The Iron Triangle of the House of Georges likes to argue. A lot. We bicker over whether that last call was home cookin' or a feat of unbiased umpiring. We quarrel about whose turn it is to buy the next round of drinks. But most of all, we match wits on the topic of greatness: Bonds or Rose? Coke or Pepsi? Neil Diamond or Sergio Mendes? And so we three set off on an epic journey, a quest to rank the Top 25 of the past quarter-century in a variety of our favorite sports and cultural topics. Today's lucky target: NFL Quarterbacks.
That's what I love about these high school girls, man. We get older, they stay the same age. QBs, yeah, they're more like us. Around dusk in the upper Midwest they say it gets late early out here, and so it goes with signal-callers in the National Football League. They get hurt. They get benched. They go to prison on multiple federal felony convictions. It's hard out here for a pimp, and if you can manage to stay upright and hang in the pocket for a decade or so, win a bunch of games and rack up some stats, well we might just consider you for the HoG25.
Due to our massive length and girth, we'll only cover Nos. 25 through 11 on our list today. Join us tomorrow for the Top Ten.
25. MARK BRUNELL
Bankmeister: Naturally, an offensive line shifts from conventional thinking when a left-handed quarterback is under center, which makes a drop step look odd. The vision, arm strength, and mobility of Jacksonville Jaguar Mark Brunell, however, set him above some of his counterparts, and, for a moment, he showed flashes of Steve Young. The three-time Pro Bowler out of Washington was taken in the fifth round of the 1993 draft by the Green Bay Packers, and though reports have never been confirmed, it is still widely speculated that the Pack’s incumbent starter--dubbed “Lorenzo”--had murmured something about early retirement at the end of the 1992-93 season, thus prompting the Wisconsin brass to nab Brunell. Turned out they didn’t need him, so they shipped the lefty to Florida for a third- and a fifth-rounder in the ’95 draft.
If you give every expansion franchise a free pass for their first season, and I think you do, then Jacksonville’s late-‘90s success is largely attributable to Brunell and his leadership. Offensively, they had nothing in the backfield beyond Natrone Means and James Stewart until 1998 when Fred Taylor busted the 1200-yard mark. Teams weren’t necessarily carrying a ton of backs on their rosters at that time, frequently leaving the signal caller fairly high up on the total-rushing-yards list. The fact that Brunell was third on the team in total rushing yards every season from 1995-2002 speaks volumes of his pocket presence. Add to that, that from ’96-02, he posted a 60+ completion percentage, threw for over 23,000 yards, and pegged a touchdown-interception ratio of 127:59. There’s no way you leave Brunell off of this list.
At the turn of the century, the team’s success dropped significantly, but years two through five for Brunell and the Jaguars were highly impressive, especially when you toss in a 1996 AFC Championship game appearance in just their sophomore year, one that came at the expense of none other than the Denver Broncos.
Vinny threw for 13,000 more yards than Simms, which is almost seven and a half miles more. Vinny had 275 TDs to Simms' 199. Both made two Pro Bowls, both threw for right around 200 yards a game, both had similar completion percentages (55 for Phil, 56.5 for Vinny). Phil Simms did have a better yards per attempt (7.2 over Vinny's 6.9), which surprised me.
But what about Phil's title, and all those picks Vinny threw? It's true that Simms won a ring with the Giants and played spectacularly well in doing so, going 22-for-25 against the Broncos and taking the game's MVP. But Jeff Hostetler winning with almost the same team, in my opinion, does serious damage to Simms' claim to be a great QB. As for Vinny's INTs, we have to remember how bad those Tampa teams he played on were, and also the fact that Vinny is colorblind and Tampa wore that really light orange at home. He literally could not tell who he was throwing to. Vinny threw 267 picks, which is an awful lot, 4th all time. But his INT percentage was 4.0, not far from Simms' 3.4. And Simms was sacked 477 times, which is 4th all time, a flabbergasting number for someone who only played 14 years (and only played 16 games four times, becasue he was a gigantic pussy). Basically both of them fucked their teams a lot, they just did it in different ways. Vinny got rid of the ball and threw it to the other team, Phil ate the ball and punted to the other team.
Vinny actually had the most success of his career when he ended up with Simms' coach, Bill Parcells. Where would Vinny have ended up had he started with Parcells (and dark blue uniforms) instead of finishing with him? I suspect we would not be having this particular debate about Phil Simms.
Anyway, take a look at the numbers for both and tell me what you think. While you're at it, compare Simms to Eli Manning, who's only been around five years and is not ranked in our top 25. Eli will shatter every passing mark Simms put up and already has a ring--and his came at the expense of a dynasty, not a cupcake pushover from the weaker conference.
In summary, Phil Simms was a gigantic pussy…that's my main point here.
