Showing posts with label The Human Sponsorship Reel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Human Sponsorship Reel. Show all posts

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Re-Open the Debate of Two


Occasional reader The Lone Reader has long been on the thoroughly sweaty jock of the Human Sponsorship Reel, aka LeBron James. No problem with that--James is a hell of a player, maybe the best in the league since Jordan. But along the way he feels it somehow necessary to debase the Nuggets, specifically Carmelo Anthony and Allen Iverson. Who knows why. My guess is that Canada slowly makes you crazy.

I've gently taken his stupid fucking opinion to task over the last year as something of a public service. After all, no one else on this board is gonna do it. So I'd just like to say, as of right now, the Nuggets are thumping King James and his cast of nobody by 20. Nothing to read from that--just up by 20. That's all.
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Sunday, June 10, 2007

The LeBrons


Our Lone Reader adopted the Cleveland Cavaliers as his team for this postseason--and presumably afterward, we dunno. His stated reason: Bron-Bron and the boys aren't merely a one man gig and play hard, team-oriented basketball.

I'll give you the "plays hard" part. But the Cavs are the single biggest one-man show outside of Los Angeles. When LeBron doesn't take over, they generally don't stand a chance. Remove him and you've got a try-hard lottery team.

(And this is, by no means, any knock on the kid's talent. He's clearly the real deal, even if, and I choke to write this, Bill Simmons correctly pointed out that his 48 pointer versus Detroit was great, but not in any league with, say, Magic opening in the pivot in the '80 Finals versus Philadelphia and racking up the following line: 42 points, 15 rebounds, 7 assists.)

Like tonight. Look at the guys on the floor right now--Anderson Varejao, Daniel Gibson, Donyell Marshall, Damon Jones and Bron-Bron. Behind LeBron, you have a few 10 pointer type efforts from Pavlovic, Gooden and Gibson, but that's a playoff fraud.

The basketball-watchin' element of the HoG has long held that these Cavaliers, and their Vaccaro-ordained superstar, are all hat and no cowboy. All hominy, no grits. Leaving aside the vast inferiority of the East--which, let's just admit, we can't really do--the Cavs have so far played a less-than-impressive slate. And don't start with "they beat the Pistons" because, even though I picked Detroit to win, that obviously wasn't the Larry Brown group that won the title a few years back. Rasheed was disintegrating, no one was playing team defense...No, that wasn't a title contender. That was a team coached by a grown man named Flip.

So, I'm pleased to announce, my toss-off pick of the Spurs is looking better and better, 103-92, Riverwalk Prickly Pear Margaritas over the Flaming Rivers of Toxic Filth. Go choke on a Milk Bone, Cleveland. This Denver fan doesn't feel your pain.

(That may have been petty, but eh.) Read more

Sunday, June 3, 2007

Boner Juice Breezes, Big-League Skeezes and Uncle Tyrese's


Really, this has nothing to do with Boner Juice. (And to satisfy our lawyers, various eager "fans" and the municipality of Edgewater, we here at th' HoG have nothing to do with Boner Juice either. It's just not for us. We prefer 'em sans juice or not at all.)

No, it's Sunday night headline-grubbing. What to write about? The penultimate Sopranos episode? That'll get plenty of coverage elsewhere, thanks. The Cavs against the Spurs? While the answer will disappoint the Lone Reader, I simply can't abuse basketball's pre-ordered playoff calculus so thoroughly as to foresee a win for the Human Sponsorship Reel and his Cast of Several.

Rather, I'll address, however briefly and unconcernedly, Billy Donovan. Yep, Billy Donovan. The basketball coach at Florida last seen humbling the NCAA's proudest roundball flag two years consecutive, the guy who realized his starting five was heading pro, the guy who took a contract with the Orlando Magic, the guy who then realized well, golly, I'll miss those malts with the pep squad and then backed out of said contract to great reportage. And by "great" I mean plentiful.

So: who cares?

Seriously. Billy Donovan is only the latest success story in an endless rah-rah parade of college goombahs who, drunk on the last plaudit at closing time, decide to take their act pro. Nearly all, with vicious consistency, fail, and badly.

Look at Tim Floyd. Or Mike Montgomery. College hoops coaches, by and large, can't match wits with their leathery NBA brethren. They charm teenagers with tales of easy grades and girls, flash a Tournament Championship ring and give Uncle Tyrese $23. They aren't built to manage multimillionaires with their own video games who don't need to worry about being pushed for playing time by some try-hard scrub from Torrance.

So Donovan discovering late in the contest that he preferred letter jackets and co-eds to Tony Battie was hardly a surprise.

More like a man coming to his senses just before fucking Ann Coulter. Read more

Monday, May 28, 2007

I Swear I Thought it Was Mustard


Our official HoG charter requires us to make comment on the NBA.

Ever since the Nugs dropped out, I haven't really been paying close attention. Evidently LeBron was too indecisive, then overrated, now back to Human Sponsorship Reel status. Timmy D continues to bank 15-footers over and over and over. The Jazz looked like Bix Beiderbecke against Golden State's frantic midget ball (Ed. Note: Apologies for the use of the offensive locution "midget." The author meant to type "dwarf" or "little person." He hadn't decided which. Carry on.) but are pulling the cloak off a surprise three-hour set with Kenny G and Marion Meadows on this one. The Suns are nowhere to be found.

And you know what? Good. I love the way that team plays, but I've seen enough of their resident Canadian muskrat to last me until senior citizenship. I look forward to a Finals starring the protruberant Bugs Bunny teeth of Rasheed Wallace and the hilarious Argentinian acting skills of Manu "I'm not Balki" Ginobili.

Pistons to beat Cavs in 6.
Spurs wipe up the Salt Lake crumbs next game,

Spurs beat Pistons in the Finals in 6 games.

Now off to your bookies, kids, and remember: those tablets make you run faster. Read more