Sleeping with the Enemy: Week 11, Chiefs @ Chargers

Welcome in boys and girls, to another episode of "Sleeping with the Enemy." I've mentioned before that I've had some occasional difficulty getting Chargers fans to commit to participating in this feature, but on this go-around, we're thankful to have Loren S Casuto from Bolt Talk join us.

Looking forward to installment two of Chiefs/Chargers this Sunday at Qualcomm Stadium, we stoked the fire and and stirred the gravy regarding the current state of affairs in the AFC West, and we'd love it if you too, would join us, just after the jump.

Bankmeister: For starters, tell us a bit about your affiliation with the Chargers. Lifelong fan? Transplant? Bandwagon? What are your top three Bolt memories?

Loren S Casuto: I was born and raised in San Diego, so rooting for the Chargers was natural. I've been a fan since I was about 6 (1990), so I am one of the younger fans on Bolttalk and amongst the Charger population. That means my memories are more recent and I can't claim to have seen the great Air Coryell teams. With that said:

1. Dennis Gibson knocking down the pass to take us to the Super Bowl (standard for any Charger fan).

2. The 2007 Titans playoff game (first playoff game we'd won since 1995 -- basically I went from 13 to 24 in age without seeing a playoff win. Irritating isn't it?

3. The Draft trade that brought Philip Rivers to San Diego for Eli Manning (a bit more unique because I'm a draft nut and was there for the entire drama).



B: Those're pretty good ones. For what it's worth, I've gone from age 20-35 without one.

I’ve said for several years now that the AFC West has evolved into something of a shell of its former self. That is, none of the four clubs were ever a sure win against one another. For the longest time, Kansas City and Denver were big rivals, Oakland and Kansas City were big rivals, and Oakland and Denver were big rivals while San Diego seemed to sort of be the odd man out. Have you noticed any particular changes in the division? Which two teams would you say are the biggest rivals today?

LSC: Primarily I've noted over the last few years that there really hasn't been a division race; it's just been San Diego. I say that not to sound like a homer but since about 2006 we really haven't had much competition in the AFC West for division leadership. I'm sure someone is thinking 2008 but most Charger fans and media believe that the Chargers almost lost it more than Denver came to winning it. If we didn't take most of that year off and had a few things go our way, we would've won that division easily. But for the latter half of the decade we've been the class of the division, and while I think KC is at least making progress in the right direction, you guys are a few years away from competing. Denver, I don't know what they're doing and Oakland is chasing its tail (to be polite). So for the last few years and a few more years to come, I think the Chargers will remain the class of the division.

B: I suppose they don't say "Stay Classy, San Diego" for nothing.



LSC: I think of the three AFC West teams, Denver and Oakland are our biggest rivals. Oakland and us, it's been that way since the AFL and that won't change. Not to mention since we're in the same state with a big population of Raider fans two hours north of us, we come into contact regularly (whether we want it or not). Denver it's been because they've been the closest rival for the last part of the decade and because we keep getting into conflict with each other. In 2007 it was Jay Cutler's and Brandon Marshall's mouthing off on Monday night. In 2008 it was Ed Hochuli and the last game of the year. And now it's Josh McDaniels and his fifth-grade mentality. The Broncos and we keep getting into fights. I think most Charger fans prefer facing the Chiefs because 1) You're not insane like the last two fan bases, if anything you guys are by and large a good group and 2) We usually have good games without controversy or other idiocy.

B: Wow. That was a mouthful I couldn't have said better myself.

There are a number of rumors and speculations regarding the Chargers that I’d like to address. Let’s start at the top and work our way down. Comment as you see fit, and keep in mind that these are not necessarily my opinions, but rather fodder for the masses.

A.J. Smith is an asshole, and firing Marty Schottenheimer was a mistake and done in an unprofessional fashion.

