Baseball in the Tubgirl Day Time: Step Away From the Promotions Podium

Howdy, folks. As you well may know, we're three days into September, which means we're four weeks away from playoff baseball. Now, that might be exciting to you if you root for a good team. I do not, so therefore, I have looked ahead to the football and hockey seasons, where I'll also root for not good teams. I'm hoping the Chiefs might go 8-8, but then Peter King is predicting just that, so it probably won't happen. He's also predicting five wins out of Denver, four out of Oakland, and for the Cleveland Browns to assume the old 2-14 role, which I've come to know somewhat well. Elsewhere in Sports Illustrated writing is this month-old piece. Not a bad read.

Cleveland @ Detroit, 12:05 Central: Kicking things off today is our lone American League match. Sort of. It features Fausto Carmona on the visiting hill for the Tribe. Nate Robertson and his Kyle Farnsworth glasses gets the nod for the home team at Comerica Park. Nobody's quite sure what to make of Carmona these days. He sports a 3-9 record, a 6.20 E.R.A. Robertson, however, is making just his second start o' the season, and his earned-run average is inching towards seven. In this fine contest of American League Central clubs, Detroit, as mentioned earlier in the week, keeps coasting along in first. Cleveland looks to avoid the series sweep. DirecTV will feature the tilt on 721, 723. XM carries it on channel 176.

Milwaukee @ St. Louis, 1:15: We go from A.L. Central to N.L. Central in an hour and change in day baseball. At Busch Stadium today, Manny Parra goes for the Brew Crew; some guy named John Smoltz goes for the first-place Redbirds. St. Louis is pretty much a lock to take this division with a 10 and-a-half-game lead going into today. Milwaukee faded down the stretch quicker than a can of Beast Light exits the bowels the morning after a beer bender. Parra hopes to bring his record to .500. Smoltz is hoping to just not get lit up. See what happens on DirecTV 723, 724, or listen in on XM 185.

Chicago @ Chicago, 1:20: Here's where things get interesting: It's a little Interleague play sprung upon the day baseball fans, out of nowhere, and landing in the friendly confines of Wrigley Field. Un cabron by the name of Carlos Torres seeks win number one in his third big-league start. He's not yet taken a loss, but his E.R.A. has taken a beating. He'll represent the visitors today and aspire to secure himself a job in the White Stockings future rotation. On the mound for the Cubbies is Ryan Dempster who's put together an 8-7/4.15 campaign. The righty has also fanned 129 while walking 56. Both Chicago clubs could make a run at a wildcard spot, but they'll need some serious ass-kicking medicine to kick in. See who's got the edge on DirecTV 307, 725, or 726. If you're listenin', it's XM one eight five.

New York @ Colorado, 2:10: Finally, Los Mets visit SethfuckingSmith and the Colorado Rockies in a pitching duel that features lefty Pat Misch for the Metropolitans, Jason Marquis for the home team. Heading into today, New York has lost eight of their last 10, and have now won only eight more ball games than the Kansas City Royals. The magic eight ball says, "Your future looks cloudy." Colorado on the other hand, can't decide if they'll catch the Dodgers or just float kinda motion-like on a breeze in hopes for a post-season gift. And speaking of post-season gifts, this makes me puke, not in my mouth, but projectile-style, on my shoes. If you think that's an improvement over Dane Cook, feel free to check yourself in to the nearest community mental health center, pronto. Anyway, the home team's hurler, Marquis, has gone 14-9 this season while keeping his E.R.A. under four. The Rox have put together two straight wins, but they still sit four-plus back of the N.L. West lead. Watch this game on DirecTV 213 or 727. Catch the audio on XM 184. And if you'd like, read this SI piece, and rip the author a new one for failing to mention SethfuckingSmith. Dude calls himself a writer. Oh well. At least he remembered to boldface all his names.

There's your friendly foursome of day baseball. Get out there and represent, represent.