13. RANDALL CUNNINGHAMBankmeister: Randall Cunningham. Just saying the name brings sparks of electricity to the mind’s eye. Drafted in the second round of the 1985 draft, Cunningham was a football pioneer. He was, on some smaller spectrum, like Jackie Robinson in baseball. That is, it was never a secret that African-Americans could play baseball. It was instead a matter of the white man allowing them to. The same was true in football to a lesser degree. When the American Football League was formed, professional football scouts began to heavily recruit and ultimately sign players from black colleges, which paved the way to mega-success for the African-American NFL athlete. Except for the quarterback position. Let’s back up. Several black dudes took snaps in the 1950s, and the Raiders were the first club to take a black QB in the first round (Eldridge Dickey out of Tennessee State in 1968). And then there were Doug Williams and Warren Moon. Williams took the ’78 Buccaneers to a division title and the NFC Conference Championship game, but he, in the regular season, completed just 41 percent of his passes and threw six more interceptions than touchdowns. Moon was drafted a year ahead of Cunningham, became a fantastic player, and a Hall of Famer, but he played for some miserable Houston Oiler teams.

Cunningham, on the other hand, unveiled the dual-threat quarterback. The legitimate dual threat. The Mike Vick 16 years before Mike Vick and with a good pocket presence and fewer dead Rottweilers. Randall Cunningham made the post-Dick Vermeil Eagles good again. He made defensive coordinators piss their beds on Saturday nights. He made fans of opposing teams say “Holy Fuck” before “Holy Fuck” was popular. Trust me. I know these things. Buddy Ryan, fat racist that he is, continued to milk what he could out of “Jaws,” and when he finally wised up and gave the starting job to Cunningham—Bang. Winning record. He would be in Philly for eight more years after that, and then test the weather in Minnesota, Dallas, and Baltimore before retiring in 2001. In his time though, he would throw for nearly 30,000 yards, over 200 touchdowns, and gain nearly five Gs on the ground while adding another 35 end zone visits to his stat sheet. In 1990 alone, he led the league with eight yards per carry and fell 58 yards shy of the 1000 mark. As a quarterback. He was sixth in the league in passes attempted, completed, and passing yards, while falling only three scores shy of Moon’s 33. He had the fifth-best passer rating and was ninth in the league in total rushing yards. As a quarterback. His feats of greatness were unmatched, and he paved the way for guys like Donovan McNabb, Daunte Culpepper, and even Ron Mexico himself. His career passer rating is 81.5, which, by my calculations, is 1.6 points higher than, um, somebody’s.
12. BIG BEN ROETHLISBERGERCecil: The fat rapist walked into the best situation for a young QB since maybe Joe Montana when he was drafted by a rising Pittsburgh franchise in 2004. They had it all--veteran leadership on both sides of the ball, an excellent defense, great running game, lantern-jawed coach who wasn't going to take too many chances exposing a young passer. Roethlisberger just had to show up, hand off and throw the occasional pass to Hines Ward. That worked well enough to get the kid a Super Bowl win in his second year.
Then, lo and behold, the Steelers win another one, this time with the fat rapist leading the team, engineering comebacks. Two Super Bowl victories in what will be his sixth year in the league? That's certainly a Hall of Fame trajectory--but is he deserving?

Does it fucking matter? He's quarterbacking the Steelers. The selectors, led by the loathsome Len Pasquarelli, might even waive the 5-year limit in a spasm of fanatic Rooney-sucking. As far as this of ours goes, well, dur. He's matured into the hardest quarterback in the league to tackle, he's surprisingly mobile, and has moments of fine accuracy, although his completion percentages are too inconsistent. Overall, his stats are just OK, but if he puts up more seasons like 2007--32 TDs and 11 picks--he'll warrant a much higher slot. You know, when we do these lists again to generate some cheap content.
11. TROY AIKMANCecil: Look, I think Troy Aikman is a tool. He quit at Oklahoma, he was never the Staubachian figure he was built up to be and he's an insufferable football analyst ("You know, that's just not how the game should be played, etc. etc.") But he deserves his relatively lofty spot on this list for one simple, crass reason: he's got the julery.
When you're the triggerman for three Super Bowl champions, you get a bit of dap from this corner, even if the guys in this corner think you seem like a dickhead. Aikman was a preternaturally accurate passer who threw a very catchable ball, never panicked in the pocket and held things together when his various All-Pro teammates were going batshit crazy, smoking crack and stabbing each other with scissors. His statistics reflect his marksmanship--he ended '93 with a stellar 69.1 completion percentage, and finished his career over 60--but don't look great otherwise; he only threw 20 touchdowns once in 12 years. Which is pathetic, even for a run-first team like Dallas was back then.
If you were judging Aikman solely by the numbers, he doesn't deserve such a lofty place on this list, and looks more like Jim Everett than any Cowboys fan would admit--but as we've made abundantly clear earlier, you can't judge quarterbacks solely by the numbers. Aikman won three Super Bowls, here he is.
Make sure you come back tomorrow for the Top Ten!
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