LSC: With Marty and, especially in 2006, superior teams we couldn't win in the playoffs. He did it in 2004 and 2006 and couldn't get us over the hump in 2002 and 2005. AJ might have an ego and be a controlling guy, but he's been the reason we went from being a laughing stock to a Super Bowl contender every year. Marty had an equally as big ego and was equally as controlling (why am I reminding Chiefs fans of this?) and tried to force the owner to bring in his brother Kurt to be our new defensive coordinator. That's unacceptable. And furthermore AJ Smith can at least point to having built this team into the dominant one it has been since 2004. Marty hasn't been given a head coaching job since, any idea why?

B: No. None, really. I'm curious if he's been contacted, though.

Next question: Norv Turner is an incompetent NFL coach. He’s constantly on the brink of getting canned, and is responsible for the quote/unquote descent of this team.

LSC: Scoreboard. Since Turner has taken over he's not only gotten us into the playoffs every year he's been in charge but we've won a playoff game each time. Something Schottenheimer couldn't do. His early starts are infuriating and yeah the last three years he has come close to being fired by the midpoint. However if we continue the way we've been playing, we will win the AFC West for the third time (something that hasn't been done since Air Coryell) and ideally win another playoff game. So he's done what he was brought in to do. We can't argue with the results.

B: Well played. The defense, be it via injuries or not, is not nearly as feared as it was in earlier parts of the decade, and the decline of the play of Shawne Merriman is somewhat related to his cessation of PED consumption.

LSC: It depends on the area. Compared to earlier in the decade we are definitely not as good in run stopping (which was our bread and butter going back to the mid 90s). I'd say we are a little worse as well in pass rush from 2006 when Merriman and Philips had career years, though we blitz more effectively from different spots then just outside linebacker and are far better then we were early in the decade. Pass coverage I'd say we are alot better then in years past, ditto with ability to cause turn overs. So it's touch and go depending on the area. And regarding Merriman, I'd remind you that he had to have two knee ligaments repaired and reattached to his leg, an injury that takes a year to recover from and a year to get back to 100 percent. Find me someone who came back fully and quickly from that injury and I'll show you someone who is taking PEDs. Merriman is making good progress at a good rate. Not to mention he does have some sacks against the Chiefs.

B: Ouch. Okay...Philip Rivers is a punk and a boast. He, with the assistance of his teammates, claims that he never instigates smack talk, and absolutely never uses profanity.

LSC: He doesn't use profanity for one. It is astonishing for such a competitor but for the life of me, I can't find one instance (and neither can other Bolttalk members) of him actually cursing people out. Sure he talks but you can smack talk without using profanity. As far as being a "punk" I believe the person your looking for is one Jay Cutler. Rivers' reputation as a talker started when ESPN showed a few seconds of video of him, Shaun Philips and Matt Wilhelm talking back to Jay Cutler. What no one bothers or cares to report is that Cutler (by all accounts) was talking smack to the Chargers all game long. In fact in every game he's been in Cutler has constantly talked crap (including cursing) to the Chargers but he gets off looking like an angel while Rivers gets criticized. The other case is during a playoff game where he's talking back to fans. While I won't defend Rivers' action, which he later apologized for, let's not pretend that fans are completely blameless in mouthing off to players. They all do it, fans and players. It's not absolving Rivers of blame but it is at least noting that neither side was blameless. Nevertheless Rivers gets fired up and talks during games, something every quarterback does (including Matt Cassel). So let's not pretend that Rivers is that horrible for flapping his gums.

B: Okay. Sensitive subject perhaps. Moving on: The notion that an NFL running back’s career is proving true again with LaDainian Tomlinson, and Darren Sproles, due to his stature, can never be an every-down back.

LSC: I think LT has definitely lost a step. He's not as good as he was in the prime of his career, as is the case with all athletes. I still think he's one of (if not the) best running backs of the decade and that he can still run the ball very effectively. And I think he's still better then alot of teams' running backs (e.g. New England, Indy, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Cincinnati, Green Bay, Tampa Bay, and possibly San Francisco). Who'd you rather have running the ball? Jamaal Charles or LT? Or Larry Johnson vs LT? Nuff said. He's definitely approaching the end of his illustrative career but he's not ready for retirement just yet. Regarding Sproles I happen to agree. I think he's a wildly talented scatback, returner and third-down running back, but yeah because of his size he isn't capable of carrying the rock 25 times a game regularly. Though some Charger fans would disagree I think its a consensus view on Sproles.

