Pickin' & Grinnin': With Gravy and Yams

I don't know if your bookie is working Thanksgiving. I always did. That's right, kids, back in college I took bets for a few years, and I did a moderate amount of business on this sacred holiday. I might have had to sneak the phone calls in between mixing the potatoes and, well, drinking, but one needs to serve his clientele.

Thanksgiving is, hands down, the greatest day on my calendar. I get to eat approximately 400 per cent of what any normal human should be allowed, and not a single person will look at me thinking "Wow. That man is a fat disgusting pig." It's Thanksgiving! I get to drink beer like it's water, wine as if it were post-workout Gatorade and suck down Tennessee whisky just to cleanse the palette. I get to see all almost all of my family (my sister couldn't make it in from D.C.), but in measured doses. And best of all, the entire thing is structured around football. Sweet, glorious football. Thank God the Pilgrims decided to play a game of two-hand touch on Plymouth Beach before their feast, setting this whole affair into motion.

As an added bonus, the NFL decided to add a third Thanksgiving game, starting with last year's KC-Denver train wreck (still the only contest in the history of The Tradition I have not attended, my absence was excused by the prior paragraph). And as for the hissy that putting that game on the NFL Network has created, I just don't get it. I have the NFL Network. Because I have DirecTV. Because DirecTV is the only place where you can get Sunday Ticket. And if you don't have Sunday Ticket, then you are a half ass football fan. End of story. Enjoy watching Colts-Falcons on the Internet, losers. Actually, that game will suck. I wish I had basic cable.

More wistful holiday memories, and bone-crunching holiday football picks against the spread, after the jump...

I'll actually be watching tonight's USC-Arizona State game instead, for two reasons: One, it will be superior to the Indy game. Two, I'll be at the home of my wife's parents, who matriculated in Tempe. That's right, assholes, I am double-dipping. After last year's shared meal devolved into a drunken nightmare of political screaming and third-degree deep-fried turkey burns (the fried bird is excellent, by the way, I highly recommend), my folks and the in-laws have decided to cool off for a year and host separate dinners. Which I thought sucked at first, because underneath my crusty facade I'm a sappy sentimental bitch. But when I realized that they'd be staggering their feasts by several hours, the tent in my pants rose like a pop-up plastic turkey thermometer.

Two o'clock at Mom's, with all of the delicious dishes of my childhood. Then, no time to help with cleaning, because we're headed across town for the wife's kin. We won't make it for the sit-down meal, just the postgame Tupperware-stuffing and leftover bonanza. This is a win-win, because if you sit down at someone else's Thanksgiving table you might have to suck down a few disgusting dishes. Like real cranberries (in my world, we only consume the jellied canned variety, or Craisins). Or sweet potatoes that are not directly adjacent to marshmallows. What is this, prison? They're called sweet potatoes for a reason, Grandma, and that reason is they need much more artificial sugar with them to be edible.

But if you just stroll in later, you're under no obligation to go through the formality of eating anything in particular. You can just sample what looks awesome, all the while acting modest. "No, no, I'm far too full to have any more stuffing. But if you insist, go ahead a throw on another slice of pumpkin pie and slather it all with more gravy. Thanks." And then, when it's time to clean, my father-in-law will inform the womenfolk that the Sun Devils are kicking off and we'll be in the living room.

There's something to be said for marrying a woman with no brothers. My wife's dad is insane about sports, but he never sired a boy. He's been drifting through life with decades of pent-up man conversation that has never been sated. When we hang out it is wall-to-wall, non-stop jock talk, peppered with profanity and saturated with booze. And best of all, none of it is my fault. I'm just the outlet for a man to talk about baseball with the son he never had.

Anyway, enjoy your day kids. Take care and remember why we're here today: those valiant touch-football playing Pilgrims and their opponent, the Washington Redskins. I don't know what the spread was that day.

The Picks

First off we have Green Bay at Detroit, which is an honest-to-goodness decent game in the resurgent NFC. Take out the top two or three teams in each conference and I firmly believe that the NFC is better in terms of quality depth. The Pack could really take a chokehold on the division with a win here (they play again in the season finale) and Brett Favre is Brett Favre, but I've got to take the home team and the points. The Pick: Lions +3

The CBS game, planted firmly amidst supper for midday eaters like the Sevens, features the Cowboys and the Jets. Let's go ahead and eat. I know the Jets beat Pittsburgh last week, but the Steelers have had a long hard season and were probably desperate to get home and fuck some grade school boys. Dallas will win, and they might win big. That's a lot of points. Fuck it. The Pick: Cowboys -14

Go ahead and bang the over on that game too. The Pick: OVER 47 1/2

I swore last week that me and Bobby Petrino were through. I went to his house and got all my shit out of his bathroom. After what he did to me, cheating on Joey Harrington with that fat slut Byron Leftwich, i can't look him in the eye. But now he goes and does this. Reinserts Joey, against the limping Colts, creating a classic value opportunity. I want to pull the trigger on the Falcons, I really do, but if I let Bobby Petrino back into my life he'll be there forever. Go to hell, Bobby Petrino. The Pick: Colts -11 1/2

Bonus NCAA picks: I'll be pulling for ASU tonight, but that doesn't mean I'll be betting on them. The Pick: Trojans -3 Also, for tomorrow, try these on for size:

COLORADO -4 1/2 over Nebraska
Mississipi +6 1/2 @ MISS. ST.
Wyoming +3 1/2 @ COLORADO ST.
LSU -13 over Arkansas
Texas -5 1/2 @ TEXAS A&M

Yep, I'm picking the alma maters of my dad, my father-in-law and myself to all lose. Both my sisters went to CU, and I'd love for them to lose to a pitiful Nebraska team, but that ain't happenin' either. Enjoy the leftovers though.

Last week: 1-4 (But the Broncos won!). Season record: 29-27. Coming Sunday, a whole new ridiculous gambling strategy guaranteed to make you money (Note: not actually guaranteed).