Friday, August 28, 2009

Friday Follow-Up: The Best Damn Thing Ever Written Period

If the Internets weren't spotted with great writers from which I could quote, I'm not sure what I'd do. Take Big Daddy Drew, for example. Love the guy. Never really got into his Peter King stuff over at Kissing Suzy Kolber, but most everything else he does rocks. His bits at Deadspin are no exception.

Take the "Why Your Football Team Sucks" series that's currently underway. Awesome. Yesterday's Green Bay Packers installment was phenomenal. I literally lost track of how many times I laughed out loud. When I was done, I considered writing to him to tell him about how much I hate the Denver Broncos. It turns out I was too late.

Some excerpts:

"I don't think I've ever seen an organization go from model franchise to baffling train wreck so quickly. Have you ever seen a new coach wear out his welcome faster than Josh McDaniels? Usually, it takes at least one regular season game before the fans start drunkenly calling for your big stupid head."

"The team just now suspended charming wife beater Brandon Marshall for the rest of the preseason for conduct detrimental to the team. Which leaves the Broncos a receiving corps of Eddie Royal and the cast of "Fame". It's a refreshing change from the days when the team brought in criminals like Maurice Clarett."

"During their late 90's Super Bowl title runs, the Broncos came to epitomize pretty much all of the annoying qualities of the Niners during their dynasty. Arrogant coach branded as some kind of genius/mastermind/guru/giant throbbing brain in a glass jar? Check. EXCESSIVE, ILLEGAL CUT BLOCKING? Check. Flagrant salary cap violations? Check. Lame end zone celebration? Check. (The Mile High Salute? Really?)"

"Sharpe won't visit his kids because he hates their mothers, but if he was a better dad, he'd feed them too much gravy and kill them. Awesome."

"The irony of John Elway's horseteeth and Shannon Sharpe's horseteeth together on a team with a Horse for a mascot, Terrell Davis' knees and braces, Barrelman, Fans shouting INCOMPLETE in unison...Fuck the Broncos, and fuck Colorado."

Hell. Fuck. Yeah. That's just what my Friday needed: A gigantic post of the shit I've always said in somebody else's handwriting.


old no. 7 said...

Let's break out our checklist of shopworn Bronco critique:

Criminals? Check. Cheating? Check (Bonus points for all-caps on CUT BLOCKING). More cheating on the salary cap? Check. Horse teeth/faces? You got it. Shannon Sharpe's lack of intellect and birth control? Yes and yes. We left out not playing for the team that drafted you, tanning beds and cigarretes, home cooking and Mayor Mcvesco, but all in all this snares a majority of the low-hanging fruit.

Just wondering how much of a comic mastermind Drew will be the day his Why Your Team Sucks: Kansas City Chiefs edition comes out.

bankmeister said...

Now, now. I've fully anticipated the release of Version Chief, and I will most definitely post highlights of it here.

Anonymous said...

I could not imagine anything as good and unfiltered, though.
Low hanging, indeed.

Cecil said...

DKC, how come you show up as anon?

I admit: I don't think Big Daddy Drew is all that funny.

Has nothing to do with this piece. It's his schtick. It was mildly amusing for a while, but the joke, such as it is, doesn't take long to get. And once it's got, eh. Say fuck a few more times and talk about taking a shit again. Brilliant.

He fits in perfectly at Deadspin, the Andover Prep of sports blogs.

old no. 7 said...

Cecil, as usual you have no idea what you're talking about. Just look at that photo--there is absolutely NOTHING prep school about it.

Anonymous said...

The anti-spam security system shut me out.
So I had to go all David Lightman and hack in as an anon.
I'm cyber-sneaky like that.
PS its doing it again. It doesn't like me today. I made a comment in the regular fashion, yesterday.

old no. 7 said...

We're actually trying to ban you and make you leave like Lone Reader, but you won't take the hint.

Dylan said...


Dylan said... again!
Please help me in the battle against evil.
What do you think about nationalized health care?

bankmeister said...

I'm not gonna lie: The piece was barely written by Drew and not all that funny, but funny in the sense that, like I said, someone besides me wrote it.

But serisously, if you didn't think the Packers one was funny, then there's something wrong with you.

Also, swearing and prep points duly noted.

bankmeister said...

And of course, just after I put him on a pedestal, then stood up for him some more, he committed THE cardinal sin of writing: bashing Frank Zappa .

From here on out, BDD is a pile of feces in an unwashed Bob's John.

Cecil said...

He's too busy with Andrew W.K. to bother with Frank.

bankmeister said...

I'm afraid to ask, but here goes: Who in the heck is Andrew W.K.?