B: In your view, how does the Chargers fan base compare to those of other teams around the league? They’ve been accused of being less intense and passionate about their teams, but then of course there are YouTube clips of fans brawling with other fans in the cheap seats. Would you say a team’s identity or a team’s geography dictates more of the crowd’s personality on game day.

LSC: I think Charger fans can match up for passion, knowledge and intensity with any team's fans anywhere. Most people think Southern Californians are laid back and therefore Charger fans lack passion. While I think we are a pretty relaxed fan base, there are fans who have been with this team since its founding, who saw the old AFL Chargers, and people from all ages all who love their team. We can be fired up as a base but also still be mellow and friendly to opposing teams fans and to each other -- it isn't a requirement to be obscene or insane to be die hard. I don't know what videos you saw



and I won't defend Charger fans who fight with other fans. My only statement is that every team has fans that take it too far or are just punks, the only question is what percentage of those fans are said punks. So I don't see it as a Charger problem as much as its every team's problem.

B: Fair enough. If there’s one thing I can say about this team, it’s simply that the notion of the slow start, then pick up steam and win the division, is an odd one. Why do you suppose this pattern has emerged of late?

LSC: Maybe it's Norv Turner or maybe the team gets its act together later then most teams or maybe it's something in the gatorade. If I knew the answer to this I'd be a rich man. No one has any idea why this is happening but the prevailing opinion is that its Norv Turner's coaching and until I see proof otherwise, that's what I'm going with.

B: I heard a Chargers beat writer say on the radio earlier in the week that he thinks that Philip Rivers will go into the history books with the same level of integrity, numbers, and sheer legend, as Brett Favre. He also predicted that Rivers will win at least one Super Bowl. Are these assumptions on target?

LSC: For now, yeah I'd say so. There's alot of time to go for sure but Rivers is a winner and a leader for a team that hasn't had one of those in a long time. He plays well, he's selfless in how the team decides to win (e.g. he can throw for 400+ yards and carry the team or, like over the last two weeks, he can throw 20 times and let LT run the show), he doesn't have an ego, he's spotless character wise and he's gutsy. He made an instant fan out of everyone when he went out in the 2007 AFC Championship game on one leg and almost led the team to victory. And his record as a Charger starter is ridiculous (33-15, '06-'08). He's basically what every team wants in a QB and has become the leader and the face of the franchise as LT winds down his marvelous career. While it remains to be seen if he can match Favre's iron man streak or his winning in the Super Bowl or his career, Philip Rivers is definitely on the right track.

B: Here’s an exercise I did earlier in the season with a Dallas fan regarding his take on NFC East teams: Give us a summary – be it a phrase or an entire paragraph – of your feelings during the week, and leading up to games against

the Denver Broncos:

LSC: Self-absorbed Punks. They haven't won jack in years, yet they strut around like they own the division. Doesn't matter if it's Jay Cutler or Josh McDaniels. If anything, Charger fans get more irritated by the Broncos than almost any team in the league.

B: the Kansas City Chiefs:

LSC: Good Rivalry and opponent. I don't have too many bad things to say about the Chiefs because by and large we don't have bad experiences with your fans or team. We do need to do some sort of cultural exchange at tailgates though, by which I mean a trade of carne asada tacos for bbq ribs.

B: the Oakland Raiders:

LSC: Pathetic Clowns. I don't like the Raiders. It's personal for me and most Charger fans, but after winning as many in a row as we have (15) and with the Raiders continuing to get worse, I think most Charger fans don't care about the Raiders.

B: Interesting. Have you paid much attention to the Chiefs in recent weeks, months, or years? Things have been pretty bleak for the franchise for some time, but the win against Pittsburgh was pretty big. Can this club return to contention in the immediate future, or are they going about it all wrong?

