Hard Knocks Review: Episode I

I don't have HBO. But I convinced the wife we should get it for Hard Knocks: Training Camp with the Kansas City Chiefs, and cancel afterwards. That was one of the best decisions I've ever made. Last night's debut episode was, by far, one of the best hours of television I've seen in ages. Words simply cannot describe how much ass it kicked. I suppose most folks would thoroughly enjoy an uninterrupted hour of footage about their team, but I've been wrong before. Highlights:



First of all, I don't even like lookin' at men in spandex, but Bernard Pollard can dance. That was some hilarious business, and I loved how much the team got a kick out of it. Let's not forget the vat full of awesome this kid's going to be at safety this year, too.

Brodie Croyle gets a nod, not for his arm or southern drawl, but because of his wife. Holy. Smokes. Batman. The Internets have yet to provide us with an image of her that does her hotness justice. Let's get on that, Internets. That rockin' bod is to be viewed, ASAP.

Gone are the days of Tim Krumrie being famous for snapping his leg in Super Bowl XXIII. The Chiefs defensive line coach likes to yell. A lot. He'd best learn how to yell from his diaphragm and not his throat or he'll be without a voice before opening day. Receivers coach Charlie Joiner did have some funny comments that the boys at Arrowhead Addict addressed in their liveblog of the show. Defensive Coordinator Gunther Cunningham was intense and entertaining as always. Dick Curl (one of five guys other teams' coaching staffs don't have, but Herm sees a need for) (Editor's Note: Sweet name, dude.) was pretty impressive, and Herm was, well, Herm. Krumrie, however, was frightening. He's an angry, red-faced man that, um, kind of looks like Nick Nolte in a scary, mug shot kind of way.

Jared Allen gets some props for a variety of reasons. His scripted heartfelt speech about dualing DUIs changing his life is not one of them. The footage of him knocking back O'Doul's, however, is. He should be their new spokesman. Now. That was damn funny. He also gets a whoop-whoop for mentoring. When asked by a rookie what one should do if you're being held by the jersey, he said "Kick 'em in the nuts. That'll get 'em to stop." Nice, Jared. The ultimate highlight, though, was Allen being caught on film playing Guitar Hero with the ax slung behind his head, ala Hendrix. Hilarious stuff.

Jason Dunn gets a holler, but not for anything awesome. Head Coach Herm Edwards has called him "Diesel" in the past. Apparently, he now calls him "JD." I'd call him a giant little bitch. Not to his face, of course, 'cause that's how I roll. But there was some mildly entertaining, mildly disturbing footage of Dunn whining to Edwards in the lobby of the River Falls dorm about having to sleep on the second floor. As narrated on the show, the newer you are, the higher up your floor, thus veterans are on the first floor and not battling the stairs. Dunn, after being put on IR at last season's end, is still not practicing as he continues to recover from back surgery. He was not happy about bunking on floor number two. And by not happy, I mean a huge baby. We were even subjected to a Tony Gonzalez snippet that elaborated on how not happy Dunn was about the situation. Sheesh.

All said though, the show was phenomenal. I'm interested to hear why Old No. 7 didn't like it. As far as I could tell, it was nothing shy of superb. I'm looking forward to next week's episode already and may have to re-schedule my fantasy football draft, which I stupidly coordinated for the evening of the final edition. Hey. It's a Hard Knocks life out there.