skins. Anyway, enough with the Chris Berman jabber-jabber. I know that the Patriots have covered even the most ludicrous spreads this season. And I know they're the most focused team in the history of this game we call football. But I've got a feeling, a feeling originating deep within my scrotum, that Washington will give them a game today. Not win, but scare these Masshole death merchants. The Pick: Redskins +16 1/2

And finally we have the Monday Nighter from Denver. It's looking more and more like this game will run minus crosstown baseball competition, but nonetheless it's still battle of two overrated teams with big issues. I will halfheartedly endorse the visitors from Green Bay, on the premise that...who am I kidding I just love betting against this particular Shanahan team. And if they should once again defy my expectations and win this game, I will once again weep with the emotion of a first time father, unless I'm watching the World Series instead. The Pick: Packers +3
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Hide The Weenie

There's really no dancing around it. When something like this happens you can't hide, you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. Two of America's most accomplished sportsman have sunk into a hideously bitchy catfight, and from the slapping and crying emerged a new bullet in the arsenal of comedy:

Hide The Weenie.

You can read about it here. On ESPN's website, the phrase is removed, called a "graphic sexual description." Actually, it's a harmless euphemism, which is why it will live forever. There is an SNL sketch being written right now that uses the phrase.

Speaking of endless sources of humor, Howard Dean totally saw this coming.

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Bits of Baseball

Sorry about the lack of a post yesterday, the post-wedding jet-lag hangover was acute. I've got just a couple hardball items to hit on.

WORLD SERIES SCHEDULE MLB and Fox announced that they're starting the World Series on a Wednesday this year, October 24 I believe. This is, of course, designed to revive the anemic ratings of the last few seasons.

What I like about the move: I'm going to watch the Series regardless, unless it conflicts with games played by the Denver Broncos (and then I'll TiVo/surf). But setting the WS up to avoid conflicts with college and football has its advantages. There's nothing on sportswise on Wednesdays and Thursdays other than a crappy NCAA game, so baseball can get more eyeballs for Games 1 and 2 (and possibly 6 and 7). And the possibility exists (although Fox hasn't committed to it) to play a World Series game on a Saturday afternoon, which hasn't happened since Lincoln was president.

What I don't like about the move: Baseball already manipulates the postseason far too much in the name of TV. The ratings suck now for several reasons (lame/short recent Series, no Yankees, steroid backlash, and the fact that you've completely blown off a generation of fans) that this decision doesn't address. Some may say that pushing the WS into November--which is now possible with a seven-gamer--invites cold weather disaster, but a couple more days aren't going to matter.

What really bugs me is No. 1, the idea that you have to get out of the NFL and college football's way, and No. 2, that manipulating the schedule is going to bring back the "casual fan." I hate the casual fan. He can eat a backpack full of dicks. Other than the NFL fan, every single sport is a niche. Hockey fans watch hockey, UFC fans watch UFC, and what few remaining baseball fans are left watch our pathetic, boring sport.

I no longer really care about the NBA. I pay attention, but I don't make it a point to watch games, even ones I really should. But I've noticed that the NBA is making a concerted effort to gerrymander the postseason schedule to maximize ratings. The Suns and Spurs had four days of between Games 2 and 3 of their series, which is complete horseshit. I am a "casual" NBA fan, and I wouldn't watch one minute of the Jersey/Cleveland series with a gun to my head. Give the hardcore fans that are left what they want, and don't worry about the half ass dudes.

DICE Daisuke Matsuzaka pitched a gem last night, going the distance and beating the Tigers 7-1. The Red Sox have the best record in baseball and blah, blah, blah.

I'm not going to break down the Sox, at least not yet, the way I did with the Brewers a couple weeks back. Nobody except me wants to hear it, and besides, this is what they're supposed to do--their payroll and expectations are both massive.

What I will say is that last night is probably as close to what I expected out of Matsuzaka as he's going to get. He didn't blow anybody away (he only struck out five). But he was balanced and confident and nasty all night. Unlike his last half-dozen outings, he didn't walk anybody. He induced a ton of groundouts (16, to six flyouts) and was throwing this ridiculous splitter with sideways rotation that had Jerry Remy in seizures (or, as Jerry might say, seege-ahs). After a few mediocre outings, any Dice start is back up there as must-watch TV.

DAY BASEBALL I am very, very committed to wasting time at my job, and my favorite way to do so from April to September is by listening to/watching baseball played in broad daylight. I've got the XM radio, the Extra Innings package, a subscription to MLB.TV and even a Slingbox I've yet to unpack. Every day I have to scramble and find out if there are any day games to witness (and set my fantasy lineups for). I've always wanted a consistent Interwebs heads-up on this, and since I haven't found one I'm going to try and just do it myself.

So, of course, the day I start this there are no day games, nor are there tomorrow. Thursday has the requisite slate of getaway games, and the Cubs are home this weekend, which means a Friday nooner (in the Mountain time zone) from the Friendly Confines.

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Let Mel Kiper's Hair, a.k.a. the Vomiting, Begin; or How Draft Coverage Will Take Over Your Life Whether You Want it to Or Not

You know. Just as sure as you're sitting there, the four-letter network (and perhaps the HoG) will continue to soon bombard you with more draft coverage than you could possibly ever desire in one lifetime, let alone a week. No one can really put a finger on when it started, how it developed, or why it really matters that much. I ask you, dear readers, to ask yourselves, "Would life as a huge/borderline-overdevoted NFL fan really be that different if you just plain watched the draft?

Notice I said readers, Cecil. I know you've been rubbin' 'em out left and right with each new draft website and/or magazine you discover. Honestly though. When draft day weekend comes, teams do what teams do, and that's all part of the excitement. When clubs swap spots, finnagle for picks, barter for trades, that's exciting. It's our tiny little window to look into the still-behind-the-scenes behind-the-scenes action that is the National Football League.

Every year, I ask myself the same question. How was't that thou were't blessed with such large membrage Why does it really matter what 147 different "experts" from around the nation think might happen? I guess, to a degree, I understand lining up some of the first rounders. Some. But, for Pete's (do we know who this Pete guy really was? The Disciple? The former Royals infielder LaCock -- great name --? Charlie Hustle himself?) sake, lay off the draft prediction sauce. I'm begging you. E-motha'fuckin'-nough, already. Let us watch some good April baseball, some playoff hockey (okay, sometimes "us" means everyone, sometimes it means a dozen or more, or fewer), some first round NBA playoffs even.

Maybe I'm the only one that feels that way. Don't get me wrong. I'm stoked for draft day weekend. I love knowing who my team's new players are. I adore developing my own opinion on whether or not they addressed the roster areas that needed attention. I just don't need to think about it six weeks in advance. We don't devote this much energy to who will be the five-man rotation for each club come opening day. We don't pay even a shrivel of this much attention to any other sport's drafts. Hell, you read about those events in the paper the next day. The NFL draft is a complete crapshoot, too if you look at all involved. What's the percentage of drafted guys that make it through camp, are on the squad come opening day, and have a significant career with that team? Or some other team, if they're traded. So let's say significant career period.

Sure. Significant is subjective. Either way, I'm sure someone has crunched these numbers. So, raise your hand, point me in the direction of said research, and let's discuss. 'Cause I ain't researchin'. I will, however, continue -- quite arrogantly, I might add -- to pound home my point, and whole-heartedly disagree with yours. Bring it. Or consider it brought. Or just wait for more pictures of scarcely clad females on We Are Hot Chicks Wednesday. Whatevah. All's fair in sports and breasteses.

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