LSC: I've heard a few things about them here and there, primarily they are rebuilding. I think you guys need to decide exactly what kind of team you want to be and build to that. Are you going to be a 4-3 (Glenn Dorsey) or a 3-4 (Tyson Jackson)? Are you going to be a young team (Jamaal Charles, Matt Cassel, Tamba Hali) or a veteran-built team (Mike Vrabel, Mike Brown, Jon McGraw)? And ironically enough I think by beating the Steelers you sealed your fate against us. I think it was a hell of a win against a team that pounded us, but I think your only real chance was if we took you all lightly.

B: Finally, let’s have a score prediction for Sunday’s game.

LSC: By beating the Steelers, we will be focused on you guys and I don't think you can beat us. I think we will win 31-7

B: Hmmm. I'm gonna disagree with that pick, in that the score is too similar to our previous meeting (37-7). At the same time, I'm not going to make a prediction on the outcome because I really felt that we could hang with you all last time, and obviously we just got smoked. More importantly, though: Many thanks to you and your time. Let's do this again next year.
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Notes on the Enemy: Week Six, Chargers @ Chiefs

Back in the good ol' days, when the AFC West was about Chiefs, Broncos, and little more, I kind of felt sorry for the San Diego Chargers. They managed to put together a couple of good teams and make a couple of runs at a title, but they never really seemed to have an intense fan base. Now, in these dark ages where scrupulous Denver clubs are undefeated and Chiefs teams try to set records for consecutive losses, and everyone wants to uncork the Super-Charger champagne before the season even starts, I cannot, for the life of me, get a Chargers fan to commit to a Sleeping with the Enemy interview. In three years, I've had one person agree and actually show up for the gig. It makes no sense to suppose anything other than the fact that their fan base still is, in fact, pretty darn lame. But that's okay. Instead, I was able to talk -- as Joe Posnanski might say -- brilliant reader DKC into coughing up a few moments of his day.

Bankmeister: For starters, allow me to take a moment and say congratulations on the newest addition (Editor's Note: baby Kelly arrived 12 days ago.) to your family. Moving onto football: Give me the first three things that pop into your head when you hear the words "San Diego Chargers."

DKC: Actually, the things that pop in my head are images associated with the team. The first image is one from the good old days. It is the image of a bow-legged, hobbily(from what I remember) Dan Fouts. Ugly yellow pants wearing guy chucking the ball all over the place. Imagine him as a fantasy QB. Another is the late-nineties nightmare draft of Ryan Leaf. Am I right, could they have picked Peyton? I remember locker-room footage of silly-little men with microphones chasing him around in his underwear trying to ask him why he sucks so bad. My last image is one a little paranormal in nature, in this halloween season. It is an apparition of a man roaming the sidelines, microphone on head, clipboard in hand and stupified look on his face. Yes, it is the Schottenarition. Arms crossed and big-ole-glasses wearing Marty S. His creepy sweater-wearin' spirit still flows through the league. More on MS in a moment.

B: Interesting. Not at all what I'd imagined you'd say. My colleague Old No. 7 has said that, without a doubt, " Norv Turner has killed any chance this team had at success." Is this a fair assessment? Explain.

DKC: I agree with 7 about Norv and must add that I've found myself agreeing with your colleague a lot lately. I must be turning into a crazy old man....Oh well.
Norval's hire didn't really "kill" this team's chance of winning, but it does put it in a bit of a vegetative state. If you look at Norv and Marty's Wikis (Yes, I Wiki), you can certainly notice that although he doesn't have the time spent and attempts of Marty, he does posess the young Marty-like resume. Never the bride and always the bridesmaid....you know...that kind of stuff. You also can't help but notice that the same 15 guys, taught by the same three guys, have coached the league since I have been able to turn on the TV.

B: Okay. Well, we know what many bloggers think, but what, do you imagine, is the general-football-viewing opinion of Philip Rivers?

