We Are Hot Chicks: Hide And Seek

Editor's Note: This one sort of pushes the envelope as far as work safety goes. If you have a boss or wife that might object to you checking out pictures of 99% naked women, you may want to find a different computer (or boss, or wife).

As this is ostensibly a sports blog, I've always tried to theme my installments of the Hot Chicks along athletic lines. I've gone over Hot Chicks that bang pitchers and Hot Chicks that have fake marriages with gay jocks. I looked into features on Hot Chicks of the NBA, women's soccer and triathlons, but most of those broads are hideous.

Since the WWE murder/suicide story has been getting a lot of play this week, I thought I had an easy in: Hot Chick wrestling. But my "research" into images of various grappling mediums (mud, oil, Jello, K-Y, pudding, creamed corn, etc.) revealed two disturbing truths. One is that most of the women that wrestle in filth fall far below the attractiveness standards of this fine website. Two is that the ones that are easy on the eyes tend to get all fucked up because they're obscured by an opaque glaze of goo. I did find this (slightly NSFW), which is certainly appealing.

But all that got me thinking about a game we used to play: Hide & Seek. It's particularly appropriate during the heat of summer, when the ladies play all sorts of dumb games with their apparel, obscuring their desirable parts with tinier and tinier swatches , strings and straps. Yes, constant nudity would be great, but where's the sport in that? Thus here is a scientific breakdown of various ways to disguise the nips and hoo-has.

THE HANDS

Since most of us, unless we're soccer freaks or hacky-sackers, use our hands to accomplish most simple tasks, they're the most natural devices with which to obscure one's udder womanhood. Mandy here gets extra points for the placement of her fingers, allowing her silicone glory to overflow in all the right areas.

THE FINGER PAINT

Occasionally one ends up elbow-deep in paint. It happens. It also leaves hand-shaped residue upon one's chest, which might turn you on if you have a kindergarten art fetish like Caitlynn (or Katelyn or Kaitlin, honestly who gives a shit?) here.

THE CURTAINS

Some call them drapes, some shades. I call them the only thing between us and lovely Brittany here.

THE SCARF

When it's cold outside, you must dress smartly. Janet, who's obviously an A student, has bundled up in a fashionable striped muffler and is ready for Arctic conditions.

THE THREE SLICES OF AMERICAN CHEESE

Somehow bonded together by strands of Silly String. Nice work, Melissa.

THE CHAINS

Jessica is serious about emergency preparedness. Should her vehicle ever get stuck in a ditch she can always attach her various cables and pulleys to extract it. Likewise, if she bags a deer during hunting season she has enough chain with which to secure it to her roof. Very handy.

THE CHAMPION

No one, and I do mean no one, pulls off the minimal coverup like Louise Glover. Here she goes for the fishnet bodysuit, in case she spies a sturgeon in a nearby lake.
These concentric spirals are what Louise wears to basketball games. She sits behind the hoop and distracts opposing free throw shooters.
In class today, I assigned Louise a gold star for every time she made a HoG reader take his laptop into the restroom.
And Louise wishes you good day. Read more

Tradition Tuesday: Keepin' It Real

Editor's Note: The rough focus of this blog is the rivalry between the Kansas City Chiefs (heralded by Bankmeister) and the Denver Broncos (championed by Cecil and Old No. 7). It may seem unfair that it's two vs. one, but once KC gets that second Super Bowl we'll even out the delegation.

Seven years ago we started The Tradition, in which Bronco fans travel out to the Truman Sports Complex with their team, and Chief-lovers return to the Rocky Mountains with theirs. We tailgate, we talk massive amounts of shit, our wives occasionally get assaulted by rival fans, and we almost always watch the visiting team lose. It's a grand old time.

Here at the HoG, we're going to keep The Tradition alive all year long with Tradition Tuesday--a weekly state-of-the-rivalry address.

As I eagerly await Herm's weekly presser, I thought I'd have a look at some of the happenings on our beloved teams' Web sites.

