Tuesday, October 20, 2009

A Real Quick Note For San Diego

We'll resume our regularly scheduled programming (Kyle Orton, An Historical Comparative: Unitas Or Bradshaw?) shortly. I just wanted to jump in and send a little love letter to our divisional brethren in San Diego.

Normally, I observe a Two Day Rule when it comes to piling on a vanquished foe. I understand the point of being a sports fan is to ridicule the fans of teams that your team beats. I get this. It's one of the main reasons this blog exists, and why Banky is perpetually cranky. But I do feel that there's a certain etiquette to letting your rival have it. Losing is hard. Losing as a favorite, within a division you've recently dominated, to an alcoholic QB and a prepubescent coach, on national television is humiliating. The Two Day Rule allows raw feelings to heal just a bit before you unload the really choice ammunition about choking and softness and Norv Turner.

I'm breaking the Two Day Rule, because this is a particularly special occasion. San Diego, please go away. Go away and die. Your run as an "elite" team is over, your act is old, your window is slamming shut. No one likes you, so please revert back to the days when you drafted first overall every five years (you may have to fight Kansas City for this) and no one noticed you.

I sincerely hope that what the nation saw last night will end the perception that the Chargers can hang with the Colts and the Patriots and the Steelers based on "talent." We've been hearing that San Diego and Dallas have the most loaded rosters in the NFL, but they're held back by lack of discipline or lousy coaching or what not. There's no doubt that Norv Turner has killed any chance this team had at success. But where, exactly, is all that "talent" hiding?

I witnessed a once-dominant San Diego O-line get shredded by a bunch of dudes Denver signed off the street. Sure, starting center Nick Hardwick was hurt, but shouldn't the most "talented" team in the division have some depth? Marcus McNeill and Kris Dielman, both of whom regularly go to Pro Bowls on reputation alone, are slipping. Right tackle Jeromey Clary is an embarrassment, but was very helpful in repeatedly escorting Elvis Dumervil straight to the quarterback.

Another alleged strength for the Bolts is their defensive front seven, particularly Shawne "Lights Out" Merriman. Merriman was a holy terror to start his career, albeit a holy terror pumped full of anabolic steroids. In his first 24 NFL games, Merriman recorded at least a half-sack in 23--in the history of the league this is unprecedented. His 25th game was a playoff win over the Colts following the 2007 season, when Merriman had zero sacks. He had no sacks the following week in New England, and no sacks during the entirety of the 2008 season, and no sacks in his four games leading up to last night, and no sacks last night either. At the age of 25, Shawne Merriman appears finished as an impact player in the NFL, his body having been stripped of its power by injuries and no longer fueled by performance enhancing drugs.

The other superstar on the Chargers' roster, Ladanian Tomlinson, is also in denial about the looming end of his career. The once-explosive tailback who has scored 142 NFL TDs (fourth all-time) is a bit player in this offense, less important than Vincent Jackson or Antonio Gates.

The worst thing about these Chargers is not that they're incredibly average, it's the fact that they still carry themselves as though they're Super Bowl champs. Merriman has as many sacks this year as my mom, yet he runs his yap like he's Lawrence Taylor in his prime. Phil Rivers (who's excellent) is still a petulant, cocky frat fuck. Tomlinson's lasting image is either standing on the sideline of a playoff game wearing a cape, sitting on the sideline of a playoff game with his helmet on, or riding an exercise bike on the sideline of a playoff game. Any way you slice it, no all-time NFL great has done less in big games, playoff games or Super Bowls than LT. These guys are really good at coming up with dance routines, beating up reality skanks and starting pregame shoving matches, not so much at winning when it counts.

You had your must-win game last night, Bolts, and you choked as per usual. Please do us the favor of--as Mike Tyson would say--fading into Bolivian. Go away.

Image courtesy of Something Awful via KSK.


Dylan said...

Good job 7!
Please leave your impressive analytic skills @ home on 12/7 and 1/04.
Clearly, way to peg the Bolts of recent years. Somebody in their PR department gets the world all ginned up every off-season, and every year they preform the same.
Speaking of gin, is neckbeard a hootcher too?
If so, we need to rid the world of the negative myth that moonshine=bad. I propose a scientific hypothesis(I will test it in my backyard w/ Bank).. Whiskey=NFL excellence.
Or it could be a Bronco thing...BroncoQB=Drunk.
I dunno.

Cecil said...

Rocketing to the Super Bowl on a rainbow and a bottle of Jack? Yes please.

old no. 7 said...

If whiskey=NFL excellence, then Kyle Orton isthe greatest player to ever wear shoulder pads.