DKC: Well, I'll put it like this... from my seat he appears to be a graceless winner and loser. He became grossly overpaid with his last contract. I also have friends who spent some time chatting with him within the last year (alcohol was involved). His sideline charm runs sidecar with his barside demeanor. I'm sure his momma may like him, though.

B: Talk about the oft-assumed decline of a late 20s-something running back. Is this the case for LaDainian Tomlinson? Is he, as they say, done? Will Darren Sproles ever be considered an elite back in this league?

DKC: Since LT is approaching NFL running back social security age (30) during the era of the internet-fantasy, where production is center-stage, he is, in fact done. He is done as the LT of the early and mid 'oughts. That doesn't mean he can't be a serviceable player in the league though. The emphasis of the owners/coaches, you can't help but notice, in the last couple of years is to shy away from sending your top dollar RB into the belly of the beast 30 times a game. They have created kind of hybrid positions, I guess they called them slots before. Reggie Bush is one. Sproles is sort of another. I say sort of because Sproles appears that he can/could do both. He is fast, agile and he also looks like a mini-hulk running between tackles when asked. So to answer, he may be an elite back someday.

B: What about tight ends? Who would you say are the best active three? Two-three years ago, many voices in football were certain that Antonio Gates was bar none the best. Will he ever statistically pass Shannon Sharpe? Tony Gonzalez?

DKC: It's hard to measure a TE's worth cause they do things away from the TV's eye(read: blocking). I'll throw these three TE's, in no order, assuming that they are all capable part-time offensive linemen. Jason Witten, Tony Gonzalez and Dallas Clark. Witten is a bit off this year offensively, TG is having a quiet, good year and Dallas is reaping the benefits of "showtime" in Indy. Gates is next. He is great now. He is no less great than he was three years ago, when they made him his own video game. People on the TV are in such a hurry to lionize someone. They love to do it and have everyone pat them on the back and whisper in their ear: "Way to Go. Smart Guy." These are the same people who said that Drew Brees couldn't play in the NFL. Oh Yeah, If old Marmalard can't get the rock to Gates a little better, he will not break TG and Sharpe's records.

B: How does the AFC West shape up this year? What, do you imagine is the immediate (next two-three seasons) for Denver, Kansas City, Oakland, and San Diego?

DKC: 2009 AFC West:

Kansas City 9-7
Denver 9-7
San Diego 7-9
Oakland 5-11

Yes, you read that right. KC: 9-7. It starts today with San Diego. Kansas City playoff bound due to their season sweep of Denver.

The future, you ask? For Denver I see losses, many losses. I see plagues and pestillence on the front range. Liver disease, that's what I see at Invesco Field.
For the rest, I see puppy dogs, lilly fields and free candy.

B: Give us a score prediction for this contest.

DKC: Today's game: KC 28, SD 21. All TDs today, with KC on top, at home. Why all TDs you ask? DKC picked up Succop for FF. DKC need FGs. DKC = bad FF player. I must share this final experience on the ways of Martyball. Back in early '96 when I was living, and was new to, Chicago, I met a nice young lady in an establishment. This was post-Lin Elliot loss, pre-Broncos/Elway loss. Things were proceeding nicely and plans were being made for her to accompany me somewhere in the future, unbeknownst to her. She was from Clevleand and football was the discussion. Somewhere the mini-courtship went awry. I swear to this day, it was when I told her I was from KC and Marty was my coach. She said things like, "he'll never get it done" and "he'll screw your team in the post-season". What little did she know...

B: Interesting tale. Thanks so much, DKC. Looking forward to getting on the 9-7 train. I like lilly fields and candy, too, it turns out.
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A Real Quick Note For San Diego

We'll resume our regularly scheduled programming (Kyle Orton, An Historical Comparative: Unitas Or Bradshaw?) shortly. I just wanted to jump in and send a little love letter to our divisional brethren in San Diego.