Two years ago, when the Chiefs drafted fullback Boomer Grigsby (no relation to Bill, thank God)out of Illinois State, the administrators of One Arrowhead Drive crafted a plan to have a rookie diary segment on the Internet. And it was neat. The special teamer "dropped by" each week and left entries on an assortment of things: training camp, practice, game time, teammates, etc. The idea gave a non-reporter, non-news-story feel to kcchiefs.com.

Now, I haven't peeked at the site very much since the team ole'd the Colts a pass through the first round of the playoffs, but I don't recall seeing the ol' diary any time recently.

Therefore, I thought it might be interesting to compare Bronco Nation and Chiefs Nation via the teams' respective InterWebs locales.

Over on denverbroncos.com, you can find an abundance of blogging from an array of guys, including players. Yeah. I know. I was surprised, too. And the stuff is well-written, even. Check it out, dear readers. Things like Domonique Foxworth crafting error-free posts on team toughness and, get this, the franchise's hockey team. My favorite part of the post is where he talks about the re-structuring of Denver's defensive line, which, when it produces a pass rush, apparently makes them "look like the best secondary in the world. Which we are," quoth the fox.

Wow. Get a load of yourself there, bud. Let's not start the Champ an' Dre bukkake circle just yet.

Over at the Chiefs' domain, some guy named Brad Kuhbander (who apparently has been with the franchise as long as The Tradition has been around) strolled down memory lane. Ah, yes. Re-living the old Marcus Allen/Joe Montana years. That hasn't been done before. Update: Yes it has. Way too much. And by "way too much," I mean please don't do that again. Ever. He also exerted himself to throw up a three-sentence paragraph that brags -- and conveniently leaves out the five-year absence -- about Donnie Edwards. Savory.

Both sites have the token look-at-us-doing-good-stuff-for-the-community stories, too. The studly-armed duo of Jay Cutler and Patrick Ramsey can be viewed here where the fifth man to replace the man is definitely not drinking an adult beverage. Not at his own golf tourney. Everyone knows that booze is bad, scratch that, evil, stuff. The Chiefs apparently teamed up with my Kansas City Royals in a project called Operation Blessing. Awesome idea, but Dustin Colquitt and Mike Sweeney? Wasn't the idea to save some kids from pain? The punter and the injury-riddled $55 million dollar man, part I? Sheesh. Throw a hungry kid a bone, guys. Oops. I mean, throw a hungry kid a cheeseburger, guys.

As most Web sites do, each of these two offer the ever-popular user poll. Bronco Nation asks its readers which of the two newly-acquired defensive tackles (Jimmy Kennedy or Sam "don't call me Lager" Adams) will help the team most. Personally, I like how the site boasts that the new personnel gives the team three d-line guys at 325 pounds or bigger. My vote tallied as the 9030th. It killed me to participate in a broncos.com activity, but, hey, top-notch journalism requires a regular dose of sacrifice. Anyway, it appears I was thinking like most Bronco lovers -- which scares me more than sharks and snakes combined -- since we comprised 68.2% of those that thought Lager would contribute more. Hell, I just voted for him 'cause I like his ale. Kennedy, at 31.9% could come back strong, I guess. He should probably change his name to something cooler though. Like Jimmy Fallon. Or Johnny Kennedy.

The Chiefs want their fans to predict which wide out will help the most. The obvious choice between Jeff Webb, Chris Hannon (who?), and Dwayne Bowe is the third (18, 5, and 77%, respectively). And that's only because everybody who's anybody wants someone on his team he can call D-Bo. At's my bike, punk!

Both sites also have clever Father's Day ads, and a credit to the intelligence of both franchises, feature very little about their not-that-hip mascots.

There's also an abundance of video footage for viewing pleasure available on both domains. Don't forget to tune in to Broncos tv on Thursday, June 14, from 3-6 p.m. eastern daylight time. It's a must-see segment of John Elway (doesn't that guy sell cars or something?) and footage of Super Bowls XXXII and XXXIII. Those games are way under-covered by regular television. I almost never remember that ol' number seven won those two contests, let alone see the helicopter play highlights of them.

Over on chiefs.com, you can watch the coach and the two remaining quarterbacks get interviewed about the starting quarterback situation in Kansas City. That's some fresh news. I wasn't aware there was a situation.

And that, my friends, is all I have to say about that.

Read more