Normally, I observe a Two Day Rule when it comes to piling on a vanquished foe. I understand the point of being a sports fan is to ridicule the fans of teams that your team beats. I get this. It's one of the main reasons this blog exists, and why Banky is perpetually cranky. But I do feel that there's a certain etiquette to letting your rival have it. Losing is hard. Losing as a favorite, within a division you've recently dominated, to an alcoholic QB and a prepubescent coach, on national television is humiliating. The Two Day Rule allows raw feelings to heal just a bit before you unload the really choice ammunition about choking and softness and Norv Turner.

I'm breaking the Two Day Rule, because this is a particularly special occasion. San Diego, please go away. Go away and die. Your run as an "elite" team is over, your act is old, your window is slamming shut. No one likes you, so please revert back to the days when you drafted first overall every five years (you may have to fight Kansas City for this) and no one noticed you.

I sincerely hope that what the nation saw last night will end the perception that the Chargers can hang with the Colts and the Patriots and the Steelers based on "talent." We've been hearing that San Diego and Dallas have the most loaded rosters in the NFL, but they're held back by lack of discipline or lousy coaching or what not. There's no doubt that Norv Turner has killed any chance this team had at success. But where, exactly, is all that "talent" hiding?

I witnessed a once-dominant San Diego O-line get shredded by a bunch of dudes Denver signed off the street. Sure, starting center Nick Hardwick was hurt, but shouldn't the most "talented" team in the division have some depth? Marcus McNeill and Kris Dielman, both of whom regularly go to Pro Bowls on reputation alone, are slipping. Right tackle Jeromey Clary is an embarrassment, but was very helpful in repeatedly escorting Elvis Dumervil straight to the quarterback.

Another alleged strength for the Bolts is their defensive front seven, particularly Shawne "Lights Out" Merriman. Merriman was a holy terror to start his career, albeit a holy terror pumped full of anabolic steroids. In his first 24 NFL games, Merriman recorded at least a half-sack in 23--in the history of the league this is unprecedented. His 25th game was a playoff win over the Colts following the 2007 season, when Merriman had zero sacks. He had no sacks the following week in New England, and no sacks during the entirety of the 2008 season, and no sacks in his four games leading up to last night, and no sacks last night either. At the age of 25, Shawne Merriman appears finished as an impact player in the NFL, his body having been stripped of its power by injuries and no longer fueled by performance enhancing drugs.

The other superstar on the Chargers' roster, Ladanian Tomlinson, is also in denial about the looming end of his career. The once-explosive tailback who has scored 142 NFL TDs (fourth all-time) is a bit player in this offense, less important than Vincent Jackson or Antonio Gates.

The worst thing about these Chargers is not that they're incredibly average, it's the fact that they still carry themselves as though they're Super Bowl champs. Merriman has as many sacks this year as my mom, yet he runs his yap like he's Lawrence Taylor in his prime. Phil Rivers (who's excellent) is still a petulant, cocky frat fuck. Tomlinson's lasting image is either standing on the sideline of a playoff game wearing a cape, sitting on the sideline of a playoff game with his helmet on, or riding an exercise bike on the sideline of a playoff game. Any way you slice it, no all-time NFL great has done less in big games, playoff games or Super Bowls than LT. These guys are really good at coming up with dance routines, beating up reality skanks and starting pregame shoving matches, not so much at winning when it counts.

You had your must-win game last night, Bolts, and you choked as per usual. Please do us the favor of--as Mike Tyson would say--fading into Bolivian. Go away.

Image courtesy of Something Awful via KSK.

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Previewing the NFL Season, House Style: The AFC West

The wife is asleep, I've finally found employment--and am looking forward to 8 hours of orientation tomorrow--the gin and tonic is a-flowin' and training camp starts next week. So it's time, children, to take a completely unbiased look at our own fave division, that western arm of the American Football Conference.

Of course, by "unbiased," I mean "from the perspective of a Denver fanbot who has managed to convince himself that Jay Cutler is only one whiskey soda away from renal failure, so hello, Kyle Orton." Follow, please, and then throw mud (and/or things that vaguely resemble it) in the comments...

The Kansas City Chefs

2008 Record: 2-14

That was a heck of a year, eh, KC fans? Don't lie. I know that you all loved watching your beloved red-clad band of homos be embarassed at home by the likes of the Buffalo Bills en route to the worst season in franchise history.

How could you not? You had your Larry Johnson playing Scarface quotes at press conferences, your Dwayne Bowe dropping on-side kicks that hit him in the chest, your Herm Edwards. You had Glen Dorsey playing like Tommy Dorsey. You had a force-fed and ill-considered youth movement that smothered all hope of success, you had a goofy spread system, you had one of the worst pass rushes the NFL has ever seen (fewest sacks in one season since they started tracking the stat. Good gravy.)

It was so bad that Tyler Thigpen looked like a bright light. Yes, Tyler Thigpen. It's a wonder that you all didn't put on white robes and gather at the Plaza for a civic Drano-chug.

So how, you ask, could it get any worse? Well, I'll be happy to tell you: just hire the offensive coordinator of a one-year Super Bowl wonder, a guy who is going from working with some of the game's best skill position players to some of its worst. Then allow him to employ that same team's defensive boss, a dude who oversaw a pretty poor group, was evidently nicknamed "pink panties" by his own players and who is expected to teach a 4-3 team to play the 3-4, despite his own apparent predilection for the 4-3.

Top that off with a draft that left most analysts scratching their heads in befuddlement, and lo! You have the makings of yet another long, long season in the City of Fountains. It probably won't be 2-14 bad, but awful nonetheless. If it makes you all feel better, Mike "The Silv" Silver of Yahoo! Sports picks your team to be a surprise playoff contestant in '09; too bad that guy is a Birkenstock-licking Berkeley hermaphrodite.

The House Says: 4-12, last place in the AFC West

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The Oakland Raiders

2008 Record: 5-11

Ah, Oakland. When I was young, you were a team to be feared, a collection of future HoFers who talked tough and whipped everyone's asses besides.

Al Davis still thinks you are that team, Oakland; in fact, he still thinks it's 1973. He drafts players based entirely on their 40-yard dash times, demands that his coaches employ an antique 7-step drop deep passing game, sends down defensive calls from the owners' box and stubbornly, wholeheartedly believes in something called "the greatness of the Raiders." So, too, do Oakland's remaining fans, who are easily identified on messageboards nationwide by their use of the caps lock key and poor command of elementary-level grammar.

The reality, though, is that this franchise smells worse than Dom DeLuise's corpse in an Alabama summer. They've lost 10 or more games every year since they made the Super Bowl, the last year of Gruden's tenure (and, more important, the last time they had a decent GM with the juice to fight Davis). Their young quarterback, whom they took with the #1 overall pick, is likely to lose his job to Jeff Garcia, last seen helming the Buccaneers' ship as it sank to the bottom of Tampa Bay. Their run defense is embarassingly bad, they have no wideouts anyone fears and are likely to start a rookie safety that would probably have gone undrafted if they hadn't taken him in the 2nd fucking round.

So, Raider Nation, I'd like to ask you all something: how can everyone in the world not from Oakland be a "Raider Hater" when there's simply nothing to hate? Your team sucks, you're all a pack of mouth-breathing trogs and there aren't enough of you to sell out your tiny stadium. It would be a more honest representation of your squad's place in the NFL hierarchy if they played their games on the playground at Lake Merritt, against selected convicts from Pelican Bay. They'd still probably go 3-13.

The House Says: 5-11, third place in the AFC West (simply because I'm feeling generous, and because it will get in The Administrator's craw.)

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The Denver Broncos

2008 Record: 8-8

Last year's Broncos team fielded probably the worst defense I have ever seen. I mean, wow. Really, really bad. I grew to hate watching their games by the end of the year--The experience was akin to having someone you dislike duct-tape you to a straight-backed chair and poke you in the ribs, over and over, with a tuning fork.

Blame can be assigned everywhere: to Mike Shanahan, for forgoing the construction of an NFL-quality defense in favor of stockpiling offensive talent and for hiring his old college coaching buddy in a kind of affirmative action for rich white dudes. To said college coaching buddy, Bob Slowik, for being a passive milquetoast whose greatest attribute--I shit you all not--was evidently that he used computer animation to illustrate his points in meetings. (He should have chosen some old-school Japanese anime, something with plenty of disemboweling and firebombing, but he clearly went with Allegro Non Tropo.)

The mess was so ugly, really, that no one escapes responsibility. Shanahan was lustful of power and couldn't give up even a scratch to a competent GM (read: not Ted Sundquist, who was treated like a saint by the Denver media for reasons I could never divine)-if he had, the Broncos would never have fallen out of the league's elite the way they did. The guy simply could not judge talent on that side of the ball. His list of draft-day failures is long and depressing, so much so that I won't even bother to go into it, save to repeat the oft-repeated fact that, from 2000-2005, the Broncos drafted exactly *one* player who is still starting on their defense, D.J. Williams. Holy. Fuck. You have to work to be that bad at the draft.

The flipside, as most homers will quickly tell you, is that last season's offense was nearly as good as the defense was execrable. Lookatalltheyards! They say. And here comes coach Mc(insert insult that starts with the letter "D") to mess it all up! Gahhhhh!

I'm a homer. But I'm also a realist. At least, when it suits me to be one. For all of Denver's offensive show-offery last year--they were fantastic at moving the ball between the 20s, and Jay Cutler did in fact throw for the 3d most yards in the league--they were pedestrian when it came to actually scoring touchdowns, only ranking 16th. Apologists will point to the many, many running backs who ended the season on injured reserve; yet, thanks to a young and excellent offensive line, that poor rushing attack still averaged nearly 5 yards a carry.

So what was the real problem? A few elements: Jay Cutler threw the most picks of anyone not named Brett Favre, many of them at crucial moments and in the red zone. Brandon Marshall caught a ton of passes--but only six for scores. Tony Scheffler led the league in average yards per catch but disappeared near the goal line. Mike Shanahan fell in love with an offensive gameplan that amounted to pass, pass, pass again, hope Jay doesn't throw an interception, Christ that was close, OK, pass.

The defense didn't help the offense, certainly--they were among the very worst in the league at forcing turnovers, along with winless Detroit--but the converse was also true. The constant air raid, led by a QB addicted to throwing into triple coverage, never gave a weak D any rest. It's a wonder that they were even in position to win the division at all, especially when you add in the eternal problem of our un-special special teams.

And yet, they were. Kyle Orton is not in Jay Cutler's league when it comes to skill, but he possessed a nearly identical TD-to-INT ratio and, hilariously, led a bereft Chicago Bears offense to more points than Cutler did Denver's. And it wasn't like he was doing it behind some updated version of the Monsters of the Midway; last year's Bears team ranked #21 in overall D, Denver at #29. Against the pass, Chicago was nearly as bad as we were.

So all of that bloviation leads me to this: Jay Cutler is a whiny lying creep who demanded a trade before Josh McDaniels even showed up, Mike Nolan is a significant upgrade over Slowik, our secondary will be light years better than it was previously (Brian Dawkins over Calvin Lowery? I say yes) and we drafted the best back in college football. The schedule is murderous, we won't make the playoffs, we have no true 3-4 nose tackle--unless Ron Fields or Chris Baker shocks the world--but we won't be nearly as bad as the John Claytons of the world imagine.

The House Says: 8-8, second place in the AFC West

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The San Diego Chargers

2008 Record: 8-8

Remember when no one cared about this team?

Oh, right, they still don't.

The House Says: 11-5, first place in the AFC West, first-round playoff exit and the end of a particular group of players that could have won multiple Super Bowl championships. Suck on it, you worthless SoCal bandwagon wannabes. Enjoy rooting for the Irvine Chargers in three years.
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